A Heartfelt Post To This Community That I Am A Part Of.

[Amantisa]

Today it's a very strange day for me to see this topic.
In a city few hours from where I live, a young boy took his life yesterday.

He had depression and wrote a letter with his intentions, went on a highway bridge and was ready to leave this world. Firefighters were called and managed to talk to him for an hour, calming and slowly convincing him to stay.

Lots of people were nearby, and when the boy was ready to fight for life once again... a bunch of them started yelling "jump, jump, jump"
Yes, he did jump. The firefighters did what they could, but the boy did not survive. Only 17, a life ahead of him, and because of a bunch of asshats he didn't manage to build enough corage to see the tomorrow rise.

I'm angry, sad, hopeless and wishing quite the worst for those who were yelling. They wanted a show, and they got one for themselves.

But this topic reminds me that there ARE people who care, who help, who miss dearly those who were gone way too early. And that we can spread the word and keep trying to help!
Shouldn't spend energy towards those who want the worst.

[FunkYeahDragons]

I understand what you're asking, and respect it. Life is cruel, and anonymity makes it easier to be thoughtlessly so.

What people can do in an online game is limited, so I hope people feel comfortable reaching out for help *somewhere*, even as a start.

One of my closest friends killed himself when we were teenagers. Over 10 years later, I still think about it sometimes, and I still miss him.

[Paladinleeds]

I've been close to the edge a few times. There's been days where my friends have piled a lot of stuff on to me (because they're struggling too), and I've snapped and said stuff I regret. My problem is I bottle it up until I explode (and being a bloke, I'm told by society I need to be strong at all costs, no weakness allowed, which probably doesn't help, especially when you consider my autism makes it even harder for me to integrate into society). I find it hard to reach out.

Spoiler tags due to trigger warning:

Just last week I had a huge mental health relapse and lashed out at myself significantly (physically), beating myself up quite signifcantly.

I spoke to my therapist about that incident at my review. She pulled me off the CBT program. Not because she didn't care, but she felt her service could no longer help, and that I need more specialised support provided by people who know autism really well. Their service was designed for neurotypicals, my issues are tied in to my autism. Therefore a different approach is needed. I still struggle, and this was an extremely hard read for me.

Thankfully, my situation seems to be improving, the thing that pushed me over the edge is no longer an issue, and my friend is improving too, now that he's been able to get out of a toxic environment himself into a much nicer environment (I helped make sure that happened). So, I'm back in the recovery stage, but I will be seeking more help. I still need it. It's hard, it's really hard. I feel like reaching out for help is a sign of weakness even though it isn't. My mind tells me I have to be perfect, I'm not allowed to have flaws, and that said flaws need to be brutally removed from me. These unrelenting high standards make it hard for me to work (something I'm working on too), and thus I am considered "Not fit for work" by my doctor and the government.

This game, has been my escape. While I have ran into the odd wazzock, most of the playerbase has been lovely and supportive. My in-game wife, if I start crumbling, she will provide a shoulder for me to cry on and get it all out. Though she cannot help me in person (we're in opposite ends of the continent), she makes sure I have a person to talk to. When I'm not falling apart, we'll joke, we'll banter, we'll make playful jabs at each other, but we always look out for each other. I am currently in the process of getting myself Virtual Reality, after a friend of mine has told me it did his mental health a world of good. It'll allow me another escape. I'm also hoping to learn how to draw, and how to program. I'm hoping expanding my skill set will allow me to feel better about myself. Plus, it'll help keep my brain active (which is important with ADHD, since maintaining focus is hard for me, so this will help me I think). I'm just trying to improve. It's a constant battle, and it never seems to get easier. But I must keep fighting on.

[HyoMinPark]

This is a necro, but I don't care. It's important, and I just wanted to get it out.

It's been a year since my friend took his life. Today, his family planted a tree at their home, and buried his ashes within its roots. Today was very stormy and rainy, but it stopped just long enough while they did this for the sun to come out and a rainbow to appear. I don't consider myself Christian in any way; but I think that was him. I wasn't there during this; it was family only from what I understand, but I did see the posts from them about it on Facebook. I have already been in a very somber mood the last week or so, and seeing them only made me want to cry harder.

My heart has been thinking of my friend every day for this past year, and my heart aches for him now. I miss him so much, and I still expect him to randomly call me super late at night sometimes to bitch about someone he works with, or an annoying customer, or just something random.

I miss him so much. I know that he is at peace, but I still wish that I could talk with him one last time. I still wish that I had done something differently; known to reach out to him... maybe things would have been different. Maybe this post would have never existed. Hindsight is 20/20. I know that I am not to blame. But I still feel guilty nonetheless. And I am still sorry.

[TouchandFeel]

snip

It may be be a necro, but I too think being able to express and read things like this is important. We are often so wrapped up in pointless bickering and forgetting that there are real people with real lives behind the posts we read on things like social media and forums.

As for situations like you are dealing with, it's true hindsight is 20/20 and no one can know what would have been if something had been done differently, that is an unfortunate aspect of life and while we hate to admit or acknowledge it, life brings regrets. I find the trick is to acknowledge the regrets but not dwell on them and instead try to find a way to turn them around and into positive lessons or plans of actions so that I can do what I can to prevent such future regrets beforehand.

It's more than understandable that you miss your friend and that you wish you could have done something for them that could have helped pull them back from the precipice, just remember the past is in the past and you can't change it, you can only do your best to try to shape the future for the better by being kind, understanding and helpful so that maybe your positive actions will be that ray of sunshine in someone's otherwise overcast life that forms a little rainbow at just the right time and pulls them back from that dark place they may be headed.

[AngelCheese77]

This happened to a good friend of my girlfriend, Jay. My girlfriend saw Jay the night before he committed suicide, and he was laughing, at a party, and having a great time.

The next day .. he was found in his home.

Jay was the kind of guy who helped others, worked as a volunteer fireman, did house calls on electronics and the like. No one saw this coming, and my girlfriend still beats herself up over a year later, blaming herself because she didn't see the signs.

My condolences on the loss of your friend. It can be difficult to not get yourself stuck in the 'why's' and 'what ifs' of it all. Wish I could give some good advice, but you said it well with the mentioned hotlines.

[AngelCheese77]

Everyone says to reach out and what not....but what do you do when reaching out has been met with nothing but ignorance?
What if those few people who definitely COULD help you just decide not to?


Then what? Am I still supposed to think how much they care?

The family I was raised in didn't believe in things like 'counseling' or 'meds'. It was 'you have a problem, you deal with it'. This was because in the time they grew up (1950s etc) talking about a mental illness pretty much put you in the most terrible places ... mental institutions. Sadly, with the generation gap between myself and my father (and my mother at the time) it is very hard to explain what one is going through without the 'you can get through it' advice.

That isn't to say there isn't someone to talk to or someplace to go to. I cannot, alas, know what you are going through (if you are) but just for myself.

When I was 17, my mother signed me up to see a therapist. Scary as anything to sit there and talk about yourself. Things you don't like or what bothers you. At that time, I had already tried to kill myself twice, and failed. I refused to go anywhere and pretty much became a hermit.

I never felt the therapist at the first place really helped me (how much can you talk about in 30 minutes? I mean .. really ...) and prescribed me some meds. When that therapist left, and I lost my job do to a physical injury, I had to rely on my family doctor for my meds .. but had no one to talk to. Those were some really hard times.

I bounced around between meds and trying to find someone who would listen, getting tot he point I had no choice but to do my own research and find ways to deal with what I was going through ... even if I could figure out what that was. Thankfully, there opened a place near me where I go now with an awesome therapist and psychologist that really listen, as well as being properly diagnosed (which I feel many people are not, though another subject).

With the internet now, I can reach out to groups anonymously, there are papers and articles that talk about my condition so I can learn my triggers and how to cope, I found relaxing videos and music to calm my mind ... I do believe there is something out there to help everyone.

I know this might sound hollow, but everyone is loved, and everyone IS special and amazing. Heck, you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a purpose! ... like my sister's is to annoy me and my husband is to eat all my cooked food /wink

[LaurieB]

You are not alone. I lost four immediate family members to suicide. I being the one that found them, and I being the last one left. You will never know why. Guessing is a lifetime game, you will never have the answers. Yes, I think about it, who wouldn't when the rest of your family did..but I'm here for a reason. Until then, here I am. I do my best with it, which is very very hard. But I live for them because they just couldn't anymore. Its up to me to stay now and live.

[LaurieB]

I don't how to make these posts longer so I'm adding on to it. Everyday of my life I ask why, I wonder who they would be now, what I could have done, ect ect ect. No, you can't talk about it like others who have lost family because its most of the time met with shock and horror, like double hurt. Or you see people, like someone on here, with a meme of shooting themselves in the head and you had to find that for real. Its always going to be slung around, your pain with it. I think they find it funny because its too scary for them to face. Their fun often results in me crumbling in a ball with flashbacks. But...that's just one of the real stories of what its really like to become a involuntary participant as someone that loved or knew that person, their decision affects you forever. In so many ways, but you still love them anyway. And miss them.

[LaurieB]

Please pardon my intrusion into your thread. I just wanted you to know, your not alone, stay strong, live for them ((((hugs)))