On toxicity in forums

[Tsunenori]

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I know you were responding to Miste but I saw some of my language in your post so I wanted to address some of this. Intent is key, right? "Thicker Skin" or "Sticks and Stones" as statements have PR problems, because in my (granted, anecdotal) experience I most often see them being co-opted by jerks who use them as a shield to hide behind after they've said something offensive. I don't think anyone would reasonably say you should take every anonymous comment to heart, because you just can't live that way. We're not made for it.

But I'd also make the point that what is one person's extreme is not another's. Even a benign statement can be the straw that break's the camel's back, and all the armor in the world isn't impervious to cracks, tears, and whatever else. The opposition to "sticks and stones" I think comes from a place of understanding that you never quite know what someone's condition is and it's better to be aware that even off-hand or innocuous comments can have big impacts. By the same token, you shouldn't walk on eggshells all the time either or avoid giving criticism just because you might upset someone. We can't live that way either.

Personally I always try to temper my language and see if my tone comes across harshly when typing since it's easy to misconstrue things without a voice to give you that guidance.

I don't think there's any objective best way, and I don't think having a "sticks and stones" approach makes someone a bad person. I think it's more about recognizing that the hard knock approach has often been used to justify pretty harsh and insensitive behavior, and making sure that you aren't being that person yourself. You're right that part of growing is also recognizing what you should and shouldn't let get to you. Kacho's also right about monitors not being very good substitutes for people, on top of text not being a good substitute for body language and tone of voice.

Sidenote: all of this is why PR people get paid a lot of money. Communication is hard, especially on the internet.

[MoroMurasaki]

Sidenote: all of this is why PR people get paid a lot of money. Communication is hard, especially on the internet.

I appreciate your response!


There is nothing in there that I disagree with overall, I think that this median approach is generally superior in both reaching a wider group of people and not being overlooked.

My main isue is really not any of the ideas you present here, I simply interperet 'sticks and stones' to mean 'words are not violence, if you take issue with someone's harsh language first appreciate that they are using language to express themselves instead of violence'. I understand that this is not really an issue on the internet as words often are the most hurtful weapons we can use on each other. I really just have a problem with dismissing 'sticks and stones' out of hand. It is (to me) an important lesson to remember in terms of everyday life.

I completely agree that communication is particularly hard when all you have to represent your ideas is text. I work managing operations for a major North American retailer and often communicate important directives in plain text to large groups of people. I don't have the luxury of being able to tack on "loljk" or an emoji to most of my correspondance. I also think that my job might contribute to the brusque/aggressive way many of my posts here are taken but that's a discussion for another time.

Either way just wanted to say I totally understand where you're coming from here. While I may not agree with exactly how you impliment your communication style I do think it has value and works for many people.