Server explosion destroys all computers used by SE to update frustrated customers

[Pretzelcoatl]

Just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, they were about to send out another tweet saying that they are aware of the issues and explaining why there is not even a queue to wait in, the one hundred billionth person tries to log in, crossing over the hard-coded 9-digit number used to calculate how many people there are, and a firey explosion leapt out from the servers, across the internet into every laptop, cellphone, mimeograph machine and telephone that Square-Enix was trying to use to send any sort of update to their beloved customers who just paid them millions of dollars in the past week.

They have been frantically running around to their neighbors houses trying to use their computers or cellphones to send a tweet, but none of them can remember their passwords, as they were stored in the browsers cookies which were tragically destroyed in the server explosion.

The one solace that NA/EU users can take is that the Japan servers briefly experienced a slight lag disturbance while the office was on fire.

[Pretzelcoatl]

This just in: They have found the one working computer that everyone has been trying to log into. It was found under a pile of smoldering debris, leaking computer fluid, bloated and throbbing due to being so very full. They plan to perform a risky and invasive procedure on the device, while trying to keep the lucky few people online undisturbed, blithely playing a great video game without a care in the world. It is critical that their computer surgeons are able to retrieve the precious browser cookies, containing the usernames and passwords to twitter and the forum which all SE employees have forgotten, leaving their customers without any updates for the past 20 hours. We will return to this breaking story when something else breaks.

[Arakasi]

Ermmm okay. Go to back to bed.

[SethLex]

I'm hooked, keep'em coming!

LE: Don't listen to them, they have no sense of humour at all. It's high time someone threw some irony and sarcasm at this whole thing.

[FullHornet]

This community acts like a bunch of self entitled 2 year olds sometimes. It is getting to the point where it is just comical.

[Pretzelcoatl]

Update: The cookies have been found! The President of Japan has ordered the construction of twelve cyborg soldiers to enter the Tron-like world where the SE employee usernames and passwords to Twitter and the forums are stored. There, they will ride laser motorcycles to outsmart the many viruses and malware contained in all cookies in order to retrieve the usernames and passwords which are needed to tell their customers any sort of update on why there is no queue to wait in. When asked why they don't just make a new forum account for themselves, they said they really wanted all of their preferences and settings from their first account so they couldn't

[Pretzelcoatl]

THEY HAVE DONE IT. AFTER DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH AND ALL OF HER CHILDREN, THE FOUR REMAINING CYBERSOLDIERS HAVE OPENED A RIFT BACK IN TIME TO THE CRITICAL MOMENT WHEN THEY NEEDED TO INSTALL SEVERAL DOZEN DOLLARS WORTH OF EXTRA RAM INTO THE CACTUAR SERVER, SAVING HUMANITY YET AGAIN.

[Sekhmet]

Thanks for the laugh .... but you never know it may not be far from the truth - either that or they failed to feed & water the mice and they quit running