Is my character-sheet lore friendly/good?

**Princess_Cassandra** · 12-10-2018 01:48 AM

~~I'm so happy to finally finish a little project I have been working on for the past several weeks, Lana's character sheet.~~ I've quickly became a fan of FFXIV's lore and also happen to find the opinions of others very valuable but unfortunately, I have yet to make more than a few fellow lore enthusiast friends. Once more I would like to turn to these kind forums one last time for some reassurance and/or healthy dose of tough love!

This is a bit of a sequel to my original thread asking whether or not my initial Ishgardian concept was lore friendly. All in all i got some amazing feedback and I tried my best to incorporate a lot of what I learned into my project at some point or another. Due to avoiding unnecessary confusion because of some things I changed, I decided maybe it would be more beneficial if I made this thread instead of necro-ing the old one. I wasn't 100% sure so I went with this for the sake of clarity, sincere apologies if that was an error.

~~Does my character work and did I make any lore mistakes? And if you would be so kind, is it written well enough?~~ p.s. still waiting for the glacial coat

Edit: Under Heavy Construction, Rewriting

**Axl** · 12-10-2018 02:25 AM

The main thing I noticed is the mention of this character Lord Tristan of House Gisoreux, which I assume to be a reference to the character of the same name from Warhammer. I am currently at work and do not have access to my lorebook, so I could be wrong but I am uncertain that any noble houses beyond the current four are extant. I caution against inventing new houses if you wish to remain truly air-tight with the lore.

I applaud the amount of work you put in to writing the background story though, it was an enjoyable read.

**Princess_Cassandra** · 12-10-2018 03:10 AM

Originally Posted by Axl

I applaud the amount of work you put in to writing the background story though, it was an enjoyable read.

Thank you, I am glad you found it enjoyable!

Originally Posted by Axl

The main thing I noticed is the mention of this character Lord Tristan of House Gisoreux, which I assume to be a reference to the character of the same name from Warhammer. I am currently at work and do not have access to my lorebook, so I could be wrong but I am uncertain that any noble houses beyond the current four are extant. I caution against inventing new houses if you wish to remain truly air-tight with the lore.

I didn't intend to directly reference Lord Tristan, truth be told I was conceptualizing his character and the name just popped into my head repetitively. I will admit though that I am fond of Warhammer fantasy and took a little inspiration, especially with Gisoreux. As for the noble houses, unless my research has yielded false information there should be many vague and scarcely known lesser houses, perfect for RP. The catch is that they must swear fealty to one of the four pillars and essentially answer to them directly.
Some links to support this would be;
1. This is a link to known minor houses: http://ffxiv-roleplayers.com/showthr...1718#pid221718
2. This is a link to player made houses for RP, some of which state the pillar that they have sworn fealty to. https://ffxiv-roleplayers.com/showthread.php?tid=12719
I really should decide and add which pillar Houses Gisoreux and Montessier have sworn to.

**RomildaRayne** · 12-11-2018 12:02 AM

Originally Posted by Axl

The main thing I noticed is the mention of this character Lord Tristan of House Gisoreux, which I assume to be a reference to the character of the same name from Warhammer. I am currently at work and do not have access to my lorebook, so I could be wrong but I am uncertain that any noble houses beyond the current four are extant. I caution against inventing new houses if you wish to remain truly air-tight with the lore.

I applaud the amount of work you put in to writing the background story though, it was an enjoyable read.

There definitely are more than four Ishgardian noble houses. There are only four High Houses. That does not account for the likes of House Borel and House Valentione, for example.

**Iscah** · 12-11-2018 04:00 AM

Originally Posted by Princess_Cassandra

As for the noble houses, unless my research has yielded false information there should be many vague and scarcely known lesser houses, perfect for RP. The catch is that they must swear fealty to one of the four pillars and essentially answer to them directly.

My instant thought here was that it didn't sound correct and that the roleplayers' page might be stating their own impression as fact, but actually I think you've just misread it. It's optional, not required.

Originally Posted by https://ffxiv-roleplayers.com/showthread.php?tid=12719

Similar to vassals, it is however possible for noble houses to pledge, be allied to or related through minor boundaries (engagements with distant relatives, mixed blood heritage, business, mentor/pupil relationships) to the High Houses.

However, the overall idea of there being lots of minor houses is correct.

Something worth noting that all the "fan-made house profiles" seem to have missed... Ishgardian Elezen are not Wildwood Elezen.

They use Wildwood models (mostly) but that's just because there's no physical difference between the two, and no need at a game level to create a separate clan. Lorewise the Ishgardian and Gelmorran (Gridanian) Elezen are an older split than the Wildwoods and Duskwights who have both come out of the Gelmorran civilisation.

A few characters do have Duskwight models - eg. Ysayle, Grinnaux de Dzemael and (curiously) Count Edmont but not the rest of his family. The Durendaires look like they'd be Duskwights, but they're not. It could well be just on design choice: Grinnaux has a scar that's only available on that Duskwight model; Carvallain and Jannequinard have the ear clasps only available on Wildwood characters.

That page you linked to on the official houses though... well, I was meaning to reply to that with some corrections but wanted to be sure I had all my facts... and then the website moved servers and the thread was locked forever as the uncorrectable "best reference". :/

Sounsyyv's post is useful overall and gathers in some good quotes, and yet the dot point information they've compiled makes several assumptions that aren't in (or are disproved by) those quotes.

It also seems to pre-date the lorebook and doesn't have any of that information.

It's kind of off-topic and got very long, so I'll hide the explanations.

The notes for Fortemps and Haillenarte seem fine, other than misspelling Edmont's name - and not listing "Lady Ninne of House Fortemps" at Dragonhead, who gets one brief mention in MSQ and another in a levequest, but doesn't seem to be a close relative of the others.

But the others...

Originally Posted by Sounsyyv

House Durendaire, the Bell

Founder: unknown

Important People:
-(unknown Count)
-Ser Forlemont de Durendaire (brother of Count de Durendaire, heads the Observatorium)
-Carvallain de Gorgagne (Captain of the Kraken's Arms in Limsa, supposed lost heir of Durendaire)
-Lord Drillemont de Durendaire (second son, controls the Whitebrim Front and now Stone Vigil)
-Lord Jannequinard de Durendaire (third son of the Count, teaches Sharlayan Astromancy)
-Ser Yuhelmeric de Brillelame (former Lord Commander of Durendaire's Knights)
-Ser Redwald (commands Falcon's Nest)

Even before I had the lorebook (never mind the recent corrections), some of this information sounded off. They've assumed Drillemont is the second son despite nothing directly implying it - it's not a bad guess from the information they had (particularly both other Coerthan outposts being manned by sons of the House in charge), but it shouldn't have been listed as an absolute.

From the lorebook we now know that Drillemont de Lasserrant isn't even part of the family, and is nearly as old as the count.

I don't think Forlemort was ever referred to as "Ser", and was only ever noted as Jannequinard's uncle, not definitely the count's brother - he could have been married to the count's sister, or from Janne's mother's side of the family.

From Fernehalwes' corrections, Forlemort isn't even strictly Janne's uncle (=sibling of a parent) but in the loose sense that you might address any older non-grandparent relative as an uncle rather than the exact relationship.

The lorebook confirms that Carvallain is the count's son - and recently corrected to be his only son. Apparently owing to a mistranslation of Jannequinard being "third in line" as being the count's third son, but he is actually the count's nephew. Another (unseen, un-named) nephew is second-but-essentially-first in line.

* "Carvallain" may not be the name of the count's son, technically - we know his surname is an alias (Ser Gorgagne was the knight in charge of looking after the boy at the point when he vanished) and it's likely that his forename is as well.

Bonus family listing from Fernehalwes: "Lord Portelaine (stationed at the Observatory) is a (low ranking) member of House Durendaire and distant relative to Jannequinard (most likely through marriage)."

From the lorebook, we additionally know the founder is Guenriol de Durendaire (the lorebook does say "Geunriol" but I think it's a typo, since we've seen the name spelt the other way in-game) and the current count is named Charlemend.

Originally Posted by Sounsyyv

House Dzemael, the Rook

Founder: Sylvetrel de Dzemael

Important People:
-(unknown current Count)
-Lord Tarresson de Dzemael (former Count)
-Baron Thieveneux de Dzemael (master of House Dzemael and wealthy patron of the Temple Knights)
-Ser Grinnaux de Dzemael (trueborn Duskwight son of Dzemael, one of the Heaven's Ward)
-Archombadin de Dzemael (trueborn Wildwood son of Dzemael)
-Lord Tedalgrinche (Lord Commander of Dzemael knights, possibly son of Dzemael?)
-Jandelaine & Guillefresne (not trueborn)

"Baron Thieveneux, master of House Dzemael"? I had to re-read the levequest description to even work out where they got that out of it, but I think it's ambiguous.

Landing the Big One
It has been said the best deals are struck during a session of fishing, and it just so happens yours truly was invited by Baron Thieveneux of House Dzemael, a staunch and wealthy patron of the temple knights to partake in such a leisure. Outside of the capital? Halone forbid! No, no, I have been invited to the manor's expansive ponds, stocked with the best and built by Dzemael hands. There is much profit to be had for the coffers from a leisure such as this, so I find myself in need of a fine cedar fishing rod...though not too fine, mind you. I would yield the fattest carp to the master of the House of Rook as I try to catch even bigger fish.

- master of the House? ...bother it, I'm going to have that song from Les Mis in my head all night again.
- the [fishing] master?
- Is the count coming on the fishing trip as well? And the leve requester is trying to catch "bigger fish" than the Baron who's already a patron?

In any case, a baron ranks lower than a count.

(I do have to wonder where in Ishgard they are managing to fit these fishing ponds, though...!)

Re. the discussion on page 2: Tarresson is a Wildwood.

Ser Grinnaux - confirmed by the lorebook to be the count's nephew. And as I said earlier, it's more likely he's "Ishgardian with a Duskwight appearance" than actually a Duskwight.

There's also the confusing phrasing "a son of House Dzemael" which seems to cover other family members and not just the direct sons of the count.

Tedalgrinche - I don't recall the title "lord commander" coming up at all. (I'm pretty sure that's strictly Aymeric's title.) It sounded unfamiliar when I first read this page a while ago, and still again after replaying the MCH quests recently.

Without reading through every quest again now, just some key ones...
- in his first appearance before being addressed by name, he's labeled as "Pretentious Noble", not a knight.
- he does seem to be in charge of Dzemael's knights, at least during the battle in western Coerthas.
- he and Stephanivien seem to have known each other a long time.

I would guess that he is part of the Dzemael family, but there's nothing clearly stated either way.

"Jandelaine & Guillefresne (not trueborn)" - either a strange misreading or a misunderstanding of the term "trueborn", which seems to simply be the opposite of "illegitimate". I think they might be using it to mean what the game actually use the term "son of House X" for.

Guillefresne's quoted dialogue just says that they're distant relatives.

Ah, but where are my manners? I am Guillefresne, of House... well, you are not like to know of us, but perhaps you do know of House Dzemael, with whom we share common ancestry.

And the list of minor houses...

Originally Posted by Sounsyyv

-Brillelame (Elezen House, Yuhelmeric de Brillelame)
-Rougecarpe (Elezen House, Ansaulme de Rougecarpe)
-Gorgagne (Elezen House, Carvallain de Gorgagne)
-Valentione (Elezen House, Countess Arabelle de Valentione)
-Bale (Midlander House, Azure Dragoon Alberic Bale)
-Jervaint (Elezen House formed backbone of Temple Knights, Baroness Laurisse de Jervaint)
-Caulignont (Elezen House, Rielle & Ystride de Caulignont)
-Bonfaurt (Wildwood Elezen, serves Dzemael)
-Maintigny (Wildwood Elezen, Crammevoix de Maintigny)
-Courcillan
-Centurio??

A band of fearless monster hunters brought together by Ser Leaudaste, the Ishgardian noble who won fame and fortune as the original monster hunter.

There's mention of a Duskwight House Nevelle, however, it traces its roots from Vylbrand, and there's no evidence that this House is Ishgardian.

I was able to find a lot more nobles in the various Disciple of Hand quests, but most don't have the surname/House names attached to them. Glenda and Gerhardt are both Hyuran Ishgardian nobles, but there's no mention of their House.

I don't think Bale should be on that list. Alberic is a knight, not a noble - as far as I'm aware. And I know I saw a quote recently that knighthoods are earned, not inherited - it might have been in one of the levequest descriptions. (EDIT: Most tellingly, he's not Alberic de Bale so it seems unlikely that he's a noble.)

Not sure where Nevelle is noted as a Duskwight house.

Glenda (the mother from the WVR quest) seems to be a noble, though perhaps could be wealthy middle-class - I'd have to re-read the quest script.

I think Gerhardt (LTW) is just a wealthy merchant.

And there are a few more houses that could go on the list, but that's for another time.

**Iscah** · 12-11-2018 04:01 AM

Originally Posted by Princess_Cassandra

Does my character work and did I make any lore mistakes? And if you would be so kind, is it written well enough?

How much do you want me to nitpick? Because I do that probably more than I should.

Generally with your writing style, I feel like the sentences are a bit long? And maybe trying to fit too many pieces of information into each one. Break up paragraphs a bit more and have a different segment of information in each one.

You used "duo" to refer to mother and daughter a few times... it's a subtle thing but that doesn't sound quite right. The word implies more of an "equal pair" to me, just as an instant reaction to reading it - and then checking a few dictionaries, the primary definition actually seems to be a pair of performers (eg. comedy duo or performing a duet) and only secondarily being a pair or couple. Which I wouldn't have thought of being the definition, but it does make sense.

I'd probably just use "pair" in that phrase instead?

Also check your spelling on Fleurent - it is misspelled "Fluerent" quite a few times through the text. To the point that I'm wondering if you have decided that's the correct spelling.

FAMILY... illegitimately Vayssière

I think this is supposed to be where you put "single child, stepdaughter to Ishgardian noble" etc.... but I don't know how other people normally fill out these. Also "illegitimate" doesn't seem like quite the right word? It's probably technically correct, but to me it seems like a term you'd only use to describe a blood relative of the Vayssieres, not just an adoptee.

Additionally, she is desperately saving any gil earnings in the hopes of financially rescuing her stranded mother from the bleak and discriminatory streets of the Brume.

Stranded how? Is she just poor? Enslaved? Too ill to go elsewhere? Why is she unable to travel with Lana?

beautiful dresses she secretly hordes

Spell check: "hoarding" - but more importantly....

1. As a travelling adventurer, where is she hoarding them?

2. If she is deperately saving what gil she can to rescue her poor mother, why is she hoarding them and not selling them?

Her venerated armor covers her entire body (Including her tail which she keeps protected within her armor (she has learned to adjust her balance)) and is a pure steel white, adorned with golden intricacies, chivalric cloth, and red (horse?) hair on the helmet.

The armour description could be worded better - at least flip the two bits of the sentence: armour is [description] and covers her whole body... but even that could be simplified. Anything like "knight's armour", "suit of armour", etc. instantly suggests it's all-covering.

Definitely drop the uncertain "(horse?)" bit - either it is, or it's not worth mentioning. "Plumed helmet" is probably better.

But what really sticks out (pun not intended!) is the bit about her tail.

How do you hide a tail inside plate armour? Where actually is it?

Don't forget a tail is a solid body part with bones in it, and limits on how it can move. You can't just bend it into whatever shape you like.

And a related thing that's skimmed over by the game the way works with equipment.... did Lana actually get her helmet modified to fit her cat ears, or is she still wearing it as it was, other than presumably with some internal padding?

Fluerent did his best to shield Lana and her mother from the common prejudices that linger throughout the Holy See but the duo still suffered a moderate amount. Because of this Lana would never have many friends, causing shy and occasionally clumsy social behaviors to develop.

What does "suffering a moderate amount" involve? It's not a really meaningful description. Suffering isn't something you measure in amounts.

How does her unspecified suffering lead to not having many friends?

And is it about the number of friends she has or the amount of contact she has with other people in general?

"Causing behaviours to develop" is an awkward sentence. Perhaps "causing her to..."? And maybe what it generally entails - accidentally rude? Says things she shouldn't? Fails at making small talk?

Likes: Earning gil and valuable "shinnies"

Should be "shinies".

Endearing - Tries to be sweet and caring when she deems appropriate

"When she deems appropriate"? That doesn't make her sound like a nice person, it makes her sound like a calculating one who pretends to be nice so people will like her.

Zealous - Can sometimes be a little extreme
...
Shy - Still inching out of her shell, but she is more than halfway there.

I feel like these sound like opposite attributes. Different aspects at different times perhaps, but in the bare-bones description they don't really seem to fit together.

(Lofty)Impress Lord Tristan and earn a place in House Gisoreux

Who? Why? I think you need to mention this Lord Tristan somewhere in the main text and explain why it is a goal for her, instead of bringing it up out of nowhere at the very end.

(And a proofreading nitpick: put a space after the end bracket)

Bring her father's murderer to justice

Stepfather?

...and just when I thought I was done, I noticed all the other tabs. Okay, so there's more information on the things I queried, but still as an introduction it's better to phrase them clearly instead of needing to read through the whole thing for that information.

[Fighting Style] This should make Lana a worthy opponent for a myriad of ne'er do wells but she is still inexperienced. She may find herself bested by more experienced veterans, man handled by larger and more powerful entities, or worse if she is not careful.

"Manhandled" needs to be one word here, and "ne'er-do-wells" needs hyphens... also I was taught that "myriad" is supposed to be used on its own rather than "a myriad of" (thus would be "for myriad ne'er-do-wells"), but I double-checked the Wikipedia article and it *seems* that both versions are acceptable.

Shield: A shield bearing righteous markings and the heraldry of House Gisoreux.

Gisoreux? Vayssière?

What are "righteous markings"?

And I would just say "crest of House X" rather than "heraldry".

History page definitely needs a lot more paragraph breaks for easier reading. It's rather "wall of text" at this point and I'm finding it very hard to keep track of where I am in the paragraph. Break it up more by each idea, or each action in a scene. Maybe think of it like how a film would be broken up by different shots and camera angles.

It's also really, really long and could do with a short summary version. Strip out the long descriptions and give the simplest versions of the events. "Lana grew up in a small community on the edge of the Black Shroud. She and her mother were forced to flee into Thanalan after the Calamity, where they were saved from an Amalj'aa ambush by a passing knight: Ser Fleurent de Vayssière, a hero of the Battle of Carteneau" ...and so on, or whatever you judge to be the critical information.

Plus the main text could also do with less 'fluff' and blow-by-blow descriptions of what happened. You're relaying the facts about your character here. If you want people to read it and understand your character, it needs to be easily readable, and usable for reference about your character. People need to be able to skim through it and spot the information they're after.

I started to write a very long response on the details of the history but only really got halfway through. Will post below.

???, Biological Father ( ■✖� ) - Wandering Tribal Womanizer
Character's Thoughts: " How could leaving your own child before even giving them a name be considered normal?"

Take note of actual Keeper traditions - they're very different to the Seeker tribes we learn about in the MSQ. It's normal and culturally expected that males will be wanderers who apparently aren't even counted as part of the family, because they don't stay to be part of it. They will mate with females and move on.

The lorebook says that "the fundamental unit of Keeper of the Moon society is the family, centred around a strong mother figure and her children" - no mention of a father.

It goes on to say that "Keepers are known to form small communities composed of two to three families who hunt together".

(Do you have the lorebook?)

Also either play or at least read the script for the Postmoogle quest "The Past is a Story We Never Tell", which is probably the best look we've had at Keeper social expectations and attitudes.

Besides that, one of the main characters in the Archer class quests is a Keeper, so there are a few fragments there but it's more about her living in Gridania and dealing with people there.

Also, so you know, from your forum character display it seems you've given your character a male name by official naming conventions... but you're not using the 'sae part for your roleplaying profile so maybe you already know that.

**Iscah** · 12-11-2018 04:02 AM

I intended to go through the whole thing paragraph by paragraph but ran out of steam halfway through. Also, please add more line breaks. I've added them in the quotes as an example.

BLOCK 1: INTRODUCTION

The story of Lana Mian's life humbly begins within an isolated tribe of Miqo'te struggling to make a living on the edge of the Shroud. Although she may be the central character, to consider this story Lana's alone would be a folly. This tale will instead be a shared narrative of Lana and the individuals who would mold her into the lady she is today.

As a little child, Lana would never see much of her biological father who had adopted the traditional life of a wanderer despite the tribe's societal progression. Lana's mother, Kira Mian, was the tribe's foremost medical expert, blessed by the elementals with restorative magics.

When the 7th Umbral Calamity inevitably brought Eorzea to her knees, the tribe was ravaged by the destructive flames that erupted across the lands. Many of the members were outright killed and their establishment was all but ruined. Before any harm could come to Lana, Kira grabbed the child by the arm and the two quickly fled the forest, narrowly escaping the chaos.

If you're embarking on telling someone's life story, it seems somewhat obvious that it will be about other people as well? Maybe skip that line and go straight into the telling. It's a lot of text to get through regardless.

"Medical expert" sounds rather modern and very unclear. Healer? Alchemist? Chirugeon? (I'm not certain but I think that might be more of a 'physical' rather than 'magical' healer role - though it does get used as a label for NPC conjurers.) and I'm sure there are other terms.

And what variety of "societal progression" are you picturing? With no other description besides "struggling tribe on the edge of the Shroud" (which edge?), I really have no idea what technology level you're picturing, or what culture you're comparing it to. Are they hunter-gatherers? A small fixed village? You probably want to describe this in your opening paragraph - after your first sentence perhaps.

And again, if you were basing it on Seeker Miqo'te tribes you may need to review that idea to Keeper comminities of a few families hunting together.

An "establishment" isn't a word you'd normally use for a village - it more implies a single building or business. Even more so combined with "members"!

And you said Lana is 20 years old. The Calamity was five years ago - which makes her a bit old to be a "child grabbed by the arm" at that point...

Also remember the world didn't simply "erupt into flames", it was set on fire by fragments of the falling moon, or Bahamut's direct attacks.

BLOCK 2: AMALJ'AA ATTACK

The duo would flee into the scorching sands of the Sultanate, undertaking a long and arduous journey through Eastern Thanalan with the intent to become another pair of hopeless refugees begging for Ul'dahn care.

Kira and Lana followed the barren desert road for what had felt like ages until suddenly, a band of vicious Amalj'aa raiders emerged in ambush. Kira's desperate pleas for help seemingly fell on empty ears as the towering beast-men slowly approached.

Moments before their large, sweaty reptilian hands could snatch the helpless Miqo'te, the savages were interrupted by the timely arrival of a mysterious figure and a fierce battle ensued. As the individual leapt off their chocobo and into the air, a beautiful intricate sword glimmered in the sky before being violently brought down on an unsuspecting raider. The blade sundered the first beast-man's skull and immediately struck fear into the others as they soon witnessed their brother's body slump to the sands and the first of today's blood drip from the man's sword.

The Amalj'aa furiously attacked what appeared to be a knight, swinging and lunging with long bladed weapons while preparing to fire enormous arrows from afar. In a great display of martial ability, the knight successfully defended himself against the incoming onslaught. He seized any openings for counter attack, hacking the heads off their weapons and plunging fatal blows when possible.

A young Lana watched in awe as the knight slew foe after foe until the rest decided to rout. Although the violence was as appalling to her as one might expect to a child of her age, the valor she saw today would inspire the lass for years to come.

When the conflict was over, Kira sincerely thanked the brave knight and politely wished to learn of her protector's name. The knight removed his helmet and introduced himself to be a handsome Ishgardian adventurer of the name Ser Fluerent de Vayssière.

When he finished greeting the troubled maiden, Fluerent violently grunted in pain, placing his hand on his waist and revealing a strange injury. Kira was puzzled at first, seeing how the heavily armored Elezen was seemingly untouchable mere moments ago, but upon further inspection she could see the burnt scars and scratches on his armor and the weariness written on his face.

Firstly, I had a go at rewording this section as an example of how you could condense things.

Originally I just crossed out the original words and left them in place, but it became unreadable so I've just put the whole thing separately.

Dark red for rewording, bright for anything I made up.

The pair fled into the scorching sands of Thanalan with the intent to seek refuge in Ul'dah.

Kira and Lana followed the barren road through the desert until they came to a small canyon. Suddenly, a band of vicious Amalj'aa raiders emerged in ambush. Kira's desperate pleas for help seemingly fell on empty ears as the towering beast-men slowly approached.

Moments before they could snatch the helpless Miqo'te, the sound of an approaching rider echoed through the canyon. A beautiful intricate sword flashed through the air as it was violently brought down on an unsuspecting raider, sundering the beast-man's skull.

Enraged by the sight of their brother's blood, the Amalj'aa furiously attacked what appeared to be a knight, swinging and lunging with long bladed weapons, and firing enormous arrows from afar. In a great display of martial ability, the knight successfully defended himself against the incoming onslaught. He seized any openings for counter attack, breaking their weapons and plunging fatal blows when possible.

A young Lana watched in awe as the knight slew foe after foe until the remants were forced to retreat. Though horrified by the violence, the valor she saw today would inspire the lass for years to come.

As the last enemies fled, Kira sincerely thanked the brave knight and ~~politely~~ wished to learn of her protector's name. The knight removed his helmet and introduced himself to be a ~~handsome~~ Ishgardian adventurer of the name Ser Fluerent de Vayssière.

Suddenly Fluerent violently grunted in pain, placing his hand on his waist and revealing a strange injury. Kira was puzzled at first, seeing how the heavily-armored Elezen seemed untouchable mere moments ago, but upon further inspection she could see the burnt scars and scratches on his armor and the weariness written on his face.

Could probably rewrite further and just have him collapse / in pain after the battle with wounds that don't match the fighting, and save introductions for later.

Still not how I'd write all of it, but I didn't want to take out everything.

There's a rather literal obstacle in the way of fleeing from the Black Shroud to Ul'dah immediately after the Calamity: the huge canyon that runs through eastern Thanalan was caused by it - presumably from the impact of the Dalamud fragment embedded in (and causing the formation of) the Burning Wall.

Additionally, Carteneau would be on the other side of the newly-formed chasm.

If you want this to play out, you're going to need to get Kira and Lana out of the Shroud and headed for central Thanalan BEFORE Dalamud explodes.

But if you can resolve that part...

"the intent to become another pair of hopeless refugees begging for Ul'dahn care"? Nobody sets out with that intent! That's just what they end up with instead of the safety they're hoping to find.

"followed the barren desert road for what had felt like ages" - not a good phrase in this sort of "reporting events" writing. Hours? All night? All day? or just leave it out and reword the sentence.

"immediately struck fear into the others" - I greatly doubt the Amalj'aa - a fierce warrior tribe, and likely tempered besides - would be struck with fear at the sight of one being killed. It would fire them up for battle.

"the knight slew foe after foe until the rest decided to rout". While the dictionary definition is a bit unclear as to whether it's acceptable usage, I have never seen 'rout' used that way. A rout is something the winner of the battle inflicts upon the loser.

BLOCK 3: SER FLEURENT / CARTENEAU

Kira's concern grew, leading her to eventually persuading the Elezen to let her try healing the wounds over night. Fluerent begrudgingly accepted her assistance and subsequently decided to rent a room at the nearest inn.

As she helped to remove his chest armor, Fleurent decided to explain the origin of his injury. The weary knight began with The Battle of Cartenaeu, where he joined the Alliance forces as part of one of the Immortal Flames' adventurer units standing against the VIIth Imperial Legion of the Garlean Empire. His voice cracked with sorrow as he described the bloodshed that followed the clashing of armies. When the moon Dalamund fell and Bahamut's wrath was unleashed upon the continent, Fluerent became separated from enemy and comrade alike before being violently thrown by a nearby explosion. His ironclad armor just barely spared him from the initial blast and any subsequent shrapnel flying his way but one of his ribs cracked upon impact, resulting in internal bleeding.

By the time he was able to stand back up on his feet the fighting was decisively over, with the soldiers from both sides fleeing for their lives as more explosions erupted across the battlefield. Fluerent was one of the last to withdraw in time to escape the carnage and decided to return to Ul'dah on his own until he encountered Kira and Lana Mian.

Why did he set out for Ul'dah alone, still injured? Why not stay with the army and be treated by the healers there?

Also I'm not sure of the exact path from Carteneau to Ul'dah but I think it may run through western Thanalan. Either that or northern/central, but it won't take him into the east.

For a 'firsthand' look at the aftermath of Carteneau, have a look at Kan-E-Senna and Merlwyb's chapters of "Tales from the Calamity".

"ironclad armor" - you can have iron armour (though steel is more likely) and the knight is 'clad in iron' while wearing it, but the armour itself is not ironclad.

BLOCK 4: HEALING

Kira and Lana were staggered by the knight's story and might have been skeptical if a similar apocalypse didn't befell their tribe not long ago. Lana's mother tried to describe the events that transpired on her and her daughter's end but broke down crying. Fluerent comforted the woman in his embrace and the trio would spend the night mourning over the losses they each witnessed.

The next day Kira put her conjury skills to the test and managed to heal Fluerent's internal wounds. The process took several days to complete but when she was finally finished Fluerent was very pleased to see himself restored to good health.

Before taking his leave, he patted Lana on the head, gave Kira a hug, and handed the woman a handsome pouch of gil to compensate. Fluerent thought himself righteous to give the lady extra money, that he did it out of sympathy for the refugee's plight but subconsciously there was another reason, one that the noble Ishgardian blood in him wasn't capable of accepting just yet...

Kira and Lana were staggered by the knight's story and might have been skeptical if a similar apocalypse didn't befell their tribe not long ago.

Spellcheck: didn't befall

But it's not a similar apocalypse. It's the same apocalypse and they've just seen it play out from different angles.

Before taking his leave, he patted Lana on the head - That sounds very... patronising. And again, what age is she supposed to be here? I think you need to mention it at the start.

Don't forget that the official tactic for dealing with dates is to ignore the X years that have obviously passed since the beginning of ARR, and give all years and ages as they were at that point. We started our journey five years after the Calamity, ended the Dragonsong War five years after the Calamity, and liberated Ala Mhigo five years after the Calamity.

BLOCK 5+: BUDDING ROMANCE

It's late and I'm tired, but the further I read into this the harder it is to follow anything. Too many details and not enough line breaks. I'm starting to skim over everything. Do I need to know about nice dresses and fancy restaurant dates that weren't even for your character? Does Ul'dah even have "restaurants"? (That did send me off to Wikipedia again - the general concept of a business selling meals has certainly been around long enough, but the term is from 18th-century France and doesn't sit well with Ul'dah's medieval-Byzantine-middle-Eastern-somethingy vibe. It seems more acceptable in Limsa.)

"House Gisoreux" again. Apparently this is Fleurent's house and hasn't been renamed along with Fleurent himself. Unless there's an explanation I've missed, I would be very confused by this.

OFF TO COERTHAS

Conversations must have a line break every time a different person begins to speak. That's not me saying what I want to see, it's a basic rule for English (and probably other languages') writing anywhere.

Also there's no need to give a detailed description of each of the three coachmen at the start - just identify them as they start to speak.

I really can't follow any of the action, it's just one big blob. I don't know who's speaking without having to find the right "he said" part in the middle of the block and then go back to where I was reading.

I don't want to be rude, but I'm really trying to read this all to answer you properly, and I can't get through it. So for anyone else who wants to roleplay with you, having to filter all of it to understand your character and background, it well may either get ignored or put people off.

...I've got to the end and haven't really absorbed the middle. But Lana and Kira aren't going to be "sent" to the Brume, they're going to be kicked out of the manor and left on the street with whatever possessions they're allowed to take with them. Anything beyond that is of no concern to the nobles - but if they've got nothing and nowhere to go, and can't find employment elsewhere, then the Brume is just likely where they'll end up.

And I still don't understand why Kira, as a capable healer, isn't just travelling with Lana in the first place.

I might try again with more of it. I could pick through grammar and phrasing for ages, but I don't know if that's what you want.

**Princess_Cassandra** · 12-11-2018 06:30 AM

Wow, thank you Iscah so much for the enormous amount of feedback...and I'm sorry for the many failings in my writing... I'm going to try using all your advice and critique to fix this.