Social Anxiety

[TouchandFeel]

I feel like no matter where I go, I'm always inadequate, the odd one out in a group. Often times when I try to be a part of things, I always get very nervous and cop out at the last second.

I think this right here is the root of your problem.

It seems you have a combination of low self-image/self-esteem combined with a fear of failure or at least being seen as one which results in you avoiding engaging in things or with people because you feel that you are not good enough and therefore are guaranteed to fail and if that is the case, why bother trying in the first place.

To use an analogy, you give up at the starting line because you are afraid you will lose the race.

The thing is, if you give up or decide to not even try out of a fear of failure, you are creating a situation in which you have no chance to succeed since you can't succeed if you don't even try.
Then, as you allude to, you feel like a failure for causing yourself to fail by giving up which then feeds back into your sense of inadequacy which feeds into your inclination to give up and so the vicious cycle continues like a rotating whirlpool just sucking you down.

We all have fears of failure, we all can be hard on ourselves, we can all feel inadequate or unsure when venturing into unknown territory with unknown people. You are in no ways alone in this and these kind of problems are more common than most people realize. Even those that beam with confidence will often double guess themselves and can be their own harshest critic, I know I am.

However, to be perfectly blunt, that is life and you have to learn to grow as an individual and overcome your own self-imposed obstacles.

For starters you need to stop with the overly negative outlook, both of yourself and of others.

As for your negative outlook of yourself, try building up self-esteem, look at what you are good at while accepting that there will be things you are not the best at, bolster and grow your strengths while acknowledging and working to overcome your weaknesses.
If you can't see the value in yourself, it's going to be very difficult for other to see it too.

Also you may not realize it but you are putting down others as well with this negative outlook, you are assuming that people are essentially going to be unkind and unaccepting of you. While there are a lot jerks out there, there are also a lot of real nice and understanding and accepting people out there who couldn't care less about things like someone being a little socially awkward.
Heck, I have met a number of people that initially came off as complete jerks but after being shown a little understanding and kindness they completely changed into an incredibly nice person, it just ended up that they were afraid that others were going to be jerks to them so they took the stance of being a jerk to try to "protect" themselves from it, a mindset that honestly makes no sense whatsoever if you actually think about it.
Basically, don't be so quick to prejudge others negatively and assume that they will view you negatively, if we all did that we would all see each others as jerks, moreso than we already do lol, and that would be a terribly miserable state to live in.

So at the expense of perhaps coming off a tad cheesy, people are like rooms. Close it off and shut yourself in and the room quickly becomes stuffy and you will eventually suffocate yourself. So seriously, just open a window let all the bad flow out and let some fresh air and sunshine in and when you are ready, open the door to the wider world.

Sure, it may seem difficult and you may not know how you are going to do it but there is no advice that anyone can give you that is guaranteed to work for you. You just simply need to crouch down, prepare and tell yourself it doesn't matter if you win or lose, you are going to run that race because as we already know if you give up at the starting-line you have already lost.
It's better to try and fail, learn from it, try again and make some progress than to give up and get absolutely nowhere.

[ChameleonMS]

I feel like a huge jerk when I let it show like that. I see other people in this game getting along, making friends and all that, and I'd like to experience that as well. Does anybody else feel this way? How do you deal with it?

Self confidence is the key to success in these situations. I had similar fears (I was never assessed so I cannot say I had anxiety) when I was younger (currently in my 40s). I could not speak publicly and was complete social introvert. I would take fails on high school assignments where public speaking was a requirement.
What changed for me, how did I deal with it? In my early 20s I had a job where I did not have a choice in the matter. I had to speak to other people every day. If I lost the job, I would not be able to afford rent / food / etc... This survival motivator inadvertently pushed me out of the introverted shell which had predominated my life to that point. I am by no means a social butterfly but I can attend social gathering and enjoy getting involved in a discussion on any topic of interest. I do professional presentations and training as part of my work now, so, public speaking is never really a concern.

My advice to you, put yourself in to "slightly uncomfortable" social positions and challenge yourself to overcome them. If you lack the self confidence to do this, seek a professional opinion.

[Darrcyphfeid]

I've battled with social anxiety my entire life; for a period of 15 years I was barely functional. I'm still super nervous around groups of people, but I can do most things pretty okay now.

It's absolutely different for everyone, but my social anxiety doesn't apply to video games. In video games, I can separate "me" from "my skill" (character/persona/whatever) and I think it helped me a lot. Especially when voice communications started coming into play for things like endgame raids/trials, and eventually just hanging around chatting.

I did experience tankxiety when I first started XIV, because I didn't really know what I was doing, where I was going, what was expected of me, etc. though. I didn't really want to keep pushing through MSQ dungeons - it was somewhere between self-torture and just being a super draining chore. That mostly passed by the time I reached Brayflox, after knuckling down and spending some time looking at some visual guides for general tank etiquette. I looked up the bosses for each dungeon right before queuing to make mental note of anything that might instantly wipe the group. Every time I did a new dungeon, my anxiety diminished some more. Every time I redid a dungeon, I learned more about it and grew more confident. There was less need to think, because it was nearly always the same, and I could just get into my own little groove and not worry.

At this point I'm every healer's worst nightmare. I push as far as possible in every dungeon my first time in just to see what's what; if we die, well, **** it. It happens. We all learned something. If the other members of the party want to get pissy about it? Okay, that's fine, you guys do you. I'll bail. I can just try again later, and I'll realistically never see any of you again. Even if I do you probably won't remember my name, and I probably won't remember yours. So it's fine.

I use what I know about the game - or other games, or movies, or whatever - to form a basis for entering conversations. It makes it easier to talk to people when you're confident and comfortable with a subject, and it's important to always keep in mind that people aren't supposed to know everything. It's cool to ask questions about things; it makes the conversations more engaging. You don't have to push yourself to always be chatty, or to initiate conversations, and it's fine if you just don't feel up to chatting at any given time. You can just respond with "I'm not feeling very well right now" if people are trying to talk to you, and they'll usually understand.

Take it slow. Breathe. Relax. Take breaks. And don't give up; put in a little work here and there and it'll get easier.

[SpiritTamer]

I have this problem as well. I did have friends on this game at first, but drama happened. I had a hard enough time with trusting people due to PTSD. I was starting to get better, but when my "friends" did some immature things to our old FC house, I had a hard time trusting them after that. I had thought I made some good friends, but I was wrong. Now I'm in just the old FC and my partner (I met him on the game) as the only active members, and it's better that way. He gave me money to fix the damage they did to the FC house. We moved from Mist to Goblet, and just the other day to Shirogane.

We run dungeons and stuff, but don't talk to anyone in them.

[sarehptar]

I can't really give you any psychological help with this issue--struggle with it a lot myself, actually--but I feel like there are a few things you can do to make your experience in FF better:

1) Join a smaller FC. An FC with about 10-12 active members is usually best for people who are both nervous but still want to make friends. In a huge FC, you are likely to be over-run, and you'll feel like you're not necessary because there are always going to be groups doing things without you. In a smaller FC, it's more likely that you'll be "necessary" at some point--if they want to make a group of four or eight, they'll be likely to invite you since there will be fewer other options.

2) Be clear with your FC mates on where you think your skill level is. If they want to try an extreme primal but you're too nervous, you can say something "I don't know that fight, so I'm afraid I might be really bad at it." Or "I'll go with you, but I might suck; sorry in advance for any mistakes." If you're upfront about where you think you stand with a particular raid/primal/etc., you won't feel like you're letting your FC down if you do end up making mistakes. We had a Dragoon in my last FC who just could not dodge AOEs. He was the stereotype of a lolDRG. But we all liked him anyway and invited him to everything anyway because he kept a good attitude about it--we knew we would be carrying him, but we were happy to do so because he open about it and didn't make a big deal out of making mistakes.

3) Invite people to non-threatening things. In some duties, like dungeons and story mode trials, party members usually don't talk to each other, even if they're in the same FC. Invite your FC mates to do roulettes with you. You can both focus on the roulettes; you won't even have to talk, and yet it still qualifies as social! When you start inviting people, you will likely discover a core group of people who are willing to run daily things with you; the more things you run together, the easier it is to become friends. Likewise, I would recommend not turning down invitations to nonthreatening things. If someone invites you to a dungeon or trial you know you can do without too much trouble, take a deep breath and go with them. Turning down invites is the fastest way to end up feeling like the odd man out.

4) Do basic, routine things that indicate friendliness without requiring a lot of social willpower: say "Hi" in FC chat every time you log in. Say "Gotta go. Night guys!" every time you log off. Even just SOME small presence in the chat box makes you more memorable to your FC mates, and therefore less likely to be seen as a the odd man out.

And I guess the last thing I would say is look for an FC that's not only welcoming, but maybe also a little pushy? I know that sounds weird, but the first FC I joined in this game had a (joking) "no consent" policy--if you were online and not doing anything important, and there was a group activity going on, they definitely expected you to be in the party filling a space. The assumption that everyone would be involved automatically really kept me from fading into the background, and even though it was nerve-wracking at first, it also created a situation in everyone was expected to make friends with each other very quickly.

Good luck, OP!

[rjspencer4]

I just keep to myself, game is still fun unless someone wants me to talk on discord (listening is fine but I would rather turn my console off then actually speak)

[Shihen]

I've been playing FFXIV for a few years now on and off, and I've always had such a hard time meeting people and being part of an FC. I feel like no matter where I go, I'm always inadequate, the odd one out in a group. Often times when I try to be a part of things, I always get very nervous and cop out at the last second. It's gotten to the point where I'd leave the FC and stop playing entirely for a while because I'd get so nervous.

I feel like a huge jerk when I let it show like that. I see other people in this game getting along, making friends and all that, and I'd like to experience that as well. Does anybody else feel this way? How do you deal with it?

Try not to feel too ashamed, it's something a lot of people struggle with. I remember wanting to throw up on presentation morning of my first public speaking course, but this other girl volunteered to go first. She started off talking about a beach or something, then the nerves kicked in. She started speaking faster and faster, rambling more, running out of breath mid-sentence, and the more aware that she was bombing it she became, the worse it got. It was hard to watch, but she got through it and sat down, and I just remember being surprised someone so seemingly normal could have such a hard time with something I thought I struggled with because I was flawed. It made me realize it was fine to be scared, and you just had to go through to get past. She got really good as the course went on too, think she finished with a B, which was amazing considering where she started.

That said, my solution to this is fairly boring. There was a good deal on company gym memberships when I started working, so I started doing that and it did wonders for my self image. It doesn't have to be the gym, but working on yourself and your own self esteem should be your top priority. People are pretty good at picking up on how you see yourself and will treat you accordingly.

[RiyahArp]

You might want to talk to a therapist or counselor if this affects more than in game, as many people who play MMOs also suffer from depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses.

I think those emotions you feel are your body reacting to stress, and it helps to realize that they aren't really you. If you recognize that it is stress, it's easier to deal with. If you are too stressed to do dungeon runs, invite people for treasure maps instead. If the thought of spending hours with people stresses you, do something and set a time limit. If it's just talking, just set a goal of saying "hi" to three or four people in your FC when they log in, regardless of whether or not they say hi back. Try and realize when those emotions flare up at you, and you may find the causes that trigger them. It can become a little easier to deal with.

[Lokier]

I have the opposite problem. I give people social anxiety.



On a side note, I get really anxious when I enter new content. Savage raids, primals... Join an FC, or group with FC members... If I know the people I'm gonna game with I get antsy as I feel I have to over-perform. >_>

[Kohlian]

I suffered this for years, I'm 25 and I'd say it only got better for me two years ago. It got so bad I just played them like a single player game and like everyone around me was a NPC. I discovered myself and the way I enjoy playing MMOs in the RP community. I'm not saying go RP, but find what makes you happy when you play Final Fantasy XIV and find people like that. I hope that helps, keep your chin up I'm sure you're awesome to play / talk with.