Dating & Romance Rant

[GundamAxelWing]

I will say this in order for a deep relationship to work you go with the flow of things it will work both ways for you and your partner the other thing as said before you got to stop looking at others as crushes it can only be 1 and 1 alone you work with and keep things simple and don't over think it.

[MoroMurasaki]

Searching out a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a great way to start something that won't last. My first relationship was five years long and about four and a half of them were super abusive but a fear of being alone kept me in.

It took me about a year after finally ending everything to be really okay with being single. I found some hobbies (like mmo's!) and started going to the gym in my spare time. About six months into my wonderful happy single life I met the best man ever, we've had 5 years of the perfect relationship since then.

I think to get to the place you want to be (in a happy relationship where you feel supported and loved, like you can blindly trust your significant other with anything) it takes getting to know and love yourself first. I was 21 before I was secure enough to start something that is healthy and happy.

From your posts I feel like you need to feel better about you. You even call yourself unattractive! That is not okay. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see then change it. Going to the gym was an amazing thing for me; I'd carried around like 15 lbs that I was never happy with and when I got rid of them I felt amazing. You need to feel amazing about you, whatever that takes. Confidence is sexy but more importantly not feeling backed into a corner where you'll date anyone willing to date you is important. Having some self worth will naturally increase the standards that you hold potential girlfriends to and that's a good thing. Have standards.

I know this is sort of rambly, my apologies, it's just something very close to my heart. Love you before you try to love someone else!

[Saiah]

I might sound a little harsh,but I mean well. In your current situation, its not going to happen. You have low self esteem and im going to assume by your character name that youre not very social in real life to put it mildly.

If you want to attract a partner, you have to put yourself out there. Humans are just animals, and thats how animals do it. They go out and show themselves off. What you need to do is invest in yourself.

Are you depressed? Go see a therapist. Are you out of shape? Join a gym and lift weights. Get a haircut. Buy some new clothes. Take the time to find a cologne that suits you. This will not only make you look better. More importantly: this will make you feel good. And if you socialize feeling like a million dollars, people will notice. Because you'll radiate confidence, you'll have a smile on your face. You will look like someone people will want to get to know.

And thats the next important thing. Go out and socialize. Get noticed. Start going out. Do you have friends? Go out for drinks on the weekends. I actually like the challenge of going out by myself to clubs and bars ive never been before. I sit down at the bar, start chatting with the bartender(s) and see how it goes from there. Its a great way to meet new people. Every place I go to is a new shot at making a first impression.

Also, join activities. Could be anything that remotely interests you. Ive volunteered for cleaning up garbage on the beach and met alot of people. Theres a group of volunteers that takes elderly people in a retirement home out for wheelchair rides. Im thinking about applying for that. Why? It allows me to meet new people, and it makes me feel good about myself.

A colleague of mine is a member of a group thats actually called "meeting new people" and I met a bunch of them when I went to a beer tasting event with him. They were allpretty decent people and I could tell that some had the same struggles as you. They were a bit awkward, but they were on the right track!

Long story short, you need to work on your confidence and go out and socialize. And THEN you can start actively looking for a partner. Otherwise youll just get more depressed and frustrated. Turn that downward spiral upside down!

/psych

[Wilford111]

Just as a reminder, I didn't know if it was appropriate to post this kind of thing in this forum and in fact thought it would be locked shortly after I posted it. Seeing as how it's been a few days and it still hasn't been locked, I think it's safe to say that it's being allowed to stay on here.

Also, finally people are starting to mock me for posting this On the upside, I assumed I would get mostly people condemning my post and my attitude from the offset, but there have been a ton of people who seem to genuinely want to help and give support, and I'm so happy to see that. It was a very nice surprise. Thanks again to everyone giving constructive advice.

[Nora_of_Mira]

Just as a reminder, I didn't know if it was appropriate to post this kind of thing in this forum and in fact thought it would be locked shortly after I posted it. Seeing as how it's been a few days and it still hasn't been locked, I think it's safe to say that it's being allowed to stay on here.

Also, finally people are starting to mock me for posting this On the upside, I assumed I would get mostly people condemning my post and my attitude from the offset, but there have been a ton of people who seem to genuinely want to help and give support, and I'm so happy to see that. It was a very nice surprise. Thanks again to everyone giving constructive advice.

I think they don't care unless people are arguing or being harassed.

edit: I wanted to mock the post, not you personally. no ill will, fam.

[Wilford111]

edit: I wanted to mock the post, not you personally. no ill will, fam.

ahh okay, I get you. It's all good.

[raela]

If set on finding people in game, it might be worth googling some of the ”met significant other on ffxiv/mmo” topics.. They happen somewhat regularly here and on reddit. Stories there are generally, ”found cool person, hung out lots, got interested, started dating” - not people going out of their way to find a partner to begin with.

[AngelCheese77]

Well, there is nothing wrong with trying those dating websites. A girlfriend of mine did, and is married with a child. I found my husband though ... very odd circumstances (I was the type who thought I'd never get married, being almost everything you described yourself as).

My advice? Be yourself. Know what you want but also realize the 'perfect one' might not be who you really need. Go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to say no or look somewhere else (another girlfriend of mine didn't listen when I said the dude she was dating made my neck hair stand up .. and sure enough, that dude was abusive and controlling) and above all else, don't beat yourself up.

Good luck, and I hope you find someone.

[LadyKairi]

Snip

I had to see a councilor when I was in your shoes. She was amazing and cracked down on why I felt the way I did, and she gave me tools to help build myself up. That may be an option.

Something I do to help build confidence in myself is I look at myself in the mirror every day, and I pick 5 GOOD things I see in myself. Ignore the bad, look at the good. After only seeing the bad for so long, it was hard to do at first, but it has gotten a lot easier as time went on. Working out also helped me gain self confidence. I felt great, and I felt I started to look great too.

What helped me may not help you, but I figured I'd throw in my 2 cents. Best of luck to you, deary.

[Darkobra]

A girlfriend starts as a friend. You don't jump straight into a relationship. You're looking for a status rather than falling for a person.

Meet people. Spend time with them. Go slow. The fact that you're ONLY thinking about having a girlfriend in general is damaging for both sides.