Social anxiety and FF14

[Gemina]

I'm glad many people here recognize that anxiety in the game is a very real thing. I hope that it is also recognized that anxiety sufferers already have on their 'thick skin' by pursuing venues in which they can finally be sociable, whether it is this game or anything else they partake in that involves being around other people participating in the same activities. Otherwise they remain in a very isolated, and a very lonely world.

It doesn't change how vicious the internet can be. There are true monsters out there, and they can exist in our community as well. So an anxiety sufferer should be aware, or make themselves aware. It is indeed helpful to acquire a kind of emotional armor to protect themselves from harsh words, harassment, trolls, etc. It will also help them to not lash out at someone who is just trying to help.

As someone with severe anxiety, and also mood and emotional instability, I question all the time if I should be playing this game, and I honestly don't think I would be if I didn't find the community supportive and helpful in general. I've encountered some jerks, as we all have. But you just can't let them take away the rewarding experiences we have by facing our anxiety in the face, and making it through group content with a sense of satisfaction.

[Samcaesar]

Snip

Well, I mean, context is important and we're literally taking about when most people use "grow a thicker skin" they're not talking about someone who's complaining about grammar.. Usually people use that phrase when someone, like what the OP was talking about says "go hang yourself!" I think you're being pedantic when I'm obviously not talking about someone who's complaining about grammar.

And no, I assure you we are definitely not a "society of overthinking care bears". People could use a bit more empathy, especially in the age of the internet where like the OP said, a lot of people don't realize that's a human on the other side of the keyboard.

[Keramory]

Honestly, "get a thicker skin" is a very toxic concept in online communities in general.

To be detailed about that statement, it really depends on the intent of that statement.

Someone is going to say the exact same thing for 3 different reasons.

1. They're being a jerk. In this case, you are right, they are entirely toxic and rude.

2. They don't know what you're going through without anxiety themselves, and this is how they learned to conquer their anxiety. Keep in mind, with rare exception, people just don't become social butterflies. They grow into it. They had to go through similar awkwardness and "the unknown" of social interaction until they learn it themselves. They're trying to help you, the intent was as pure as can be, but they just don't understand.
Keep in mind, you'll run into 2 the most. It's not something to take in negative light. If anything its the purist kindness you will obtain with your anxiety problems aside from someone helping you in the way you actually find helpful.

Then there's 3. It's very similar to 2, but they also had/have the anxiety problems you do. Some with worse anxiety, some with better. They went and go through the exact same problems you have, but learned to deal with it by "thick skin". Like 2, their adivce is genuine, and they're trying to point you in the right direction. Although I would personally say 2 is more common then 3, I would personally advise never have the mentality of "they just don't understand me". Quite often they do.

Remember that in regards to 3, just because they "figured it out", doesn't mean that you yourself are a weaker person for being unable to deal with these problems. By the flip side, as I briefly mentioned, it doesn't nessesarily mean your anxiety is worse then theirs and thats why you're still struggling. When it comes to learning anything, things just "click" for people differently. Even if they're say twins, exact same problems, exact same intelligence, sometimes a learned behavior or something of the sort just finally hits them and they go "oohh" at different times.

Also please remember something that is very, very important. When it comes to anxiety, depression, social interactions, what have you. Awareness in these problems is very important. It helps others understand what you're going through as well as help you figure out where you are struggling. Over the last several years, we have made massive changes in the way we view one another as humans.
We however, as a society, have created a deep flaw in doing so. We excuse the behavior and state its simply there and that's it.

Here's an example:
Sarah has depressive disorder. She needs medications and she just gets sad. When she gets sad, that's just her disorder, she can't help it.

What have we done by saying this? Well one, we've noticed she has a problem. This is awareness. This is a good thing. Where is this bad? Not the first sentence and not the second, but the third. We're not helping Sarah and more importantly SARAH isn't helping Sarah. Either Sarah or her friends have done more then become understanding now, they're placating the underlying issue and Sarah isn't problem solving to HELP her deal and cope with her depression. What the kind thing to do, is help with the depression (or cause of the current episode if there is one), and find ways to "prepare" for the next epsiode. Will I expect as Sarah's frined to have problems with depression despite my help? Of course, but I won't just let her sulk and shrug.

A better example, anxiety. I'm playing FFXIV with Erik. Erik is naturally shy and has problems with Anxiety. Erik has problems with dungeons because as a DPS, the tank yells at him for hitting other monsters. Erik shuts down, doesn't talk, and might even log off for the day. Now keep in mind as his friend, I don't have his problem. I dont know what its like to suffer with anxiety. I do know however, how I became social over time and how to play FFXIV. So I talk to Erik. Most at this point would say "grow a thick skin". As Erik's friend. Am I being mean? No. Might come off this way, but I'm trying to show him how I delt with the problem, because again its the only way I understood how to deal with it. So what do I do? Well I explain to him the meaning of "grow a thick skin". "Hey Erik, that tank was a jerk, don't worry about that, he's probably (insert insult). Yeah he was mad about this, and just so you know, as a DPS you wanna hit the same mob he does so he can hold hate, or else you're gonna get hit. I'll be your tank, and we'll try it out. Dont worry, they can't kick you with me there". You go into the dungeon with Erik. You as the friend, start up the conversation in the party, and include Erik in it. Erik now has his safety net. He doesnt have to worry about being kicked, and he can talk to his friend and slowly add more and more to the conversations. Next dungeon, you switch to healer or the other DPS. He now gets a stranger for a tank. He becomes experienced in DPS'ing with tanks and hopefully slowly becomes more active.

NOW. The thing is, say Erik does a dungeon without you and has another bad experience. Shuts down. Logs off. Comes back the next day. That's fine. This happens. You repeat the process. You'll notice he catches up on the social ques quicker with you there. He is in fact learning. Although seemingly small, theres progress. He just needed that little push to keep going.

What you don't do however, is just accept Erik is this way and oh well. And more importantly, you don't let Erik accept that as a truth. Erik is going to learn, even if he's going to be dragged kicking and screaming. That's my job as his friend. And Erik is going to try, because thats HIS job as MY friend. If I'm trying more then he is, well obviously like any other aspect in a friendship, he's not being as good as a friend to me, and I'll remind him of that. If I'm not trying as hard as he is, then I'm not being a good friend. It's effort regardless of the result. If Erik stopped trying and just went in his shell, I'm not feeling sorry for him, in the same way that I'm not feeling sorry for my skinny friend who refused to lift weights to become strong. I'm Erik's friend, I'll spot him when he needs it, but I'm going to remind him he didn't put in the effort if he complains he can't lift 300 pounds.

[Sentaryuu]

I have social anxiety bad, too. In game and IRL. I do like to talk, but only if it is directed at me. If it is not, I usually don't say a word. I have a hard time joining in or starting a conversation. It does make the game feel quite lonely and boring sometimes and wish I had some new friends. I get nervous sometimes when I have to speak or around people in general except for a select few. I do sometimes feel like "why is it that I play this game". So really the only thing keeping me around atm is the content and my character. I hope one day it changes, or I have no idea how much longer I'll stick around.

[Cherie]

I'm watching the live letter atm and they will let you bring NPCs into dungeons next patch? Even combinations of 1 human and 3 NPCs are possible it seems. I think my roulettes just got more convenient.... I am not very good with people either.

[Pompoen]

I have social anxiety bad, too. In game and IRL. I do like to talk, but only if it is directed at me. If it is not, I usually don't say a word. I have a hard time joining in or starting a conversation. It does make the game feel quite lonely and boring sometimes and wish I had some new friends. I get nervous sometimes when I have to speak or around people in general except for a select few. I do sometimes feel like "why is it that I play this game". So really the only thing keeping me around atm is the content and my character. I hope one day it changes, or I have no idea how much longer I'll stick around.

Happy to see this topic; I'm pretty much on the same boat, only talk if talked to, otherwise I don't say a word ingame; have a hard time being in big fc's because of this or just generally feel super uncomfortable, sometimes even around a small group of people I know. Will always end up questioning why I'm here or why I'm doing this or that; talking myself out of the insecurity isn't always an easy task. Actually quit playing for a few months because of this, really makes the game feel empty (or even scary) when you're just there trying to figure out 'how to people' most of the time. The game is definitely more enjoyable when one can find people that make it better, sometimes even just one is good enough. (least it's been this way for me)

[Joe_Schmoe]

One thing I think people never understand is that people who do have anxiety of this sort often play MMOs because these types of games let us be a part of a ‘society’, even if it is a virtual one. They let us ‘talk’ to people even if we’d be too shy or scared to in real life.

And as an added bonus, at least with me, most people in MMOs are people I don't have to deal with every single day in real life, social burnout and all.

As far as actual anxiety goes, most of mine comes from this, in various forms. I can never be myself around people. I'm too far removed from the mainstream, I tend to creep people out. Even nerds and emo types keep their distance.

[Solarra]

Our Free Company was set up specifically for people with Social Anxiety. Originally Paranoid was a WoW guild, when a few of us decided to try FF it made sense to take the guild and its ethos with us.

Because nearly all of us have SA, we understand how difficult using things like Chat, Linkshells and DF can be. For me, just the possibility of having to deal with somebody losing their temper and abusing the party if things go wrong, can make grouping with people I don't know extremely stressful.
I know the people saying 'grow a thicker skin' mean well, but it really doesn't help. Nobody consciously chooses to go into an instance with their hands shaking so badly they can barely type. If it was just a case of 'pulling ourselves together' and deciding not to be like that, we'd have done it.

Our Company's aim is for all our members to enjoy FF in a safe, supportive environment. We run a lot of activities during the week, from roulettes to raiding, but we don't insist on people taking part in those events, using voice or even talking in FC Chat.

Hopefully there are other companies like ours on other servers.

Shameless plug: for anyone who would like to know more about Paranoid, here is our website:Paranoid FC

[Xlantaa]

Well. As player with Asperger and selective mutism I understand this nd I want to share my experienced about the talking problems.

Lucky, on game, is not as strong as real life, because is easy if you don't have people in front of you, but still, I am woman of few words and I don't like talk neither in voice chat. Even being leader of my FC, I still barely can talk to members (others high rank member does it for me most of the time). This bring me a lot of problems to find a static, which is mandatory to do Savage content. Normally, I inform when someone want's recruit about this. Some parties I found had no problem on have me silent, only hearing them. But others try to force me to talk after few days and I have to leave because I just can't. I only talked to very very specific people in the game, and in very few ocassions, but nothing more. While I understand chat voice is very useful for savage content, I don't think every single player in the group need to talk. I use macros if I need provoke, or stuff like that. But, as people say in this game a lot, their group their rules, I really can't really do anything to solve this, but only have luck finding a party that really don't need me to talk (I found some in the past, so it is not impossbile, but very hard).

[MirielleLavandre]

Thanks for all of the responses, all I'm glad to see that I am not the only one that may experience some of these issues, and it is great seeing that so many are supportive and helpful! It is wonderful, also, to see that some people have found great FCs to join and run things with, or even have created FCs that are made for people with issues such as these (like Solara's - though sadly I'm on Faerie server atm so couldn't join). It is good to see people voicing their own thoughts/experiences with this in FF14 and I hope all of us can continue to try to be good people towards each other and hopefully, for some of us, slowly come out of our shells a little