Recently I decided to finally decorate my house. I was initially excited to purchase it and stayed up late to buy it when Shirogane houses became available, but like a cat that had finally caught the prey it always wanted, I didn't know what to do with it.

Looking back, it was like that for a lot of my life. First I became a white mage because I wanted to help people, then progressed to summoner because I had grown tired of helping others, and all the while, nothing seemed to fit me.

Such it was with my house, as well. I had thought to make it like my apartment, full of books to study and a cozy fireplace, but that didn't fit. At the end of the day, I'd lock my house up in Shirogane and go to my apartment in Mist, my real home, to sleep.

When I first went to Ishgard, I picked up a dark knight's sword because I had thought that a combination of helping friends and hurting others would be the best of both worlds. I was right. My friends were safe and I had found my calling. But in hurting others, even in the name of good, you also hurt yourself.

Across the way from my house is a free company’s mansion. To keep up appearances, I decorated the outside and rotated holiday furniture as necessary. My neighbors saw this and were impressed. They wanted to see the inside as well. What they would have seen was that the outside was just a facade and that inside all that waited was nothing. Emptiness. They couldn't know that what they were truly asking was that they wanted to see what was inside of me.

A dark knight's duty is to protect, yes, but also to harm. To swear to protect others is to swear to violence to achieve that goal. More often than not, that protection ended in the death of the aggressor. A single killing was easily shrugged off, but the weight of them all overcame me. It had become too much and my dark knight soul crystal cracked in two. From it, my feelings of regret and remorse for those I killed manifested as Myste. And though he was defeated, his message was not.

One day while in my house and contemplating what I should do with it I realized that I was not actually thinking about that. The emptiness and peacefulness had lulled me into other thoughts. Thoughts of those I had slaughtered to protect friends. I tried to remember my victim's faces, and names, and I found it was a sort of penance. At that moment, I knew what I had to do with my house. It would not be a house to live in, but one to reflect in. The inside would remain empty, with a few token items to make it more comfortable and peaceful and serene.

When I was finished, I was finally comfortable with letting my neighbors see the inside. But even now that is also a facade. They see peace and serenity in the space I have created. What I see is a space dedicated to those I have killed, and those I have yet to kill. This space, empty as I am when I protect others, is my forgiveness to myself for what I must do.

(Ahriman Choker)