I need help understanding different personality types!

[Ceridwenae]

I feel like a jerk for not recognizing your name...

It's absolutely fine. The thing is, on forums, I'm nowhere near as anxious as I am "in person" if you will, and I have a lot more time to roll with the punches, muse over different points of view, that sort of thing. My posts can take a ridiculous amount of time to compose even for small stuff, and I'm just sick enough to enjoy that. This is where I'm comfortable with engaging with people - it comes from spending my kidhood in constant written communication with my grandmother. I like to write! This, to me, is the cheery gossip with the neighbour over the fence in the back garden. Yes, I said cheery. And shush! I even have my favourite posters here and they will never know who they are!

But I don't take it personally if no one remembers me, so don't feel like a jerk. Besides, you're right: though beyond the socialising with lots of people on a daily basis - even more people are making posts and threads of things which matter to them, having all these interactions, you can't really expect to remember everyone you post a few lines at or read some words from. You likely have a lot of things going on in your life, and it shouldn't all revolve around this place!

Some more on social anxiety from my PoV: I watched a TED talk not long ago, which particularly resonated with me. If you have a smidge of time, have a watch! You might find it useful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUedQ0_EGCQ

I personally found myself nodding so much, like "yep, yep...That's absolutely right." It reminded me of when I did music at university, and the lectures I could give to the class turned out to be some of the most unexpected fun I ever had on that course, given I thought I'd really hate being in front of everyone like that (I wasn't diagnosed at that point, mind, just thought I was rubbish, shy and worthless, because that's pretty much what I'd been told). Everyone had to give a lecture on a particular music genre, artist, movement. Just one little lecture. I think I was on my fourth by the time we didn't have to do any more, but I would have if they'd let me. I was voluntarily giving them, I'd dress up in the clothes of the era I was discussing and having a really great time just passing the information on in a fun way. I reckon I still could have a bit of natter on this stuff (anyone want to discuss 1960s Rolling Stones, or the Stone Roses and Madchester? Or a top 5 of Best Guitar Riffs for Break-Ups High Fidelity style? Why David Bowie was a music deity and we shall never see his like again? Failing that, I can do Beethoven. Or Mozart. Or Chopin! How music can tell a story (tone poems)? So... yeah).

Anyhoo, I love it when people like you start asking questions, heart-in-the-right-place style. Makes me think that humanity isn't completely screwed. Carry on, sir!

[JackHatchet]

Makes me think that humanity isn't completely screwed.

There's a lot of good out there. Sometimes it can be challenging to see over all of the negatives. But it's like the stars in the sky. Sometimes you don't notice them, but when you do--you can see just how beautiful they are. And the more you look, the more you see. And before you know it--all you see are stars from sky to sky across the universe.

I love Ted Talks. Andrew Solomon did a bunch that I really loved. I even bought his book! I listen to his stuff about every 6 months or so to kinda get my head in the right place when I'm lost in the sauce. Sometimes it's easy to get used to a set group of people and forget the differences or struggles of others. But every so often something sparks my inspiration to try and push beyond my comfort zone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EVEmZ2c_es

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In response to someone else. Personal issues sometimes are something we talk about at work. I actually covered a co-worker's shift today, because they had a doctor's appointment. I know at the end of the day--we're all in it for the money. That's why we work. But for those very short moments in my life where we're a team. I truly believe we're like a small family, and I do care about the well-being of my coworkers.

I probably wouldn't tell them the gross stuff. But that's for my wife. ^.^ She's a nurse, so she's got the kind of story that'll even give me the shivers!

(Note): Ceri, if you ever want to talk more about Ted Talks stuff! I love it! I'll be sure to check out that video you linked.

[AngelCheese77]

TED Talks has some baller stuff on there.

[JackHatchet]

I watched your Ted Talks video about anxiety. It was good!

I think I have a very mild form of anxiety, but I don't know if that's the truth of it. One thing that I HATE doing in online games--is accepting friend requests. I'm so much of an independent person. That I dread the concept of doing something like running a farm party, and someone saying "hey, you're pretty awesome. Let's be friends so we can do this again sometime!"

But to me. I feel like that's restricting. Like oh gosh, now this person wants me to do crap with him. It feels constraining, so 95% of the times someone throws me a friend request--I tend to deny them, because I hate having friendships based around content. I get it a lot in PvP games too. But it just annoys the heck out of me. Especially when you run a game with someone, and they add you. And then they pester you every other day to run games. NOOO! I told you to leave me alone. I don't want to run PvP right now. I'm busy playing Age of Empires 2!

One of the reasons why I absolutely love chat channels and the Novice Network (and strangers online), is that there's never any solid obligation or commitment. I could literally disappear off the earth the next day--and no one would wonder where I was. And I greatly enjoy that freedom. And anytime I feel tied to something--it feel restricting. It's hard to explain beyond 'anxious.'

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I do know that I've often fell into that trap where I'm 'that person' who leaves another behind, and then they get upset that I left them. So I try extremely hard not to let people get close to me in that regard. Good examples (from years ago). Would be like making friends in WoW, and then deciding I wanted to play Swtor or FFXIV. I don't believe I need my friend's approval to chase my own path. I just do it. But then they complain that I abandoned them. Like hey. This is how I am. You can choose that or leave it. But please don't guilt trip me over it. It annoys me greatly.

In FFXIV's it's been about tranasfering servers and such. I GREATLY DISLIKE IT when people rely on me. I just want to do me--freely.

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And in my relationship it works well too! I think it's because we're much more closer intimately and mentally, we get our connection from that. That it doesn't matter what server we're on, or what games we play. For example, she's heavy in FFXIV--and I'm on break until Shadowbringers. We rely on each other mentally and emotionally, and that connection is great. But when it comes to entertainment like games, TV, or movies--we're both completely free to chase our goals without feeling chained by each other.

-shrugs- I don't know. I've never felt anxious with my wife. I think it's because I spent a long time making sure she was the perfect person. So I don't fall into some of the pitfalls of being saddled with some annoying pug that I just want to tell off, lol.

[Paladinleeds]

So my question to you! Do double-autism couples struggle to mesh. Or would autistic people have a stronger understanding of other autistic people and share a stronger form of empathy?

One of the things I'm trying to understand still, is that I hear a lot how Autistic people drift into their own worlds, or they become incredibly dedicated to their hobbies, or such. Basically, that they can be incredibly selfish. Are they able to counter balance that? Would two autistic people get along together well, or would they always be too demanding of the other and feel drained?

Given the variety of how autistic people can be very different, it's possible to work. Because of the common grounds with autism (of difficulty in communication, being very literal and taking things literally), it looks good to work well. There's a lass I know with autism, and while we occasionally disagree, we seem to click really well. We're both open and honest with each other (as our autism dictates we require). I've found though that as she hates being lied to more than even yourself, I have to make sure if there's something I'm interested in getting or doing, that I make sure I have a get out clause such as "It might be worth getting that", using words like might to make sure it isn't a definite thing. But then again, I guess that's just being honest if using non-commital speech in order to allow us a way out of it. We could potentially work out, though I am single atm and will be for at least a few more months (since I was with someone who had an autistic child who I expected would have understood me, but alas she did not, and we did not break up on good terms. This is all fairly recent too, so I'm needing to heal from it)

[Whelp]

Autistic person here.

I'll admit first I didn't read everything here because the replies have an overwhelming amount of text. I'm sorry if I repeat points made.

RE "tolerance": I don't want tolerance. I want acceptance. I want people to respect my desire not to participate in VC unless it's critical for group activities. I want people to understand when I say I don't communicate indirectly I *mean* it. I want people to not try to "read between the lines" when I say a thing. I want people to accept that sometimes I'm just going to be too anxious to do stuff and a lot of times that anxiety comes with a sense of not knowing what I am actually anxious about. I don't want to be told to "get over" my anxiety. I don't want to be told "it's not a big deal". I just want to tell people a thing sucks and not get advice in exchange. I want acceptance. I don't want to be told how to change, what I can do to "make things easier", or that I am being "annoying". I want to feel heard. I want people to know I know my triggers for sensory overstimulation and if I say I can't handle something it's because I am 35 years in to my autistic existence and I know myself really well. I don't want to be told "it's not that bad". I just want people to listen and be compassionate. I want my stims in society to be accepted without being told how weird my hand movements are. I want to flap in public without the weird stares. I want to say something is sensory hell for me without hearing that bright lights don't bother most people. I am not most people. I never will be. I want me as I am to just be without other people trying to change me. I want people to stop making fun of me when I don't get jokes. I want people to stop judging me for taking things literally. I don't want to be tolerated. I want my existence to be a barely noticed blip in a crowd. I want to be accepted.

[Edax]

I get that friendships are two-way, but I can't always be the one to initiate conversation. Yet it always feels like that.

I can only speak for myself, whom I've self-diagnosed as having Aspergers. I'm fairly introverted and generally don't open up to strangers so I rarely, if ever initiate a conversation with people I don't know. I will do so if I know there's a common point of interest, say discussing an opinion about that Game of Thrones season, but if I don't even know if the stranger I'm with even knows about the show, I won't even try to initiate a conversation. Small talk is boring and pointless to me so I'd rather express my opinions, but I also know that's somewhat taboo when interacting with new people, so I just don't interact with new people. I know it's not healthy, but in general I just don't like being social. I know it's bad, but it's just what's natural for me.

[JackHatchet]

want people to not try to "read between the lines" when I say a thing. I want people to accept that sometimes I'm just going to be too anxious to do stuff and a lot of times that anxiety comes with a sense of not knowing what I am actually anxious about.

This is an interesting point of interest. Reading between the lines generally arises when communication isn't clear. For example if someone has anxiety, and they don't know how to communicate that to someone--it basically forces them to read between the lines to try and breach that gap in communication. It's one of those two-way street things. Where both parties have to work to meet each other in the middle--or else it can make things worse.

When it comes to the difference between acceptance and tolerance. I think it goes more into the give and take system as well. At least for me. I fully believe that any meaningful relationship, friendship, romantic, ect--requires a balance. If I have an awkward friend, who gives back in a meaningful way--I accept him for his good and his bad. But if I have a friend who doesn't contribute anything, and he's just a friend out of pity--then I merely tolerate him. However, that's not an autistic, or depression, or mental-illness specific thing. I just don't want to hang out with people who take and never give back. I tolerate that they exist, but I don't accept them into my social circles or my communities.

One of the things I've been trying to work on over the years is find ways for people to contribute back more effectively. For example, my ex with the schizophrenia couldn't hold down a job at all. Schizophrenia + social anxiety was a bad combo. So we worked diligently to find alternatives. And eventually we got her into writing fan-fiction. And eventually she became a one on one tutor for college math.

So when I meet people in-game with depression/anxiety. I try to find ways they can contribute to the FC/social circle so they can feel more accepted and less tolerated (you know what I mean). It's not always easy especially with the depression folks, because they seem to need more attention than they're able to give. I apologize for over-generalizing. Also, while I've had some hands on experiences with depression/social anxiety. I'm still new to the whole autism thing. It actually seems like a pretty cool thing for folks to get so involved with their hobbies and passions. I think there's a lot of potential to channel that into something productive.

I know it's easier to just accept people at face value, and try to force something to work, but I'm really excited and interested in more long-term life-lesson type solutions. I like the complexity of it all. I don't like the idea of everyone being judged on the same standards. I think different personality types can excel at different things. And that while we all have strengths and weaknesses--it's doubling down on our strengths that can really make us shine. I think it's terrible sad that some people feel ostracized and lonely when there has to be solutions for people to give back to society and become more desirable in social circles. Anyways, I think I got rambly too.

[JackHatchet]

Small talk is boring and pointless to me

Do you think it might be a perspective thing? For example. I find 'typing' to be boring and pointless,' but the information I learn from a conversation to be well worth the effort. I don't think anyone gets into small talk (or even typing) with those being the end-goals. I think small talk is a stepping stone to better things. And then by looking at small talk as a necessary stepping stone--do you think that might change how you view it?

Of course that probably only works if the end-goal is worthwhile. If you're not trying to make new friends, then talking to someone can seem rather pointless, lol.

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Edit: or like leveling in a video game. I don't enjoy leveling at the slightest. But I understand that it's a required stepping stone towards end-game content. If it's relatable to something like small talk. Why would someone with Autism choose to do something they might dislike like leveling a character, but would avoid small talk? Shouldn't the philosophy be the same?

Or maybe it could be that the end-game of social situation isn't as tangible as leveling a character? For example, we all know if you level a character--they'll get to 70. Where as there's never any guarantee to what will happen at the end of a conversation. Whether that relationship will blossom into a friendship or something romantic. But (for me at least) I feel that trying is the only way to ever know--so I've often pushed my way into it. I'd never level a character if I didn't get over my dislike for leveling. And I'd never had met my wife if I never gave small talk the opportunity to shine.

But again, from a personal point. If I never get to 70--I can choke it up to just being a meaningless video game. But if I never found my true-love--that'd terrify me. That's basically my reason for living. To build meaningful relationships. So often times I'll throw myself into uncomfortable situations or step out of my comfort-zone, because the fear of never knowing or never trying is absolutely massive compared to my fear of failure.

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DOUBLE EDIT!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that conflicts of interest, varied points of views, and mismatched priority systems are common human failures regardless of Autism or mental-illness. Even the most perfect of people will sometimes struggle with choices. So I think people in general are just confusing, and then mental-issues just add more complexity to the situation.

However, the end-goal of finding happiness is almost universally the same. We just have different methods for obtaining it. Where's a Matrix when we need one, lol.

[Edax]

Do you think it might be a perspective thing? For example. I find 'typing' to be boring and pointless,' but the information I learn from a conversation to be well worth the effort. I don't think anyone gets into small talk (or even typing) with those being the end-goals. I think small talk is a stepping stone to better things. And then by looking at small talk as a necessary stepping stone--do you think that might change how you view it?

As I see it, there's no information to be gained from small talk. The definition of small talk: "polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters". It's almost debatable if communication is even happening when talking small. Maybe it's just because I'm me, but I don't see it as a necessary stepping stone at all.

But if I never found my true-love--that'd terrify me.

Me personally, I don't think I could tolerate the family life. I know media constantly portrays it as bliss but I've realized it's not for everyone. Media and stories love to tell us that we'd all be happier as a duet, that people are meant to be together. In my eyes, love is two people becoming one, and dying as one. And when that days happens, it. is. agony. It's a self-transformation that I'm just not interested in.