
Originally Posted by
Sebazy
if you don't want hostility, don't stoop to it yourself. That's the key.
I do try. There is a lot I don't respond to, and some stuff I get a lot more emotional about that I just choose not to reply to or come back some other time to reply to. As I said, there's a
lot of flack and harassment I get here. Even in entirely neutral posts or entirely neutral things. Even when people agree with me, they do it grudgingly in a "hell has frozen over, for
once I agree" way.
The problem with this is, when people attack me like that, they don't go away or calm down if I don't contest them. They just keep doing it well after I've signaled I'm not going to respond in-kind and that I want to disengage from the topic. They will keep doing it until they can get a rise out of me. The only ways to stop this are either to give them the rise OR for other community members to come to my defense. The latter never happens, so it's either I respond in-kind, or I just have to deal with constant harassment that doesn't stop.
Perhaps you can see why that isn't a very viable option?
I should also note, I'm generally not the one who starts throwing the stones, either. I don't like calling people out as liars, so I only do it after repeated and egregious lies. I don't like calling people names or stooping to their level, so same thing. If the forum members aren't self-policing and aren't willing to help out with this, it just doesn't work. When people are openly lying about someone, and no one contests the lie, then that makes the lie stand as if it were truth. And the worst is when I point out using evidence the lie and don't call the person any names, their post still is the one that gets upvotes and quotes in support of it.
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As for your third point: The problem is, people here aren't willing to let things go, most won't admit they were wrong, people seem to like going over my posts with a fine toothed comb to find
some i not dotted or t not crossed, and then use that as a cudgel to beat me with and demand I say I was
wrong. Beating someone and demanding they admit defeat isn't a good way to get them to do so, and it's certainly not cordial, especially if the mistakes were not intended/bad faith, and double-especially if the person wasn't actually wrong about a thing, they just didn't explain it well enough or estimate something correctly.
There are people who want to discredit
everything a person says, meaning if that person admits wrong even once, they will never let it go. I still get people posting from time to time about the 1T/3D thing and trying to say nothing I say can ever be believed and I don't know anything I'm talking about, even though I corrected that post like 4 times to try and get it right, and even if it has literally nothing to do with the current topic of discussion - like housing availability or whatever. Making changes to try to get correct wasn't seen as admirable, it was seen as showing weakness that should and would be exploited from now on.
In general, I do hold the position in life it's better to fear being wrong than fear being perceived as being wrong, and I do try to abandon positions that are untenable. But here, admitting even once you're wrong isn't met with respect, it's met with scorn and abuse.
In that same thread (the Mods do exist, I suppose?), I pointed out to Semi that my quote was clipped to remove me saying the correct thing (well, something passingly correct), and she instead redoubled her efforts to justify her position against me, as die another poster who has followed me through three threads to attack me on that point, despite me, in all three, saying I want to disengage and not participate in her feud with me.
What you're saying does sound nice...but it doesn't seem to actually work very well here...
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Oh, and as for the data - not that I always get it right (the 1T/3D thread with FFL weirdness, for example) but I do try to use data. I have done it a lot less of late, though. Care to guess why?
Because every time I would do so, someone would attack the data, even if they had no alternate data available. People still side-attack the Wayback Machine Healer numbers data, despite proposing no alternative and not actually proving the data's wrong itself. When I use Lucky Bnacho numbers, those aren't good enough. When I do a survey on Reddit, that's not good enough (Ty's is, though; it showed the "right" result, of course).
It's hard for me to justify spending hours looking for and presenting data if it's going to just be dismissed out of hand.
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The problem ultimately comes back to how other people are behaving, not just me, and that other people's bad behavior isn't called out, nor my defense not come to. Instead, other people's bad behavior is upvoted and quoted with agreeable support. People can say in posts now and again "I don't think it's right when people dogpile on you, Ren", but the problem is, they aren't saying that
when the dogpiles are happening, and
to the people doing the dogpiles. So it's like seeing someone be raped in a mall, not doing anything about it (the bystander effect), seeing it happen multiple times, still not doing anything about it, occasionally commenting on how the rape victim shouldn't dress the way they are, but coming to the victim years later and saying "I don't think it was right that you were raped in the mall"...but you really shouldn't be dressed that way. Especially when other people were taking pictures and posting them to social media of the rape and getting likes and retweets on the pictures.
Not to make light of rape victims, but the point, I hope, is clear; good behavior cannot be demanded of only one person. A forum is kinda like a society, and when the society isn't policing its bad actors and is only policing the people who start swinging after they've been hit several times, saying to the person being hit "You could just not throw any punches" isn't really the best answer.