I like this game but some people I met here have traumatized me.

This thread might sound silly to you but it's actually a serious topic that I need to mention, as it really got into me.

I've started to play Final Fantasy 14 on July 2016, so it's been a year, and I met wonderful people. The community is very nice, at least on my server, people are trying to help each other. However I've also met other players in game, randomly, that have had a huge impact on my well being.

Now, there isn't a day when I don't think about them and it seriously drives me crazy. Among all my encounters in this game, two names, two, come out of the ordinary. Of course I won't be saying any of these names but I need to explain to you a little bit how it's been impacting me, because I feel like this is the right thing to do and I would like to get, perhaps, some advice, some points of view.

I'm young, I am barely 20yo, and due to family events I'm very concerned about the others and I always try to have things working well. Quite emotional, yes, and that didn't help with the friendship I built with these two friends.

I either feel disgust, regret or deep melancholy when thinking about them because we used to be really close, and then the bounds disappeared. I've been warned by other players to be careful because one of them was a drama sort of person, you know, always mysterious, will never tell things and will leave you without any answer. This behaviour that appeared progressively certainly significates some sort of depression but it reached me at an unbelievable point: I was so much concerned that I actually spent days doing nothing but thinking about it, and I even missed University exams just because of that. In other words it also got me depressed, depressed just because of an online friendship on a virtual game. And of course, I am not telling you all the details.

When I speak about friendships, I always insist on the importance of that same word. I consider friendships something very special, maybe too much important, and sometimes people don't understand fully how significant it is for me to care for such bounds.

It would take ages to say how it is, I even had nightmares, lots of nightmares, about that topic. An example: I dreamed that my fc and me were trying to save my friend from turning to the enemy's side, that was symbolized by the Imperium. You might tell me to just forget, or put less importance in friendships, in people, but that really is easy to say and difficult to do. I really love my relatives and I just can't stop caring all of a sudden just because someone tells me to do so.

I eventually had enough of one of them and I literally had a conversation with her saying that I wouldn't want to see her anymore, because I got fed up and that others were true about her. So we removed each other from all social networks and blocked each other. Now, the weird part is that I still consider her as a friend, I feel so much regret because I can not speak to her anymore, but I also feel disgusted.

The story is different for the other friend, but the simplified version would be to say that he promised things, again, and didn't move his finger nor sent any message since. And yet it's been three or four months.

I now have lots of difficulties to forget and forgive, what people say or do leave a mark in my mind. And again, I am here to speak about it and find ways to move on, because I really have memories coming back each day. I have never felt so much anxiety, sadness, depression and anger in a friendship but here.

On the other hand, I've met numerous other friends on ff14 and it's a real pleasure to have them around me.

But about them both, how comes that happened? How can I stop thinking about it? Will I ever be able to?

I do not want to experience a similar thing again, it really is frightening.

Thank you very much ><

Hello, Nauarchia.
I think this will be deleted so I'ma just say this really fast.

Not to be mean in ANY way, but if this is hurting you so much, you should seek some counseling.
I've read this multiple times to try and understand but if I was on your server I'd try to talk
to you and ease your mind a bit but I am no professional. I also waited for someone else to
post but I think a lot of us are confused how to respond here since this isn't a good place to post this.
Seems like a touchy and difficult subject, and again, not a good place to post.
Just stay away from bad people, and forget them and cherish the people you have as friends.
Don't let people on this game ruin your real life. Just try and move on.

I hope you feel better someday. Take care.

Well, I know, it certainly is going to be deleted. It's a sensitive subject as it's very personal. Just thought that I'd write it here since it's part of my ff14 experience.

Usually, nowadays, I don't even mind explaining this to people as it's too complex and too long. My family wouldn't even understand o.o It almost appeared on the forum by magic... or by tiredness! but it is fine, it won't kill me anyway :) and I'd certainly be willing to remove it as soon as I wake up anyway since it's a huge source of cringyness. I also actually hate seeing how I can be trapped in that situation anyway, it feels wrong since I don't want to be that kind of person who does drama or whatever >:C

Thank you very much for your answer Mikhaill. It still brings comfort.

Going to echo with Milkhaill said. Though while I agree insofar as you should seek therapy, I must disagree on the idea of it must be counselling.

Would you prefer to gain an understanding of your issues and why they occur as they do? Counselling.
Would you prefer to gain strategies to work around them and stop them happeining? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy/Dialectical Behavioural Therapy

It will get better. You will meet dozen upon dozen of people that will only use you for their own gains. But in the end, you will grow a thick skin and move on.

Find yourself a good counselor. Simply having a sympathetic ear can do wonders.

I'm just gonna echo what others said with the utmost of seriousness I can muster: you need therapy. Please get help.

By the sounds of things, you have above average empathy and you are more of a social being then a fair number of people.

For now I would say focus on the people you do hang out with, not the people you lost touch with. If they want to come back they will come back and you can choose to accept them then or not. Try to put any worry out of mind about them, your focus should be on the here, now, and what is going to happen in the future rather then what could have gone differently.

^ this. Or as I like to put it - Live in the now. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. Who knows what the future may bring? What's most important is right now. Keep the positive people in your life (virtual or no) close, and learn to see the warning signs with the negative types. So you never find yourself so badly effected again. I know, all easier said then done, but some things to think about anyway.

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Originally Posted by Nauarchia

You might tell me to just forget, or put less importance in friendships, in people, but that really is easy to say and difficult to do. ><

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If won't tell you to forget, but you have to learn. Life is not easy. If you can't put enough effort to make things better for yourself, then you rightfully deserve the situation you're in.

Everyone goes through much crap in life. But it is these things that make people smarter and wiser. However, people who are afraid to learn the lessons life give, end up being slaves to fear.

Speaking from personal experience; Sometimes you just have to teach yourself to focus your emotions and energy on the people that matter and not devote anything to those who would only bring negativity into your life.

Letting go isn't easy, but it's also something only you can learn for yourself.

I know what it must feel like, at least in some parts. I had someone in FF14 in my old FC that I truly saw as a friend and trusted her. Yet after years I was put aside for a another person and it really hurt but at that moment I decided that game is never worth such pain so I went away from the FC, created one with only a real life friend that I could trust and since then it got better. Now I only feel pity for that person.

At the same time I had another person that was nice on the outside but turned out to be a really horrible person. I was not the only one. that that person hurt with their behavior and it seems that they are FC jumping, maybe to get a kick out of that? Either way I sometimes get the feeling that those players are never truly punished, while others are banned for the smallest things.

The best you could do is trying to forget them and start to be a bit more slower with ingame friendships because if you do not know them in real life you will never truly know who they are. Also if you feel like this is too emotional for you try to get away from it a bit. I first thought that it would be the best to try to save the "friendship" but over the time I realized how it was influencing my real life too so I decided that it was enough, and this was the best decision I could do.

Friendship is never all about sunshine and rainbows but a true friend will never behave like that so you should not call them friends anymore. And if you see that you cant overcome it, dont be ashamed to call for help in real life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nauarchia

I do not want to experience a similar thing again, it really is frightening.

Thank you very much ><

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Hmmm when your playing a game online is a risk that you take. Yes you may have some great experiences, and you may also meet some trolls out there who just really don't have nothing better to do with their time. There are all types. With this being said, it's sad but true, The world has become a bit soft and people get easily offend or feel attacked. Online games are not a safe space type of deal were people get along. The world isn't that nice and no one is special. It's a harsh lesson and it's great that there are players like you. If your dramatized by something as little as this you may need some professional help do to being over protected while growing up. ( this is what happens when they want everyone to get a trophy for just trying ) As parents we all want to protect our children and sometimes we over protect them to the point were when reality hits they get traumatized. So it's all about your state of mind, why let harsh people get to you? As long as you did your part that is all that matters. If you run into a bad apple maybe they are RPing, maybe they are just total trolls, blacklist them and move on.

If we were in the same server I would help you overcome this...to a point as a fellow gamer. However this is part of life. How you handle this opportunity can shape who you are and I'm hopping it's for the best. Be open to friendships just don't get your hopes up. Accept them for who they are and expect the same. If betrayed move on and say thank you one less headache :P

I understand how you feel, from what you have said in your age perspective I was not different back than when i was a teenager. The only friends I had were in Mmorpgs, now the thing was my social life went down the drain i missed school or got send home due to not focusing at all. Thus you have to understand no matter how friendly a person may be in a game or how appealing they seem to talk, never attache yourself to people who you do not know. Only trust does you know in real life. Moreover love and care for does who you can hold in your arms, have a laugh, have a walk with them seeing them eye to eye. Do not let your emotions from people who do not know you, break your hearts content in real life. Words wont teach but people here are giving you advice, cherish that, others may never get to see or hear it. Your not alone.

What your experiencing is what we call online as internet drama.

As far as I can tell just from your post alone is that your a pretty nice guy, very sympathetic also very vulnerable, but you have to get smart about these things and have the courage to say: "No! I don't want to hear or know what your going through, coz even if I do, there is nothing I can do to help you...", Everybody has problems, but not everybody is going around dumping their issues with people they meet online, Sympathy is a drug that fuels some people, you have to learn when to give it and when not too.

Look your probably the type of guy that likes to help people, but just like me we don't have the education or proper training help anybody we don't meet in person.

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Originally Posted by Alleo

snip.

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I am going to say what i once said to a friend. The experience with the first person you mention sounds more to me like you a crush on them. Whether or not you are a guy or an actual girl, the feelings can be just platonic. My friend would even ditch me most of the time lol to help this new girl who rarely paid attention to him, but it gave him some sort of attention.

The secon experience. I have seen tbis happenkng a lot. People noticed the bad behavior and/or are told about people but dont really want to to believe it? Because they haven't experienced anything, but people start to talk when they get hurt. I would say learn to be a bit skeptic with people. Dont give you all and the energy to try to be friends. Measure how much they give and do the same. Sometime, people, who are good and nice, dont notice tbat they are not being considerated to some people.

I've had a similar experience, OP. I made some (at least, I thought I did) close friends in this game. It was a friendship that went beyond FF, I trusted them with some very personal things about me. Our group even grew a little over the year or so we did stuff together. We played games other than FF and overall had fun.

Then, somewhere around new year's, 2 of them, that I knew were dating, just outright stopped talking to the rest. Silence on our linkshells, on our Discord chat, pretty much everywhere. They just started ignoring everything. It hurt me and another in the group in more ways than one, since up to that point we were talking pretty much every day and hanging out and such. Them suddenly doing a 180 was incredibly saddening.

In the end, me and that other friend ended up moving server in no small part due to that. Yes, there were other reasons, but because of all that building up we just didn't feel like our last server was a home to us. Coincidentally, that happened to be Moogle too. Now that I'm on Behemoth, in a new FC with incredibly fun people, I feel like I found my place again.

It's incredibly sad when you're so invested in a friendship only for that to fall apart for reasons you yourself don't know.

For your health and well being I suggest toughening up. Not joking or poking fun. Tells yourself NOT to dwell on negative subjects; all you're doing is needlessly hurting yourself. You could be happy. You can also use anger management tools for this. I know that sounds strange but they can work. Just google them or find a method that works for you.

There is a saying I try to remember when these things happen -- don't cross oceans for someone that wouldn't jump puddles for you.

Since we're all sharing our stories here i want to relieve myself too. I also met people in this game who hurt me because they were so important to me. One of them I talked to pretty much every day about how he's doing, how he didn't feel well in his fc, what other problems he had. He changed to my fc after a while and I thought things were getting better. But then, out of nothing, he left. Sent us a letter he went back to his fc, not even telling us a reason. He left the game soon after. He did return some day though, and told us why he left - it was a pretty silly reason. I wouldn't have minded half as much if he told me. He changed server now though, and i have no idea where he went.

I also met another person that actually made me change server. He was kinda nice at first, but soon started being awfully dramatic, leaving the fc over every little dispute just to come back a day later, and one day he actually deleted his character. Just to restore it the day after. He got more and more insensitive and i ended up kicking him for good. I thought that was it but, months later, he came by our house and tracked down an fc member while she was gathering and started talking to her. Since he was pretty awful to her too she just teleported away. And what could you even do when somebody is just standing at your house? He had no business there but it's not a reportable offence, so me and that other fc member just left the server... I miss the days when we were friends, but I'm glad about being as far away as possible from him.

you can take this however way you want. I have a masters degree in counseling others but i am not here to even remotely or assume a diagnosis of any sort.

With that said, i would heavily recommend you to see a therapist. This isn't defeat of mentality but it will help you sort out these things that give you nightmares and have you think about them everyday.

That's my suggestion at least.

I would like to thank everyone for posting answers to my concerns here. However I'm very tired right now so I won't make a full reply now, but all you said was interesting to read. I want to give a more detailed answer tomorrow because I want to come back on a few points that were told and on similarities with some of you. ^^

Thank you very much, I'll come back to this thread after I wake up and have some free time :v

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JumperX

I am going to say what i once said to a friend. The experience with the first person you mention sounds more to me like you a crush on them. Whether or not you are a guy or an actual girl, the feelings can be just platonic. My friend would even ditch me most of the time lol to help this new girl who rarely paid attention to him, but it gave him some sort of attention.

The secon experience. I have seen tbis happenkng a lot. People noticed the bad behavior and/or are told about people but dont really want to to believe it? Because they haven't experienced anything, but people start to talk when they get hurt. I would say learn to be a bit skeptic with people. Dont give you all and the energy to try to be friends. Measure how much they give and do the same. Sometime, people, who are good and nice, dont notice tbat they are not being considerated to some people.

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We are both girls so no I did not have crush on them. I just felt that we had much in common and as a shy girl in real life I was just happy to have found someone that shared some interest with me. So one could say more like "best friends". We ran a lot together and wrote quite a lot and this friendship went on for years. Yet suddenly she did not talk much anymore, I was lucky if I got a "hello" from her. I tried to talk with her about that but all I heard were excuses. After that I truly looked at it and realized that this happened to other people that where with her too, so it seems that if you are not interesting enough anymore you will be replaced. It hit me hard because I truly believed that it was friendship but I am over that now. And I agree I am also way more skeptic after all the stuff since one can easily be fooled by anyone online. The problem with the second one was, that nobody knew them thus we did not have any idea about their behavior until it was too late. But even after getting kicked out of the FC they still behaved very badly. I never had much to do with that person yet somehow they loved to talk bad about me to people that did not even knew them. I warned others from my friend list about them, when they met that person but somehow people want to make their own experience thus got hurt too. I am just annoyed that someone like that is still allowed to play the game.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rakiria

I also met another person that actually made me change server. He was kinda nice at first, but soon started being awfully dramatic, leaving the fc over every little dispute just to come back a day later, and one day he actually deleted his character. Just to restore it the day after. He got more and more insensitive and i ended up kicking him for good. I thought that was it but, months later, he came by our house and tracked down an fc member while she was gathering and started talking to her. Since he was pretty awful to her too she just teleported away. And what could you even do when somebody is just standing at your house? He had no business there but it's not a reportable offence, so me and that other fc member just left the server... I miss the days when we were friends, but I'm glad about being as far away as possible from him.

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You know that sound exactly like the second person I wrote about in my post. Leaving the FC for silly reason, getting back in and after they did not get back in again they started to talk bad about us, especially me (since I was one of the leaders of the FC) and even stalked me some time. They even made some people stop playing or change server. I did contact customer service but it seems that they were not punished.

Anyway I learned my lesson and since then the game is much more fun. I do talk to people but I am not letting anyone get that close. I just hope that the OP can overcome it too since those people are not worth the pain.

Dear mod: Please dont delete this thread. It might be a bit more serious talk but as long as people dont mention names I believe its a good way to just share some stuff and see that one is not the only one that got through something like that. Talking about such things also helps.

Ok I'll probably get flamed to a crisp here but there is no offence to the OP at all. In this game/forum there are many emo type posts like this about friendships and anxiety etc etc that I've never seen in other games to this extent. Now I'm talking not as a nasty jerk or anything and more like an older brother or friend type of thing.
Basically get a grip.
People you meet ingame no matter how close you can get you need to still keep them at arms length emotionally atleast. Looking at your OP your 20 yo but with your vocabulary etc your obviously a well educated one. Don't let ppl behind a keyboard that you never met have any impact on you what so ever. And number one rule don't ever fall in love on a game which not to say this is what's happened but it does in some cases lol.
Just chin up! And game on bro!
Stop QQ more Pew pew

Firstly OP, bless you for posting this, very brave of you. I think you may benefit from some kind of therapy. Having someone to talk to can be fantastic when feeling low.


When you are someone as caring as you seem to be, it can be difficult to get by in an MMO. I think the first thing you can do to help yourself in future is to remember that with MMOs, people come and go. It is sad. People don't play forever. I still have a bunch of people on my friend list who have not been online for years, but I had such fun with them and many happy memories.

The friends I have in game are very close to me, a few of them know a lot about me and I know a lot about them. Sadly some have fallen out with each other, and one no longer speaks to any of us as a result. At first it really hurt me. But then I found out a lot about that person, they lied about many things. It was a bit of a wake up call. Anyone can claim to be anything online. You don't really know these people. So it is silly to let it effect your real life.

It's hard to do I know. I once had an fc friend's problems keeping me up at night and I thought to myself, I got kids and a family to worry about. Why am I letting this effect me so? Worrying and upsetting my own life accomplishes nothing. That helped me a little.

It is lovely to forge such strong friendships in game, but you deffinately need to develop the ability to stop the breaking of those damaging you in the real world.

A friend of mine is also very much like yourself. He was becoming depressed irl because of events in game. He's now taking a break on our advice and I think he is slowly doing better for it. If the game brings you more sadness then joy, it is time for a break.

You are all enabling the OP fueling their desire to seek out bad relationships so they can feed their constant need for sympathy and approval.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paladinleeds

Going to echo with Milkhaill said. Though while I agree insofar as you should seek therapy, I must disagree on the idea of it must be counselling.

Would you prefer to gain an understanding of your issues and why they occur as they do? Counselling.
Would you prefer to gain strategies to work around them and stop them happeining? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy/Dialectical Behavioural Therapy

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Wish I could like this post more than once :) And Mikhaill's post. The latter really does work, I would highly recommend it as having anxiety and depression myself.... I will say to you, know your own self-worth, you have value, focus on those people who do value you in turn. As you get older, you will get a thicker skin and learn to deal with people like that, learn to focus on what's good for you and the good people in it. Then tough times, though hard, are manageable, you can and will prevail :)

@Heiosnabradia: Thank you for your message. I actually spent hours and hours talking to my co-leader on Discord about my friend (the one I ended up blocking) because, like someone else said, this person also did fc jumping and she ended up joining our free company. I refused to speak to her by using a microphone until she entered my guild and forced me to take new measures to make her feel better, she even got a certain rank in the fc. She told me many times things were fine but it was always lies. It was somehow impossible to envisage any discussion outloud with her, but it actually happened a short while after she joined and I was absolutely mesmerized when I heard her talking. The co-leader was here, and I did not dare talking. It was very cringy and she left the call not so long after. My friend said that she sounds like a drama person; but what's interesting here was my behaviour at that moment. The friendship being a rollercoaster that never stops lead me to a point where I could not even behave normally as if I was scared of heights. After that we had a discussion in-game and we even said that it was a new beginning, but she actually left two days after.

My friend told me that it looked like me having a crush on her, JumperX even says the same; but I believe it is different; mainly because I'm not into girls. The purpose of our friendship never was to be extended to an advanced relationship anyway, we just met in-game while doing hunts and became close friends, nothing more.

She was fc jumping indeed, and she brought drama to my free company. I got enough and stopped all interaction with her a week after she left. But yes, memories are still there. I think the best therapy I can take is just to let time pass and do activities that keep me busy. I will follow your advice, like Stormfur said I shall not "cross oceans for someone that wouldn't jump puddles for you". It's very sad to say, and this is hurting a lot. You think you can trust people, and they end up changing and being very mean to you.

Now the thing is that it would have been better to be able to help them... but it's very difficult to do virtually, especially if they act that way with us... I understand eaudaemon's words about it and have no choice but to accept how it is.

I share the same feelings than The_Shang has with these friends who don't interact with him and others anymore. Since we know them virtually only, it is like one of our close friends died and we will never hear anything from them ever again. It will take time to get rid of these memories.

With that being said, I know that I would still hesitate to say "Yes" if someone asked me if I would accept to talk to her again. And also the problem isn't mainly about her, but about the two friends and it saddens me to see their nickname in-game, no matter how crual or stupid it sounds. For some reasons I even have put distance between people we used to be friends with just because we met when all that stuff was happening.

____

By writing more and more, it sounds like a "Draw my life!" series, which I do not like very much. That's why I will stay at this point now and listen to what you told me. It helped to just read your words, they bring a new dimension to my meditation; which I appreciate a lot.

Thank you very much! ^^

You should play another game or find a new hobby. I'm not saying it to be mean, this is a game and shouldn't give you nightmares. Everyone in game are just pixels with names playing out one fantasy or another. If you take it all to seriously your going to get burned. If you do play another game......don't play Eve.

drown it down with brown

Sounds like the birth of a supervillain

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Originally Posted by SOIYA

Sounds like the birth of a supervillain

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Oh my god, you literally killed me!

It feels like this awkward thread is going to turn me into some sort of low quality meme based on your sentence at one point :-o

I had a similar experience on another game. I was in a guild for almost a year. I was also one of the first people in it. I thought I was good friends with all of them including the leader. We talked a lot out of the game. I spent so many hours and money in the game, it messed up my schoolwork.

Then the game gave the option to transfer servers. We were going to transfer the guild to a more popular server. Right before the guild switched over, they told me "oh, by the way, you are not coming with us." They they peoceeded to tell lies to the other members about why I could not come. They then blocked me on everything.

So I was stuck on the other server, unable to progress at all because there were only like 2 active people high enough level left on the server.