[ Spoilers ] Why Endwalker & 6.4 is so important to me.

[Cedane]

It's the early 90s.

Its labor day weekend on a cool night. I'm waiting to go see the fireworks at the labor day fair grounds but it was too early to leave yet. I curled up on the couch, watching my Mom with SNES controller in hand and playing Final Fantasy II(IV). She managed to reach the end of the game, having gone through many obstacles and acting out all the scenes just for me.

I listened to the theme of Final Fantasy IV plays out of the TV. I stare in wonder as every hero gets back up with encouragement against this angry blue ball that was in the way of the happily ever after. The crystal of light is used by Cecil against the creature and it changes into Zeromus.

I don't know why I remember it so vividly, years from now. The protruding ribs, the boney fingers, the putrid muscle and the first four notes of the final boss music. My stomach sank and pure fear overcame me. To say I was scared was an understatement. It became my boogeyman as this... thing, this horrible creature wiped the entire team and Mom decided it was time to take a break and go see the labor day fireworks.

It stuck with me for days.

I was so scared of that thing, I ran into my bedroom even as the notes of the music could be heard through the door. I'd go to bed, dreaming of myself in a deep black void and that thing came out of the dark. I was so scared and those boney fingers grabbed me, pulled me into the dark with it. I had a hard enough time sleeping alone in my bedroom as it is and this was not helping.

Somewhere in my kid logic, I decided enough was enough. With permission from my Mom, I picked up her save file and I decided to face it myself. I memorized every powerful spell I knew she used from watching her play and I went up against the terror of my dreams. I was scared, really scared, but I forced myself on that couch and did what I had to do.

I was going to overcome that pile of self-proclaimed hatred... and I did it.

I finished where my Mom started. We got to see the happily ever after together. After that? It was a journey of playing video games together! From Final Fantasy III(VI), laughing the first time we heard Kefka's voice track, Earthbound and many more! I wasn't very good at the Mario games so I always watched Mom beat those with ease. Some weekends we'd get to see my aunt who was also a gamer in her own right.

I'd watch them play as they'd discuss their favorite games over coffee and ciggerates. We'd borrow each other's cartridges. It was one of the small lights in my childhood that brought me happiness. Every time I see these games, I am reminded of my mom but Final Fantasy IV is what makes me think of my Mom most of all.

Age wasn't kind to her. She couldn't keep playing when she reached her 60s so I'd show her what I was doing from time to time. When I got into Final Fantasy XIV, I'd show her some of the throwbacks and how some things came out in 3D. MMOs confused her but she knew what Final Fantasy meant.

Then, in July 2020, she was gone; taken by luekemia. Even now, the pain of the loss stings since because of the pandemic, I don't have a grave to go to. There was no funeral, no memorial and no place to really go to mourn. Her ashes are there but there wasn't a real place for me to go to. I thought about not playing 5.3 since I didn't know if I could handle experiencing more loss if anything happened to G'raha Tia. I decided to wing it. Elidibus' last line hit after the battle hit the hardest in 5.3.

So, after that, I decided to go with it and reach to the end; to Endwalker.

Final Fantasy IV was everywhere in this expansion pack and the themes hit particularly close to home. Moenbryda's parents with Urianger hit me harder than anything could have in this game. I felt as if my Mom was with me; the town theme on the moon bringing me to tears and brought me back to when she was alive.

Then, 6.4 drops and I'm enjoying beating up Golbez in a weird reunion all the while reminiscing of my childhood. I am ready to reach the end when he decides to sacrifice Adjaza into the pit... and I hear him call that name. I scream. I stare as the pit goes from red to blue and that face.

That face appears in the pit.

Zeromus.

And I am now that child all over again, sitting on the couch on labor day weekend. It's just the angry blue ball but now in HD. I know what's coming but this time, Mom isn't here anymore. I'm the adult now. I'm not sure how it'll look in 3D or how Soken is going to remix the final boss theme; will I even be able to tank it with the emotional roller coaster going through me? Yet the most ironic part of all is that the estimation of the next patch is September; maybe even around Labor Day in America. No one could plan these series of coincidences even if they tried.

It feels like I've done nothing but find bits of closure through Endwalker. I got to relive the moments of Mom being alive from childhood to adulthood. I've been able to mourn and let myself process these feelings where a pandemic robbed me of that. Don't get me wrong; it stings still and her third year anniversary is coming up. I plan to find somewhere to go to sit quietly and contemplate on that day.

But Endwalker and beyond gave me this sense of closure and I feel like at the end of the road, in striking Zeromus one more time, I can close the door just so I can open a new one. She was my warrior of light, my my friend, my companion in every Final Fantasy.

The rains have ceased and we have been graced with another beautiful day.

But you are not here to see it.

Thank you.