It's 6:00, and time for the news.

[SecretFinalBoss]

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an official production of Square Enix.

If you were near the return crystal in Ul'dah this evening, you may have heard from Julius Whippersnapper, an entrepreneurial lalafell Culinarian moonlighting as a news anchor, performing his inaugural broadcast. In the name of the public interest, I provide the transcript of tonight's broadcast below:

"Live whenever and wherever news happens, this is SNN (Square News Network).

In today's Top Stories from around the cosmos:

At approximately 8:30 p.m. yesterday, Vana'diel inexplicably exploded. Rumors quickly spread that Zeromus was responsible, prompting an Eidolon spokesman to issue a statement denying such action. Allegedly, the real cause may have stemmed from a rogue moogle misplacing a chunk of Dark Matter within the encroaching Nothing, mathematically bringing about a paradox of physics that Vana'diel could not countenance.

In financial news, the Gross Crystal Index (.GCX) rallied late day to close at 18,097.52 with a near 200-point gain after plummeting over 500 points midday. Today's late rally may have been caused when a certain Mr. Zell Dincht accidentally broke 1,500 fire crystals, causing the resurrection of Phoenix. Ancient Ivalice gil traded higher, holding off possible inflation from the introduction of Modern Ivalice gil and the new Crysta currency flooding universal markets.

In sports, as part of our ongoing Olympic coverage, the gold medal round of the Women's Summoning competition had to be postponed indefinitely when the lone viera contestant summoned Zodiark incorrectly, causing him to accidentally give birth to himself, bringing about the end of days. According to several spectators, Altima was not amused.

In entertainment news, minstrel band 'Hurdy & the Balloonfish' opened their worldwide tour of Eorzea, building on their successful tour of Ivalice. When asked to comment on their success, band leader Hurdy said, "Kupo-popo-po, get ready for one kupo-po of a mosh pit! Kupo.

Good night, and stay classy, Eorzea."


Thanks go to Levin Den, Meo Cailin, and others for apparently enjoying this. I originally did this in Limsa Lominsa a couple of weeks ago, to an audience of crickets. I can't make any promises, but I'll try to write more of these, and put them here on the forum after each live broadcast. There is no set time for this.

[SolBossanova]

LOL I enjoyed this, especially the "Mr. Zell Dincht accidentally broke 1,500 fire crystals" part xD

[Roukiz]

This is lovely!

[HiirNoivl]

It says Stay classy Eorzea but all the jokes are about XI? o.O

I didn't get any of them. I didn't play XI.

[Orophin]

It says Stay classy Eorzea but all the jokes are about XI? o.O

I didn't get any of them. I didn't play XI.

Actually it's all over the place. There's references to a lot of FF titles.

[SecretFinalBoss]

I actually wrote this just when I began playing XIV, but it's "stay classy, Eorzea" because it's a broadcast for Eorzean consumption. In case you're wondering, the other FF titles referenced are, in no particular order, XI, IV, VIII, XII, Tactics, and Tactics Advance 2.

[HiirNoivl]

Ok I never played all but XII and VIII and I missed both references. x.X I fail.

[Kiote]

Pretty good man. Looking forward to the Next Addition. ^.^

[Atoli]

You already know I enjoyed this but I just got to praise you again, after being able to read everything once more here I got more of the references than before :3