Dating & Romance Rant

[MrPresident]

Bruh.......

[Vidu]

I'm certainly not an expert on this, but I'd reckon that wanting a relationship for the sake of having a relationship isnt a healthy or "fair" basis for anyone - you should want to be in a relationship with a certain someone, not find "anyone" to be in a relationship with! I dont think anyone has any real advice on how to find that certain someone, everyone might have their own story there (or not... depending on their situation after all), but relaxing about the whole thing might be a good first step - even if its not an easy one.

While you'll get nowhere without being a bit proactive (Ask that girl out if you really like her and care about her!), you need to find a healthy balance here and should certainly ask yourself if you want to date someone because you want to date them - or if you only want to date anyone. As long as its the later: Dont, thats not gonna make you happy in the end.
Try to forget about it for a while. Learn to love yourself - and be yourself, you'll eventually find people that are going to like that/you! (If you havent already) And maybe they're girls amongst them and maybe one of them actually things "Hey... that guy is actually pretty cute and sweet...!"

Two advices that are a bit more practical:
You can bypass the 1.000 character-limit by editing your first post - type everything, copy, post part of it, edit the rest in.
We're also having this Hook-up-eternal-bonding-thread in the forum - you can always try posting there and see if someone takes an intrest. Some people are just looking for an ingame thing, some are open to extend it to a more real life version - good luck either way!

[msfakefur]

I'm certainly not an expert on this, but I'd reckon that wanting a relationship for the sake of having a relationship isnt a healthy or "fair" basis for anyone - you should want to be in a relationship with a certain someone, not find "anyone" to be in a relationship with

This. Essentially this. A relationship should be something meaningful with someone meaningful, if it’s just for the sake of being in a relationship, it won’t work out at all.

Also, as many have said, you should try asking someone you’re interested out. The worst answer you’ll get will be no, but that’s not the end of the world. Someone will say yes to you eventually, learn to take risks and expose yourself.

[TouchandFeel]

I see your "wall of text" and raise you.

Okay, where to start ...

First off, yeah this, or any non-"real life romance related online venue" tbh, is probably not the best place to open this can of worms or to expect good or compassionate responses or advice, not saying that you won't get any, just be prepared for some potential nastiness. Also, don't be surprised if this thread is locked by forum mods due to being very "off-topic" relative to the game.

However, I'll bite and give you some quick feedback based on what I read.

For starters, you need to realize that relationships are oftentimes difficult and chances are you will go through many many many many many many (you get the point) relationships until you find one that truly works for you. Far too many young people today, especially those who are more introverted in nature such as yourself expect a great relationship to happen to them, as if they just magically stumble upon it like finding a coin on the sidewalk. That's not how a good relationship happens, they require work, time and a whole lot of effort. Sure, you can meet someone you like or are attracted to by happenstance, but that is just an opening and one that you will get many of throughout your life. The difficulty lies in taking advantage of those openings and nurturing them and learning from any ensuing relationships. Once you start dating and having relationships, it's really just a learning and evolving process. You will have successes and you will have failures, you just need to learn from them and grow and try to do better next time. Giving up is not really an option, because as I already stated a good relationship doesn't magically just happen to you.

Now for the harsh part.
No offense intended, but I feel like you are being your own worst enemy in regards to finding a relationship that suits you.

You declare that you feel subpar as a person, which for starters is a terrible way to look at yourself. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses, everyone has things that are great about them and everyone has flaws. It's part of being human. The only way you can make yourself lesser than other people is to believe that you are. This sounds cheesy as hell, but it is the first mistake you are making in regards to potentially finding a relationship, you are selling yourself short. If you are convinced you are not worthwhile, how can you expect anyone to see you as worthwhile. The only thing that people can really go off of when meeting you and interacting with you is the way that you portray yourself and if you believe yourself to be lesser than others then that is what you will be putting out and what people will respond to. You need to gain confidence in yourself by recognizing the good qualities that you have and bringing those to the forefront, nurturing and growing them, all the while recognizing and accepting your shortcomings and working to improve and overcome them.
Resigning yourself to failure is the only way you will ever truly and utterly fail. You can fall down a hundred times but as long as you get back up you have the chance to try again and succeed.

Next, you say that you are not a social person and that you normally just go home and play video games. That there is a problem. If you want to meet people and potentially develop a relationship, romantic or otherwise, you need to put yourself in situations to actually meet real people in real life. That doesn't mean going out to bars and clubs every weekend or whatever, but you need to find ways to get out and meet more people. I would recommend trying to go to things like house parties with friends or even get-togethers with work colleagues. Find ways to get involved with and go to actual social events with like-minded people. If you are into other types of games like table-top gaming, try to find a place that hosts games and stuff like that. If they have arcades near where you live, maybe try to check them out. You can often even find local groups that cater to specific interests like video-games, anime, comics, or whatever that have meet-ups by looking online. Simply put, if you want to meet people you are going to have to go out and actually meet people. Isolating yourself will not lead to that. This may be difficult if you are shy, but you got to do what you got to do. Gaining confidence, like I already talked about, and having friends to lean on to help you out will be indispensable for breaking out of your shell.

Don't expect online "dating forums" and stuff like that to solve your problems. You will have better luck gaining experience with how to approach gaining and growing a relationship by interacting with real people in real life, face to face. It may be scarier because it is more, no pun intended (well maybe a little), in your face and may feel more personal but it is precisely because it doesn't have the relative safety-net of the internet that it will be way more valuable in regards to teaching you how to interact with people and present yourself even if it feels like a trial by fire.

Now this is very important, curb your expectations of relationships. So many people feel they need to be in a relationship or else they have no or at least diminished worth. A person's self-worth comes from themselves and the expectation that you should have someone else there to validate you is actually selfish and inevitably destructive. Forcing the responsibility of your own worth on the shoulders of another can easily drive people away because it makes you come off as needy and it puts a lot of pressure on the other person in the relationship, which will often be too much for people to handle. Relationships are honestly a lot more of giving than they are of taking, and when both parties are doing this you are much more likely to end up with a successful relationship. So again, gain confidence in yourself and don't rely on others to provide it for you. Relationships are not there to provide you with happiness, they are there to share your life with another person and hopefully find happiness together.

Keep in mind the way you say you feel regarding yourself and relationships, pretty much everyone feels like that to differing degrees at different times. Everyone at times questions their own worth, everyone gets lonely and yearns for companionship, everyone at some point has wondered why anyone would bother with them. Chances are there are a good number of potential companions that feel just like you and are waiting for someone to come along and just simply say "hello".

Now to end where we began. Don't expect to just have a relationship just happen to you, you will have to work for it and often times work hard. I have so often heard people of the self-proclaimed nerdy persuasion malign about how they "just can't get girls/guys" and one of their friends tells them "hey, you're awesome! you don't need to change. you'll find the right girl/guy". To be brutally honest, that is not entirely true and such advice can often lead to a person screwing themselves over. While one should never compromise the core of their inner being, finding and starting a relationship is much like having and maintaining one; it takes change, compromise and growth. You really have to put your best attempt at your best foot forward which means you have to portray yourself in the best way you can. The way you portray yourself when meeting someone sends a lot of non-verbal signals; everything from how you dress, to how well groomed you are, to even how you speak and interact. Basically you need to portray that you care about and value yourself which is much more likely to result in a person responding to that and seeing value in you. Things that can help with this are to dress nicely, not over the top mind you but not like a slob, to keep yourself groomed by maintaining you facial hair and such, and most of all be confident in yourself and your own self worth (do I sound like a broken record yet?). These things may sound silly, lame or whatever, but it is surprising how things like these really can make you feel good about yourself which will breed self-confidence. Approach interactions with potential romantic interests with the mindset that your presence there is valuable and that the person you are interacting with is valuable, this sets the precedence that both people are valued and therefore the interaction is more likely to be valued.
Always try to be the best you that you can be and when you feel you have achieved that try to be even better. This will build the value others see in you and the value you see in yourself.

Don't stress yourself out over this concept of "relationships require work" and instead think of it as work to help you love yourself and to self improve, that way you are in the right place internally to pursue a successful relationship when the time and right person comes along.

Whew ... I think that is enough rambling and "Dear Abbey"ing for the night.

Anyways, I hope my opinions and advice prove some benefit to you and best of luck in not only finding someone else to love, but finding you can love yourself.

Always remember, there is no advice guaranteed to bring you success, there is no silver love bullet, no metaphorical Cupid's arrow. I don't even believe what I have said will work for everyone, people are too varied and complicated.
The only things that are universally true is that anything that has true value has to be worked for and earned, including relationships and that true success is the result of failing over and over and learning from each and every one.

[Anienai]

-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtBb4ASMeQ4

Listen to the prophet.

[Nandalowell]

I'm afraid I relate to OP on a spiritual level.

Out of experience on both sides I will agree that desperation is an ugly thing, a very ugly thing! I've been scared away by it and have driven someone away with it.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I can guarantee you're not as bad as you think are. Even if some days you feel as if no one on this green Earth could ever possibly love a person like you you're wrong.

I can't tell you 'you'll meet someone eventually!' because you know, it doesn't work that way for everyone.. But it's really not gonna happen if you turn into a basement dwelling 30 something recluse who works a job they hate that's made them come to loathe the human race and is destined to die a crazy ferret hoarder- Oh wait, that's me. Don't turn into me, get out there and live, for you.

[Vahlnir]

While this probably wasn't the best place to post your frustrations...I suppose you've gotta start somewhere. So, I will give you my opinion on this. Some of the best things in life aren't what you expect to happen. They simply happen. Relationships can potentially work the same way. So, I vote you step away from "the search" for a little while, maybe try and reprioritize yourself. You're going to drive yourself insane otherwise. Who knows what'll happen? That special someone could come into your life in the most unexpected way at the most unexpected time.

[Leowilde]

I can relate somewhat, staying single and virgin until 30. I did date, but nothing led home. In any case, I'd been browsing online dating sites for years and years, and it was getting frustrating to the point of depression. Missing that feeling of companionship. I did have friends, but haha, that's not the same.

Then one desperate afternoon, I saw this perfect (to my taste) profile. Gamer like me, looking kind, could actually write more profile text than "pm me for questions". But we lived faaar apart in our country, and according to profile text, neither of us wanted to move over distance (eventually ofc). So that was no option.

I wrote then my worst opening datingsite private message. No finesse, no actual hope for positive reply, just anger lol.

"I guess there's no point in this message since none of us wanna move, but you have a nice profile, so."

Heh. That was almost three years ago, and we've been chatting, text and phone, almost every day, and visited each other. We've now decided to finally move together.

My point is - NEVER tell yourself you have nothing to offer that other's don't. Love isn't about that. It's about chemistry, and that stuff doesn't work according to human logic. So what, that gamer dude is more buff, taller, more experienced, socially skilled (ugh)... whatever. She might choose you ovee that guy any day, if he's not her taste. Seriously. But things don't click quickly for everyone.

Also, remember - not all those happy couples grow old together. In and out of the dating field is quite common.

Good luck, mate.

Also - why can't I edit my post on phone?

[Kakiko]

I'm not shy about this. I got dumped out of the blue last week. It sucked. It hurt a lot, because the words used were cruel and as though chosen to cause the most harm, coming from a person who claimed they loved me. The words used were also similar words, and the circumstance was almost identical, to ones said to me last year by another fellow I had fallen head over heels for, and also came out of the blue that time. I'm 32, never married, no kids, and some days it feels like time is running out for me. But that's on me; those feelings are my own and I recognize that there are 7 billion plus people on this planet. It's statistically impossible that there is no one out there with whom I would be compatible. The same goes for you.

I could give up. You could give up.
But life's not about giving up.

You take time. You re-evaluate yourself. You get really intimate with your flaws and your strengths, and you build from there.

You're better and I'm better than what we've had or lost.

One of my favourite quotes: "If all you do is all you've ever done, then all you'll get is all you've ever got." Meaning, get out of your comfort zone and break your cycle. It's hard and it sucks. Humans are creatures of habit. We get comfortable and we stay in our rut. But that rut will only lead us to more of the same. Break free and carve a new path.

I started hitting the gym and the pool this week. It sucks; I'm fat (flaw) but I'm determined that I am going to leave my ex in my dust and I will f*cking shine so bright while he will still be where he is now: living w/ his parents, working a minimum wage job, doing nothing with his life but playing video games and looking for someone who doesn't take "energy" or "patience" to be with.

Carve your path. No one else is going to do it for you.

Coming from a female perspective: Confidence is key. We can sniff out insecurity a mile away and insecurity usually means that we're going to have to constantly be trying to raise you up and oftentimes without reciprocation. I've had insecure guys, and they may have been nice people but absolutely no one can give you self-confidence but yourself. You have stuff to offer, don't sell that short and don't fixate or focus on your negatives when reaching out to potential partners. Focus on what you can offer someone else, what you bring to the table, because relationships are partnerships first and foremost, even if you have to "fake it 'til you make it", come in with a swagger and a "yea, this is me - this is why I'm awesome!." Furthermore, I know it's easy to fall into the "woe is me" state, but nip that in the bud. You and only you are responsible for your emotions and your attitude in life. No one else. And to echo what someone else said, you should want to be in a relationship because you like that person, not because you just want a relationship.

So to recap:

Carve your own path.
Learn/gain some self-confidence in what you, personally, bring to the table in a relationship.
Realize that only you are responsible for your life and your emotional state.
Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.

Best of luck!

[Wilford111]

Thank you everyone, for being so supportive and helpful. Honestly I wasn't expecting such positive responses from so many people.

Reading some of these was actually encouraging to me. Some of it was stuff I already knew, but probably the most useful stuff was about telling me to fix my self-esteem. To be honest, I don't know how I can do that. Ever since middle school my self-esteem has been really low, leading to some pretty serious depression at points. I've grown out of it for the most part, but I can't deny that it still comes up now and then. Especially when it comes to comparing myself to others. Comparing myself to others is something that happens so often that it is built into my psyche and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know what to do.

But at least I know what to work on. You've all been super helpful. I'm not quite at the point of wanting to try again, but it's back to the point where it's up in the air.