A Heartfelt Post To This Community That I Am A Part Of.

[JunseiKei]

As someone who does currently suffer from suicidal depression

It's not sudden.

We're good at hiding the pain. We laugh, we smile, we pretend nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, our mind eats at our will because it's become a poison on it's own. We need constant reassurance that we mean something. It's tedious and yes, we know our friends and family loves us

But

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

It's a constant state of tug-of-war until you've beaten it.

If you beat it.

Before, someone posted on the forums a thread about people with disabilities. I responded to it and said I had one, but I didn't really want to talk about it. This is what I meant. I've been fighting it for 15 years. It's hard, and I have a scar on my wrist where I almost lost. I've gone to multiple rallies to talk about this stuff because... well... I understand where people are coming from and sometimes you just need someone to reach out, even a stranger, and say, "you're amazing." I'm the one that's more aware and trying to fight back and grabbing people by their collars and dragging them up with me, that shit really isn't quite as bad as our minds are making it out to be. I just have the added bonus of having a majority of my life telling me I'm worthless or to go kill myself from family and peers that makes it hard to crawl out of the hole myself. I think my mother and my husband are the only ones to not say it.

.. It's been a while since I got that off my chest.

Also, it's good to be aware: depression and suicide can be something that is a result from your brain chemistry. Sometimes prescriptions can "cure" you. It won't for people like me, who have reasons haunting them.

I will say a word of caution:
Suicide hotlines and all are a nice gesture, but be wary on which you contact. Some have volunteer staff with minimal training while others are fully staffed trained to handle various situations. Also, be aware the police may be notified and get involved. This sometimes leads to a lengthy (and pricey) process of counselling, therapy and possible prescribed drugs. These are not free. The call to the hotline will be, but the rest isn't.

Sorry you have to go through this. Part of what affects someone's decision to kill themself is because they truly believe they are alone. It's going to be harsh, but people need to understand: the fact the friends and family think it's so sudden is a testament to that decision.

Sorry if this post is bleak. I actually thought about just not posting it and backspaced it so many times. Funny how talking to a crowd of people is easier than posting on a forum anonymously. Maybe it's just easier for me to justify it when I see kids and think "you're too precious to lose" or see their parents and think "no kid should go through this loss."

[HyoMinPark]

Thank you to everyone who has read this, and to those of you who have offered your condolences. Each and every comment I have read more than once, and for those of you who came forward to say that you, too, have suffered from mental illness, I commend your bravery to admit such personal things about yourself. Because I know that these admissions are not always an easy thing, and I know that society and cultural norms continue to frown upon mental illnesses, especially in those that society deems should be "above" such things (mainly, young men).

One post has stood out to me. And I have debated my response to it, and even responding at all. Because I didn't want this post to be about me or my struggles, even though they do, in a way, give me an ounce of understanding with regards to my friend, and what he ultimately chose to do on his last day. I wasn't looking for this to be that at all. But I feel like I can't not respond to it, and I just want to repeat that this is not a post looking for any sort of pity or sympathy from anyone.

A heartbreakingly honest and difficult thing to post

JunseiKei, your words in your post struck a chord in my heart, because they are so blatantly honest and true. Honestly, I hate having to just turn your post into a quote snip; I feel like it deserves to be repeated again and again in its entirety. I only do so because I know that this post is going to be another massive one, like so many of my posts generally are, because I always have a lot of things to say. I hope that my paraphrasing doesn't de-emphasize how important your words are.

I don't claim for us to be in any way the same, nor to say that the struggles we have had in life (and will continue to have) are equal, or the same, because no two people are the same. But, in a way, we have something in common with one another. I, like you, have suffered from debilitating depression for just about as long as I can remember; depression that, for the past year or so, has gotten progressively worse with each passing day.

We're good at hiding the pain. We laugh, we smile, we pretend nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, our mind eats at our will because it's become a poison on it's own. We need constant reassurance that we mean something. It's tedious and yes, we know our friends and family loves us

But

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

It's a constant state of tug-of-war until you've beaten it.

If you beat it.

You are absolutely right. We are very good at hiding that which torments us; some of us more so than others. The first thing that crossed my mind after reading about my friend--aside from the shock and the pain--was that he must have been so good at hiding his pain from everyone, including me. Because the first thing I said to my parents (who I had called moments after reading my Facebook), was that I had never thought that my friend was "like me." I say that because, those who know me well, know that I have been depressed for a very long time, because I tell them as such. I may not go into the gory details about what depresses me, or how much it hurts to just get out of bed some days, but I don't hide the fact that my depression is there. All I do is hide the severity of it.

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

There is a quote in John Milton's Paradise Lost that has stuck with me since the moment I read it nine years ago. And it is basically what you said here:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

I have only really read excerpts from Book I of Paradise Lost, and I honestly have no idea how this quote falls into the grand scheme of this piece of literature, but I do know what it means for me, and it is exactly as you said, JunseiKei. Our mind is like a poison that constantly works against us, and taints any positive progress we may make, constantly belittling us and setting us back two steps for every one step we take forward. We are our own worst enemy when it comes down to it, and our greatest struggle will always be trying to silence that little voice in the back of our minds that says: "Do I really matter?"

My friend lost to that little voice.

Like Fernosaur said, and like my friends and family have told me, I cannot blame myself for not foreseeing what my friend was going to do. However, my own little voice has said to me every moment since I found out, that I should have known. My friend suffered like I suffer: from depression so debilitating, and so inescapable, that he thought that this was the only way to finally make it stop. While no two people suffer alike, I still hear this voice saying to me "He was like you; why didn't you see it? Why didn't you stop it?"

I know that my guilt is misplaced. The rational part of me knows this. The irrational part, however, does not, and continues to say that I should have known; I should have been there more than I have been the past year and a half, and how selfish I have been to be so wrapped up in my own crap to not notice that a friend of mine was suffering in ways that were possibly worse than me. I hope with time that my guilt will pass, but I know that, for now, it is here to stay.



I have entertained the thought of ending my own life several times over the course of my 26 years. There have been times where I have planned it out; where I have researched quick and painless ways to do it, where I started thinking about what to say in my good-bye letters to everyone. But I have always, somehow, stopped myself.

Part of what affects someone's decision to kill themself is because they truly believe they are alone. It's going to be harsh, but people need to understand: the fact the friends and family think it's so sudden is a testament to that decision.

While I have always felt alone with regards to my pain, like no one could ever truly understand just how crushing feeling the way I do every day is...and while I have always had that small voice in the back of my head say to me over and over again "You don't matter...no one would notice if you were gone...no one would care...everyone would be better off without you...", what my friend did has taught me something. And I will always strive to remind myself of the small moment of "clarity" I had while I laid on my bedroom floor crying so hard that my entire body ached.

I don't ever want those that I love to be where I am now.

I said in my opening post that I wished my friend had been able to experience this game, because it has led me to people that keep me going no matter how dark of a place I may have trapped myself in may be. What stops me from taking my own life? Ultimately, it is those around me who prove that I am not alone, no matter how many times I feel that I am: my family, my friends.

This is not to say that my friend did not have these people; like his sister said, he would have been surprised at the sheer number of people who posted condolences about him, and who attended his funeral, because he didn't even like people! He touched so many people in ways that I don't think he understood, and I wish that he had known he wasn't alone. And maybe, perhaps, he did. In that case, I wish that his knowledge of such had been enough to save him from himself.



My words in my opening post may be naive words that hope to save someone else from themselves. Maybe I am naive for truly believing that the words of a stranger online would be enough to stop someone from taking their own life. Maybe my words are arrogant. Maybe I say them to try and absolve myself of my own misplaced guilt. But, regardless, I cannot not say them. Because, even if they are naive, maybe they are all that at least one person needs to stop themselves.

You matter. To someone somewhere, you matter. To someone, you are the most important person in their life. You are not alone. You are loved. You are important. The world will not be a better place without you in it.

I wish that I had known what my friend was going to do. I wish that I had been there more than I have been, not just for him, but for others that I love. And I wish that I could have said just what I said above to him, and that it would have been enough for him to still be here today. Like you said, JunseiKei, we need constant reassurances that we matter. People who don't understand probably see this as us being selfish or self-centered or needy, but I don't think that's the case. All I think is that hopefully, one day, we will stop needing such reassurances, because we will just know that we do matter, even if it is to just one person.

Regardless, myself needing these reassurances is what prompts to me to say, again, that you matter. That you are important. That at least one person, somewhere, loves you, and that their world will not be better off without you in it.

Maybe someone who wants to end their pain so badly they consider taking their own life will read this small post, and maybe the words of this stranger will be enough to stop them.



To Kosmos, mere words are never worthless. Words are extremely powerful things. The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is so utterly ridiculous, I cannot even begin to say how ridiculous that phrase is. Words are power, and they will always retain their power.

Your words to me are not worthless. Your words to others are not worthless. And I thank you for them. What has happened to me has given me pause to consider even more carefully than I already do, what kind of effect my words could have on people.



JunseiKei, I know that we don't know each other, that we are just strangers on an online forum who know each other only as "JunseiKei" and "HyoMinPark," and I know that neither of us could possibly imagine the pain that the other feels every day due to this terrible disease that we both have, but I want to say that I am glad that you are here. I am glad that you are strong enough to continue to fight against your own poisonous mind, and that you are a very important person.

I am glad that you're alive.

[Bourne_Endeavor]

My words in my opening post may be naive words that hope to save someone else from themselves. Maybe I am naive for truly believing that the words of a stranger online would be enough to stop someone from taking their own life. Maybe my words are arrogant. Maybe I say them to try and absolve myself of my own misplaced guilt. But, regardless, I cannot not say them. Because, even if they are naive, maybe they are all that at least one person needs to stop themselves.

They aren't. As someone who also endured the darker side of depression. Even the smallest sentiment can mean far more than one might intent. Sometimes, the words from a stranger have an even greater weight because they otherwise have no vested interest in your life yet... reach out for no other reason. That... is a powerful sentiment.

I would say more, but Junsei and you both have covered all that needs be said. I'll offer my sincere condolences.