I need help understanding different personality types!

[JackHatchet]

Hello hello! Been some interesting questions and comments going on here, and as I have been trained to be an advocate, I must answer these calls and teach more info!

I have another question!

I noticed with depression. Or the people around me who have depression. Couples where both people with depression end up being a massive negative spiral downward. Where one person needs help, and the other person needs help too. So they both make it worse for each other. Where as in more normal relationships (sorry, I don't have a better word). Couples tend to balance it out better. When one is weak--the other one tends to be stronger, and they compensate and balance out. If John is having a bad day--then Jane can overexert herself a bit to compensate, and vice versa. But with depression, I've seen a few times where if Joe is having a bad day--Jane is constantly depressed and is never able to be strong when Joe needs it, and it always seems like a massive drag. Very very rarely have I seen double-depression couples where they actually counter-balance really well. That one would always be on a high when the other is low, and they rotated in a healthy way.

So my question to you! Do double-autism couples struggle to mesh. Or would autistic people have a stronger understanding of other autistic people and share a stronger form of empathy?

One of the things I'm trying to understand still, is that I hear a lot how Autistic people drift into their own worlds, or they become incredibly dedicated to their hobbies, or such. Basically, that they can be incredibly selfish. Are they able to counter balance that? Would two autistic people get along together well, or would they always be too demanding of the other and feel drained?

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I know that sounded kinda off-topic. I know my ex struggled with a lot of mental-illnesses, and a big hurdle we struggled with was finding balance. The right give and take. Not only between us as a couple, but also between us and the world. Finding a balance between what we can reasonable demand from society, while also counterbalancing it with what we can give back.

Now what you said is absolutely true about a lot of Autistic (and schizophrenics) becoming incredibly intelligent people who give back to society through science. But what are some of the values they can give back socially for those who don't have a scientific inclination?

[Barraind]

I have to admit. I'm still confused! What's the difference between one person's kids, or one person's health issues?

Small talk: Hey, how are you (i'm ok, how are you?), hows the family (they're fine, ones starting kindergarten this year and the other just graduated. We should have spaced them better, haha), nice weather we're having (its already a really hot summer and its only june).

Oversharing: I have these odd stomach cramps that are usually okay, but man every now and then i double over in pain and then i have to take a giant dump where it feels like im giving birth out my butt for 20 minutes straight until I can finally walk normally again. I think my dog passed out from having to smell it last time too, I think im probably rotting inside. I went to the doctor and he said it might be related to the hemorrhoids I never got treated, but as i dont have the money for surgery because of the 4 kids all needing braces and scuba lessons, I figured it couldnt be THIS bad, you know? But its getting hard to sit on anything without 3 pillows and a special donut ring

[Wilford111]

I think it's much more of the fact you are clearly belittling the discrimination and societal hardship autistic people face.

Shame on you for assuming that that is what OP is doing.

[Nedkel]

They should stop sharing their story with strangers on the internet, so healthy ones will stop judging them over their disability and not ostracise them because of it.

That way if they experience something bad from people it will not be as bad as thinking that someone is hostile to them because of their autism which they told him about.
People take internet too seriously, you supposed to be anonymous here and just troll around.

[Solarra]

They should stop sharing their story with strangers on the internet, so healthy ones will stop judging them over their disability and not ostracise them because of it.

Terrible advice. Yes, people should be careful who they confide in, but I don't feel someone on the spectrum, or with any other disability, should feel obliged to say nothing and just hope nobody notices. Hiding who you are just to fit in isn't healthy for anyone (and that's assuming you succeed).
People with disabilities are as much a part of our community as those without and people need to accept that.

[NoirRen]

People with disabilities are as much a part of our community as those without and people need to accept that.

Yes they are a part of a community. And no, noone is obliged to accept that.

[Nedkel]

Terrible advice. Yes, people should be careful who they confide in, but I don't feel someone on the spectrum, or with any other disability, should feel obliged to say nothing and just hope nobody notices. Hiding who you are just to fit in isn't healthy for anyone (and that's assuming you succeed).
People with disabilities are as much a part of our community as those without and people need to accept that.

The thing is, if we are speaking about the internet as a whole, there are many different cultures around the europe/NA/world that tend to accept or not accept people with disabilities at all.
Not all nations are as kind and accepting as the west, a lot of players will cut themselves off from someone with autism because they just dont like them for some reasons.
Internet is a wild place afterall, its good advice to avoid telling strangers about disability, a person with autism or some other kind of mental illness could be abused easily by someone with dark intentions online.
Telling them to be wide open on the internet is asking for trouble.

[AngelCheese77]

They should stop sharing their story with strangers on the internet, so healthy ones will stop judging them over their disability and not ostracise them because of it.

Yes they are a part of a community. And no, noone is obliged to accept that.

Wow, case in point here. Non accepting person. An example of someone who can't accept those who are different than them.

Question! If people with autism are really good at doing homework/research/study. Is it possible for someone to devote the time into studying social interaction? Like, I get that it's difficult to pick it up 'naturally,' but could it be learned through intense study? And then the follow-up to that question is. Does that 'intense study' phase only apply to a subject the person is passionate about?

If started early enough I don't see why not. Sadly with my husbnad, his mother took the "medicate until no one notices" approach. He's 45 now .. only learned about his Spectrum diagnosis at 43. His family never taught him about it or how to work with it. They covered it up behind medication so he looked and acted "normal".

For those who get social anxiety and feel bad about hurting someone through broken promises or failed outings--do you guys consider methods of redemption? Ways to make it up to those people, or just drift away with sole focus on avoiding the mistake entirely?

I drift away, then beat myself up years later after the fact when I can't do anything about it.

Now, my husband does tell people he has Aspergers/Spectrum Disorder. Why? See case in point on medication. He also finds it helps to explain why he did X thing or Y thing, and why his wife (me) stepped up and gently said something to him.

[JackHatchet]

Dang, there are some good responses while I was at work today. I'm impressed!

I guess my thing with small talk, is that I tend to view small talk as anything that's not 'objective' based. For example. Talking business, setting up a raid night, or dealing with FC management isn't small talk, because communication is just a means to an end. It's an important part of the process.

So to me, small talk is basically any form of talk that's not relevant to doing something. Talking about the weather. Talking about kids. Talking about someone's personal life. Talking about someone's health issues could easily just be small talk. It's just talk to fill the time. Unless you're talking personal problems trying to find a solution to a problem--then it's like business talk! I guess that's confusing, lol.

So my next question is. For those who dislike small talk. Do you bring it up when someone tries to have small talk? Do you mention that you don't get it or understand it? Do you try to explain your position, or do you just tend to ignore someone or blow off the conversation with as few words as possible? I think that's kind of something that would feel like 'lying to me' in a way? If someone wanted to be social. And I reach out, and they don't like small talk, but they don't tell me. But blow me off or act very dismissive. And when asked why they're dimissive--they're elusive. I feel like that's deception. And I don't like it. I like it when people are honest. I can help overcome obstacles if I know what the obstacles are.

Small talk is often used to just get a feeling of the situation. But if one person is being deceptive--it can make reading the situation a billion times harder. Which is why I tend to be incredibly adamant about the importance of honesty. I mentioned my ex with schizoprhenia a few times in this post (and another). And one of her biggest issues was that she has 'southern pride' which meant she'd often be deceptive in showing her concerns, because she was embarrassed. And while it can sometimes be possible to 'guess' when someone has anxiety and/or embarassed, or other social difficulties--I think it's incredibly unfair to rely on the other person to make those assumptions when forcing someone to make assumptions is like leading them to a minefield. Sometimes you get it right, but way too often it ends up making things worse. Which is why I get that some people distance themselves from those kinds of situations.

So I want to learn how to breach the gap with some of these people, so that they don't feel so isolated. But I struggle in the 'how.'

[Iscah]

mental-illness

You've used the phrase "mental illness" to refer to autism a few times through this thread, but it's important to know that it's not really the right way to be describing it. An illness suggests something that is affecting the person and needs to be cured so they can get better. Autism is an inherent part of a person's personality, and not even necessarily disabling.

I have Asperger's. It's part of me and how I think. If you could somehow turn it off, I wouldn't be quite the same person any more.

There are 2 types of autism from what I know. Speaking and Intelligence. For example, a neighbor of my sister in law has 2 sons. Both with autism. One does not speak, just using grunts and hand gestures. The other speaks but is still very "childlike" in intelligence, speaking out and saying inappropriate things.

That's essentially (at a child level, at least) the difference that used to be made between "autism" (the non-communicative type) and "Asperger's Syndrome" (better-functioning but doesn't get social skills), though classification has changed and it's all labeled autism now.

Asperger's people just don't naturally "get" social skills in the same way most people do. Things have to be explained to them, and they have to actively learn what others naturally pick up: Make eye contact. Ask people how they are. Don't interrupt people when they're talking, even if you really want to say something.

That's the important thing. Helping them learn how they need to behave, because they're not necessarily going to work it out for themselves.

I don't think people mentioning that they're autistic is a burden. However, I'll admit that when people say "I tend to conflict with my community." It causes me to raise an eye-brow. "why is that?" And to me. I just don't see it. Like I said. I've played with a few autistic people. In FC, or in my static, or just folks I run maps with regularly. But I don't see any of the negativity. So when you say there's discrimination--I don't follow. I'll admit that when they first approached me and said "hey, things might be sketchy" that I was concerned. But through the follow-up--I never found any of those concerns to be validated.

I feel like the understanding of autism is shifting, and not necessarily in a good way. It's why I argued in that other (thoroughly more bitter) conversation that it's a bad thing that "autistic" is being used as a generalised insult - the real meaning of the term gets lost, and people start to think that it's a term for people who are antisocial and don't get along well with others. (And then possibly they self-diagnose as what they think is autistic, without really understanding it, and spread the impression further by telling everyone they've got it.)

Of course you can't go demanding proof that someone has clinically-diagnosed autism and hasn't just self-diagnosed off the Internet. But if someone just insists "I can't help being antisocial and not getting along with people because I have Asperger's"... that's not true at all. It makes it harder, but it's still up to you, your personality and how you choose to treat people. It just takes more active work.


Bonus question to others reading this: if you have Aspergers/autism, do you tell people? Personally I wouldn't ever bring it up unless it's relevant or I was directly asked. I'd rather stay quiet than make a big deal of it. Obviously I can't judge everyone's behaviour off mine, but I get a gut feeling that maybe the people who are eager to announce they have it might be the ones who don't really understand what it is.


Also, on realising whether people have it or not - when you're on an Internet forum you're going to be missing a lot of the cues that might mark someone as autistic: lack of eye contact, perhaps an odd way of speaking, talks at length on their favourite subject and misses your subtle clues that you're not interested... none of that applies here, and the awkwardness of social interaction doesn't carry over to carefully-thought-out text.

I think what bothers me the most is when the two issues you mentioned are combined. I don't like when people say "everyone hates me,' but will refuse to initiate conversation with me. Even if I start with some small-talk. It just kinda dissipates into a non-conversation. I don't hate anyone. I'll talk about anything. I'm a social butterfly extrovert.

I guess my thing with small talk, is that I tend to view small talk as anything that's not 'objective' based. For example. Talking business, setting up a raid night, or dealing with FC management isn't small talk, because communication is just a means to an end. It's an important part of the process.

So to me, small talk is basically any form of talk that's not relevant to doing something. Talking about the weather. Talking about kids. Talking about someone's personal life. Talking about someone's health issues could easily just be small talk. It's just talk to fill the time. Unless you're talking personal problems trying to find a solution to a problem--then it's like business talk! I guess that's confusing, lol.

What sort of "small talk" are you trying to start with? Being asked to talk about myself to a stranger is awkward, and I'd most likely give minimal answers hoping you'll move onto something else - and I won't ask the same questions back to you, because (1) I feel funny asking people questions like that, especially when I'm not really interested in the answer, and (2) having asked that, I either have to remember it for next time, or risk looking rude because I asked and then didn't remember. (My mum asks those sorts of questions. I think she remembers everyone's answers in the same brain space that mine uses for memorising game information.)

Talk about something specific that interests them, and they might be more willing to engage. And don't expect them to want to have a one-on-one conversation "just because" - if this is within the game, and it's someone in your FC, just make sure they're included and have the chance to join in on conversations if they want. If it's a real-world friend, much the same applies - make them part of the group, but don't expect them to directly engage in conversation if they don't want to. Let them join in when they have something to say and feel comfortable doing so. (Don't avoid talking to them, just don't feel like you have to for the sake of filling up a silence.)

If the conversation is about something they're interested in or knowledgable about, they're likely to join in and contribute. They can be excellent sources of knowledge about the game, or whatever else is their topic of interest, and may be eager to help explain things to people if asked. They just need the right kind of opportunity to join in.