The reason your wait is so long is because 80% of players are DPS. There's simply far too many DPS for every 2 to have a healer and tank. That's why the queue is long... nothing to do with instance servers (unless they happen to be lagging or broken).

There are a lot of jerks that play MMOs. A LOT of elitist jerks too. I never give up an instance unless we run out of time (I'm a tank on my main character). If you want less chance of jerks (still not guaranteed), then you need to make your parties manually through the party search and shouting.