Question about tanking

[Silvergryphon]

You seem to have answered your own question during your original post.

If you worked to buy a full set of level-appropriate Tome gear, then it's not that you're undergeared.

If you're utilizing your mitigations, then it's not an issue of taking too much damage.

So, if you've handled YOUR part as well as possible, then the fault must lie elsewhere.

Each category has it's responsibilities in a team. And, in my experience, this is where many players utterly fail. They play "ME ME ME!!!", and don't give a fig about contributing to the TEAM success.

Tank - you pull and damage sponge. You gain and hold aggro on ALL mobs possible in that pull. If any additional mobs come charging in during the fight, you grab their attention and press on. You rotate your mitigations to lessen burden on healer. You try to 'aim' the aggro so that area effect attacks don't overly tax your team.

Healer - you keep the tank alive. You keep yourself alive. THEN you worry about healing the silly DPS who refuses to stay out of poo.
In most every case, if the tank dies, the TEAM dies.
Less likely if the Healer dies.
VERY unlikely if the DPS dies.

DPS - you sit back and deal out as much damage as possible, maximizing your rotations, damage buffs, etc - while making a deliberate effort to avoid grabbing or stealing aggro.
A secondary aspect of this that is all too often forgotten.....
You're NOT A TANK!!
You're a squishy DPS.
Don't make the tanks job harder by grabbing or pulling additional aggro, and expect them to chase you around to get it back. Don't make the Healers job harder by taking unnecessary damage.

Personally, I think there's a lack of consequence and accountability in the game, and it's led to some rather toxic encounters.
If you pull and are not the tank, expect to die.

As a tank, my first pull is generally going to be moderate. To get a feel for the Healer capacity, as much as anything. After that, I pull as many as I'm comfortable with.
Whining about 'you're too slow!!' doesn't help if I over-pull, and the team wipes 'cuz the healer didn't/wouldn't/couldn't keep up with the heals.
Now we've got to rez, run back, and start the whole process over.

Long way of saying:
YOU as the Tank set the pace according to your comfort level - healer attentiveness and ability to keep up with damage, DPS attentiveness and ability to burn down groups.

You just try to push that pace to the limits of the team. And as responsible team mates, they support your efforts and not be impatient (or lazy) twits.

[Undeadfire]

while making a deliberate effort to avoid grabbing or stealing aggro.

There's nothing to grab/steal aggro from, tank enmity doesn't exist anymore than another tank enmity.

Don't make the tanks job harder by grabbing or pulling additional aggro, and expect them to chase you around to get it back.

This can be very sceptical and honestly no reason not to one pack pull.

Personally, I think there's a lack of consequence and accountability in the game, and it's led to some rather toxic encounters.
If you pull and are not the tank, expect to die.

This isn't consequence, this is tanks always trying to be in control of the Duty. DPS/Healer roles can carry the duty, and I will vote kick anyone who tries this "you pull you tank" rubbish, it's griefing. There are very incompetent tanks that want to make a team miserable solely for their own enjoyment, this isn't a game based on play styles, it's the correct way or get out. That's like going to FPS games and refusing power weapons, or use a certain terrible weapon because it's my playstyle.

As a tank, my first pull is generally going to be moderate. To get a feel for the Healer capacity, as much as anything. After that, I pull as many as I'm comfortable with.
-snip
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This game has grown over time with more tools to keep Tanks/Healers alive, easier, and easier, stop enabling this nonsense, most of the community hate this crap, and rather boot them out.

Long way of saying:
YOU as the Tank set the pace according to your comfort level

No, they don't. It's a team effort, you're not I'm the tank and I'm in charge of the duty, don't be hypocritical.

Healer attentiveness and ability to keep up with damage

To keep up with DPS, not stand around Heal spamming, O-GCDs easily jack HP back up, GCDs are 2-3x more weaker.

All in all, stop enabling this incompetence at level 70-90 cap content. As I say again a lot of people will boot these players because of their favourite griefing quote "you pull you tank", and people certainly don't have time to sit in dungeons for 30-40 mins just to enable players who can't be bothered to play, and rather watch their Netflix/Twitch Livestreams. Easily replaceable the player, and get the content cleared far faster than dealing with them.