A Heartfelt Post To This Community That I Am A Part Of.

[Vhailor]

For those who think about taking their own lives: please talk to someone. I know that it will be hard. I don't claim for it to be easy. I know that it isn't easy. But please. Talk to someone. Don't take your own life. Suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is, more than likely, only temporary. Please don't do it. Please don't even consider it. Because the world will not be a better place without you.

As I was reading your post - a valuable addition to the forums - I felt compelled to share my own experience with suicide. I have known of one other person in my extended social network who committed suicide, and I also attempted it myself. I'll only speak from my own perspective, but two things jump out at me.

Firstly, and I really don't mean this in a callous manner, but it's going to sound that way: I couldn't have given two shits less about what my decision would mean for the lives of those without me. During my darkest depths, that wasn't in my mind. My own happiness was, and a deep amount of anger and frustration. I say this because, the type of language used in your post - some of it - would actually have irritated me at the time, causing other useful pieces of advice to go unheeded. I know, because I saw it elsewhere at the time. The beginning of the above quote is what I needed; the last sentences weren't. I say that because, suicide motivations vary tremendously, and the only real universal approach to helping with them is talking. For the types who feel like a burden to others, language about the world not being a better place can be helpful, too - but for those needing an escape, for those that are feeling hurt or angry, as I was - it can cause the advice to go unheeded, or potentially even worsen things.

Secondly, I'd urge you to be aware of the impact that strongly-worded messages of support can have on someone who is suicidal. The single greatest barrier to me making that initial outreach to someone else, to me finally talking about things, was a fear that they would overreact. And I didn't need that. I just needed someone who would listen, someone who, upon hearing me confess to suicidal thoughts, would simply say "I had no idea things were so bad, do you want to talk about them to me?" The reality is that I was likely to get someone who would likely end up needing more comforting than I did!

I don't say this to minimize the consequences of suicide. As you said, it's far more often than not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But it has to be normalized, too, as a topic of conversation. For me, I felt so nervous about saying the 's-word' to anyone that my thoughts eventually became actions. That's when there's real cause for concern. In other words, I'd encourage you to make your language sound less... fearful... of the idea. After all, the solution is to get people to talk: it's very difficult to do that when you suspect immediate opposition rather than empathy.

I really do appreciate your post.

[Gumbercules]

Here in the US we rarely address the suicide increase, it namely gets drowned by the "how" (gun, drugs, etc) instead of the why. We rarely hear from anyone in power about its increase either. Wanna say that in the US it borders on taboo, and the lack of dialogue is incredibly dangerous, its hard for people to seek help when they feel they are alone or the outliers.

[Dualgunner]

I'm very sorry to hear that HyoMin. Losing somebody like that is terrible. It's honestly difficult trying to write up a post for this; should I talk about my own depression, my daily mental battle to prove my own self-worth to myself? Or should I talk about hugging my father as he bottles up the pain of walking in to his brother's house to find my uncle had decided he was done with this world?

Or should I just...not talk?

You have me on Discord HyoMin. Any time you want to talk to me about anything, I'm here. Thank you for making this post.

[Issac]

As time goes on you grow numb to it, if you survive long enough. Then the thoughts only occur when you're drinking. And all you can say to your friends who consider it, you tell them, "You better not. Not before me."

I miss you like hell, Steve.

[Sigma-Astra]

I know that I haven't been posting on the forums for very long here and I barely know you, HyoMin, but my heart and condolences go out to you and everyone posting in this thread that have suffered or are suffering from mental depression. I can never truly say that I know exactly how you or other people feel, because everyone has a different take on their feelings and everyone doesn't think or react in the same way, but I can say that I can relate. Maybe, not exactly, but I understand and I accept that people can feel this way, and I'm sorry that people have to feel this way,

It's not always easy to be or remain positive all of the time and my brother-in-law and future husband remind me of this every day. They both are clinically diagnosed with mental depression and take several medications for it at times. I can't even imagine what goes on through their minds all of the time, it's hard to tell someone to feel good about themselves when their own mind is telling them otherwise and at the end of the day, you're just a whisper among the thousands of angry voices inside their own head. It's even harder to get them to open up sometimes, but, it's getting better because they know that I'm an avid listener. I'm not afraid to listen to them speak about terrible things and I won't judge them when they open up to me, their problems are my problems, and just as important as their feelings. And honestly, getting someone who is clinically depressed to open up to you is half of the battle because they don't always want to or they don't know how to tell people these things that they're thinking or feeling. Sometimes it is just easier to bottle things up and hope the tide carries them off, it's easier to hide our true feelings than to show them. It's easier to "fake" being happy and pretend that life is sunshine and rainbows when it clearly isn't for that person.

I can attest to that, I'm no better, I do the same things. And I always thought of myself as this highly optimistic and easy-going person. It's easier to just....stay silent and never talk. It's easier to pretend that what you're feeling doesn't and shouldn't exist in order to put a smile onto someone's face for a day, while you collectively let your corrosive, negative feelings eat away at your insides. I was always in the mindset "But hey, everyone else around me is happy? Their feelings are more important than my own. This is right....right?" because I'm a huge emphatic and caretaker. I'm....not sure I want to write about this, and I've double-backed about five times thinking I shouldn't, but here goes nothing because I'm just so afraid of the backlash from other people. I'm afraid that others will look down on me for thinking these awful things, for having the feelings that I had, and just, overall fear of not being accepted for them. That I should have been a better person, should have tried harder, etc.

My fiance and I were involved in a car accident a year ago on April 13th where our car was totaled. He was the driver and I was the passenger and we were both on our way to work that day. It was going to start off like any other normal morning, until we were struck on our right side by another vehicle pulling out of an alleyway because they didn't see us. All of my airbags deployed on the right side, but his did not. I had a few bruises and some whiplash, I walked away with hardly any injuries besides PTSD and a fear of driving. But, he...? He slams his head on the steering wheel because the force of impact wasn't enough to send his airbags off, but enough that even the seatbelt alone couldn't stop his body from jolting forward and back. He walks away with nerve and brain damage and a possible lifetime of 24/7 burning, excruciating pain on the right side of his face. We both lost our jobs. He couldn't do IT work anymore and I had to stay at home and take care of him. He lost his independence and individuality, but, out of some stroke of luck, I get to retain mine? Why? Why couldn't the situation have been reversed? From that day, I've wished, always wished how it should have been me instead of him. I'd rather have been the miserable one and let him enjoy life instead, but here I am. The only "normal" one....and I never thought I'd openly detest and hate being healthy up until that day. I felt as if that maybe, maybe I could take the pain better than him, if it meant seeing him more happy. I'd take the 24/7 pain and no sleep, if it meant that he could feel useful again and.....then the crushing weight of being told that I'm important because I'm the only one capable of supporting the family hit me.

So, I got a freelance position that allowed me to work from home and everyone was a bit happier again. I thought to myself "Oh, good, I'm making him and others feel better. I'm useful now...as opposed towards being the nuisance that survived with no problems constantly saying that things will hopefully get better". That's what I thought to myself, that I'm the nuisance that lived and can still live normally, but I should be suffering with him. It's not fair. Those were things I kept telling myself over and over again, "You're a nuisance because you aren't suffering and doing enough to make him feel better. You're useless". And then, other things began to happen over the course of a few months shortly after the accident...my mother gets diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, so she couldn't take care of my grandmother with stage 3 to 4 Alzheimer's. I stepped up to the plate, since they both lived with us. Then, I had another thought process going on inside of my head, "Oh look. You'll be even more useful now. It's your job to take care of everyone. You can't let them down, they depend on you, they need you. You're head of household, act like it".

And so life went on during that period, and each day I continued to try to do my best...while watching the people around me that are the closest suffer in some form or way. Then, my brain decided to chime in again, "Look at them, what are you doing? Are you really helping them? They're not getting any better, you're not doing enough. Try harder". Sometimes the freelancing gig would come through and sometimes it wouldn't, I could only get paid when they gave me work to do...but, at the same time, I couldn't leave the house for very long. I was needed on hand almost 24/7.

I cleaned the house, helped with cooking (I'm a terrible cook), helped them when they asked me, dealt with Nana antics when she wouldn't eat and was combative, helped with shopping, did as much as I could handle...and then after some time, I started to resent myself, and then I started to resent them. And I was never like that, never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined to start resenting the people that I loved the most out of life. I started to hate being alive and I hated the situation that was dealt to me. I felt like my own independence and individuality was slowly being siphoned away from my grasp and that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I started to have thoughts late at night, cry to myself when everyone was asleep because I couldn't show them that I was in pain during the day, they didn't need to see that. I'd tell myself at night, "My feelings don't stack up to three other people with worse conditions than me. Come on now, don't be a nuisance, don't be weak. You're an idiot if you think you're just as or more important than they are". And so, I kept to my optimism during the day and became miserable and resentful late at night. "It's not their fault that they're like this", I would tell myself. And it was right, it's not they're fault. But, it wasn't my fault either despite what my mind was telling me. And I started to hate myself and the way that I felt. I knew feeling that it was their fault was wrong, but I felt that way anyways. I knew it was wrong, but, it felt easier to find someone to blame for my own misery. It felt easier to blame someone innocent than to tell them the truth of how I felt. And none of them were ever unkind or mean to me, they were always constantly praising me for the work I was doing, saying the best possible things to make me feel wanted, needed, and that without me...they wouldn't know what they'd do. They'd tell me that I was so strong, much stronger than anyone. But, in my head, that wasn't enough it seemed. And I would constantly try to reassure myself that it was and I still wonder why it wasn't enough to hear those words.

And finally, one day, when all of the night crying and the suffocating wall of responsibility became too much for me to bare, I found our household gun, and decided that I couldn't continue the way that I was anymore. That I wasn't strong enough to deal with everything, that disappearing was easier regardless of who I'd hurt in the process. Suffice to say, it was thwarted and never happened...and I...never want to see my mother or fiance cry like that again. My fiance, a person who has already had suicidal thoughts and was clinically depressed, was crying and asking me what he did wrong to make me think that way. My best friend online whom I have never met, who lives 8 hours away but we've been friends for 8 years, after I had told him the truth of what I did...cried for me over Facebook. My brother-in-law was ready to drive up from another state even. And when they all asked what and why I would even think about doing such a thing, I could only reply with "I don't know...". Something just snapped in my brain, and I still can't explain it. All of my life, I've never been a depressed person and I know suicide is not the answer. I knew this ahead of time, and yet I still tried to do it. I'm in a better place now mentally, but, I still have my moments of mild depression over things still not getting any better with our situation after the accident. These things just...don't ever go away entirely. We both play XIV together, and sometimes I feel that if we didn't have something relaxing (depends on how well Savage goes) and something that we can do together, we'd have gone down much darker roads a lot sooner. Even though he's been diagnosed with the nerve/brain damage, we still run Savage within our static....and he continues to inspire me to try harder, but with less self-doubt and self-inflicting misery on my own part.

I suppose the moral of my story is that these things can hit anyone at any given time. I was 29 when this happened and I was never thought or seen to be a person that had depression issues. It can happen to anyone...at any given point in their lives, and it's a scary thing that needs more awareness. You don't have to be real young to have depression, you don't have to be clinically diagnosed to have depression, and there are many, if not various factors that vary from person to person that can spark it. I was a lucky person that's been dealing with it without medications and seeing a doctor, but not everyone can do that. Not everyone can speak up about it either and it's important for others to not treat it as something that can be wished away, that it could never happen to you, and that it's nothing serious. It is a serious matter that has life threatening and life altering consequences.

I'm sorry for the super long rant and I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. Even now, I'm kind of second-guessing that maybe I should just delete the whole post.

[Vhailor]

I'm sorry for the super long rant and I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. Even now, I'm kind of second-guessing that maybe I should just delete the whole post.

I personally hope you don't. Depression, as well as its potential consequences, like suicide, needs to be talked about more, shared more openly. This is easiest for people who have been there, because it's part of our life; it's not a hypothetical.

You have a unique perspective to offer. You've been depressed, you've been suicidal, and yet you are out of the woods right now. That's important for people to hear. For people who are wrestling with their own depression, your experiences can be something to relate to, something to learn from. For people who are wanting to be supportive of those who are depressed, it's reassuring: depression, and even suicidal thoughts, isn't necessarily the end of the world.

I can certainly understand if you end up deleting your post at the end of the day, but it's valuable for a lot of others to see. This whole thread is, which is something I can rarely say about General Discussion.

[Tridus]

I don't how to make these posts longer so I'm adding on to it.

Edit it. While editing, there is no size limit.

I'm sorry for the super long rant and I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. Even now, I'm kind of second-guessing that maybe I should just delete the whole post.

I hope you don't. As a society we're not good at talking about this, and we need to. Maybe it helps someone else.

[Sigma-Astra]

I personally hope you don't. Depression, as well as its potential consequences, like suicide, needs to be talked about more, shared more openly. This is easiest for people who have been there, because it's part of our life; it's not a hypothetical.

You have a unique perspective to offer. You've been depressed, you've been suicidal, and yet you are out of the woods right now. That's important for people to hear. For people who are wrestling with their own depression, your experiences can be something to relate to, something to learn from. For people who are wanting to be supportive of those who are depressed, it's reassuring: depression, and even suicidal thoughts, isn't necessarily the end of the world.

I can certainly understand if you end up deleting your post at the end of the day, but it's valuable for a lot of others to see. This whole thread is, which is something I can rarely say about General Discussion.

I hope you don't. As a society we're not good at talking about this, and we need to. Maybe it helps someone else.

After reading both of your comments, I've decided to leave the post as it is. You're both right, hearing about it may help someone else somehow and when it concerns suicide and depression, all voices need to be heard. So, it'll stay, I was just scared because it's...such a personal part of my life.

[Lynart]

I'm going to copy and paste (posted on another board) my experience with suicide for over 25 years and hopefully this will reach out to some how of you. I cannot speak for anyone's experience but my own.

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My mother used my conscience against me for 25~ years. She would threaten suicide or divorce if things did not go her way. As any intelligent human being would do, my mind protected itself by shutting off my conscience.

Over the 25 years, it became easier and easier to kill that little voice in my head telling me what the right thing to do was. This resulted in me always giving into guilty pleasures: I have cheated multiple times. I have stolen. I carried a knife on me hoping someone would rob me so I could fight back and hope they kill me. I pushed myself to get faster on the motorcycle because I wanted to die. I became jacked not because I wanted to be healthy but because I hated myself. I got into cigarettes; this list does not end.

The result of not listening to my conscience was a verbal stutter and extremely low self-esteem; how can anyone that spends their life doing things they know that are wrong have any self confidence or self esteem?

And so I found my meaning of life: I owe it to myself to fulfill my sense of duty towards my conscience. I will become the best person I can possibly become by listening to my conscience because my conscience has never once told me to do anything wrong (well, it better not, or I'll submit myself in the loony bin lol)

I can now enjoy riding (a motorcycle) for what it really was before my kamikaze mindset got out of control: to live in the moment and be grateful for everything.



As a bit of reminder (and also because that picture is ****ing bad ***), I have set this as my wallpaper at work. The demon will always be a part of my life. Those severed heads are those who the demon trampled along the way (ex's, friends, people I hurt emotionally and manipulated.) The demon was allowed to trample because I did not pick up the sword and fight back. This is a never ending battle; one slip on concentration and I will easily let him roam free again.

Every single one of us has a demon of our own and now that I know this, I cannot bring myself to judge anyone ever again because I have spent far too long letting mine control my life.

Oh, and the best part about this? My verbal stutter is 80% gone and I have been much happier for over a month now. My happiness has radiated to others who have been smiling back at me, or we end up with extended conversations about meaningful topics. Prior to this I was pretty much mute.

.......and to think society has resorted to popping pills for everything. You can't solve a disease by masking the symptoms*.

*I am not referring to legit chemical imbalances but i can guarantee you had I visited a psychiatrist I'd be given some pills like others whom I know. The path I took was far more painful, and too far longer to reach this conclusion...so I hope that by writing this I can reach out to some.