You're misunderstanding me a bit.
1. Yes, healers should heal. But just because it's the healer's fault if someone dies as a result of their DPSing, that doesn't mean that I'm saying healers should never DPS. I care a lot about efficiency myself as well. I just approach it in a different way. I'll DPS whenever I can. But I am very careful about when I focus on it. I even try to throw out offensive cards when I'm doing challenge runs. However, I'm very careful about when I do it. Constantly using cooldowns just because "it's inefficient to let them stay available" or fishing for offensive cards at the expense of everything else is not something I do unless I have complete and utter confidence in the party I am with. I adjust my balance of offense and defense to be appropriate to the party and situation I'm in. I don't just use maximum DPS all the time just because "DPS is best".
2. God no. Healers should always be doing something. If you don't need to heal, start casting a DPS spell. You can instantly cancel and start a new cast anyways (though admittedly that takes some practice). The only time I start standing around doing nothing between heals is when I'm in the MP danger zone and don't have MP regen on hand (i.e. I have 1500 MP left, Lucid has 50 seconds left on cooldown, and I just tried and failed to fish for Ewer). But generally I won't hit the danger zone unless I'm under massive MP pressure (solo healing 8-player content and the party is getting wrecked, etc).
3. Correct. Unless you make the judgment call that your party isn't likely to make a critical mistake. You don't need to save all your spells though. Just enough relevant ones to the most likely potential problems. However, if that judgment call fails and the party gets wrecked more than anticipated, it's the healer's fault for not anticipating that. This is why, on my first run with a PUG party, I'm usually playing on the safe side until I get a feel for the party's ability.
4. Yes. But if this is happening consistently, consider taking more risks. Just don't make poor gambles and cause a wipe as a result.
5. The DPS should still take responsibility for their own mistakes, because it makes it harder on the healer. But the healer shouldn't just blame the DPS for not avoiding damage. Just because it's harder on the healer, it doesn't mean it's not still the healer's responsibility to keep the party alive. I can understand that healers get annoyed that DPS are "relying" on heals. But being petty and not healing them just so they'll "learn" not to get hit doesn't help.


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