Well, I just had my little theories thoroughly squashed... I had thought if I just dedicated my full internet connection (aka didn't connect anything else) then FFXIV could go through a full queue without issue. I've had a couple of successful evenings of waiting 2-3hrs this last week doing that.

Today though? Nope. I waited about 45min to get crashed out with a 2002... And of course, every immediate re-login attempt resulted in more 2002 errors, until I missed my spot in the queue and had it reset.

This system is absolute garbage. The game itself is amazing, but clearly this game was oversold, the servers under-prepared, and now it's all a big hot mess. Well done.