The OP is right, the toxicity is here, it's just hidden away outside the game.

I'll be honest, in game I act cordially to each player but mostly stay quiet when pugging.

Meanwhile in discord I'm either ranting about the horrible players duty finder has given me, or on the rare occasion praising the fact I finally got a group with decent players.

But this is also why I don't pug in this game for anything above story mode content. The average player here just frustrates the elitist in me too much.