I need help understanding different personality types!

[Ceridwenae]

. Last question for now! For those who get social anxiety and feel bad about hurting someone through broken promises or failed outings--do you guys consider methods of redemption? Ways to make it up to those people, or just drift away with sole focus on avoiding the mistake entirely?

I still don't like being lied to, and sometimes it feels like a lie when someone says they'll attend an event, or that they'll do something. And then they don't. False promise! I'm getting better at understanding that some people with social anxiety will back-out of situations, and I'm getting better at anticipating that, so I don't feel so deceived in the future. But I still really don't like being lied to. That's why I encourage the honestly. I just want a "I'll try," instead of "I'll be there." Because if they're worried about hurting my feelings by using a politicians promise (a maybe), then they'll hurt my feelings more by actually lying later, lol.

Aww, Jack. You make me want to send you internet hugs and cookies.

I think I value honesty as much as you do! So I wouldn't make you a promise I couldn't keep. That said, it could be part of the problem when a person feels they can't say no (I used to be like this and it's gotten me into no end of bother) - if you've got such wonderful exuberance for, let's say running an extreme trial over and over and over to get a specific shiny, the anxious individual might also want this, but the constant attempts and the constant interactions it requires will be very tiring - it may even affect performance of the already anxious person, which then sucks for everyone. It's not that they want to let you down, it's just they've given what they can for that time, and now it's time to shut if all off and have peace away from it.

I have this with my husband to some extent: when he can be bothered to play, he tanks and will just constantly be in dungeons. He's awesome. I can do the roulettes with him, and that's about it. No more. Also, he gets all that juicy tank AIN bonus, the troll. And he's my husband and I love him to bits, but it takes so very much out of me to play so much in a row! I love that he can pull me through stuff I'd otherwise avoid, but he does not take it personally when he can see I'm starting to lag physically and mentally, and say I'm done. At the same time, I still feel I'm letting him down a bit because I've nagged at him to play the game more in first place! But we know how we each work, and we just adapt ourselves around it. Plus I'll make him cake and cups of tea in my game downtime (I like baking and lots of cups of tea!). He's happy, and really, so am I.

So, if you're doing stuff with people who have some kind of social anxiety, chances are they really don't want to hurt you. They just can't do it at the same pace, or if they do, it's in a much shorter time frame. If you were with them in person, and spent enough time, you might be able to pick up on when they start to flag. But you have to show you're open in a gentle way. Sometimes people who are quite extroverted can see way too much to handle, even if they're lovely people. I love the enthusiasm and the positivity, but sometimes it's so draining to be around. It's so loud and all I'd be wanting is peace, calm, tranquillity. And you don't mean to be like that or have that effect, but that's just how it is. It makes me think a bit of Tigger and Eeyore, though Eeyore's likely more depressed than socially anxious.

Please also note that anxiety is not rational, those of us with it know it's not rational, and that makes it doubly more difficult to deal with what others might consider every day normal stuff. It can also hit out of nowhere, but still, people will vary. Someone might have every intention of coming along to your event, but boom! they're hit with crippling anxiety and they're suddenly unable to come. They've not lied to you about wanting to come to the event, they really really wanted to, but a condition which is out of their control is being, shall we say, problematic in that one moment. They may be embarrassed to tell you this, so you might get some fluff reason. But it's not about you in that case.

It may be about you if you come across too strongly to the anxious person. For example, the other day, when you replied to my post and told me about falling under the thin skin thing: if you've done that to other socially anxious people, yeah, they may well run a mile from you. Your extrovert, dominant behaviour may be too much of a stimulus for the anxious person, who just wants a quiet space or calmness and no judging. It could cause them to retreat, and because they don't want to offend you, they won't tell you it is actually you at fault in that case - though you being yourself is not a fault - and so you get a what is effectively a lie. They will feel horrible for lying most likely, too.

So what you can do, if you wish to, is tone yourself down a little for those individuals. They will, if you let them, tone up a bit too, but it's probably difficult for both of you, and you could have some really rough days. Examine your own behaviour, and do a little mental role play putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Figure in the fact that socially anxious people need their space, and probably a lot more than you'd reckon on, so it's not that they want or need daily contact. Then follow that with sometimes friendship will still end up being one-sided, perhaps you're just not fated to be friends with that other person anyway, it's musical differences and we naturally have less friends as we grow older anyway. That's just how it is. You know, if you think someone is drifting away from you, maybe let them know you've recognised they need their space, and that your door is always open to them. I have friends I don't speak to for years, not least because I now live in a different country. They've known what I am for much longer than I have, bless them. I can write to them tomorrow, and it would be like no time has passed.

Oh, holy hell, I've gone and written too much again.