In the spirit of the day, make your own Fake Patch Notes for your favorite Job.

Oh boy I'm just gunna keep editing this as I come up with more.

Dark Knight
Low Blow: upon use, a hole will now open up beneath the players target and cause their character to shout "This is Sparta!"

Monk
The glitch where 'Arm of the Destroyer' was displayed for the skill 'Stomp of the Destroyer' has been fixed.
After some careful consideration, Stomp of the Destroyer doesn't have the ring we want, so it's been renamed 'Leg Day'.
To accommodate the adjustments to Leg Day, it's icon has been changed into a foot.

We got yelled at so Leg Days icon has been reverted. (You would have liked it though!)

Machinist
An issue where Machinists dealt damage has been resolved.
Wildfire will now heal the target upon activation.

Bard
Bards limit break now heals the party as intended.

Blackmage
The helper text for the ability Leylines has been fixed. It now reads: 'A skill that attracts any and all AOE damage to its vicinity. secondary effect: increased Spell speed'

Warrior
The use of the skill Tomahawk will now force the Warrior to fight barehanded until their axe can be relocated.

Trials:
Fixed the instance where whistles would drop in the following trials:
Ravana EX, Bismack EX, Thordan EX, and Sephiroth EX
Instead, the whistles were replaced with a 'Complimentary Tissue'.

Mounts
Fixed the issue where Tortoise mounts would not be equipped with a barf bag.

Dungeons
Antitower will now drop an item called the Pineapple Upside-down cake.
To accommodate this adjustment, Antitower will now be set to appear 100% of the time in expert roulette.
In fact, we just went ahead and renamed Expert Roulette to Antitower.

Monk: Forms are now replaced by two stances.
Hokuto Shinken: Increase auto attack speed by 1000%. Character now also yells "ATATATATATATATA" while attacking.

Ameri-Do-Te: You now deal 200% more damage with each skill. TP regenerates at double speed.

Scholar: Miasma and Energy Drain no longer miss.

I would die.

Hallowed Ground is now a trait.

Added effect: When a DRK is in the party, they lose their edginess and deal reduced damage.

New Job!
Red Mage has been introduced to the land of Eorzea!
Red Mage is unlocked upon accepting the quest "Hats for All"
Players must first unlock the Fencer class first.
The base class of Fencer is categorised as a Disciple of War
The job of Red Mage is categorised as a Disciple of Magic.
We hope this will solidify Red Mage's Front Row role as a spellblade! In the circumstances, Red Mage shall be classed as a DPS.
Red Mage shall have native access to Conjurer and Thamaturge spells in addition to Red Mage unique spells and abilities!
Unlike other Mages, Red Mage's spells are all instant cast. However, spells are usable only as part of a Combo Action or as a Closer
Similar to Mudra inputs, depending on the combo utilised spells and actions may take on alternative forms and effects such as buffs, debuffs, and area of effect enhancements.
Please enjoy discovering all the possible combinations!
Please note Red Mage Artifact Gear shall be introduced in an incremental patch in the forthcoming weeks. Please look forward to it! Coming soon!

(Red Mage is my favourite job. Goes back to playing FF3 ;x)

Machinist and Bard
Limit break: Now does noticeable damage.....lol sorry not sorry I play Machinist and played bard so watching your LB do nothing in the vault for example on the second boss is depressing.

Astrologian
-Diurnal Sect/Nocturnal Sect: Since Astrologians were stealing hate from tanks anyways, they will now just automatically tether to a tank when a sect is equipped. All hate generated by tanks is now transferred to Astrologians.

Crafters
-All specialists now have 9999 in Craftsmanship, Control, and CP, while other crafters have 0 in every stat.
-You can only do one craft per day unless you're a specialist.
-Specialist only skills will now cost 0 CP and any Additional (Cross-classable) skills have been abolished.

New Class!
Blue Mage
-Role: Tank
-Disciple of Magic
-Instead of learning spells from being hit by them, you will instead "throw" the spells back at enemies.
-While this class is still in the works, we feel everyone will be very excited about it.


Please look forward to it.

Bard: Due to the overwhelming dislike of Wanderer's Minuet and the jarring playstyle change it brings, we will be removing it from the job. In it's place we will be adding a trait called Steady Aim, which will begin adding a stacking damage buff for every second you remain still. Once you move the stacks begin falling off, one per second.

Abilities that previously were only available during WM will now be available full time but will have a 1.5 sec cast timer added.

Machinst: Due to the feedback regarding the job's rng style of damage we will be removing the rng aspect of the abilites. To make up for this, Reload and Quick Reload will instead give a damage boost to the weaponskills it effects.

We are also adding in a toggle for Gauss Barrel and ammo box so that those who do not enjoy the graphics can hide them.

Paladin:

Adjustment:

Cover: Range is extended to 12y

Job traits added:

Adamant: While in Shield Oath, enmity is gained after a successful shield block or parry.
Enhanced Phalanx: Adds effect: Syphons enmity onto PLD from all party members within the effect of Phalanx.
Bastion: Occasionally reduces incoming damage by a critical amount. Damage is displayed normally with the amount reduced in larger bold text followed by a "!"

Abilities added:

Reprisal: Cast:Instant Cool Down:120s Duration:20s; Deals counter damage during a successful shield block with a potency of 30.
Phalanx: Cast: Instant Cool Down:300s Duration: ~s; Raises a protective barrier that reduces damage taken by 50% for 15s. Barrier Effect: Damage reduced is shared by all party members within 10y or closer to PLD. Effect ends when total damage reduced reaches or exceeds 75% of PLD max HP.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Morzy

Monk
-Shoulder tackle now has infinite range.

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Plays the Sonic X Theme song for 30 seconds when activated.

Gotta go fast.