The Many Deaths of Final Fantasy XIV

This thread wins so many cakes! I love whining about pointless things on the forums though. So many people take things literally it's like a goldmine!

Haha great thread! I'm new to FFXIV and MMOs. Nice to learn about its history.

Wow someone is a little bitter perhaps.

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Originally Posted by Peachy

Wow someone is a little bitter perhaps.

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Bitter? Not at all. Especially when you read the thread tags. Or take note that all of them end in some form of "the servers were shut down." Or read the end of the main post.

Every time someone takes this thread seriously, a lalafell dies. Please, think of the lalas.

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More people need to take this thread seriously.

Yes, I've fallen behind on some issues but I have notes for them. Give me a bit, people!

I bet a lot of you people take The Onion seriously as well, and post on FB how offended you are.

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Originally Posted by Acyd

I bet a lot of you people take The Onion seriously as well, and post on FB how offended you are.

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That..that is the most glorious statement I can think of to describe how this thread rolls sometimes. Thank you, totally liked.

Haha... I think the headers for 35 and 36 may have betrayed your age a bit. I admit to laughing out loud when I read them. Well played.

I have three new ones for your pleasure today, but I make a small request. Please tell me if I've done something wrong with #39. I know how hard of a border that it, but I kind of tried to riff on everyone. I'll remove it if need be.

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37. Hunts, 2.5 Edition: Hunts were all the rage during 2.3. "We can gear up quickly to get into newer content!" exclaimed the peasantry, and the nobles glowered intensely at the system for making it "too easy to gear up" as they whined because didn't pull at a non-arbitrary time, and the PS3 players continued to silently cry as people kept insisting they do hunts. During the era of 2.4, the playerbase slowly moved away from hunts, as the best gear wasn't available through it anymore. With the release of 2.5, and the addition of upgrade items for ironworks gear to the purchase list and more allied seals rewarded, the people who all but abandoned the system came back, but they were unhappy. "Increase the HP of the hunts!" bellowed the citizens as they tried to get there, followed by "ban the people who pull hunts too early!" from the Dreadwyrm geared players. "I shouldn't have spent all those allied seals in 2.4..." sniffled the PS3 players. Many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

38. Eyebrows, now!: With Highlander Hyurs being very nice looking, and debatably the best looking of the strong looking characters, some players found one thing wrong with that perfectly chiseled body. "We want eyebrows!" bellowed those sexy beasts. SE addressed this at Fanfest by stating that they shave them off as a fighting group, but players were having none of this. "Our lack of eyebrows makes our oiled bodies look naked!" Many sexy beasts quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

39. Not Having a Gay Old Time: After many years of believing only a man and a woman could be a couple, SE realized that sometimes, boys like boys, and girls like girls, and it shouldn't be considered forbidden love, and have even embraced the idea, allowing same-sex couples to be Eternally Bonded, and even adding NPCs that were just right out with their feelings for a same sex person. But this didn't matter when a particular love-based holiday came about. As House Valentione worked to spread the love across Eorzea, adventurers were outraged that they seemed to only show straight partners in the questline. "Change these quests right now and quit shoving your straightness in our faces!" cried some people that have no idea that they just said something that straight people would say in reverse to them. "It's just a minor quest that won't be around more than a couple weeks, why bother with the rewriting for that short time?" questioned others, with many same-sex couples even being against the guy who was offended at the lack of homosexuality in that single minor questline. Many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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Originally Posted by Mercutial

Haha... I think the headers for 35 and 36 may have betrayed your age a bit. I admit to laughing out loud when I read them. Well played.

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I have actually never watched Rocky Horror Picture Show, that's littlerally the only song I know in that song. XD I'm 31 if that means much.

One of the things added to this list (the Valentione's controversy) was something I got to be involved in. I feel honored. :3

Your whole list is hilarious, seriously. I was silently cackling to myself at work.

As far as 37 goes, I am disappointed with hunts, but not because it's "Too Easy" for people to gear up. Rather instead, I keep hoping and hoping that SE will finally get around to changing Hunts to be more like they were in FFXII, and less like timerless, level synchless NM FATEs. Oh well, maybe they'll do that with 3.0 and just haven't announced that yet...

Anyway, this thread is hilarious, and I am DEFINITELY looking forward to more of it. Keep up the good work. :3

I still think hunts would be better if you only got the reward if you had a bill for it.

40. People posted opinions on the forums that posting opinions and concerns on the forums was bad and only nitpicky selfish shorts did so despite the obvious irony of doing so themselves. "My side is the only side and if I say you all mentioning these things is worthless and should be made fun of they should!" screamed the voice atop the soapbox. Others rallied to the cry never realizing the hypocritical nature of the very statement thus causing the vast majority to no longer visit the forums which were quickly deemed no longer profitable and were shut down.

I honestly stopped reading after the 5th or so bullet point.. It read too much as opinions and claiming "all" or "everyone" felt these reasons were "killing" the game.. This is all subjective. Everyone has opinions, but I would support it with facts. I agree with other comments in this thread. Nothing here seems like it is "killing" the game just because your opinions says it is.

/lostcredibility

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Originally Posted by Violyre

38. Eyebrows, now!: With Highlander Hyurs being very nice looking, and debatably the best looking of the strong looking characters, some players found one thing wrong with that perfectly chiseled body. "We want eyebrows!" bellowed those sexy beasts. SE addressed this at Fanfest by stating that they shave them off as a fighting group, but players were having none of this. "Our lack of eyebrows makes our oiled bodies look naked!" Many sexy beasts quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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So true. RIP FFXIV

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Originally Posted by Bunsen

I honestly stopped reading after the 5th or so bullet point.. It read too much as opinions and claiming "all" or "everyone" felt these reasons were "killing" the game.. This is all subjective. Everyone has opinions, but I would support it with facts. I agree with other comments in this thread. Nothing here seems like it is "killing" the game just because your opinions says it is.

/lostcredibility

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Hint: It's sarcasm.

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Originally Posted by Bunsen

I honestly stopped reading after the 5th or so bullet point.. It read too much as opinions and claiming "all" or "everyone" felt these reasons were "killing" the game.. This is all subjective. Everyone has opinions, but I would support it with facts. I agree with other comments in this thread. Nothing here seems like it is "killing" the game just because your opinions says it is.

/lostcredibility

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Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Ummmmmmmmm..... wow?

That's another dead lalafell.

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

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Originally Posted by Bunsen

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

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http://www.reformingmonk.net/wp-cont...redemption.jpg

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Originally Posted by Bunsen

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

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I think you're the first person to ever actually apologize! Thank you! :D

*chuckles* I love a good satire :D but I'm quite suprised no one is crying about carboncoat/twine from hunts and carboncoat as a weekly.

Having just recently seen a certain thread reappear, with people clapping for the return of a certain asset from 1.0, I've just added several puns and lyrics in the form of the lost clan of bootylicious Miqo'te:

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40. Sir Mix-a-Lot is Disappointed: During the era of Legacy, players were astounded that they had many, many options for character making. While some were removed during the transition to 2.0, there was one particular thing removed that Miqo'te everywhere were outraged out. "Give us back our butt slider!" they demanded. Some of the male playerbase also joined this bandwagon, stating that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, and a round thing in your face, we get sprung." Other players didn't care, as they realized Miqo'te were the most beautiful race in the game and should be worshipped despite their assets. SE proceeded to state that addition of a butt slider would require too many twerks and they had bigger things to work on, but the catgirls continued to request it. Many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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it was a long read, but was a good read, keep up the good job >=D!

Let's take a look at a topic that's becoming a daily occurrence, the near-permanent closure of Balmung to new characters!

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41. I Just Need One More Hit, Balmang!: One day, SE realized that at different points in the day, people would be logging in at an alarming rate. In order to ease the burden to the login servers, every server does a check at specific hours to see what is being hammered the most, and closes them to new characters for a bit of time. While there are other servers that are frequently closed, one started to become very prominent in their requests. "Please open Balmung! I need more characters!" cried the RPers, despite somehow making 20 characters there already. People from other servers just shook their heads, wondering exactly why Balmung was so popular to be the only server anyone complained about. "It's the main RP server!" they stated, some of them having come from a previous "RP server." The truth eventually became unveiled as people reported "cybersex." Then everyone wanted to get a piece of that Balmung. Many players switched servers at this point, causing SE to take every server except Balmung offline so that they could make all of the servers be Balmung.

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Note: I actually am an RPer and know the strains of not getting to use every character idea. This is purely satire!

In this update, I prove I have WAY too much time and imagination on my hands, with the addition of the Casual vs. Hardcore Wars, and renamed "Addendums" to "How It Would Happen," and relocated it to be beneath the section that I tell people to chill out. The section still takes the the player complaints and takes them to the ludicrous level we all know and love SE for. To celebrate, have two new additions to reflect what would happen if SE decided to officially take the Casual or Hardcore side to their (il)logical extremes.

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Many Deaths of FFXIV:
42. The game is too hard! Quit making it easy!: One day, someone was looking at the Coil of Bahamut and sighing that they would never get to experience it because every DF party has at least three people who can't avoid divebombs. This fellow decided that Youtube was not the answer to seeing the storyline that's built into the game. They suggested that a story mode version of the raid be created, with an easier time clearing and no loot to make it fair, but the overgeared elitists bellowed out their warcrys. "We have earned our right to skip the stupid cutscenes that happen! If you want to actually see them, lrn2play or go to Youtube! It would be better if there was no story in OUR raids!" The arguments against both sides of the discussion were fierce, with the casual scene wondering why the hardcore team even played a Final Fantasy game, and the rebuttals of "go play Candy Crush n00bs, MMOs are for serious gamers." Catering to either side of the discussion was impossible for SE, and many players quit the game at this point, causing them to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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How It Would Happen

2. Making the Game Harder: SE eventually determined that the hardcore players were correct in their statements, and made A Realm Reborn: Prepare to Freddie, a complete revamp to the A Realm Reborn system and the gaming as a whole. After months of research and labor into what players thought was a challenge, all character levels were reset, and players were tasked with getting through the game once more. In ARR: PtDE, players leveled up in much the same way, but there was no enemy that did not aggro. If your character dies at any point, it will be permanently deleted from the system using FBI-level data scrubbing technology. There are also monsters that will surprise you with a jump scare if you are not keeping a careful eye on their positions, and you will instantly die. Chocobos from the porter were also susceptible to aggro. If you are struck while mounted, you will instantly dismount, and stare at the mount's corpse as it is scrubbed from your file. If you were using a chocobo porter's mount, you must pay 100,000 gil to pay for them to train a new bird, which will take several days, as well as having your mount privileges revoked until they are finished raising the new chocobo. As players finally reached the endgame, strategies were scarce as wipes deleted all players of your party or alliance. Auto-attack was removed from the game once more. As players struggled to get through this new difficulty, endgame eventually became worthless due to the amount of time it would take to invest in your character to reach maximum level and become adequately equipped. All but 1% of the players (with generous rounding up) quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline, because each data center maybe had five characters in total.

3. Making the Game Easier: SE eventually determined, based on feedback, that the game was too hard for the casual players. It was decided to once again rebuild the game from the ground up, and with careful research dedicated to what a casual player truly desires, released A Realm Call of Scrolls: Farmville Crush. The game was now Free-to-Play. Players were delighted to once again have many character customizations added back in, including the ever-popular butt slider, along with many new features, including a full pallete of 64-bit colors for every feature. Upon entering the game, you are placed in a permanent first-person view, and your weapon is shown on screen as if you're holding it. The moment that you attack the non-aggroing monsters of the game, you are brought to a screen where you are presented with a puzzle grid, which you must successfully win within a set amount of turns. You must match three symbols together. If you are unable to clear it within the set amount of time, you will be given the option to return to your home point, or purchase one additional attack for $0.99, five additional attacks for $3.99, 50 additional attacks for $149.50. Additionally, special events will come, allowing you to purchase an item to permanently double the total amount of attacks for $299.99. You must tend to your chocobo every twelve hours, else it will become sick and unable to aid you. More special events will come that will allow you to purchase a permanent chocobo health kit that keeps your chocobo in perfect health for $99.99. There are no experience points, so you can access every dungeon and raid as soon as you are able to access them. You can purchase access early for $0.99-$29.99. To win against these fierce foes, you must gather a team of adventurers to journey into the dungeon, with 4-man dungeons requiring 3/4 players, 5/8 players, or 18/24 players to successfully complete their puzzle. Upon winning, everyone receives a piece of armor suited to their class from a list presented. Stats will determine how much damage each type of puzzle tile is worth. When the game was released, many people who screamed at the idea of a "cash shop" in ARR would soon be joined by the people who hate pay-to-win games. Many players quit the game at this point, with SE confused on how the majority of ARR players were casual but didn't like this version, causing them to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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I really think this topic is deserving a comeback...

You should add something about the job changes shown in the preview at the latest letter of the devs :v
There is a lot of stir from that XD

Considering all the "RIP <insert job here>" threads, I'm pretty sure this thread has regained relevance.

I saw a post on the fire spell...In my opinion, Fire II does not work like Fira I find that Fire II gives less dmg than Fire, therefore I don't think these fire/ice spells should follow the traditional naming scheme that we see normally in the series (Fire, Fira, Firaga, [and in some games, equipment name.] Firagun). (Starting from Fire II and Bliz II those spells become AoE)

Not weighing in on Fire/Blizz III cause I don't have it yet.

I'll read this on my dayoff from work.

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Originally Posted by Twilite

I'll read this on my dayoff from work.

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Why wait? This thread is great to procrastinate!

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Originally Posted by AlexionSkylark

I really think this topic is deserving a comeback...

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Ask and ye will receive...at my earliest convenience.

I've been kind of off the forums for a bit, between working on three Let's Play series at a time and fitting in what free time I can. I'll try to catch up on some of the things, but let me get down one that I know was a thing.

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43: The Fall of the Ishgard Wall: With the Heavensward expansion, it was decided that only players that had finished all main storyline through the 2.55 patch could access the new lands. This was decided due to two variables, that it makes sense story-wise, and that it keeps gilsellers out of the new areas so they can't ruin the prices of new gathering items. But the people who only wanted endgame didn't want this. "I hate having to wait on my friends to level up so we can do Alexander right away!" bellowed the endgamers, not realizing that their friend still needs to hit level 60 first, and that with the change of exp given by adding exp to level 50 MSQ was more than likely a boon so that the later player might actually get a bit ahead towards 51 and beyond. Due to SE's decision to keep the gate, no one bought Heavensward, and many servers were shut down to absorb the loss. Many players quit when they were 5000 in the server queue, causing SE to take the remaining servers offline as it was no longer profitable.

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Any new deaths since Heavensward?

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Originally Posted by DarkChild

Any new deaths since Heavensward?

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Red Scrips?

It's been awhile on updates, yeah? I wasn't feeling clever for awhile. On that note, I've added two new ones to this post!

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44. Boost to the Max!: One day, people were curious as to why their Cheerios sat with a yellow liquid in the same bowl. His Excellency Lord King God Emperor Yoshi-P, Esquire made an off-handed comment about considering a level jump potion! Players grabbed a bottle of ragehol to state their beliefs. "People should play this game uphill in the snow both ways!" declared the people who joined in 2.0. The 1.0 players facepalmed. "Look! It's already in the Chinese Cash Shop, they're obviously our guinea pigs" cried out the people who forget that there are government-mandated fatigue systems in place among other limitations. With no actual verification of them being added, many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

45. Region Exclusive Items: China is a bit strict in their internet usage, even with games. You can't do certain things there that are normal for us. Because of this, some new things were added to their version to make up for what they lost. Eventually someone found out that they had stuff we didn't, and rallied a mob. "Give us the pretty stuff!" they cried. "We need the far eastern matriarch set!" said the female characters who felt they needed to look pregnant. Despite the fact that many people want all of the Chinese cash shop available and demand it never to be fully realized over here both, many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

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I got more on the way, so stay tuned!

i think the game died for one simple reason, segregation.
this game can be played as a whole by just standing into one spot and using DF.
The whole model of weekly lockout, instances, segregation during raids because you cant even whisper to a friend, the whole closed mindset this gaming bring is astonishing.

Content is really weak. one step in righ direction is palace of the dead.

personally i'd add 1000 floors. to last it long enough for developers to push out content. and remove the weekly lockout from everything. This is so stupid i have no clue why games nowadays still adopt this system. You think that people wont quit because they have to come back the week after? guess what, people did, because its boring to not be able to gear up all your classes, people want to play at their pace, not at a forced pace.

Make palace of the dead harder, add more floors, make people busy clearing that content, add new gear sets even better than savage if you hit floors, make relic armor drop from potd, make them upgradable within the instance, you will see people will play that more, you have to give players something to do, not the opposite, like oh hey, weekly reset, log in one day, clear all the crap, log off, see you next wednesday.

This is why this game died.

So...what's the magic butt to kiss to be able to post this much worthless text, when normal people can't post an entire page? Is this some childish incentive program - more Itopsych.

"Why aren't you with your group?"

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Originally Posted by DarkB

i think the game died for one simple reason, segregation.
this game can be played as a whole by just standing into one spot and using DF.
The whole model of weekly lockout, instances, segregation during raids because you cant even whisper to a friend, the whole closed mindset this gaming bring is astonishing.

Content is really weak. one step in righ direction is palace of the dead.

personally i'd add 1000 floors. to last it long enough for developers to push out content. and remove the weekly lockout from everything. This is so stupid i have no clue why games nowadays still adopt this system. You think that people wont quit because they have to come back the week after? guess what, people did, because its boring to not be able to gear up all your classes, people want to play at their pace, not at a forced pace.

Make palace of the dead harder, add more floors, make people busy clearing that content, add new gear sets even better than savage if you hit floors, make relic armor drop from potd, make them upgradable within the instance, you will see people will play that more, you have to give players something to do, not the opposite, like oh hey, weekly reset, log in one day, clear all the crap, log off, see you next wednesday.

This is why this game died.

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Someone only read the title and not the post~

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Originally Posted by Vamelo

So...what's the magic butt to kiss to be able to post this much worthless text, when normal people can't post an entire page? Is this some childish incentive program - more Itopsych.

"Why aren't you with your group?"

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When you post, click the edit post button at the bottom, and it ignores the character count. You also should try reading some more of it before putting it down.

Got a laugh out of this. Funny stuff.