Hunberct: How many times must I tell you? Garments such as these might be fit for an ordinary man, but Hunberct Longhaft is no ordinary man! Hells, what is keeping my package!?
Hunberct: My silk, at last! Ah, now this is more like it! Feel for yourself─so soft and pliant, a fabric that truly breathes. This is of sylph make, you see. A merchant I met in Highbridge sung its praises, and I simply had to experience it for myself.
Hunberct: Your puzzled expression does not escape me. “But, Longhaft,” you protest. “Many a tale have I heard of your blade, and the consummate skill with which you wield it. What use would a virile swordsman such as yourself have with such delicate─even feminine─fabric?”
Hunberct: An astute question, which I answer with a question of my own. You strike me as one who knows your way around the battlefield, yes? Suppose you are the commander of a formidable unit─one akin to a great machine.
Hunberct: Now suppose this same unit was somehow...constrained─forced to do battle in cramped quarters. Wou
ld your unit be able to realize its full potential in such unfavorable conditions?
Hunberct: Verily not! Only when given room to breathe will the puissant unit swell and expand over the battlefield, and then─upon reaching the full extent of its power─thrust forth and penetrate your opponent's defenses. Do you grasp my meaning?
Hunberct: And so I would commission a garment to be made from this silk. And yet, my unit is not merely my own. No, the skilled hands under my command see to it that my machine remains well oiled.
Hunberct: Two of these hands accompanied me here to Ul'dah, but it would seem they have eluded my grasp─or I have eluded theirs, har har! Might you be a good lass and find them for me?
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: That first earring I saw would look lovely on my captain...but so would that other one! Gah! Why does shopping have to be so godsdamned difficult?
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: Uwaaah! You'd do well not to scare me like that. I'm a Brass Blade in service to Captain Hunberct, better known as Hunberct Longhaft. No doubt you've heard the tales?
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: None can deny the captain cuts a dashing figure, but I would give him a gift to further bring out his beauty. What say you, adventurer? Do any of these fine ornaments catch your eye?
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: Why, I thought the same myself! Some find sapphires cold, but they do not understand that beneath this cool exterior sleeps a wellspring of passion as deep as the ocean─a passion tempered by maturity and reason.
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: Not coincidentally, it is also the color of my eyes, which the captain has oft admired during late nights manning the control room at Highbridge, as I stroked the lever and admired its workmanship.
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: There are those in the Brass Blades who do not understand the captain. Those who say his exploits on the battlefield do not warrant the sizable reputation he has amassed.
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: I know not which battlefield they speak of, but as someone who has witnessed his swordplay firsthand, I can assure you that the reality far exceeds even the tallest of tales.
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: Speaking of the captain, wherever did he run off to? I must deliver my gift before E'lahmui does, lest she be the one invited to work the lever tonight...
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: So many potions, of myriad powers and potencies... Surely, one might serve to further harden the captain's─er, resolve...
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Uwaaah! Don't frighten me like that. I was just shopping for a suitable present for my captain. You have heard the tales of the Longhaft, I presume?
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: ...Then you know that he is naturally endowed with both size and stamina. Still, I would see how alchemical innovation might enhance his already-prodigious talents. Do any of these phials intrigue you, adventurer?
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Ah, that one stood out to me as well! Red is, after all, the color of passion─and few men are more passionate than my captain. It stands to reason that red is his favorite hue.
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: I might humbly note that it is also the color of my eyes. He has often praised their beauty during our nights together in the control room at Highbridge, where he often summons me to lubricate the lever. He says my supple fingers are most suited to the task...
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: In the past, the captain shunned alchemy in all its forms, claiming he had no need for unnatural enhancements.
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Recently, however, I remarked that his blade─already renowned across Eorzea─might reach legendary stature with the right help, and he seemed suitably aroused by the idea.
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Oh, but I simply must be getting back! Just imagining the captain alone with her is enough to send shivers up my tail...
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: The mere suggestion that our captain partake in alchemical enhancements is an insult─not merely to him, but to the gods that endowed him with such natural talent!
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Hah! Says the one who would see him adorn his body with gaudy trinkets. Do you even understand the true measure of a man?
E'tajha & E'lahmui: Ungrateful wench! You're not worthy to polish the captain's blade!
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: Captain! You always praised the way I calibrate your lever! You called me an engineer!
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: Captain! You said that no machinist in the realm could keep your parts oiled as I do!
Hunberct: Cease this senseless bickering, the both of you!
Hunberct: You each have served me long, and served me hard. Surely you realize by now that there is more than enough man to go around.
Hunberct: While I welcome your sentiments, I have no need for shiny baubles or motley brews. The gods have seen fit to endow me well─I would fight my battles on my own merits.
Hunberct: Besides, there are more important matters at hand. Before you two came in, I had just been informed that my garments were ready! Prepare yourselves!
Hunberct: What say you, E'tajha!?
E'tajha Sapphire-eyes: So dashing! So handsome! So...form-fitting! I feel the flames of passion welling from within. Do promise you will wear that the next time you summon me to the control room, yes?
Hunberct: For you, my love? Anything! But we have only just begun...
Hunberct: What say you, E'lahmui!?
E'lahmui Ruby-eyes: That broad chest bursting forth! Those bulging biceps! My captain, this garment shows you for the god of virility that you are. My only regret is that I cannot quite see under the belt...
Hunberct: All in good time, my love! Now do you see? There is more than enough man here for─no, Hunberct is no mere man. For within me rages a beast─a beast that will be contained no longer!
Hunberct: Behold! Did you know that this furred snow creature is legendary for its stamina and the sheer size of its manhood? Now tell me, ladies─what would you like for Starlight this year?
E'tajha & E'lahmui: You, my captain─and nothing but you!
Hunberct: Hahaha! That's what I thought you'd say. Now, if you've gotten over your silly little cat-fight, I believe it's time we went on our way.
Hunberct: For even as we speak, bandits and brigands would target innocent merchants who travel through Highbridge. Fear not, ladies...there will be time enough for pleasure when the battles have been won.
E'tajha & E'lahmui: Yes, sir!
Hunberct: <sigh> If you thought being the Longhaft was all about sweet pleasure and bliss, you'd best think again.
Hunberct: Prone to bouts of sibling jealousy, those two, but they're good girls at heart─all the more admirable considering their origins.
Hunberct: Stolen from their parents when they were just babes, and sold into a trade where no woman deserves to go. My unit found and freed them, but sadly, the Brass Blades are not in the habit of taking in children.
Hunberct: Granted their freedom, they made their living on the streets. Where many turn to selling their bodies, they honed their smarts and their fighting skills. When they returned to me years later as women grown─strong and beautiful─I swore that I would have them! In my regiment, that is...
Hunberct: That they know how to properly sheathe my blade is an extra benefit─albeit a most welcome one. And with that, I must return to my post.