A Heartfelt Post To This Community That I Am A Part Of.

[HyoMinPark]

I know that this post has very little to do with Final Fantasy XIV (well, nothing really, I guess), and I really have half a mind not to even post it, because I'm sure it violates the forum guidelines since it does not concern FFXIV. But it's been on my mind for a while now, and I just wanted to post something about it. I don't have any other places where I post aside from the FFXIV subreddit (very infrequently); I suppose I can also post this on my personal FFXIV blog once the Lodestone is no longer under maintenance (is it still under maintenance?), but I don't think that it will get the attention that I want it to get, and I feel like this is something that deserves some sort of attention. Because I know that there are those who play FFXIV who are affected by this very same thing.

This post took a while to write, and it was very difficult to write. Because I wanted it to be coherent, when my mind is literally jumping between so many different places while writing it, and I didn't want it to come off as some post looking for pity or sympathy, because that's not what I'm after. It's just a post about something that has been on my mind, a post about something that I wanted to say, and a post about something that I think deserves some sort of attention, because it's something that affects more people than I think some seem to realize.

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On Friday, May 5th, 2017, my friend, and a person I worked with for nearly 2 years, committed suicide. He was 21 years old.

It came as a shock to everyone who knew him. No one had seemed to know that he had been suffering so much, and no one had ever expected him to go to such lengths to escape whatever it was that was tormenting him so much. People that had seen him in his last few days said that he was laughing and smiling, and still cussing like a sailor like he did in most of his casual conversations; that he had recently acquired a passport, because he was taking a summer trip to another country to pursue his college studies, and that he was extremely excited about the trip. It was so sudden, and so unexplained. No one knows what happened...not even his family...

I found out in, maybe not the worst way possible, but definitely not the best way (is there really a "best way" to hear this kind of news though?), by logging into my Facebook for the first time in two months to see my wall exploding with shock and condolences about it. Needless to say, I have been a mess since finding out, and I just wanted to take the time to talk about depression, mental illness, and suicide somewhere. Like I said in the opening paragraph, I only really post on here and on FFXIV's subreddit; I don't really have any other forms of online blogs or online presence, and my tumblr hasn't been touched since its creation. I don't even remember the login information associated with it.

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I am not going to rattle off a bunch of numbers or statistics in this post, but I do know that a significant portion of the general population suffer from depression or some other mental illness at some point in their life, with a lot of people having, not just one, but several co-existing mental illnesses. I know that suicide is among the most common causes of death in several countries, and that a lot of people who commit suicide suffer from depression or another mental illness. And I also know that a lot of people my age, and my friend's age, are among those that decide life is too painful to continue living anymore. People don't like to talk about depression or mental illness or suicide, but I think they need to be discussed.

I know that suicide has, in some ways, been receiving a bit more attention since the release of Netflix's original series 13 Reasons Why, based off of a novel of the same name written in 2007. It concerns a girl that commits suicide, and leaves behind 13 tapes dictating the 13 reasons why she took her own life. I have read the book (a long time ago) and watched the series, and I understand that the author's original intention with the book was just to draw attention to the way we treat others in life, and to be aware of how many different ways our actions can both positively and negatively affect them. The show, I think, tried to convey that same thing, however, it came off more as glamourizing suicide, rather than drawing the appropriate attention to it.

I know that people who are suicidal, or who think about ending their own life, are not in a good place, or in a sound frame of mind. And I know that they are not thinking about the consequences of their actions, what would happen after, or what their death would mean to so many people. I know a lot of them think "I would be better off dead" or "No one would ever miss me," but I want to say that that is not true at all.

I don't know what was going through my friend's mind when he came to this decision, and I don't think anyone except him will ever know. But I think that people who think that they would be better off dead need a reminder of how many people are present in their lives that love them.

Remember your family. Remember your friends. Remember your spouse or significant other. Remember the people that you work with on a daily basis. Remember the people you play with in video games. Remember the people you have friendly debates with on online forums. Remember everyone that you have ever touched at some point in your life. Because I think that they will remember you. And I think that none of them have ever thought that they would be better off without you.

No. I know.

These people are not better off without you; my world is not the same without my friend. It is not better off, and I really still can't believe I won't ever receive a phone call from him again at some obscenely late hour of the night just to bitch about someone or something that happened that day. The world makes less sense without him here, and it still doesn't feel real.

Whether 13 Reasons Why has glamourized suicide or not, I think the author's intention still remains to be a valid thing. Remember how you treat others. Remember that, while you may not consider the consequences of your actions, or consider how your behavior may affect others, that it does affect others. Any time I see someone tell another person to "go kill themselves," I just bubble over with rage. Why would you say that to someone? What if that person really was someone who thought that they would be better off dead?

Please be mindful of the way you treat those that you meet in your daily lives. Yes, even those that you meet on online forums, or in video games. I know that asshats will exist regardless, but still. I feel like this needs to be said. I don't know if it was a comment like "Go kill yourself" that triggered my friend into taking his own life or something else, but please don't ever say anything like that to someone. I don't care if it's a PUG you meet in your Expert Roulette. Please think about how you act and what you say, and about how it may affect other people.

I'm not saying that we need to start setting up Safe Spaces and start coddling people like special snowflakes, and protecting them from every small danger in the world; I'm just asking for people to have some shred of human decency--some shred of respect--for others, even if they're strangers in a video game to you. Because, while they may be strangers to you, to someone else they are a son or a daughter, a father or a mother, a sister or a brother, a cousin, niece, nephew, relative, friend, co-worker...to someone else, they mean something.

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To those who are suffering, please know that there are people out there who love you. I think that I can confidently say that everyone that reads this post has at least one other person in their lives who think that they are the most important thing on the planet.

If you can't talk to your loved ones about things that torment you, please talk to someone. Don't hold it in. Don't bottle it up. Maybe you aren't into therapy; maybe you can't afford therapy. But there are hotlines set up to help you: free hotlines, anonymous hotlines. Sometimes, it's easier to talk to strangers about the darkest secrets we have, than it is to talk to the people we are close to.

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Here is a list of Suicide Hotlines by country. For anyone who wants them, or who needs them.

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If anyone here knows someone who is depressed and suicidal, or who knows someone who may be suicidal, please reach out to them. Even if you don't know what to say, just reach out to them. It may just be the thing that stops them.

If I could say one thing to people that are suicidal, it would be that you matter. To someone out there, you matter. You may think that you don't, but you do. I promise you.

For those who think about taking their own lives: please talk to someone. I know that it will be hard. I don't claim for it to be easy. I know that it isn't easy. But please. Talk to someone. Don't take your own life. Suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is, more than likely, only temporary. Please don't do it. Please don't even consider it. Because the world will not be a better place without you.

My world is not a better place without my friend. My world lost a smart, sweet, funny, handsome boy, and nothing will ever fill the void where he used to be.

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I hope that this post will remain. I hope that the Forum Moderators won't take it down, because while it may not have anything to do with FFXIV, I think that there are those in the FFXIV Community who could benefit just from the list of phone numbers linked in this post. I think that depression and suicide are things that affect the people here, so I think this post is relevant to us.

Suicide deserves some sort of attention. It doesn't deserve to be deleted.

And, if anything else, I just want this post to stay here, because of the things I said: about how you do matter to at least one other person in your life. And how this world is not a better place without you. I may not know you, and I may not know anything about your life or about the struggles you may or may not have, but what I said still stands.



One of the last things my friend and I talked about was actually Kingdom Hearts III and this game. Because he asked me "Are you still playing that online Final Fantasy game of yours?", to which I replied "I sure am!"

I wish that he had been able to experience this game, because there are people I have met through FFXIV that have given me reasons to keep going, no matter how hard life can be some days. I think he would have enjoyed it, even if he was calling me at obscenely late hours of the night to complain about a terrible DF run. Shoot, he probably would have been a frequent in the Tales of the Duty Finder thread!

I really do miss him...



Sincerely,

Hyomin Park
Cactuar

[Astrus]

I'm sorry that the only reply I have to this massive post is such a short one.
First of all, my condolences for your loss.

I've been dealing with depression for years now (I'm doing mostly fine, considering). While it certainly interferes with my life I've never once considered suicide but I can relate to an extent.
I'm not going to claim I understand because nobody ever truly does.
The things that helped me through the worst of it were someone to talk to and people just treating me normally.
I'll echo the sentiment that we don't need safe spaces or special treatment, just treat us like a fellow human being.
The old adage about treating others like you want them to treat you certainly rings true.

To anyone who has something or other weighing them down: find someone, anyone, to talk to. Don't bottle up. Literally anyone who's able and willing to listen will do.
It's amazing how much just talking about your problems can help even if the person you're talking to can't offer an immediate solution.

[Driavna]

I'm sorry for your loss and as Astrus says I'm not even going to pretend to understand It because each person is unique, however, I have to say something and is this and I going to be blunt: for some reason we no longer teach people tools to deal with frustration and negative emotions in general, everyone receive a participation trophy in a competition for example! Then the real and harsh world welcome us with a big slap in our faces and we don't know what to do.

And yes we need to treat each other with respect but also we need to know stupidity and ignore it.

[ErikMynhier]

Glad you are posting this OP. I attempted taking my life twice when I was young and am not sure how I lived.


Not wanting to depress people with details but that part of my life came to an end when people helped me.

Sorry about your friend. Spreading the word like this will help others so cheers!

[AnaviAnael]

I am so sorry Hyo Min. You've always been a wonderful voice of reason and I hate that you're going through this.

[JunseiKei]

As someone who does currently suffer from suicidal depression

It's not sudden.

We're good at hiding the pain. We laugh, we smile, we pretend nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, our mind eats at our will because it's become a poison on it's own. We need constant reassurance that we mean something. It's tedious and yes, we know our friends and family loves us

But

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

It's a constant state of tug-of-war until you've beaten it.

If you beat it.

Before, someone posted on the forums a thread about people with disabilities. I responded to it and said I had one, but I didn't really want to talk about it. This is what I meant. I've been fighting it for 15 years. It's hard, and I have a scar on my wrist where I almost lost. I've gone to multiple rallies to talk about this stuff because... well... I understand where people are coming from and sometimes you just need someone to reach out, even a stranger, and say, "you're amazing." I'm the one that's more aware and trying to fight back and grabbing people by their collars and dragging them up with me, that shit really isn't quite as bad as our minds are making it out to be. I just have the added bonus of having a majority of my life telling me I'm worthless or to go kill myself from family and peers that makes it hard to crawl out of the hole myself. I think my mother and my husband are the only ones to not say it.

.. It's been a while since I got that off my chest.

Also, it's good to be aware: depression and suicide can be something that is a result from your brain chemistry. Sometimes prescriptions can "cure" you. It won't for people like me, who have reasons haunting them.

I will say a word of caution:
Suicide hotlines and all are a nice gesture, but be wary on which you contact. Some have volunteer staff with minimal training while others are fully staffed trained to handle various situations. Also, be aware the police may be notified and get involved. This sometimes leads to a lengthy (and pricey) process of counselling, therapy and possible prescribed drugs. These are not free. The call to the hotline will be, but the rest isn't.

Sorry you have to go through this. Part of what affects someone's decision to kill themself is because they truly believe they are alone. It's going to be harsh, but people need to understand: the fact the friends and family think it's so sudden is a testament to that decision.

Sorry if this post is bleak. I actually thought about just not posting it and backspaced it so many times. Funny how talking to a crowd of people is easier than posting on a forum anonymously. Maybe it's just easier for me to justify it when I see kids and think "you're too precious to lose" or see their parents and think "no kid should go through this loss."

[Kosmos992k]

Glad you are posting this OP. I attempted taking my life twice when I was young and am not sure how I lived.


Not wanting to depress people with details but that part of my life came to an end when people helped me.

Sorry about your friend. Spreading the word like this will help others so cheers!

I'm glad that people helped you and you're here to tell the tale. More power to you.

@ OP

I know mere words are worthless, but thank you for posting an please accept my heartfelt condolences.

[Starlord]

I'd say it relates to all forums of online gaming ( not just in real life). As something like this falls under "making a great experience for the players" and if people are getting death threats or someone asking them to go kill themselves, those words are going to affect someone at some point. The experience will be dampened at best to someone dying at worst (suicide).

So I do think it falls in line with the guidelines of this forum ( or any gaming related forum really).

I am sorry for your loss. , I don't even want to think about a time where I would have those thoughts. I am lucky to be surrounded by understanding individuals. I am afraid to socialize in real life because of random people that could potentially ruin my life with such hurtful words, that would make me feel like I don't belong.

However, things are quite auspicious as they stand now, so you don't have to worry about me!

Edit: People from the Moogle server have been really nice to me as well, and have lots of fun. Even if my real life was bad, this online game and the friends I made on the EU server ( Me being from NA), have been a positive experience!

Thank you Peasenthood FC .

[Fernosaur]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Hyomin. I know how it feels to lose a friend like this, and I know the shock, baggage and specially the guilt that it can bring for those who didn't see it coming. One thing you must remember and eventually accept is that whatever reason your friend had to take his life, you cannot blame yourself for it, or anyone else for that matter. It's likely your friend suffered from chronic depression, and mental illness is prone to make our brains think awful thoughts, and spur us to make terrible choices. It is a terrible shame he never got the help he needed, but this we can at least blame it on the way our society treats mental illness: like a taboo that must not be discussed, specially for young men who feel pressured to not open up about our feelings.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope that you and your friend's family manage to heal and overcome this pain and loss.

The topic of mental illness, its causes and its consequences is something we should all inform ourselves about, because anyone we love could have it in some form or another. It is something we should all put a little grain of salt in order to make the world better for those who suffer from it.

[HyoMinPark]

Thank you to everyone who has read this, and to those of you who have offered your condolences. Each and every comment I have read more than once, and for those of you who came forward to say that you, too, have suffered from mental illness, I commend your bravery to admit such personal things about yourself. Because I know that these admissions are not always an easy thing, and I know that society and cultural norms continue to frown upon mental illnesses, especially in those that society deems should be "above" such things (mainly, young men).

One post has stood out to me. And I have debated my response to it, and even responding at all. Because I didn't want this post to be about me or my struggles, even though they do, in a way, give me an ounce of understanding with regards to my friend, and what he ultimately chose to do on his last day. I wasn't looking for this to be that at all. But I feel like I can't not respond to it, and I just want to repeat that this is not a post looking for any sort of pity or sympathy from anyone.

A heartbreakingly honest and difficult thing to post

JunseiKei, your words in your post struck a chord in my heart, because they are so blatantly honest and true. Honestly, I hate having to just turn your post into a quote snip; I feel like it deserves to be repeated again and again in its entirety. I only do so because I know that this post is going to be another massive one, like so many of my posts generally are, because I always have a lot of things to say. I hope that my paraphrasing doesn't de-emphasize how important your words are.

I don't claim for us to be in any way the same, nor to say that the struggles we have had in life (and will continue to have) are equal, or the same, because no two people are the same. But, in a way, we have something in common with one another. I, like you, have suffered from debilitating depression for just about as long as I can remember; depression that, for the past year or so, has gotten progressively worse with each passing day.

We're good at hiding the pain. We laugh, we smile, we pretend nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, our mind eats at our will because it's become a poison on it's own. We need constant reassurance that we mean something. It's tedious and yes, we know our friends and family loves us

But

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

It's a constant state of tug-of-war until you've beaten it.

If you beat it.

You are absolutely right. We are very good at hiding that which torments us; some of us more so than others. The first thing that crossed my mind after reading about my friend--aside from the shock and the pain--was that he must have been so good at hiding his pain from everyone, including me. Because the first thing I said to my parents (who I had called moments after reading my Facebook), was that I had never thought that my friend was "like me." I say that because, those who know me well, know that I have been depressed for a very long time, because I tell them as such. I may not go into the gory details about what depresses me, or how much it hurts to just get out of bed some days, but I don't hide the fact that my depression is there. All I do is hide the severity of it.

That poison is our own mind working against us is strong as we start to question "but do they really care?"

There is a quote in John Milton's Paradise Lost that has stuck with me since the moment I read it nine years ago. And it is basically what you said here:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

I have only really read excerpts from Book I of Paradise Lost, and I honestly have no idea how this quote falls into the grand scheme of this piece of literature, but I do know what it means for me, and it is exactly as you said, JunseiKei. Our mind is like a poison that constantly works against us, and taints any positive progress we may make, constantly belittling us and setting us back two steps for every one step we take forward. We are our own worst enemy when it comes down to it, and our greatest struggle will always be trying to silence that little voice in the back of our minds that says: "Do I really matter?"

My friend lost to that little voice.

Like Fernosaur said, and like my friends and family have told me, I cannot blame myself for not foreseeing what my friend was going to do. However, my own little voice has said to me every moment since I found out, that I should have known. My friend suffered like I suffer: from depression so debilitating, and so inescapable, that he thought that this was the only way to finally make it stop. While no two people suffer alike, I still hear this voice saying to me "He was like you; why didn't you see it? Why didn't you stop it?"

I know that my guilt is misplaced. The rational part of me knows this. The irrational part, however, does not, and continues to say that I should have known; I should have been there more than I have been the past year and a half, and how selfish I have been to be so wrapped up in my own crap to not notice that a friend of mine was suffering in ways that were possibly worse than me. I hope with time that my guilt will pass, but I know that, for now, it is here to stay.



I have entertained the thought of ending my own life several times over the course of my 26 years. There have been times where I have planned it out; where I have researched quick and painless ways to do it, where I started thinking about what to say in my good-bye letters to everyone. But I have always, somehow, stopped myself.

Part of what affects someone's decision to kill themself is because they truly believe they are alone. It's going to be harsh, but people need to understand: the fact the friends and family think it's so sudden is a testament to that decision.

While I have always felt alone with regards to my pain, like no one could ever truly understand just how crushing feeling the way I do every day is...and while I have always had that small voice in the back of my head say to me over and over again "You don't matter...no one would notice if you were gone...no one would care...everyone would be better off without you...", what my friend did has taught me something. And I will always strive to remind myself of the small moment of "clarity" I had while I laid on my bedroom floor crying so hard that my entire body ached.

I don't ever want those that I love to be where I am now.

I said in my opening post that I wished my friend had been able to experience this game, because it has led me to people that keep me going no matter how dark of a place I may have trapped myself in may be. What stops me from taking my own life? Ultimately, it is those around me who prove that I am not alone, no matter how many times I feel that I am: my family, my friends.

This is not to say that my friend did not have these people; like his sister said, he would have been surprised at the sheer number of people who posted condolences about him, and who attended his funeral, because he didn't even like people! He touched so many people in ways that I don't think he understood, and I wish that he had known he wasn't alone. And maybe, perhaps, he did. In that case, I wish that his knowledge of such had been enough to save him from himself.



My words in my opening post may be naive words that hope to save someone else from themselves. Maybe I am naive for truly believing that the words of a stranger online would be enough to stop someone from taking their own life. Maybe my words are arrogant. Maybe I say them to try and absolve myself of my own misplaced guilt. But, regardless, I cannot not say them. Because, even if they are naive, maybe they are all that at least one person needs to stop themselves.

You matter. To someone somewhere, you matter. To someone, you are the most important person in their life. You are not alone. You are loved. You are important. The world will not be a better place without you in it.

I wish that I had known what my friend was going to do. I wish that I had been there more than I have been, not just for him, but for others that I love. And I wish that I could have said just what I said above to him, and that it would have been enough for him to still be here today. Like you said, JunseiKei, we need constant reassurances that we matter. People who don't understand probably see this as us being selfish or self-centered or needy, but I don't think that's the case. All I think is that hopefully, one day, we will stop needing such reassurances, because we will just know that we do matter, even if it is to just one person.

Regardless, myself needing these reassurances is what prompts to me to say, again, that you matter. That you are important. That at least one person, somewhere, loves you, and that their world will not be better off without you in it.

Maybe someone who wants to end their pain so badly they consider taking their own life will read this small post, and maybe the words of this stranger will be enough to stop them.



To Kosmos, mere words are never worthless. Words are extremely powerful things. The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is so utterly ridiculous, I cannot even begin to say how ridiculous that phrase is. Words are power, and they will always retain their power.

Your words to me are not worthless. Your words to others are not worthless. And I thank you for them. What has happened to me has given me pause to consider even more carefully than I already do, what kind of effect my words could have on people.



JunseiKei, I know that we don't know each other, that we are just strangers on an online forum who know each other only as "JunseiKei" and "HyoMinPark," and I know that neither of us could possibly imagine the pain that the other feels every day due to this terrible disease that we both have, but I want to say that I am glad that you are here. I am glad that you are strong enough to continue to fight against your own poisonous mind, and that you are a very important person.

I am glad that you're alive.