Endwalker helped me with my Grief...[Spoiler: Ew MSQ Final Zone]. Thank you Devs

[Rowannero]

I wanted to take some time to expand on some personal thoughts and realizations regarding Endwalker, to thank the Development team, the Cast, and of course Spoilers will be here. In case it needs be said; TW regarding the topic of death, especially related to the Pandemic. Also this is so long it's gonna take a few posts to get it all xD But it comes from the heart.

Looking upon my life the last few years and the struggles I faced. Even before the pandemic of Covid-19 I was struggling in the retail world. It's the tired tale, I started to get wrapped up in the rush of the world and was spending less and less time with family I cared about.

My relationship with my father was always a struggle. There was a point in my life where his shortcomings as a father came to a breaking point and our relationship was in tatters. we started to finally grow close again over the course of the year before he was taken from us suddenly (Suspected blood clot) at his work's Christmas party.

The Thanksgiving before, I couldn't join him for Thanksgiving because I worked for one of the biggest retailers of the US, and I stayed home to rest instead because I was already taking Overtime. His death destroyed me, I was already burning out but this caused it all to go up in smoke and his last message not even a week before was him looking forward to seeing me for Christmas. Soon, it was my birthday in 2020 on March 5th when my Grandmother, who I was her baby she spoiled the most, passed ready for her time of rest. Then of course, Covid-19 was fully made aware to the US and quarantine started the week after as I grieved. I've lost family and close friends all as a result of this virus, 5 total, and I lost 3 more before My dad within a span of 2 years including my Step mother and one of my best friends.

In college, back in 2011, I lost my Grandfather to cancer on Nov 9th and since he was the patriarch on my mom's side of the family the Thanksgiving family time I grew to love slowly became a shell of itself. The Winter and Fall Holidays, and my favorite season of Fall, became hurtful reminders of the wounds upon my heart, of my grief.

The reason I say all this is because Playing FFXIV has been a big part of my life. I started in Open Beta if I recall correctly, I know it was in early ARR and I took forever to level in my struggles as Early White Mage. I almost quit in the 30 Stretch, back then the best way to level was fate grinding in Coerthas and it took hours to get to Darkhold's level, but I've stayed and fell absolutely in love with being a Warrior of Light.

With every expansion I grew to love the story more and more, so much I became a Twitch Content Creator to share my Journey and make a community where I can help others in their Journey to become a WoL. Endwalker came at the right time for me.

[Rowannero]

I just started Therapy and one of the things we were legit going to start covering was my grief. I took time off from the therapy since I was live streaming long hours until I finished the MSQ, so the week after Early Access I had good tidings for my therapist. I found peace with my grief. Endwalker took the big project me and her was working towards from my Therapist and did the job for her!

I have grown very attached to my Scion family in Shadowbringers. Most of all to G'raha Tia. Going into Ultima Thule I was told vaguely that I needed Tissues at the ready. I figured I would, considering what I went through with G'raha in Shadowbringers.

When we are told what came of Thancred, the butterflies in my stomach turned to stone. The first thought that came to my mind was "how can we tell Ryne?" and the Fatherly relationship he had to her just started the pace. Losing a father is the cornerstone of my grief, so the gravity of the zone hit me there.

Estinien Never stood out too much to me I think, until EW, and when that theme played as he talked about fury, anger, and letting go it started to break the ice around my heart caused by abandonment issues plus horrible ex's who used me and I suffer the consequences of to this day...the anger I held. I realized this morning that roaring fire is now steaming coals. Something I still need to address but...nevertheless I can start healing I think now from my anger and low key desire for revenge.

Urianger's growth in this expansion has made him near and dear to my heart, Shadowbringers did a Amazing job of bringing new life to Characters that just faded from memory from the days of ARR (I really hate the fate Minfilia had, she stumbled in arr so Ryne could run) and I realize I empathize with him. I was always the quiet one, the one who was bullied but was really good with my reading. I loved some theatrics, just no where to Urianger's fabulous displays I think mostly of my self confidence. I've been that friend on some occasions that was entrusted dark secrets and made to promise not to say a word, secrets that hurt people in the end.

And Y'shtola...I respect her so much. Her distaste for violence, her thirst for knowledge, her absolute sass in the face of stupidity, and her caring nature she has in spite of it all. Everything she does is to go with her knowledge in spite of others telling her that it's pointless. She refuses to give up on her dreams, even in the face of those "better learned". Two aspects that resonate with me so much, standing for what they believe in for those they care to move forward. One refusing to let his friend face the darkness alone, and the other refusing to let go of her ideals. I need this in the aspect to grow from to where I am now and to respect the wishes of someone dear to me in the past to “Never stop asking questions.”

[Rowannero]

Then, there is G'raha. Oh lords G'raha. I see so much in him that I want in a relationship. Not only as a friend, but romantically. Someone who wants to see more with you, who will stand side by side with you. Be not afraid to give you a push if needed, or pull you along with him in the darkness. Someone who truly cares for those around him, becomes so passionate for what he loves, and goes out of his way to insure those he's close to get care. Knowing how he can take command, but also wants others to lead. He's such a amazing Character that there was times my breath was taken away in this expansion with him. He has such a roaring fire of passion that it inspires me to keep going.

This part I had to go back and rewatch, because what happened absolutely broke me and my memories went a little fuzzy. His face when he heard that the Omnicron lost the spark to dream, I know that feeling. I think I put myself in the omnicron's place slightly. But, the promise request. I can't even remember my choice, I had to go back to my VOD. “You say it, I'll do it.”

I wasn't expecting him to go into detail what he wanted. And then, Tomorrow and Tomorrow with his speech. Everything I was holding onto for all these years was threatening to burst in just raw emotions. I haven't cried like this in a long time. All on stream for the world to see.

The question “what is it that makes me, me?” has been a struggle I have had for years, coming to the surface since I realized I danced to everyone's tune to be accepted and not abandoned. His answer rocked me harder as it as I saw more into him. “Who we were need not prescribe what we now hold in our hearts.” I'm not the same person who was used, abandoned by those I thought loved me, and saw the pits of darkness.

I never truly looked to my future. Never had actual dreams I chased before the last year, i finally have one now. Something that awoken with me in my journey as a Warrior of Darkness. Growing from someone who's played since ARR afraid of ex primals, let alone savage raiding to someone seeking a static as my first experience in Savage raiding at current tier despite my Anxiety and full clears of the current ex's while relevant. Who wants to share this journey of mine, and help others start theirs in this wonderful world of Etheirys. To actually Live . The Crystal Path to follow, lighting my way. With the two I grew to love as if they where my kids (And who I stubbornly adopted at the end of ShB no matter what others who say)

[Rowannero]

Close in the distance started and it helped give me the strength to to barely keep going. I think what started to grip into my grief was Alisaie's. “..the fact we can breath and continue on is proof that the others are with us.” and started to pull it away from my heart. It was so painful, but I felt I couldn't stop. Afraid if I would I'd never come back to this amazing story. The wheel of life being presented to me and everything about losing those around. But still moving on, life moving on. And I kept moving on. The good and bad experiences make me, me. To have good friends to share the burden of the bad, and to celebrate the good.

Everything we talked about, the twins on the way to that summit. The fear to keep moving, the inability to see the road ahead. The twin's original character flaw to start to overcome. The fear to keep from moving. The significance of their Grandfather's theme to rise from the ashes, to have the hope of tomorrow. I almost stopped losing them, I almost couldn't go on...” “We rise, fall, and rise again”. And all the words of encouragement from my past there to move me forward. The rainbow bridge.

I had a small hope...I had to tell myself..and chat...I can call them back to me..if I end things. Every step, I regained my hope. Remembered the struggles, the need to find a better tomorrow. To taste the sweet nectar of life. And, most importantly for me, the loss of the ones I love hurts because I loved them. And they loved me in return. Yes, I was hurt to no ends by my father and I ache we didn't address it in our slowly repairing relationship. But, I'm me because of my struggles. And he was him. If not for that fight, the both of us would have never grown into the father and son willing to love each other again after nearly 7 years of coldness. And the love he had for me lives on in me, and everything I got from him allows me to send all the love forward to those with me today to share in this light.

Thank you, Yoshida-San, Natsuko-San, Soken-San, and the entire development team and cast of this absolutely amazing part of my life. Thank you for giving me peace, for giving me a dream, and the strength so that I can actually start moving forward to enjoy life. I enjoyed this Holiday Season, regardless of my struggles thanks to you. I asked a old friend of mine from College to translate this last part, because this is the part most of all I'd want them to read:

吉田さん、石川さん、祖堅さん、そしてこの作品を作り出したチームの方々やキャストの方々、本当にありがとうございました。皆様は私の人生に大きな影響を与えてくださいました。 私の中に安らぎを与えてくれたこと、夢を与えてくださったこと、そして人生を楽しむための生きる活力を与えてくださったこと、全てに感謝しています。 辛いことがあっても、皆様のおかげでホリデーシーズンを楽しく過ごすことができました。どうもありがとうございました。