A Heartfelt Post To This Community That I Am A Part Of.

[JunseiKei]

As someone who does currently suffer from suicidal depression

It's not sudden.

We're good at hiding the pain. We laugh, we smile, we pretend nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, our mind eats at our will because it's become a poison on it's own. We need constant reassurance that we mean something. It's tedious and yes, we know our friends and family loves us

But

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

It's a constant state of tug-of-war until you've beaten it.

If you beat it.

Before, someone posted on the forums a thread about people with disabilities. I responded to it and said I had one, but I didn't really want to talk about it. This is what I meant. I've been fighting it for 15 years. It's hard, and I have a scar on my wrist where I almost lost. I've gone to multiple rallies to talk about this stuff because... well... I understand where people are coming from and sometimes you just need someone to reach out, even a stranger, and say, "you're amazing." I'm the one that's more aware and trying to fight back and grabbing people by their collars and dragging them up with me, that shit really isn't quite as bad as our minds are making it out to be. I just have the added bonus of having a majority of my life telling me I'm worthless or to go kill myself from family and peers that makes it hard to crawl out of the hole myself. I think my mother and my husband are the only ones to not say it.

.. It's been a while since I got that off my chest.

Also, it's good to be aware: depression and suicide can be something that is a result from your brain chemistry. Sometimes prescriptions can "cure" you. It won't for people like me, who have reasons haunting them.

I will say a word of caution:
Suicide hotlines and all are a nice gesture, but be wary on which you contact. Some have volunteer staff with minimal training while others are fully staffed trained to handle various situations. Also, be aware the police may be notified and get involved. This sometimes leads to a lengthy (and pricey) process of counselling, therapy and possible prescribed drugs. These are not free. The call to the hotline will be, but the rest isn't.

Sorry you have to go through this. Part of what affects someone's decision to kill themself is because they truly believe they are alone. It's going to be harsh, but people need to understand: the fact the friends and family think it's so sudden is a testament to that decision.

Sorry if this post is bleak. I actually thought about just not posting it and backspaced it so many times. Funny how talking to a crowd of people is easier than posting on a forum anonymously. Maybe it's just easier for me to justify it when I see kids and think "you're too precious to lose" or see their parents and think "no kid should go through this loss."