Absolutely agree w/ the OP.

When i que as a dps, I hang back and shut up and maximize my dps. I'd much rather get some than none. Even if the tank takes the most direct path through a dungeon, that's better than having the whole run turn out like crap or worse, the 30 minute que being a wash because the tank just leaves. I can ask for extra, but if the answer is no, the answer is no. I fully defer to the tank on what mobs will be pulled, and when i que as tank i expect the same level of deference. This is totally consistent across jobs (which seems to be the OP's case as well) which means any claims of hypocrisy are bunk.

The problem w/ this "dps can decide" nonsense is that if something doesn't agree with the tank, it's the dps players who are going to have a hard time, not the tank. If you kick the tank, they're most likely coming right back through and in-progress que. If you get kicked as dps, you are once again waiting a long long time to get back into a dungeon (most likely). If you pull extra mobs, the tank can easily let you die and keep moving on. You're easily replaceable. etc etc. etc. That's just the reality of our current class/player-base dynamic.