Is my character-sheet lore friendly/good?

[Princess_Cassandra]

Wow, thank you Iscah so much for the enormous amount of feedback...and I'm sorry for the many failings in my writing... I'm going to try using all your advice and critique to fix this.

How much do you want me to nitpick? Because I do that probably more than I should.

I appreciate the nitpicking. It might be painful but I want to make this the best it could be.

My instant thought here was that it didn't sound correct and that the roleplayers' page might be stating their own impression as fact, but actually I think you've just misread it. It's optional, not required.

Ahhh ok, thanks for clearing that up.

I think this is supposed to be where you put "single child, stepdaughter to Ishgardian noble" etc.... but I don't know how other people normally fill out these. Also "illegitimate" doesn't seem like quite the right word? It's probably technically correct, but to me it seems like a term you'd only use to describe a blood relative of the Vayssieres, not just an adoptee.

Yes you are right, I think Illegitimate gives off the wrong idea.

1. As a travelling adventurer, where is she hoarding them?

2. If she is desperately saving what gil she can to rescue her poor mother, why is she hoarding them and not selling them?

These are good questions... 1. I haven't exactly figured that out yet but I would like the answer to lie with the free company she decides to join. I intend to buy a room at the guild headquarters so hopefully she can store things there. (I’m not sure how guild property works but my friend is in one where members can buy personal rooms.)

2. I was thinking that she has saved the few that Fleurent may have bought for her over the years. I think I need to completely rework Kira’s situation after the displacement because you're right, she is a capable healer and I was considering making her an alt one day.

But what really sticks out (pun not intended!) is the bit about her tail. How do you hide a tail inside plate armour? Where actually is it? Don't forget a tail is a solid body part with bones in it, and limits on how it can move. You can't just bend it into whatever shape you like.

Haha, that is true. Honestly I need to actually research this a bit more, I kind of just asked some friends and they told me it was ok. Right now I was thinking of her wrapping her tail around her waist but I’m not sure if that is feasible.

And a related thing that's skimmed over by the game the way works with equipment.... did Lana actually get her helmet modified to fit her cat ears, or is she still wearing it as it was, other than presumably with some internal padding?

She had her helmet modified for now..but internal padding interests me.

When she deems appropriate"? That doesn't make her sound like a nice person, it makes her sound like a calculating one who pretends to be nice so people will like her.

I added when she deems appropriate because i want her to be noticeably less sweet when she is armoured up, especially during a conflict. Maybe I should try to clarify that.

I feel like these sound like opposite attributes. Different aspects at different times perhaps, but in the bare-bones description they don't really seem to fit together.

It is the same concept of her putting out a different demeanor depending on whether she is knighting around or not.

Who? Why? I think you need to mention this Lord Tristan somewhere in the main text and explain why it is a goal for her, instead of bringing it up out of nowhere at the very end.

You have a good point.

History page definitely needs a lot more paragraph breaks for easier reading. It's rather "wall of text" at this point and I'm finding it very hard to keep track of where I am in the paragraph. Break it up more by each idea, or each action in a scene. Maybe think of it like how a film would be broken up by different shots and camera angles.

It's also really, really long and could do with a short summary version. Strip out the long descriptions and give the simplest versions of the events. "Lana grew up in a small community on the edge of the Black Shroud. She and her mother were forced to flee into Thanalan after the Calamity, where they were saved from an Amalj'aa ambush by a passing knight: Ser Fleurent de Vayssière, a hero of the Battle of Carteneau" ...and so on, or whatever you judge to be the critical information.

I’ll try to break up many of the paragraphs, add line breaks and rephrase all the things you have mentioned. Maybe it would be best if I had a short summary and then the long extended backstory that is more optional to read.

Take note of actual Keeper traditions - they're very different to the Seeker tribes we learn about in the MSQ. It's normal and culturally expected that males will be wanderers who apparently aren't even counted as part of the family, because they don't stay to be part of it. They will mate with females and move on.

The intent of Lana’s remark was to show how she doesn’t fully understand and/or agree with that part of Keeper culture.

Also, so you know, from your forum character display it seems you've given your character a male name by official naming conventions... but you're not using the 'sae part for your roleplaying profile so maybe you already know that.

Aha errrr yeah I am waiting to get a name change soon!

And you said Lana is 20 years old. The Calamity was five years ago - which makes her a bit old to be a "child grabbed by the arm" at that point...

Yeah this is an important point however when I looked into it, this seems like a pretty big controversy. The RPers I have questioned about this tell me they RP 10 years passing but maybe they do not represent the majority. Overall the current “time bubble” seems very vague to me, I know that a huge majority of the game all takes place within a year canonically but I thought this was only until around Heavensward or maybe even just until the end of the post ARR questline.(correct me if I am mistaken) I also read somewhere that an NPC in Othard mentions a 2 year time gap. I am currently using a 7-10 year gap but trying my best to avoid using specific dates. Lana should be around 10-12 years old at the starting point which should make her very much a child.

I really can't follow any of the action, it's just one big blob. I don't know who's speaking without having to find the right "he said" part in the middle of the block and then go back to where I was reading.

I’ll rewrite these parts soon!

I don't want to be rude, but I'm really trying to read this all to answer you properly, and I can't get through it. So for anyone else who wants to roleplay with you, having to filter all of it to understand your character and background, it well may either get ignored or put people off.

I understand, I need to create a better summary that is easier to take in. I hope that with much rewriting I can make this less of a hassle to read.

Thanks a bunch for the help so far, I’ll begin with editing those phrases you included. its safe to assume all the other things from your post that I didn't mention are things i'll be trying to fix as well.