Friend endlessly stalked and harassed by another player on many characters

[Rinoa_353]

I don't understand why so many people don't respond well to this type of thing. I enjoy having stalkers because it's nice to have all the extra attention. Knowing that they can't get their mind off of you is the best part. It gives me a very nice feeling of power and control over them.

I dunno about that when my stalkers are creeps who can't handle talking to girls and think my politeness and kindness is flirting and an open invitation for relationships. They resort to stalking me when I kindly reject their advancements and such and some have gone to extremes of having multiple accounts. At least blacklisting one character blocks their entire account now when I was harassed by their alts on their same account prior to DT.

[JimCasey_RF6]

I dunno about that when my stalkers are creeps who can't handle talking to girls and think my politeness and kindness is flirting and an open invitation for relationships. They resort to stalking me when I kindly reject their advancements and such and some have gone to extremes of having multiple accounts. At least blacklisting one character blocks their entire account now when I was harassed by their alts on their same account prior to DT.

Have you tried being direct and just telling them that you don't want anything to do with them? Some people may take a kind rejection as playing hard to get. It's important to be clear where your boundaries are even if it means having to be a bit rude.

[Picothea]

I don't understand why so many people don't respond well to this type of thing. I enjoy having stalkers because it's nice to have all the extra attention. Knowing that they can't get their mind off of you is the best part. It gives me a very nice feeling of power and control over them.

Okay. My vote for the weirdest comment in this thread so far.
To explain this as seriously as I can, while you personally have the mindset of "power and control" in this scenario, it's important to understand that most other people are not looking for either of these feelings when it comes to interacting with strangers. If anything, being stalked can actually feel like a *loss* of control in most people's perception when you have not been able to stop the stalker.
But aside from that, being orbited by a person who hates you is simply unpleasant for the average person. It's a constant jab of negativity that weighs on the person in question. I hope I am getting the point across that it isn't worth it for most people, regardless of what sense of power or control they might ponder from it.

So when people "don't respond well to this type of thing", that is their right, and I think it's a very understandable reaction. They should certainly be worthy of receiving help from support staff, too - hopefully we at least agree on that much.

Have you tried being direct and just telling them that you don't want anything to do with them? Some people may take a kind rejection as playing hard to get. It's important to be clear where your boundaries are even if it means having to be a bit rude.

I'd also like to respond to this comment and say that the fault absolutely lies with the stalker here. Even if they believe someone is "playing hard to get", there's nothing that justifies stalking a person, stranger or no. I'd never call the target of stalking "rude" for being direct in their rejection (which many have already done at that point in the interaction), it's really the stalkers who should know better.

[Rueby]

Have you tried being direct and just telling them that you don't want anything to do with them? Some people may take a kind rejection as playing hard to get. It's important to be clear where your boundaries are even if it means having to be a bit rude.

You assume these people are mentally well enough to ACCEPT that you have boundaries and RESPECT them. No one who accepts/respects anyone's boundaries would resort to stalking.

I got stalked by a guy who couldn't comprehend the fact that I have no interest in relationships or being romanticly involved with ANYONE. Confronting him and setting my boundaries aggrevated him and if anything it made it all worse, he left me no option but to block him after which he made dozens of accounts to try and talk to me, first pretending to be someone else. (because anything other than me being his gf was unacceptable and he was already acting as if I'm his gf and he'd get angry if I didn't respond) Then he went after my friends, so it wasn't just me being stalked, but also my friends and unfortunately we had mutuals. I had to leave the game I played together with my friends because he'd spam my ingame mail and would make chars to follow me around and try to get my attention.

He started resorting to telling my friends he's going to game end himself if I didn't respond and that I ruined his life (?) because I was the love of his life...(and I only knew him for a month..) and he kept at it for 4 years with varying levels of 'intensity'. Nonetheless, the experience wasn't nice, I felt immense guilt and kept trying to think if I could've done something better, if perhaps I deserved this but the reality is: No one deserves this. Being nice/friendly to someone isn't the open door to being stalked. Having boundaries or even preferences isn't the greenlight to being stalked.

Reality is, there's alot of desperate/lonely people who are on the unhinged spectrum and don't take a no for an answer. Polite, rude, doesn't matter. Someone well adjusted will be able to handle rejection and it is what it is, perhaps there's better luck out there.

That aside, I've always wondered if somehow there's something I can improve on myself to lessen the risk of it, and it makes sense that the insecure/desperate/lonely types are attracted to nice/kind people rather than someone who is unfriendly/aggressive. I wish I could be like that, but I don't want to be someone I'm not just because someone else is having problems. I try my best to provide closure to people and communicate clearly if there's something that makes me uncomfortable.

[JimCasey_RF6]

You assume these people are mentally well enough to ACCEPT that you have boundaries and RESPECT them. No one who accepts/respects anyone's boundaries would resort to stalking.

I got stalked by a guy who couldn't comprehend the fact that I have no interest in relationships or being romanticly involved with ANYONE. Confronting him and setting my boundaries aggrevated him and if anything it made it all worse, he left me no option but to block him after which he made dozens of accounts to try and talk to me, first pretending to be someone else. (because anything other than me being his gf was unacceptable and he was already acting as if I'm his gf and he'd get angry if I didn't respond) Then he went after my friends, so it wasn't just me being stalked, but also my friends and unfortunately we had mutuals. I had to leave the game I played together with my friends because he'd spam my ingame mail and would make chars to follow me around and try to get my attention.

He started resorting to telling my friends he's going to game end himself if I didn't respond and that I ruined his life (?) because I was the love of his life...(and I only knew him for a month..) and he kept at it for 4 years with varying levels of 'intensity'. Nonetheless, the experience wasn't nice, I felt immense guilt and kept trying to think if I could've done something better, if perhaps I deserved this but the reality is: No one deserves this. Being nice/friendly to someone isn't the open door to being stalked. Having boundaries or even preferences isn't the greenlight to being stalked.

Reality is, there's alot of desperate/lonely people who are on the unhinged spectrum and don't take a no for an answer. Polite, rude, doesn't matter. Someone well adjusted will be able to handle rejection and it is what it is, perhaps there's better luck out there.

That aside, I've always wondered if somehow there's something I can improve on myself to lessen the risk of it, and it makes sense that the insecure/desperate/lonely types are attracted to nice/kind people rather than someone who is unfriendly/aggressive. I wish I could be like that, but I don't want to be someone I'm not just because someone else is having problems. I try my best to provide closure to people and communicate clearly if there's something that makes me uncomfortable.

Wow, that guy sounds like a total nut job.

[Kohashi]

That aside, I've always wondered if somehow there's something I can improve on myself to lessen the risk of it.

Be very careful what kind of information you exchange and how much of it. Somehow it became very normalized to have 0 privacy and people have their entire lives visible at all times on media platforms or shout calling it.

Be nice and kind but also keep a safe distance, especially in the early phases.

[Vrankyl]

Wow, that guy sounds like a total nut job.

Welcome to the world of what most stalkers are actually like, especially those who fixate on someone are pursuing a relationship with. Many women online have had to deal with this, hell my wife had to deal with this. Most stalkers are not in the right mind, and the more persistent ones become increasingly dangerous. Thankfully the recent changes SE has made to player privacy help greatly, but it still isn't always enough and it is still really really weird that even if you blacklist someone you remain on their friends list.

[Lunaxia]

That aside, I've always wondered if somehow there's something I can improve on myself to lessen the risk of it, and it makes sense that the insecure/desperate/lonely types are attracted to nice/kind people rather than someone who is unfriendly/aggressive.

Honestly, after years of playing, leading an FC of mainly guys and swerving the advances of numerous male "friends", the only reliable measure I've found is being a hard ass about it. My friends have joked about how icy I can be, but the metaphor about inches and miles has never been more apt than here.

Some general advice: setting a boundary is important, but it isn't enough on its own. Guys like that take "not interested" as not interested right now, and so long as you're nice to them, they delude themselves into thinking there's maybe still hope one day, no matter how emphatic you are. Don't joke, if they hint about it or make comments, shut it down and repeat you have no interest whatsoever. If needs be, distance yourself for a while. It might feel mean, but it's the only they'll get the memo that it's a no-go area with you. Reassert that you're not looking for anything whenever the topic comes up in conversation, and if they tease you about it (which they will, because they want to test your limits) emphasise "no way." If you're too mindful of their feelings and tread around it, they'll think it's a soft refusal and try again.

The same goes for the charmers who threaten suicide. That's not your problem. It's a form of emotional abuse, they're trying to manipulate you and anyone in genuine distress would not make torturing you about it their priority. Back away and block them the minute they try to go there, and if you're that concerned about what they might do, tell their friends, report it to a GM, and move on. Don't give it any air. You're not responsible for their inability to deal with their emotions.

Don't worry about closure and communication if they're not respecting you, your boundaries or your own mental health. If they're making you uncomfortable or ignoring the rules you've laid out, at that point they've shown they don't care about you and you don't owe them anything. Don't let their perceived vulnerability blind you to how their actions are affecting you, and don't be afraid to ghost if needs be; with people like that, sometimes the hard line is the only option. You seem like a kind and thoughtful person, and unfortunately that's something of a siren call to players who would rather use this game as a crutch than deal with their own personal problems.

Oh, and my biggest tip: avoid playing therapist. Wanting to help someone and hear them out is natural, but it rarely goes well. Keep that kind of thing to group conversations.

[Akamadoshi]

　
What can they do aside from quitting the game? And why does blacklisting not hide a player's entire account?

Huh? this isn't possible. The new blacklist function = once blacklisted the entire account is blacklisted (including alt characters AND lodestone page) you can't get repeatedly harassed unless it is MULTIPLE service accounts, and trial accounts for this reason and RMT can't whisper so I am not sure if your friend is maybe too paranoid about every new character clicking at them? The stalker may be able to see the lodestone etc but there is nothing they can possibly do in game to stalk (Maybe this is a point of highlight for additional feature in the blacklist unless it's there already) Sorry if I misinterpret something.

I report harassment for less reasons, don't post on forum but in-game harassment. Trust me I had a stalker and changed regions before too. GM kept me in chat to calm me down while they handled the situation. The thing is, YOU cannot report for your friend, your friend has to do it (If I recall the TOS but correct me if I am wrong again!)