None of those techniques worked... same results every time.

What I've noticed is the launcher, which updated first, is showing version 2017.07.10.0000.0001(2671363). Where the update falls flat on its face is attempting to update ffxiv - 2017.07.11.0000.0000. Now, I know as much about patching as I do red herrings, but that seems a bit off, not to mention it's trying to update to, I assume, data from a week ago.

The resulting error message states:

Unable to update patch files.
[11006][20815][20866][19900][32]
C:/Program Files (x86)/SquareEnix/FINAL FANTASY XIV - A Realm Reborn/game/ffxiv.exe

I've tried literally everything that was mentioned in this thread and elsewhere. Nothing's working. I was hoping to log in to tend my gardens before taking off for the evening, but that doesn't seem to be happening... hopefully this gets fixed by tonight when I get home.