Social Anxiety and Dungeons

I'm on the autism spectrum, and I have a lot of issues with social anxiety - someone suggested joining an MMO as a way to build up my confidence etc

I've been playing for a few months, and this is my first MMO. I leveled up to 41 as an arcanist then tried to go into Stone Vigil. Every time I tried I got kicked before we even started. I got so much abuse, even got threatened with being doxxed. Since then I've done everything I can to avoid dungeons.

Now I am a white mage at lvl 41.

I tried Stone Vigil twice yesterday - my first time back in dungeons for a month - got abuse for not healing quickly enough or dodging attacks - then got kicked when I said it's my first MMO.

It's freaked me out and I am scared I'm going to get everyone wiped.

I'd appreciate any help or advice - I love this game and I don't want to have to give it up.

Are you in an FC or do you know anyone who will help you out with these dungeons. It sounds like you have been avoiding dungeons a bit and as a result, might be a tad rusty when it comes to working as a group and knowing what others will expect of you in party play.

You could have just two bad experiences in a row as a freak occurence too, since most wont kick you right away from the start as a DPS, unless you either had really low level gear, or if you didnt have your soul stone or something like that.

Healer is a pretty visible class, just like tank, so mistakes will be noticed more prominently when you play those classes. If you are trying to build up confidence, maybe a dps might be a bit better until you are more comfortable, but play what you like really.

Just need a kinda thick skin in the world of MMO's since a lot of your party members tend to forget you are a human being behind the keyboard are are very concerned with their own personal progression.

I've avoided FC's for the same reason - I joined one when I first started (wasn't even at level 5 at that point), and got freaked out because I was being asked to farm dungeons and had no idea what I was doing.

I think you're right in that I'm rusty! I know I need to push through this but I keep freaking out.

Oh sweetie! I am sorry for your bad experiences! People in duty finder groups are renowned for not being the most pleasant to be around. Once you become confident in your abilities and know the dungeons. they won't scare you anymore but you have to get to that point. Finding a good FC is step one for sure! If you were on my server, I would take you in and help you learn the dungeons myself!

Also, report people for harassment and kicking you from dungeons like that! It is against the rules of the game!

Heya

I'll run some dungeons with you :) I see you'er on Lich anyway. You can contact me in game... I'm not sure how long you'll be on but I'll be on in about an hour, I have an errand to run. :)

I'm about to hit the hay, but if you're about tomorrow can I give you a shout?

Unfortunately some folks can be horrible, and because the horrible ones are also the loudest they're the ones you hear most about. There are some great people out there who genuinely like to help.

If you were on Balmung I'd happily offer an invitation to our budding little FC but I wish you the best of luck on Lich! My suggestion is to look for an FC with a focus on Casual and Leveling play, who no markers in PVP or Hardcore; those two tend to bring out the more aggressive, focused individuals which might not be of as much help to you starting out.

That's fine, I should be on tomorrow a few hours before right now. :)

Hey there, sorry you had rough experiences. The DF is a dice roll when it comes to quality of character, there are anonymous jerks that are mean for the sake of it knowing that the chances of running into you again are slim to none. It's a shame it happens, but it's a rare occurence. A lot of players are helpful and compassionate, or at the very least politely quiet, don't let a few bad apples get you down.

Have you tried healing dungeons before Stone Vigil? Stone Vigil is a pretty healing intensive dungeon that may catch you off guard if you're inexperienced, there are hard hitting patrol mobs, potent poison DoT's, enemies with high magic attack, and the bosses, especially the last one, put out fair levels of damage. If you don't have much experience, spend some time in lower level dungeons honing your skills, or you could spend some time in dungeons that are a little more taxing, such as Brayflox's Longstop or Cutter's Cry. Reaching out to a friendly, casual FC might go a ways toward improving your experience too, look for others that are more interested in friendly play rather than cutting edge players. Having a familiar face or someone to joke with can improve your dungeon forays, even if things go south.

Also I noticed the initial post mentioned Arcanist... I would make sure to use Summoner as DPS class, which is the evolution of Arcanist at level 30. Also you can get both Summoner and Scholar (healer) from Arcanist so if you haven't tried that you might like it better than WHM. Most of us have had toxic people mistreat us in dungeons so the way I see it, it's not about us being deserving of such, it's about them being rotten people and of it's any consolation they're probably just as miserable in real life as in the game. I'm leveling WHM at 48 currently, and one thing I discovered is the N Thanalan area is full of fate parties with no one but tanks/healers- what this tells me is there are a lot of people who have had bad experiences in dungeons > lvl 40 and who don't want to bother with them again. I know that doesn't help in terms of first time clear, but if you look at it this way, this just means you're in the same club as many of us and I certainly have no reason to feel bad about the presence of toxic people in the game.

By the way, rage quitting can be thearuputic... you can say something like "Good luck finding another healer who will put up with your BS sometimes soon." And then you can run side quests, level other classes in open world, whatever while they stand there waiting or while they sit through a new DPS queue."

I have another suggestion as well for overcoming 'healer anxiety' as I call it... I leveled DPS classes first, and had a SCH at 50 before healing a dungeon because I got that job free from leveling SMN and doing the SCH job quests. Someone in my FC had a healer ditch their group in Cutter's Cry and I was the only one with a healer available. I said I hadn't actually healed a dungeon, they said that's fine. I joined in progress, got a DIFFERENT group who's healer had bailed! I told them I hadn't healed a dungeon and was joining in progress to help a group that got bailed on, but I'd stay and help them. Here's what I learned... most groups that lose a healer and get a replacement, for whatever reason, are usually just thrilled to get a replacement healer in the first place. So the next few runs I picked dungeons below my level synch that I knew healers ditched a lot, did Join in Progress, and told the party I was new at healing and helping teams stranded without a healer while I learn. And guess what NO ONE had a problem with that. :D And even got a high commendation rate for doing that, though my feelings weren't hurt when I didn't get any because I also realized in some cases the other players had to struggle with just each other for awhile and would have commended each other for what they went through.

I can sympathize, OP. PLD and DRK are among my favorite character archetypes to play in RP settings, but I've never tanked before. I've seen the way tanks behave (or are expected to behave) and how groups treat them when things go wrong, and I go back and forth between wanting to learn tanking to play those two jobs and just being too nervous about screwing up to even want to bother. I have FC mates and a friend or two who've offered to help me learn, but that doesn't lessen the anxiety any. All I can say is keep trying and try not to let the toxic folks bring you down, although I know from experience that it isn't always that easy.

In duty finder you can meet all kind of people, from really helpful to bad, it seems that you were really unlucky.
You mentioned white mage and arcanist, so I assume you like healing, then you can get scholar from your arcanist as mp management is better (but I think the class is trickier). Then as others suggested, heal in the lower level dungeons so you can have a better idea about how it works. Or for your first time use summoner so you can watch how the healer play.

This is my first MMO too, I started as monk but then discovered that I wanted to heal too.
Sometimes my confidence can be really low, so I avoided new dungeons as monk because I tended to tunnel vision and didn't know what was happening around me. I used to queue as bard so I could learn all the mechanics and put that knowledge on monk and white mage (I am weird, I know that).

When I joined my FC I was really shy and didn't talk at all.. Now I think I talk too much lol.
You just need to find a good group of friends that will help you.

Keep at it. I think getting used to the feeling of rejection in a comforting house setting away from actual people will help you overcome your anxiety of being social. Then you can probably work towards being comfortable and social in RL.
That worry of being rejected is probably the hardest thing to work out. Shouldn't take too long and you will be completely desensitized to it.

If you were on my server I'd help you! I'm currently leveling healer too so I know how stressful DF can be at times. Definitely look for a small casual FC to do dungeons with because, even with a dps caster class leveled in this game and years of healing experience in previous mmo I can tell you that it makes things immensely easier even just to have one trusted friend in party with you.

Sorry you had a bad experience. It can be frustrating when a party struggles through these dungeons for everyone. Just brush it off and keep practicing.

I noticed some of your jewelry is not class appropriate for healer. Jewelry can be equipped by any class and is not restricted like armors or weapons. Find jewelry that has mind on it and equip that. You can find new jewelry on the market board or asking a crafter. If it is too expensive you can run haukke Manor for level 28 jewelry or Cutters cry for level 38 jewelry. You can also farm leves--they drop a coffer that has gear you may be able to use. This will make healing much easier.

I would suggest finding a social FC with zero tolerance for bullying. It's sad that you had your dungeon experience ruined by jerks. If you're worried about entering dungeons, you could try reading a walkthrough to learn some of the mechanics beforehand.

I guess you are on Lich(?), I'm on the phone and can't see it atm. If you ever need help with something, you can ask me if I'm free at the time. I'd be glad to help out if needed. :)

IGN; Shannon Dawn

If you are 25 or older and looking for a mature group of people that are willing to help new players check out http://www.theoldergamers.com

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Originally Posted by PetiteMalFleur

Sorry you had a bad experience. It can be frustrating when a party struggles through these dungeons for everyone. Just brush it off and keep practicing.

I noticed some of your jewelry is not class appropriate for healer. Jewelry can be equipped by any class and is not restricted like armors or weapons. Find jewelry that has mind on it and equip that. You can find new jewelry on the market board or asking a crafter. If it is too expensive you can run haukke Manor for level 28 jewelry or Cutters cry for level 38 jewelry. You can also farm leves--they drop a coffer that has gear you may be able to use. This will make healing much easier.

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I never even thought of that - thank you :)

Wow you guys are just awesome :)

So much great advice I can actually use! I've been practising healing in lower level dungeons, and researching game mechanics so this will all help big time :)

ShaneDawn, I'll definitely be in touch :)

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Originally Posted by matzoballed

Wow you guys are just awesome :)

So much great advice I can actually use! I've been practising healing in lower level dungeons, and researching game mechanics so this will all help big time :)

ShaneDawn, I'll definitely be in touch :)

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Healing can be stressful and predominantly a reactionary kinda job. Preparation, videos and everything can play a huge part in alleviating the anxiety of the unknown. Keep practicing and you will understand when certain mechanics happen and what to do. ppl can be assholes and you need a thick skin which is really hard but remember not to take anything personally and above all have fun!

Your most import stat is your weapon damage. This one will make the biggest difference in the strength of your cures, so always get the best weapon you have time for/can afford. Another good way to get gear is from your Grand Company. You can purchase gear using grand company seals. As a healer your "primary stat" is Mind. If it doesn't have Mind on it, it is not for you.

A way to help take some of the pressure off on whm is to use Regen on the tank early in the pull. You want to wait a second or three after the tank has claimed/turned all the mobs names red. If you use regen too soon you might pull hate. You don't want to use regen too late in a pull (i.e. when only one mob is up) as you want it to finish before the next pull. The reason for this is you as the caster you get a small amount of hate every time regen ticks which can cause a tug of war between you and the tank if it is on them before they have time to establish hate. Pairing Regen with Divine Seal is great also for a bit of extra breathing room.

Another helpful trick is to try to keep Stoneskin on the tank before a pull. The trick for this is to start casting stoneskin on the tank when the last mob from the previous pull is around 10%-20% health. This will also give you a bit of breathing room at the start of a pull. Try to keep stoneskin up on yourself and other party members at the start of fights whenever possible.

Your priority in healing for light parties should be Yourself>Tank>Everyone else. If you have to let a dps die in order to keep you or the tank alive, then they can just deal. That said don't worry about keeping everyone at 100% health all the time. If you or a DPS take only bit of damage then just use regen and let it do the work for you. Most of the time, you will be healing the tank.

If three or more party members have taken a troublesome amount of damage, use Medica. Medica produces a hate spike, however, so don't spam it (cast several times in a row) unless it is really necessary.

Shroud of Saints is awesome! If a mob trys to eat you, use it! (You can also just run the mob back towards the tank.) If you are your max mp -1000 and still have mobs to fight, use it!

Some useful cross class skills for whm are:
Eye for an Eye from Arcanist (this is great for the tank when they are tanking several mobs, I'll use it right after regen)
Virus also from Arcanist (good for bosses and big damage moves) and
Swiftcast from Thaumaturge (a must for Raise, but also useful for "oh shit" cures and medicas)
You don't need to have all of these now, but post Praetorium at level 50 groups will expect to you have Swiftcast.

Don't worry about damaging mobs or "stance dancing" (using Cleric's stance) right now. Wait until you are more confident with pure healing before tackling that.

One thing that helped me a lot was moving the party list closer to the center of the screen, to the side of the hotbars, so I could keep an eye on people's health bars and the field at the same time.

You might also want to check out the healer forums as there are lots of good threads for tips and tricks, as well as plently of healers to answer any specific questions you may have. New Player Help is also active and great for any general questions you many have about the game. To find a FC or LS that is suited to you, you might try posting on Lich's forums. Gamerescape is also a good for general info about the game as well as MMO terminology.

Good luck and keep at it! :)

Hi there! I'm a social anxiety sufferer myself and I know how you feel when it comes to situations like this, but what you should realise is that these bad experiences are few and far between. In 100 dungeons, you'll have way more positive, friendly groups, than mean, kick abusing groups.

What helped me is joining a friendly, social FC, who make it a priority to keep members happy, free from abuse, and most of all to have fun!

Shameless plug, but since you're on Lich, give Serenity a look.

http://forum.square-enix.com/ffxiv/forum.php#threads/159926

In all my years of playing many MMOs, I've never come across a more approachable, laid back group of people. I've only been a membe since February, and to my knowledge, we've only had one person be kicked out, and that was because they violated our no bullying/threatening policy.

There's no obligation to speak up and be sociable, just take your time, and there are always people around to help with anything you could need. Very newbie friendly. :)

Just applied :) Do I need a multipass? ;P

I'm sorry to hear about all of the troubles you've been having. I have social anxiety too, and when I started this game it was coupled with depression, yay? I started as a WHM too, but now I Scholar, and since this is my first MMO as well, I knew nothing. The people I met, when I first started, were just not nice, they expected me to know stuff that I didn't or wouldn't know, it was disheartening, but I stuck with it. Now I'm with my new FC, I even rose in the ranks to become second in command, yay, and I have friends who want to play with me, and even ask me if I would ever consider joining their FCs. It's good to feel wanted.

This game has helped me become both knowledgable and tolerant, not that I wasn't before. But I always try to help when I can, and share the knowledge I do have. I've had plenty of times where I'll enter a dungeon and someone will apologize for being new. The first thing I tell them is it's okay "everyone" has to have a first time. And unsurprisingly, there are no complaints, since I think it reminds the other players they were new too at some point.

While social anxiety can be crippling, it can also be a strength. Because its something you deal with throughout your life, and never really goes away, it can actually make you a better person. You're new now, but when you become an experienced player and you run into that new player who is unsure of themselves, you'll know exactly how to make them feel better. No one really knows what challenges the people across the screen face, but it's nice knowing that you could be the person to brighten their day just a bit.

So just remember to stick with it. Things might be a bit of a struggle now but with a little time, patience, and some helpful FC mates, you can become great. I mean, look how Leeloo started and she kicked ass, lol.

Another one with social anxiety here! Bit by bit I have worked on that with the help of MMOs, mostly FFXIV, and through where I work. It's slowly getting better and I can really see the progress that I have made in the past five years.

I haven't healed yet and want to do that later down the road (I think you are really brave to do that as your first role in an MMO. Kudos to that!), but playing as a DPS I can relax, help the mood of the party and learn everything bit by bit. I mostly use the duty finder and yes, there are quite a few bad eggs that will shout and be mean, but I can assure you that most people are wonderful. For every bad egg I find I have already met at least ten people that didn't treat me bad.

Of course the bad eggs will always be bad eggs, there is no getting around that, and on a bad day they still get to me. Hopefully we can drown out their negativity together. I also hope you can get over this bump so you can really enjoy the game. It is totally worth it. :)

To the OP: don't be discouraged. You're going to meet a lot of pleasant, mature and helpful people all over Eorzea.
The nastiness tends to be more obvious on Duty because it is a smaller, more contained environment. Do your best to power through, courtesy and honesty will get you places.

Be willing to give "difficult" people a chance, within the bounds of reason. Sometimes, it is just a particularly bad day. However, don't be afraid to stand your ground against those who're actively out to hurt others (and do always, always report instances of harassment).

Best of luck!

That's awful, and I know how you feel. When I first started, I would get so nervous or anxious when I messed up and people said mean things. The thing you have to keep in mind is that this is a game, and you pay to play it because you really enjoy it. Who cares what these people say? Also, for every jerk there are a TON of nice people I have met and enjoy playing with and some I even talk to outside the game. Find an FC that works for you, too, because FC teammates tend to run stuff together.

Thanks so much guys - I've had a chance to just chill and I've now joined Serenity on Lich :) They really are lovely and are letting me settle in so I can build up my confidence to start hitting those dungeons again :)