Tips on being a mentor but not sounding bossy

[Raqrie_Tohka]

From what I'm seeing in this article much of the discussion has been centered on "how to word it". But I will say that it is not the priority at all. Please allow me tell you a personal story.
Warning: Long Post.

My first FC in this game was headed by an ... eccentric, person. Some may call them weird. Some even nasty. But regardless of what others think, I stuck with him. Eventually, I was one of the only people who could communicate with him properly, others would barely be able to understand what he said. It's not that he's bad at words; he understand multiple languages, but English isn't his main. Fortunately, I have experience with multiple languages (more than some other people) and I know what happens to the image of a person, even their perceived unconscious thoughts, when trying to use an unfamiliar language.

But even if he was just a gruff, nonverbal person 'raised by wolves', with all the quirks and disservice that comes with it, he still has a right to play this game. Good people have a right to play this game just as much as someone more deadened perhaps by real life circumstances beyond their control. Smart people have a right to buy this game to entertain themselves just as much as more "straightforward" and "single-minded" people. I know much can be argued about this, but goddamit please try to listen for a second. They are people too. And we live in the same world whether we like it or not. The world's problems are not someone else's problems.

[SPOILER] I stayed with him longer than all the other groups who came and went in our FC. Because I would see to the end of this and make my conclusion for myself. And a conclusion I did make, which was that he's not only no worse at anyone else, than most other people, but possibly better than a lot of "normal" people. I tested him, discreetly, on almost all manners a person could be tested on. And in the simplest way to put it, he's not a bad person. His morals, philosophies, and actual intent and reasoning behind actions are sound, no less sound than any other just or ethical person.

But that does not mean his actions in-game will reflect that. His ... eccentricity and quirks, may get in the way, but never in a way which was run-debilitating. And it only happened a minority of the time. While I cannot defend him on all his actions, he did stop doing the "join duty as conjurer than see if he could heal through that without becoming white mage" thing, about an expansion or two ago. So he does listen.

But another time, there was this tank doing massive pulls so he had to spam non-stop cure 3. Tank blamed him for aggro. Tank under a pile of enemies. He said "tank was bad tank". Tank simply stopped in dungeon. He simply said tank was bad again. Rage ensues. Tank waits out leave timer and leaves. We do adds without a tank. Other tank joins, we finish dungeon just fine. Only reason other dps probably didn't instant leave as well, was because of how I tried to defuse the situation. It was possibly the most stark example of his personality. Textbook case-study scenario? (If they ever make a course for being a mentor, please use this as a case study.) The rest of this paragraph will be a quick description my judgement on this case, skip spoilers if you're not interested in this incident.
[SPOILER] So we have 4 people in a level synced dungeon. Tank is Pal,
healer is my friend, WHM. I am BRD. Other dps is NIN. Looks like a milk run. Tank pulls 3x adds. Healer is getting warmed up. proceeds to spam cure 3. Draws aggro. Has to double heal now. Tank gets perma-hammered, eats aoe and we barely live through that.
Tank pulls 3x on next slope. We run to keep up. Healer can't heal efficiently while running. Tank dies. Wipe and adds chase us all the way to entrance. We res and do do it slowly until reach first boss. Healer says tank is bad. Tank refutes. Healer says it again. Healer keeps saying it. Rest is history. [/SPOILER]
[SPOILER] What I perceived from this particular incident, is that what he was trying to say was probably that tank was bad because tank didn't know to ask if big pull was ok first before doing big pulls, didn't adjust his pulls after seeing healer struggle, showed negative emotion and attitude after feedback (despite feedback also being ... prickly), and bossily afk'd then left dungeon even after at least one other person tried to theoretically side with him in an attempt to salvage the run. Healer agreed he did not express intentions clearly, and did not heal to his best extent for the whole duration. (He healed much better for the rest of the run). I agreed that although what he said was technically accurate (tank was "bad" tank), but he was also "bad" healer, he shouldn't have said it that way, but on the other hand there was no obligation for him to "explain" every little point on why the tank was "bad" and attempt to salvage the run. But weirdly, I couldn't even tell if he was genuinely angry during or at that encounter. I myself would have been, in his place, but I generally don't put myself into situations like that, and I know that there have been others in his situation but chose not to get "angry". His philosophy may have been a bit different from me too, in that even if he was in a situation like that, he thinks he generally did not have an "obligation" to explain to other people "obvious" things. And how from what he perceived, tanks think they are "entitled" to support from the rest of the party, because the queue is dependent on them, the run is dependent on them, and they are the "boss", this perception may have also unconsciously affected his already questionable social skills.[/SPOILER]

But I agreed with him ... and perhaps for that, I was unconsciously biased in my judgement, and was slightly empathetic, leaning towards him as a friend, too. That he may be "different", but only so. Yet he did not have an obligation to pander for other's favor. Nor was it fine for others to discriminate. And if there was a problem, I would step in and explain for him, or defend him if need be. But secretly, maybe I just hoped he wouldn't stir up trouble with others, for others, again. But somehow, I was not too worried about the latter point, because I had reached my conclusion, and I would trust him to not do it on ill will. So I left him be, and to this day he enjoys his quiet corner running a newcomer friendly FC, and offers help, "if need help, just ask", to not just me, but as an officially open stance as well. And he has yet to let me down on that claim. You wouldn't expect that from someone who repeatedly tells a tank in a dungeon "You are a bad tank", eh, after just letting tank die as a healer. You'd just report and kick them for harassment. But then again, who knew what negative circumstances affected the tank that day, too ... well, one can't save everyone. [/SPOILER]

When I was very young, I once had this 'friend' who would call me 'Hitler'. He was possibly autistic or something. At any rate, this person was quite visibly and unquestionably ... different. Tall, lanky, visibly different in not just mannerisms, but in a way that you could see it from a mile away he was not very sound in mind. He once spit on me too, with all symbolic mannerisms of disdain, too. While others would respond with something like a punch, we walked home together. And we did it again. Eventually I never saw him again, and in our society one can only guess what happened to him ... but he left me with two precious things. One was that I realized, from being called Hitler, is that "you know what, he's right". And keeping that in mind has possibly prevented me from actually becoming anything resembling Hitler. Secondly, the time with him was the first of many uses of the ability to communicate with, deal with, and cope with many undesirable and "different" people both in my academics, business, and life. And this ability to empathize and communicate with even "weird" people, even "bad" people, even "unsafe" people, even just for business, has been helpful and quite justly so, in my own business, in staying smart, and staying safe. And latest, in trying to get a point across in a mentoring system of a game.

[This paragraph is TL;DR]
And that point is, if you haven't already got the gist of it already, is that the point of helping, nay, communicating in general, isn't about how nicely you put it. It is both much more complex yet much more relevant that that. It's not even about how to best and efficiently help. We hear about debates on how to best "help" refugees, communities, etc. all the time. "Should we give hand-outs, or rule them, or train an educate them, or engage in trade with them, or just kill them all?' But in the core of it is empathy, better knowledge, realization of the world we live in together, and how in the end, there is so much out there, possibly much of which matters, and how so little we have to do, and can do, with that. 'Nicely' is sometimes not even desired. It is but one form of, no not even a form, but a minor detail of the form of the process itself. One does not question whether it is just for SE to think that a "Mentor" system was founded out of business reasons too, and why they don't just get more GMs, and other stuff like that. It's here to stay, it's stance is as much, you can participate in it or not, but what you do would not have been different had there not been a system such as this in the first place. If you were someone who would have helped to begin with, you would help regardless of if you are a mentor or not. One might even be offended to think that this "mentor" system has replaced common respect amongst players, and actual respect, with a 'status title' and a handy chat. Respect is not the same as pandering for favor ... what's for friends without some teasing and poking and jokes? Great art need not be pandering, for instead of your favor, it gains your respect. Getting micro-aggressive over micro-aggression, in a game, is this how far we have gone now? Is this what this game is now? Bickering over how best to put "advice". All I can say is, if it'll happen, it'll happen naturally or not at all. And if you want to play diplomatic games with text-puzzles, those who would actually play something like that with you would have no help in accomplishing your actual goal at all.

So we come back to the starting point now. But with a slightly different perspective now, hopefully. So, are you gonna "offer" your help now, or will you simply be the help? I'm done with this thread. Good luck.

P.S. The "eccentric" guy applied to become a mentor, too. I said good luck to him as well.