Mentors are toxic omg

You should fix the title. 'Everyone is Toxic'. What's perfectly normal to say to one person can be insulting to the next, since the world is filled with snowflakes.

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Originally Posted by HeulGDarian

tsunderes?

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Ha ha ha ha !!!

What I got from your post is that you took on a tough job, and that says something good about you, and you became disillusioned, frustrated, and burnt out. Between what you said and my own experience giving/receiving advice, I concluded you are repeating common communication mistakes that so many others are making and its possible that things could have turned out much better. I'm not saying, "you are the common denominator" so much as "your approach is the common denominator".

A mentor, here or elsewhere, requires you to have great subject matter knowledge (which SE requires) and know how to communicate in a variety of situations (which SE does not require). Most of us only know how to give advice in a calm, cool and collected context when you can say almost anything in any way and it will be well received. Communicating in a crisis is profoundly different and people just don't know how to handle that unless they've had some training or great role models. When failure has already occurred, everyone's adrenaline levels are up, activating their "fight or flight" modes (to a degree), what worked in a calm situation can be seen as a personal attack and backfire spectacularly.

Those many, many, many "backfired spectacularly" moments have left their mark.

"Praise in public, criticize/punish in private" isn't something I invented, its been taught in management and leadership courses for a long time (I learned in college in the 1980's). Its a very well known principle.

I did a poor job communicating it.
1. It's not really "never ever". its a "rule" that allows for exceptions. The "never ever" was an attempt at emphasis.

2. I said "you" and re-reading that, what I intended as a generalized "you" (all mentors/advice-givers) instead came across as calling you out.

Following this principle is at least one of the things you should consider. If improving your communication abilities matter to you, do your own research (not everyone agrees with the above), think critically and make your own decisions on the matter.

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Originally Posted by PerrinTaveren

People should learn to take advice

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I agree. Looking at you.

Hopefully if you chose to walk this road again, you will be better prepared and have a much better experience.

"Mentors are bad", "mentors are so toxic"; <insert other random garbage thread titles here>.

Seen so many of these threads; Keep it to one instead of starting new ones on the same topic. It's getting tiresome seeing new threads pop up every other day about "mentors being toxic". We get it; We know. SE hasn't been doing anything to change the standards. Just blacklist and move along; Report the ones that are actually harassing people. That's all you can do.

I've been a mentor; I've been yelled at, screamed at, told I was being reported, even when I was trying to help. Most of the abuse was coming from sprouts btw. I gave up trying to be nice and took off the crown a year ago. I help those who ask for it only now. As the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. It's the same here. The entire community is not great and is toxic like every MMO out there. All players can be rude at some point in the day, including myself. I just complain internally. I've been THAT player that has eaten penalty, even if you've exhausted all options you can think of.

I'm just tired of dealing with abuse daily, because I've tried helping people out of the goodness of my heart. It's made me not like to help people much anymore, and that's saying something. I love helping people... but now I don't.

All mentors are toxic and bad as everyone says though. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Originally Posted by Ayuhra

One thing to keep in mind is even if someone snaps at you for giving them advice, they might still take advice to heart.

Ego and pride prevents them from saying they made a mistake in the moment.

Not arguing that this is a pleasant response to deal with...just, keep giving advice if someone seems like they need it. Politely, of course.

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No. Doesn't matter if you phrase it politely. If they make it clear, by being rude no less, that they don't want your advice and you continue to give it then they can (and some will) report you.

Just leave the duty. After all, it's a difference in play style. They can't force you anymore than you can force them so there's no point in continuing.

Multiplayer games are toxic in general. That is why I love the idea of trust. I have not played in a party since jumping back in, no desire to......EVER....

I play casually, and perfectly fine with that. Rarely even communicate with anyone.........I actually quit very soon into the game. I did purchase a boost. Just playing through the stories solo, taking it all in.......

I don't need to have the best gear, be on leader-boards, or do extreme raids. I am perfectly fine doing the story and playing XI (Which is very solo friendly even for great gear) on and off.

I play all multiplayer games solo. Just because it is an mmo, doe not mean one cannot play it solo. It is a multiplayer game. If you re fine being a lone wolf.....It is your prerogative. If you like groups, it is your prerogative.

I really don't deal with the stuff the OP mentioned in multiplayer games (Anymore lol....); but stories like these justify my decision of being the "Rambo" of MMOs.

I was literally in an E8S party the other day. One of the other members asked the ninja why he kept keeping doton up on the boss the entire fight and told him it should only be used in the opener. The ninja then left the party and proceeded to send the person tells calling them toxic. I had to laugh at that. That person literally gave them advice that could increase their dps tremendously and they got insulted for it.

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Originally Posted by Aurelius2625

How about no? It's not "Shaming" it's "we literally won't clear this if you keep doing these things".

Dude, grow up. Be an adult. Be a man/woman. If you are PLAYING WRONG in a TEAM GAME and your TEAM needs you to DO BETTER and someone is TELLING YOU HOW, you should do that.

It's not SHAMING. Public shaming by telling you how to dps/heal/tank? No. Absolutely not. That's not shaming. That's giving advice.

"Hey moron, do this instead you brainlet" is toxic.... "Hey man, use one tank cooldown per pull, and if the mobs are still alive, use reprisal or arms length when they are up, or your personal cooldown" is NOT SHAMING.

Have skin that is thicker than wet tissue. There are people who will tell me what I am doing wrong, it's okay. I usually read and ask questions in The Balance discord so I'm usually at the top of my game anyways...but for specific things I will ask or be told about.

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Everything you said is correct. But, SE is getting scared, same with Blizzard with how the minority of Karens that exist have screechingly loud voices. It only takes 1 Karen to go to the media with a twisted view about how a game is creating toxic people or is racist, or is whatever other -ist there is. Blizzard removed the "b" word (might get banned for saying here) because they claim it's offensive. Huh? SE is trying to make FF14 a "safe place" to play the game but it continues to promote the ideology that people are too fragile to accept a criticism or voice for improvement. IMO they should grow some skin because it will continue to trickle down until at some point we will have only 1 emote to communicate with each other and it's a heart emote and maybe then, it might be removed given enough time.

I do remember when the mentor status got its negative stigma and its extremely noticeable effect on the amount of commendations I'd get if I had the crown on for content. Also there does seem to be a built-in kneejerk reaction now when mentors give advice that isn't there when the same advice is given by non mentors but this purely anecdotal so I couldn't say it's a widespread trend aside from the fact that this thing comes up every few months. That being said it's mostly just a person problem and sometimes it doesn't matter how nice or how knowledgeable you are, some people will refuse to take advice or will support bad play and there's not much you can do about it.

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Originally Posted by SweetestLily

I was literally in an E8S party the other day. One of the other members asked the ninja why he kept keeping doton up on the boss the entire fight and told him it should only be used in the opener. The ninja then left the party and proceeded to send the person tells calling them toxic. I had to laugh at that. That person literally gave them advice that could increase their dps tremendously and they got insulted for it.

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Ah yes, the classic "Why are you doing this?" when instead a much better approach would be "hey Ninja, you could do a lot more dps just by using doton in opener only, watch try it. :)", but hey, I don't know how to talk to people at all. I've never been reported for being a mentor and have only ever gotten comes. Yes I realize this thread is old and nope I don't care.