I need help understanding different personality types!

[JackHatchet]

Ok, so I've seen a few posts about people with autism. And I've met a few people here and there. But despite being around these folks for years--I still feel like I'm missing something completely.

I don't understand how people will claim they don't belong. They don't fit, or they suffer with social interactions. And I want to know from people with autism how I'm handling the situation.

As I've said, I've interacted with a few autistic people in the past. They'll tell me that society doesn't get them. And I respond saying something like "As long as you're not lying to me, we're all cool!" Then we kinda drift apart. As far as I'm aware, I'm not doing anything to push these people away. But I'm also not entirely sure why they say society is against them. I give them tolerance--and they float away anyways.

Are they looking for some kind of response from me beyond tolerance? I'm not really a coddling person. I'm really just a chill laid back person. I do my thing. You do your thing, and I won't judge as long as you're not trashing my thing.

I guess it just feels unfair when I get lumped into the "society hates me" group, when I feel like I try to be very accommodating with mental-illness and such.

[JackHatchet]

I get that friendships are two-way, but I can't always be the one to initiate conversation. Yet it always feels like that.

[Edax]

I get that friendships are two-way, but I can't always be the one to initiate conversation. Yet it always feels like that.

I can only speak for myself, whom I've self-diagnosed as having Aspergers. I'm fairly introverted and generally don't open up to strangers so I rarely, if ever initiate a conversation with people I don't know. I will do so if I know there's a common point of interest, say discussing an opinion about that Game of Thrones season, but if I don't even know if the stranger I'm with even knows about the show, I won't even try to initiate a conversation. Small talk is boring and pointless to me so I'd rather express my opinions, but I also know that's somewhat taboo when interacting with new people, so I just don't interact with new people. I know it's not healthy, but in general I just don't like being social. I know it's bad, but it's just what's natural for me.

[JackHatchet]

Small talk is boring and pointless to me

Do you think it might be a perspective thing? For example. I find 'typing' to be boring and pointless,' but the information I learn from a conversation to be well worth the effort. I don't think anyone gets into small talk (or even typing) with those being the end-goals. I think small talk is a stepping stone to better things. And then by looking at small talk as a necessary stepping stone--do you think that might change how you view it?

Of course that probably only works if the end-goal is worthwhile. If you're not trying to make new friends, then talking to someone can seem rather pointless, lol.

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Edit: or like leveling in a video game. I don't enjoy leveling at the slightest. But I understand that it's a required stepping stone towards end-game content. If it's relatable to something like small talk. Why would someone with Autism choose to do something they might dislike like leveling a character, but would avoid small talk? Shouldn't the philosophy be the same?

Or maybe it could be that the end-game of social situation isn't as tangible as leveling a character? For example, we all know if you level a character--they'll get to 70. Where as there's never any guarantee to what will happen at the end of a conversation. Whether that relationship will blossom into a friendship or something romantic. But (for me at least) I feel that trying is the only way to ever know--so I've often pushed my way into it. I'd never level a character if I didn't get over my dislike for leveling. And I'd never had met my wife if I never gave small talk the opportunity to shine.

But again, from a personal point. If I never get to 70--I can choke it up to just being a meaningless video game. But if I never found my true-love--that'd terrify me. That's basically my reason for living. To build meaningful relationships. So often times I'll throw myself into uncomfortable situations or step out of my comfort-zone, because the fear of never knowing or never trying is absolutely massive compared to my fear of failure.

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DOUBLE EDIT!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that conflicts of interest, varied points of views, and mismatched priority systems are common human failures regardless of Autism or mental-illness. Even the most perfect of people will sometimes struggle with choices. So I think people in general are just confusing, and then mental-issues just add more complexity to the situation.

However, the end-goal of finding happiness is almost universally the same. We just have different methods for obtaining it. Where's a Matrix when we need one, lol.

[Edax]

Do you think it might be a perspective thing? For example. I find 'typing' to be boring and pointless,' but the information I learn from a conversation to be well worth the effort. I don't think anyone gets into small talk (or even typing) with those being the end-goals. I think small talk is a stepping stone to better things. And then by looking at small talk as a necessary stepping stone--do you think that might change how you view it?

As I see it, there's no information to be gained from small talk. The definition of small talk: "polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters". It's almost debatable if communication is even happening when talking small. Maybe it's just because I'm me, but I don't see it as a necessary stepping stone at all.

But if I never found my true-love--that'd terrify me.

Me personally, I don't think I could tolerate the family life. I know media constantly portrays it as bliss but I've realized it's not for everyone. Media and stories love to tell us that we'd all be happier as a duet, that people are meant to be together. In my eyes, love is two people becoming one, and dying as one. And when that days happens, it. is. agony. It's a self-transformation that I'm just not interested in.

[Dzian]

Do you think it might be a perspective thing? For example. I find 'typing' to be boring and pointless,' but the information I learn from a conversation to be well worth the effort. I don't think anyone gets into small talk (or even typing) with those being the end-goals. I think small talk is a stepping stone to better things. And then by looking at small talk as a necessary stepping stone--do you think that might change how you view it?

I might sound harsh here. but personally i think it varies massively with the subject matter of said small talk so to speak. If someone says "hey did you see the football? or some soap opera / Britains got talent style tv show" i almost immediately zone out and lose interest. that kind of thing is incredibly low on the intellectual scale. other things i can chat about for hours.

The guy who at the desk next to me at work is doing a degree in theology and religious studies and yet while its not exactly my cup of tea and would have generally considered myself aethiest as i'm not really a religious guy we can sit there and discuss things for hours.

the other day we were discussing Jehovahs witnesses and a belief in a world of "all good" and i made the opinion that such a world can not exist. if you take away evil. good isn't good anymore its just normal because it loses it comparative value. or at one point the creation of the world. genesis vs science and the big bang.. i'm big on science especially physics but made the theory "that what if both are true??"

Whos to say God didn't spend 6 days doing scientific calculations and on the 7th day sat back with a beer and watched the fireworks as the universe was created?... Anyway at some point over the course of the conversation he said he didnt think aethiest was the correct word for me and that i was agnostic. and then when he went on to explain the difference I could see his point. (wow i've learned something)

it's still all kind of small talk but it's on a much higher level of intelligence than "britains got talent" or is it "american idol" over there? things like that i just don't find engaging. and I generally won't drop to that level of intellect.. maybe thats a harsh thing to say or sounds like i consider myself superior but thats not really the case, as i would generally consider myself the apprentice when talking with that guy i mentioned at work. "what will you teach me today master?"

hope this makes some degree of sense as one of my issues is I'm highly intelligent my IQ is way up 173!! sky high. but articulating my thoughts into words that make sense without losing focus of the point is never easy as there's an almost infinite amount of random side thoughts.. like with my earlier comment about got doing the science and then watching the fireworks. i get distracted with tons of thoughts such as did he take as fusion approach or how did he account for entropy, how many attempts did it take him to get it right? maybe that explains the parralel universe theory??? and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee there goes my focus...

Edit:-
This makes things difficult as i'm currently studying physics and repeatedly get told by my tutor i'm over thinking things and going into to much detail losing track of the question i'm meant to be answering.. which is affecting my grades,
need more focus....

[Amariel34]

This is just me, but it's not so much that I "drift away" from people. It's more that I really really suck at small talk. Unless I have something to say or talk about, I don't talk with people. Small talk is hard for me as most of the time I just don't care for it.

Also, in general, people with autism find conversing hard. We tend to not grasp social norms or non-verbal cues. We can ramble on and on and not realize the other person has tuned out or wants us to shut up. We tend to "over share" information. Subtlety is hard to grasp, as can be sarcasm. Our brains work and process stuff differently than those without autism, which is why we're seen as "weird." This causes us to be ostracized from others and, most of the time, bullied in school. Most of us WANT to make friends, we just find it very hard to. And that's not even including the emotional/mental stuff that can come with it, which I won't get in to.

Anyway, I'll hush up for now. Autism is different from person to person, but this is how it is for me. Others may be different.

[JackHatchet]

This is just me, but it's not so much that I "drift away" from people. It's more that I really really suck at small talk. Unless I have something to say or talk about, I don't talk with people. Small talk is hard for me as most of the time I just don't care for it.

Also, in general, people with autism find conversing hard. We tend to not grasp social norms or non-verbal cues. We can ramble on and on and not realize the other person has tuned out or wants us to shut up. We tend to "over share" information. Subtlety is hard to grasp, as can be sarcasm. Our brains work and process stuff differently than those without autism, which is why we're seen as "weird." This causes us to be ostracized from others and, most of the time, bullied in school. Most of us WANT to make friends, we just find it very hard to. And that's not even including the emotional/mental stuff that can come with it, which I won't get in to.

Anyway, I'll hush up for now. Autism is different from person to person, but this is how it is for me. Others may be different.

What's the difference between small talk and over-sharing? I guess to me all talk is talk.

[Amariel34]

What's the difference between small talk and over-sharing? I guess to me all talk is talk.

Small talk would be like the weather, the other person talking about their kids, etc. Just mundane everyday stuff.

Over-sharing would be things like talking about our personal problems, personal health issues, etc. Usually when the other person didn't even ask to know and usually with a lot of details. xD

[JackHatchet]

Small talk would be like the weather, the other person talking about their kids, etc. Just mundane everyday stuff.

Over-sharing would be things like talking about our personal problems, personal health issues, etc. Usually when the other person didn't even ask to know and usually with a lot of details. xD

I have to admit. I'm still confused! What's the difference between one person's kids, or one person's health issues? Aren't those both personal issues? I mean, kids are a big part of someone's life. They're not just a fluff topic like the weather. Is there a possible disconnect between discerning where the line is between fluff and personal?