Eorzea news

[SenorPatty]

What's going on during server downtime?

UNN SPECIAL REPORT with Anora Knowles, live from the UNN weather garden.



Tasty I'm here in Hyperion's Goblet Residential District just oustide the UNN Studio, where an uptick in crystal use has left locals bewildered. I spoke to a local by the market board just inside the entrance to the district, and he had this to say about the dilemna..

Local: "Look, I don't know, I just don't. I know what I do, and it's got nothing to do with politics or religion. I like to pvp. I mean listen, I don't try to take nothing from other people. I just like to.. y'know.. do something while I wait?"


UNN : "And how long do you have to wait?"

Local: quiet sobbing, as a single tear rolls down his face

UNN : "It's ok.. shh.. it's ok.."

Local: "I.. I waited so long."



Tasty, the man began to cry, offering me photographic evidence of wait times that were baffling, leaving this reporter to almost sympathize with this man's new addiction. Crystal. UNN correspondent, Palico has more information on the meowter.



Um, meow, I'm right inside the Crystarium, where a purrplexing ameownt of the city is meowed of crystals. Adventurers are lined up in the Mewsica Universalis Meowkets, using lots of um crystals. The gentlecat purpriertar, who's name is Bragi, meowntioned he's had a meowsive influx of adventurers loitering around the Meowketboard buying and selling things meowed with lots of crystal. Anora, back to mew!



Thank you Palico! Tasty, Bragi reached out to UNN, citing increased tripping hazards caused by "crystalled out" crafters just lazying around, a rise in "vendoring" junk, and a much higher level of noise polution as well.

Thank you Anora. Let's hand it over to Oddle Grodmyre for sports!

Thanks Tasty. The body of an Ala Mhigan NPC who disappeared several months ago is believed to be discovered.. Witnesses who last saw him say he was last seen falling from a "small island" during a GATE event known as Leap of Faith.. Tasty as you are well aware, NPC's are not allowed to enter that particular gate as the blessing of Hydalen doesn't really work for them so well. The NPC's body is being examined for signs of foul play at Sasamo Memorial Hospital.

Mmm.. tragic story Oddle, but thank you.

In other news, scientists theorize Catbois will soon become extinct, and thonged bunny men will rule the Aetherytes in many of the starting cities. This has been your UNN Special Report.

I could read these all day, everyday. Thank you so much for this

[Sauteed]

While the world burns, UNN is there to provide news and traffic information.. here is an article from yesteryear. (literally)


UNN SPECIAL REPORT


"A relationship ended in utter chaos earlier this week, on the Crystal Data Center, this amid other news of allegations of child sex rings operating through a popular service
called "Party Finder". Details still forth coming on this extremely damaging topic, back to our regularly scheduled special report with Anora Knowles."

"Tasty, I'm here on scene in Zalera's Goblet Residential district, where a heart broken adoptive meower of two stands utterly devestated over a relationship gone south, in
which a stupid douchebag allegedly stole parts for this kitty's 24 submersibles, and roughly 200 gillion worth of assorted items and materials, some precious Kamacite and
Cocobolo Lumber among the losses listed.

We were given special purrmission by the meowing maiden to conduct a brief interview on condition of anonymity. Tell us, meowdam, what exactly happened?"

Wiping away tears with the back of her paw "Well, we met about 10 months ago.."

The grief stricken Keeper of the Moon Miqo'te went on to say, she ran a night club in which LGBTQI+ and all other members of the local community were encouraged to gather and socialize and find common ground where a seemingly mild mannered and humorous man approached her and began to build a friend to friend relationship with her. Over time the two began dating and things began to heat up.. We're uncertain who proposed an Eternal Bonding to the other, but platinum wristlets were purrchased in a bid to bring these two hearts to closer union. Apparently all was well until 3 moons ago, when the Miqo'te mistress began to suspect there were other "unwelcome" partners in an otherwise monogamous relationship.

"I started to suspect he was seeing another woman, and he was. He was seeing several!" she said.

The devastated Moonkeeper Miqo'te led on to say, he had been totally unfaithful for the whole course of their almost Eternal relationship. She went on to mention, she shared
intimate details of her pursonal and financial life with the stupid douchebag, and almost all of her franchise operations were impacted in deep ways.

Her adoptive son, also Miqo'te, was close with the would-be father-in-law did not respond for comment, though we understand he was seriously emeowtionally hurt by the ordeal. Our crew was allowed
inside the Free Company which appeared sparsely furnished, tho partially because the Miqo'te Owner/Operator was in the process of decorating for the upcoming Starlight Celebration just before these events took place and has not rekindled interest since.
Scenes from the inside of the burgled workshop were grim, as mismatched submersible's were docked nearby confirming all of the details of this scandolous happening. Tasty, back to you."

"Mmm, powerful powerful reporting Anora, thank you. On another note, we begin ticking off the days until the Starlight Celebration begins, but be careful, a new mysterious illness known as Black Rose is snuffing the fun out of everything you and I like to do this holiday season. Stay tuned to UNN for more news, traffic and weather information.

[Taebok]

Breaking news: A pathogen has been discovered sweeping Eorzea that targets only Lalafells.
Though efforts were made to identify and isolate the pathogen, it was not done fast enough and all Lalafells are now dead.
All of Eorzea rejoiced.

[Sauteed]

Hingan authorities launch an investigation into housing market corruption. This news just in as Northern Hingashi officials decry the Roe Biden administration for blaming Black Rose on them. UNN reached out to Lord Hien's office and is awaiting comment at this time.

Joz, tell us a little about the weather.
"Tasty, it is hot and moist in Southern Thanalan, with slight chance of getting hotter and moister."

Wow. Thanks Joz. In other news, market analysts suggest investing in cashmere and fleece, the glam market remains strong as Endwalker "log in" queues climb into the astronomically annoying tier. This has been your UNN news, traffic and weather information update.

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EMERGENCY UNN UPDATE

An explosion in Northern Thanalan disrupting power distribution all throughout Thanalan and several outlying regions. UNN's own Anora Knowles brings you the latest.. Anora, to you.



Thanks Tasty, I'm live here in Northern Thanalan, where dumbasses working in the Ceruleum Refinery just outside of Camp Bluefog have caused an explosion, leaving someone's Roegadyn alt dead, and injurying several nameless Ala Mhigan npc's in the blast. Emergency rescue workers
have not confirmed the name of deceased Roegadyn alt, but by all reports.. he's big.

Apparently, the dumbasses had taken a native Coblyn in as a pet, and the thing fell into a valve preventing it from shutting properly. It was at this point the dumbasses began to raise
an alarum, but it was too late.. The Roegadyn was apparently questing nearby and received massive burns and was "blown up real good" as the locals stated. Tasty, as you may well know, residents of the Ceruleum rich plains of Northern Thanalan have decried President Roe Biden's economic
policies, causing factories to restructure, and cut expenditures, some of that restructuring including cuts to training new employees to work the facilities. We reached out to the Metalworks earlier, and spoke with Chief Engineer Garlond himself, who just so happened to be in the vicinity after helping several "newbs" in a nearby Imperial Castrum.



UNN : Sir, have you anything to say about the employees responsible for the blast?

Cid Garlond :: "Dumbasses"

He immediately turned and walked away after his succinct statement. Tasty we will be monitoring the situation as details emerge.

Thank you Anora.. Let's hear about sports with Oddle Grodmyre.. Oddle to you.


Thank you Tasty, I'm live in the Godlen Saucer, where Monster Toss sensation Blahfwitz Zitzwaer just scored 10 shots before the buzzer, Blahf, tell us about it buddy!

"Oh it's great, I could feel the timer ticking down as I let the monster slip in and out of my hands.. My heart was racing around the 8th swoosh, I mean, I think it was the 8th I lost count.. I just kept grabbing that monster.. my monster.. and making it mine! Yaa!!!"

Wow, that's amazing.. Outside of this massive Monster Toss'ing, most Saucer addicts are just mindlessly showing off their glam to one another, that about wraps it up Tasty!

Thanks Oddle, that sounded like it felt amazing! In other news, Black Rose concerns still remain high in the New Eorzean Year, but experts say don't worry, you're only going to die if you're around it. Market analysts suggest Leather Sofa
remain a safe investment, as people everywhere need a soft spot for their ass. This has been your UNN news report.

[Sauteed]

UNN Mapper's report, featuring Anora Knowles



Good evening Tasty, I'm live here in Ul'Dah, just outside the Aetheryte Plaza, where reports are abuzz of gil-thirsty looters ravaging a race of space rabbits' treasure stores. Apparently, each looter made off with roughly 584,747 in gil, and several priceless items.. UNN's Palico has more details.. Palico, to you.



Meow, thank mew Anora.. Reports indicate two greedaloxes, who shall remain anonymeows, meowed off with a pair of Archangel wings each, adorable Lalas made off with meowtiple cracked Anthoclusters, and two looters achieved reaching the top floor of the treasure vault after defeating meowny exciting guardians, leaving un-meowed damage in their wake. Back to mew!



Oh my gods, aa! I can't take it anymore, Tasty! He's too cute! Back to you.

Thanks Anora! In other news, Kumbhiraskin map prices themselves have dropped dramatically in the last Eorzean week, while Gazelleskin prices have soared to over 100,000 gil each. Market analysts suggest choosing wisely! This has been your UNN News, Weather and Maps report!

[Atelier-Bagur]

This is it, the best thread this forum had in a long while.

[EorzeaChronicle]

We at the Eorzea Chronicle also do some news reporting monthly!

Here is a Google Drive Link to our last issue!

[Sauteed]

Tonight, Ul'Dah rocked in scandal, as the Leading Ladies of the 3 Eorzean Nation States, Gridania, Limsa Lominsa and
Ul'Dah herself, have been issued a citation for public intoxication and disorderly conduct. This news another strike at the heart of our nation, as allegations against the credibility of Roe Biden's presidency have continued to emerge from the more shadowy corners of the Sultanate. UNN's Anora Knowles brings you the latest.. Anora, to you..



Thank you Tasty, I'm here live infront of the Chamber of Rule where rumors are circulating everywhere about events that
transpired just moments ago.. The Sultana, Nanamo Ul'Namo has been found intoxicated in an alley just outside the
Sapphire Avenue Exchange, the second time in recent weeks. Brass Blades officials, speaking on condition of anonymity have
stated the Sultana has been admitted to Sasamo Memorial Medical Center in Western Thanalan to take in-patient treatment
for an injury she sustained while falling over to sleep. Witnesses say she was vomiting violently and shouting curse words about President Roe Biden before collapsing. Among her possessions, several onzes of somnus, several Garlean Rubbers, and a 7th Astral Era Mixed Tomestone of various club songs. As you may know, The Sultanate has been in flux since Roe Biden won the elections just two short years ago, causing even more gaping divides between Monetarist and Loyalist circles.. Ala Mhigan NPC's fiercely despise the president, who has repeatedly struck down motions that would serve for the betterment of their people, such as giving them names, back stories and shirts to name a few. Tasty, back to you.

Thank you Anora, let's hand things over to UNN Correspondent Toyona Cross, live from Limsa Lominsa..



Thank you Onions, as you can see, things are still going well here. Several naked Hrothgar men are sitting just off
camera here, whispering things to eachother while bards continue to macro entertainment for all to hear. Rumors that the Admiral bit the ear off a Brass Blades cadet have been circulating here around the Aetheryte for the last several moments as news of the Sultana's admission to Sasamo Memorial Medical has spread. Aside from that, Limsa remains the picture of lively Gposing that it has been. Back to you.



Thanks Toyona, we'll be sure to keep in touch. In other news, a spike in Garlean Rubber prices has manifested in the
last half hour while Leather Sofas maintain their place in the Eorzean Market... This has been your UNN update.. but..



All of us here at UNN would like to wish the Sultana an expedient recovery, and a pleasant return to rule. We would like
to ask each of you viewers to share in our prayers for her. Thank you for your support.

[Rabblerabble]

Believe these guys are still rocking, here is their latest report.

UNN weather update coming to you live from beautiful Ul'Dah! Oddle here, glory to the Sultana, Twelves be honored and may the sands turn to gold for you.

A national heat advisory has been issued as a heat wave emanating from deep within the Sagoli has left members of the U tribe suffering from severe heat exposure. Some of the tribal Miqo'te women have taken to wearing even less clothing than mewsual as they bathe in the Furgotten Springs. Man things really are getting really hot down there! Traffic inbound into the blisteringly hot desert has increased 10 fold during this time.

Weather on into the evening will remain hotter than sitting with Ifrit by a campfire on the sun, but there IS a slight chance of a breeze by around 8 to 9 p.m. Thanalan time. Be sure to take extra water and perhaps a Mint Lasse or two if you plan on visiting family in the area.

In other news, former Editor-In-Chief Anora Knowles will be coming to you from Maduin with some news about the Dynamis Data-Center, she has been working with the UNN team to bring us the latest on the local venue scene there.

All this and more, stay tuned to UNN for for your news, weather and traffic information.