Yoshi-P-ism: New Religion

[Anonymoose]

In the beginning, The Creator made Hydaelyn and Eorzea. Now the ground was formless and empty, and the Spirits of The Twelve were hovering over the waters, but he didn't really feel like adding any NMs or Quest Hubs, or anything.

And The Creator said, “Let there be light,” and there was an All-Worlds Emergency Maintenance.

The Creator called the light “astral,” and the darkness he called “umbral.” And there was evening, and there was morning — and there was a World Recovery for the Wutai server, because it tends to need that a lot.
The first day.

And The Creator said, “Let there be a vault between the waters.” And it was so. He called the vault “sky.” And there were no Airships with which to traverse it. He apparently saw no issue with this.
The second day.

And The Creator said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. He called the dry ground “land,” between the gathered waters, called “seas,” and there were no Chocobos with which to traverse it. He thought it was good, but it was not good.

Then The Creator said, “Let the land produce vegetation.” And it was so. And there were Gatherers. And The Creator saw that it was good; though he knew he'd probably have to try to cram some activities for them to do wherever possible - otherwise it wouldn't really make sense for them to have their own jobs, but he didn't actually get around to it.
The third day.

And The Creator said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night," And it was so. There were "Suns," and "Moons," and "Ages" of "Years," of all the spirits of the Twelve, but you wouldn't really know that unless you were really into clicking basically anything that was on the screen and happened to stumble across those Dusty Tomes randomly placed in a few guilds.
The fourth day.

And The Creator said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” And it was so. And they were safe, because they offered terrible SP.
The fifth day.

And The Creator said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds." And it was so. And they were divided into Kindred. And The Creator vowed not to tell a single adventurer which mob was in which category until they tested out the Eluder spells on them. And he made the Eluder spells useless so no one would buy them. Assured that no one would tell Voidsent from Soulkin - he saw that it was good. Again, though, it really wasn't all that good.

Then The Creator said, “Let us make The Spoken in our image," So adventurers were created in their own players' images, in the image of The Creator; And the male Miqo'te and female Rogedyn were told to go fornicate themselves.
The sixth day.

And on The Seventh Day, he /panic'd.

There was the Alpha.
And then there was the Beta.
And then there was the Rapture, but not the kind we wanted.

But then, on December Twenty-fi- {checks calendar} Tenth; a light shone bright in the sky, and there was An Important Announcement for FFXIV Fans as The Three Wise Community Reps gathered to witness the rise of Yoshi-P, who vowed to end the suffering of The Creator's people; and he sacrificed his sleep schedule for them.

And it was good; But people still complained a lot, even when it wasn't really realistic, because when you have enough free time to dedicate enough of it to an MMO to actually get anywhere, I guess it's kind of a given that you're not very good at finding other outlets for your frustration, either.

Faram.