Retainer Ad-Venture Contest (EU) - Entry Thread

[ArmchairTitan]

Character: Clipper Bee
World: Siren
Prize: Bluebird Earring


Diary Entry #194 - 18th Sun, 2nd Moon, 9:38pm.

She makes me dress like her.

That's creepy, right? We even have the same hair!

I mean, what are the odds that she just happened to find me, her Lalafell doppelganger, by random chance? Gods-damned zero percent, that's what. I'll tell you what I think.

I think she was stalking me.

I must sound crazy, but it's the only explaination! She specifically asked for me by name. I don't know what sort of twisted plan she has for me, but I won't be sticking around to find out.

She thinks I'm out on one of her crazy ventures right now. She hands me two pitiful coins and expects me to go out on some eighteen hour treasure hunt to the middle of Northern Thanalan, all to bring back another pointless trinket to add to her pointless bloody collection.

Well not this time.

I've been taking a cut of her market board sales. Just a little bit of gil each time. "Oh, taxes are up today master!" "Oh, bids have been low lately master!"

Adjusting the ledger was easy. That's my job, right? She's too rich to notice. Probably sleeps on vanya silk sheets.

Anyway, I used that gil to buy a ticket for the ferry from Aleport to the Isles of Umbra. She’d never think to look for me there. I’m going to hide out for a while until she thinks I’m dead, then I’ll use the rest of my savings to start a new life. Maybe I’ll be a Weaver.

But for now, I wait.

The creatures out here are weird. Huge insects, spectral wisps, reanimated skeletons. I even saw a bug wearing a black helmet. What’s with that?

I would be more creeped out but it’s surprisingly bright out here thanks to the light from Pharos Sirius. It’s actually kind of pretty. I also met a group of travellers near the shore so I haven’t been short of company. They’re all drunk as sailors. Maybe they’re actually sailors.

Anyway, I should get some sleep. I bet master is already beside herself with worry. Well good! That’ll teach her not to be such a weirdo. I’ll pray to The Twelve for her next retainer, but that’s not my business now.

It’s a bright new day tomorrow. On to new horizons!


The preceding is an extract from a diary found buried in the sand on the Isles of Umbra by a travelling Hyur fisherman. There are no further entries.

[Rubieus]

Rubieus Amrita
Masamune
Scarf of Wondrous Writ

The Eorzean Job; as told by Kobira of House Amrita

The familiar ring of the Retainer's Bell made her look up from the table she had been staring at. Scattered upon it were dozens of maps, each marked with optimal roads and accommodations. The City-States were there, but she had acquired Ishgard and the surrounding areas as well. She called out "In here" as she pushed all of them off the table then reached down under it for a crate. It made a hard thud as it was placed on the sturdy table.

"Kobira, my favorite, I got your message.. So you have it?" She ignored the obvious and began to undo the straps on the crate. It had been previously secured with chains and locks, but once she had it in her possession, the security measures would have been overkill and she wanted it presented with a bit more posh when he came around to retrieve it.

"Why the silent treatment? You got what I asked for and I paid you well for it.. Let me guess, it wasn't enough? Fine fine I'll double the usual rate.."
She slammed the lid back down over the crate and stared hard into the dark pools of his eyes. If he wasn't so damned powerful.. She would.. What would she do? He was her master and she respected him. Even if he was oblivious of her feelings. He stared back as he always did. Calm, calculated, what she wouldn't give to know what was on his mind. She saw the twitch in his neck.. His scales would stop part of her attack, if she was swift.. No, best not.

"It's not that, it's just.. You didn't tell me this was what you wanted." He looked puzzled.. "What are you talking about? I sent you out to pick up some things from Dry Bone." She shook her head "It.. Things got complicated." He laughed then, and her spine weakened. "So what happened? No wait, start from the beginning." He spoke casually as he took a seat on her couch. It was a gift from him.. She liked how he laid in it.

"Well, I went to Drybone just like you asked, for Ishgardian Crate"

~Two Weeks ago~

It was dry and dusty, as expected of such a place, a place where someone of my particular talents could come and go as I pleased. I was a day early, which suited me plenty as I wanted to head off as soon as I got the package. This heat was cramping my style.

I spent the day eating ice cubes and doing a few leves for the town to pad my coffers and slept in the best room as a show of their appreciation.. I'd have appreciated it more if it had air conditioning. The next morning I awoke to find a messenger had come in the night and had delivered a note. "Wagon attacked by bandits, cargo lost. Apologies." I ignited the note and gritted "Now, that just won't do." I said to myself.
(To Be Continued, $2.00 DLC)

[StrejdaTom]

So you want me to tell you a bit about my adventures? Well, sure I can do that, but don't tell my employer! She definitely isn't one of those who can appreciate hard work.

Yesterday I was having some nice catnip when someone rang the bell like a madman. Ofcourse it was her again. I was expecting 18 hour shift, that's what I usually do.

It might seem a bit rough to work for 18 hours but that's not how it works at all. Actually I just go hunt a few Yaks and then spend the rest of day sipping on their milk and basking in sunlight on cozy chair in Costa del Sol. When my shift ends I usually have just 10 bottles of milk left but my employer seems to be fine with that, or atleast used to be.

She sent me on so called quick venture. Wanted me to return with goodies in 1 hour. I am no Kobold, how can I even hoard stuff so fast? And when will I get my catnip? But then I came up with nice idea!

All around Goblet there are so many houses full of nice stuff. I thought that no one would notice if I borrowed something. I slipped into one house, the door were unlocked, so I guess it was fine. There was also this huge wedding cake, untouched. I thought it was already running close to its expiration date so I ate it. Then I took a small lamp, it was already catching dust so I think no one will mind that.

In the end, I think I did quite fine. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even deserve me, I carry a lot of beautiful clothes for her but I am only allowed to wear her old stuff she no longer wants. It is hard to work as a retainer!

Oh, and here is a photo of me in case you were looking for a capable retainer. But please, don't tell my boss I am looking for a new job!



Charecter Name: T'aretha Tyaka
World Name: Ragnarok
Choice: Scarf of Wondrous Wit

[LeafElksthorne]

“Meow! What now?”

“Chill Madam Pouncer, I’m just lookin’ to get some Yak Milk. You know, same old, same old. Gotta keep the static fed.”

Madam arches her brows, silently cleans herself as cats are prone to, never breaking eye-contact. Leaf Penguin’herder, Warrior of Light, Bard, crafter, seasoned Elezen adventurer—he’s not going to let her win yet another stare off…

“What you never saw a cat clean herself?”

“It’s not going to work. I need the Yak Milk.”

“Go ahead, stare into my cat-eyes. You’re getting sleepy Warrior of Light. Sleeeeepyyyyyy…”

“And I’m used to you licking yourself in public. I’m not going to get embarrassed and leave you alone this time.”

“Meow fine! But I’m boooored to DEATH of Yak Milk! I want to go on an adventure!”

Leaf sighs and shakes his head, “We’ve been through this. Yak Milk is important. In the time it would take me to gather Yak Milk I could die at least a dozen times in Alexander Savage. Besides, last time I sent you on an 18 hour adventure you brought back a hide. It wasn’t even a high quality hide. I have to be honest I didn’t even try to sell it I just tossed it.”

“Meow! You what! I worked hard for that hide.”

A moment of silence.

“Well I worked kind of hard.”

The Warrior of Light arches his brow.

“Okay, okay I was going to get something better I swear but then I took a catnap and I woke up and before I knew it I only had a couple hours left and it’s not like I have my own Chocobo here! So I shot the first thing I saw with this nifty bow and brought it back to you!”

“Huh, nifty bow you say let me see that thing.”

“Oh yeah, I love this bow… it’s big and powerful and fun to use…”

“And ilvl 190 I see. Nice. You know how many times I had to kill Ravana so you could use this nice bow?”

“Meow. I know where this is going and I don’t like it…”

“Yep, a lot of hours in Ravana just so you could have nicer things. You know who else would like nicer things?”

“Listen, I promise this time is going to be different. I’ll put the bow to good use! That or my sneaky cat skills—one way or another you won’t be sorry. I just need 18 hours. Oh please please please please please please…”

“Okay, okay. But this is your last chance Madam. I really need something cool. I really want to be WOW’ed this time!”

“You bet! Meow!”

*enter this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqPV_vEQAPk but pretend that says Madam Pouncer instead of the four Warriors of Light*

** Dramatic Announcer Voice** “And so Madam Pouncer’s quest began. As the retainer of the Warrior of Light, she felt overwhelmed by the great task destiny had placed before her. She did not know the true significance of the four crystals (in fact four crystals have nothing to do with retainers) but she did know she didn’t want to be stuck bringing back Yak Milk for the rest of her days… etc. etc.”

--Back to Madam Pouncer’s adventure—

“Hm, what could I bring back the Warrior of Light? Ooh! I know! Bahamut’s heart! I’ll shoot that mean old Bahamut right in the butt! Then I’ll claw him! Then I’ll scratch his Bahamut eyes out! Warrior of Light will be so impressed I’ll never have to get Yak Milk again! As a matter of fact he’ll probably promote me to adventurer! Yeah, meow! That’s what’ll happen!”

And so Madam Pouncer, with all of the enthusiasm and optimism of a young cat adventurer, set off all by herself to Bahamut’s layer…

“WHO GOES THERE!”

“Meow! I’ve been caught!” Pouncer’s fur sticks up and she scrambles around the arena like… well like a cat running away from Bahamut.

“HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! MUHAHAHA!” Explosions ensue, general terror, in the confusion she hears a small voice, “kookooroo?” Just outside the arena, a small opening. “kookooroo!” No time to analyze the source of the voice she dives through and escapes Bahamut’s clutches.

“Woo! That was close. Hey pal, thanks for showing me that opening. Now scram fur ball, I’m on important Warrior of Light business. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Kookooroo!”

“No seriously this is dangerous stuff. You don’t want to get involved… Okay fine, listen I need to bring the Warrior of Light something really cool or he’s just going to keep sending me to get Yak Milk. I thought Bahamut would be a good idea but then I changed my mind… no I wasn’t in danger I just decided I didn’t want… listen who are you to judge fur ball? I don’t have time for this. Something from Shiva. Yeah that’s more the Warrior of Light’s style.”

And so Madam Pouncer journeyed far north, to Shiva’s layer. “Hey fur ball, why are you still here? Ugh, this is way too cold. You’re not cold? You’re used to it? Yeah I have fur too but… whatever you know what this cold business is for the birds… birds. Yeah! Garuda! That’s who I’ll defeat!

But Garuda’s layer proved too windy for the little cat. Ifrit’s too hot. Titan’s too shaky. Leviathan’s too wet…

“Oh what am I going to do? I only have a couple hours left. Oh well a hide it is I guess. *Pew, Pew, Pew* Oh neat look, another raptor skin. *Sigh* I guess I’m just going to be stuck getting Yak Milk forever. Maybe I’m not cut out for this adventuring business…”

--A couple hours later—

“Oh, hey Leaf, what’s up?”

“Madam. No witty banter today?”

“I’m just not feeling up to it.”

“Uh oh, don’t tell me…”

Madam Pouncer holds up an NQ Raptor Skin. “It’s not as bad as it looks I swear! I didn’t even take a catnap! I saw Bahamut, and Shiva, and Garuda and… besides you could make something nice with this right? Raptor Skins. You used to use them all the time!”

“Kookooroo!”

Leaf is scratching his chin, looking at his retainer, her average ilvl of over 180, and is wondering where he went wrong, when a tinkle, a glimmer of hope, enters his conscious, “Madam, what was that noise?”

“Oh that? That’s just fur ball. He’s annoying. Been following me around all day. I can’t get him to leave. Shoo! You dumb fur ball no one knows what kookooroo means!”

“Madam! You know what that is?”

“Yeah I just said, it’s annoying…”

“No! That’s Littlefoot! That’s the best thing you’ve ever brought me!”

“This guy? …or I mean… YEAH! THIS GUY! See here you go Leaf! Just like I said!”

“Madam, you did really great this time. Maybe I’ll start sending you on more adventures.”

Madam Pouncer remembers the terror of Bahamut’s layer, the cold of Shiva, all the wind in Garuda… “Well, adventuring is nice and all, but I don’t mind bringing Yak Milk now and then I guess.”

“No way Madam. You’re officially promoted to Field Explorer! I mean, I’ll need Yak Milk and Dragon Blood now and then, but there is definitely more adventuring in your future!”

“Meow. Haha.” She laughs nervously, “That sounds great.”

To Be Continued Someday Far From Now…

-Leaf Penguin’herder, Faerie, Scarf of Wondrous Wit

Edit Bah humbug. EU only. I saw it on reddit and just clicked over. Oh well better than working I guess.

[AibohphobiA_BoB]

Some people think that we retainers bring back some random stuff. That's misunderstanding and underestimating our job. Of course we've an off day sometimes and it's tempting to buy some rubbish on the market. But no, we never do that, we carefully look what suits our client. Clients often complain about the items we offer. Considering almost all clients are lousy tippers, it's a wonder we bring stuff back anyway.

Well, there is a good reason for keep bringing back the fish. The fish is not an item, it's actually a message.
When I bring a Blindfish for example, I try to tell you to look at my clothing. Most of the time I get the leftovers, which is not necessarily bad. But sometimes I really wish I could catch a Color-blindfish to make a more firm statement. The message here is 'Please give me a nice dress instead of this baggy trouser'.

Today I had a look at the FC house. This is a nice place if you like standards. Almost everything has it's standard brown color. Although the quality furnishing is not too bad, it looks a bit boring to me.
So I brought five times in a row a nice fancy dye for my client. But he immediately sold my carefully selected rainbow-set to a vendor.
I was very angry about that. I went to my private room and slammed the door.
Next venture I bring a Clown loach for him. Take that!


Character: Aibohphobia Bob
World: Cerberus
Item: Bluebird Earring

[LordAros]

"Master better appreciate the six hours i waited in party finder, another four doing run and re-runs to get the practice in, the numerous wipes we endured to get him this 'Whisker's' item i heard him chat about." Raze says in a cheerfull tune as the group ventures back towards Gridania. Spring in his step to deliver to his master a wanted item instead of the usual fish he usually brought with him in hopes his master would make a fine meal out of it, but never did.

As the group returned to Gridania, the group disbanded and Raze returned to present his price. Moogle Mog XII's Whisker's!
Raze had done numerous attempts to bring his master something worthy, something.. that would make him proud! And once he had overheard his master talk about how much he was in need of some special whiskers from the moogle king, and checking around, he found out the items name and where to try and collect it, now finally, he had!


****
Five minutes later.
****

Raze presents the item to his master in the best mood he has been in for days as he hands master his price and....

"Moogle Mog XII's Whisker's.... not again... i wanted Kingly whiskers... not this crap..."

After his master used his *Discard* Function and returned to his travels, Raze was found passed out on the floor in the Shaded Bower and not accepting the 'Raise's' Cast on him.




Character name; Lord Aros
World Name; Cerberus.
Prize; Ahriman Choker

[Applesnap]

High above the Twelveswood, a roiling storm stirs the heavens into a torrent of steel fury. Lightning strikes quick and hard, charging the very air with static aether and whilst sensible beings take shelter during such inclement weather, Anders cherishes the experience. Currently venturing out at the behest of his master, he recalls her words even now.

“There’s only so much you can learn ensconced within Gridania’s walls, Anders,” she’d said long ago, reclining back onto the sofa and cradling a mug of hot tea in her hands. “I want you to go out and experience the world. Live a little.”

These days, rosewood from The Bramble Patch is easy harvesting but Anders figures it turns decent profit. Mistress Delouix won’t be too displeased. After brushing through dense thicket and passing a particularly dour-looking Roegadyn huddled beneath a tree, Anders stops short upon hearing a shrill cry.

Spattered in mud and cowering upon the rain-pelted ground is a young Miqo'te woman, dwarfed by the morbol barely ten fulms away. Its writhing tendrils slap and slither against sodden earth, leaving a trail of brown slurry in its wake. Anders panics. He can hardly fight such a dangerous foe with botanists’ tools. One snap of those whip-like vines can break a man’s neck, so he’s heard. Perhaps he can distract it …

A lance flies out of nowhere, piercing the morbol’s flesh neatly. Lightning quick strikes and the nightmarish seedkin is dead upon the ground, severed vines still twitching with a residual flicker of life. An Elezen man sidesteps the carcass, offers a hand to the Miqo'te, who rises from the ground and begins to cry. Clutched in her trembling grasp is a shortsword dripping with mud.

They’re adventurers, Anders remarks silently, recognising the gulf of experience between them – one, a leather-clad gladiator and her saviour, a dragoon dressed in custom platemail. Whereas she’s soaked through, the rain slicks down his expensive armour and leaves nary a mark in comparison; flawless and untouchable.

Years working for his master and Anders has never thought of her adventuring ways. He’s only sold on the rewards of such, maintained the grounds and gardens, called for additional services when required, but now he sees Coco in another light. She does this on a daily basis along with her peers – on a much grander scale. It’s the adventurers so steeped in life’s experiences that keep the realm safe, protect people, fight off enemy forces. They are the ones risking their lives each and every day, often without due recompense. Standing there in the Twelveswood, rain cascading down all around him, Anders feels humbled. He decides that today he’ll fetch something his master will really appreciate.

Much later on, Coco is exhausted and overwrought, but she’s much happier for the pitcher of freshly-brewed coffee; dark, delicious and brought home as a pouch of roasted beans by Anders, her long-serving and faithful retainer.

Character: Coco Delouix.
Server: Balmung.
Requested prize: Bluebird earring.

[OllieWoods]

"Kojinela?"

"NYAAAAAAH! TWISTER YOU'RE BACK!" Exclaimed the unruly Miqo'te as she bounded toward him. With Coeurl like speed and precision she leapt and flung her arms around him, ensnaring him in her awkward embrace.

"Well hello to you! Do you have the ink and quill i paid you for?" He asked while he staggered, trying to keep himself grounded as he lifted her off of him.

"Um, no... Not exactly, but trust me, i got you something even better! Wanna see?" She searched her person, and found what she was looking for... "Close your eyes, and hold out your hands silly!"

He anxiously obeyed, typically the Miqo'te brought him back one thing, and one thing only... he felt something touch his hands...

"I brought you a..."

He opened his eyes, although the stench was a clear indication as to what it was long before any of his other senses were involved...

"Lominsan Anchovy." His smile somewhat forced.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S MY FAVOURITE! LOOK AT IT, IT'S BIGGER THAN THE OTHER ONES, IT LOOKS TASTIER THAN THE OTHERS TOO, OH MY OH MY!" Koji's eyes widened as did her smile, as if in a state of pure ecstasy.

"It... sure is something! This is certainly a high quality anchovy." He weakly smiled again, perplexed by the woman's child like fascination with the fish.

"I'm glad you like it, i had to make room in my bag for it, it's hard carrying around all of your clutter! I wouldn't have been able to carry it if i didn't get rid of that whisker i found earlier!" She explained, still looking at the fish, drooling like a patron of the Drowning Wench after hours.

"Whisker..."

Suddenly the gil dropped...


Character: Twister Phase
Server: Cerberus
Choice: Scarf of Wonderous Wit

[SoloKing]

After bidding adieu to Master, who paid me yet again with those Venture tokens (never any coin..), I decided to gather up a few things for my journey.

However, as I entered my private chambers, my eyes couldn't help glancing towards my bed.. it beckoned to me..

"I suppose a quick cat-nap wouldn't hurt," I thought, "it would be foolish of me to not. What if I were to pass out due to exhaustion? Master wouldn't want that.."

As I changed into some nightwear and climbed into my bed, I said to myself, "Just a few hours.." as my eyes began to shut. Tightly.

Suddenly, I awoke. A feeling of dread shot through my body like a chill in my blood. I leaped out of bed and hurried to my window, hoping to not see daylight.

To my pleasant surprise it was still dark. I sighed with great relief, fearing I had slept until morning.

I made my way downstairs. Weapon, food and water in tow. But as I made my way towards the door, my heart sank. My eyes had skimmed the clock.

It showed that the time was four hours earlier than the time I had gone to sleep. "I..I-", I could not speak. I had no time to speak. I had to find Master something of value, immediately.

Running to the market board, in hopes of finding a rare minion or primal drop for a decent price, I spotted Master warping onto the FC Estate. With no where to go and nothing I could do, I assumed the only logical thing I could do was to come clean and tell Master everything...but instead..

I quickly plunged my hand into a nearby pond, grabbing hold of the first thing my fingers touched. A Brass Loach. And pridefully presented it to him. What he doesn't know can't hurt him.


Yeah I'm no storyteller guys, sorry lol.

Character Name: Deadeye Zai
World: Odin
Choice: Scarf of Wonderous Wit

[Yukileonhart]

Character : Yuki Leonhart
World : Phoenix
Reward: ahriman choker

Will it happend once and we had a laugh on it so the story Riku is telling today is called Love me by a flower or Love me by a rock ...

With a grin on her face she hold Riku's shoulders "make me proud lets be rich bring me something as fancy as your looks" Riku nods back at her as you please ma lady see you tomorrow...... Or so he said
Well what did She want me to get her anyway ..sigh i should snatch her gil and go spend it on drinks and dancers and fancy goods , not run duties for her lazy highness...... And why do i need this heavy looking armor it makes me look dull..... *Throws his armor off and wear south seas talisman* this will do , Now 18 hours what to do hmmmmmm ....... First is first Sleep ...
After 10hours "yawn what time is it .... Ughh 8 hours to go ...* Looks around now what , he drags his legs around the room lets go hunt something she said fancy aye lets go get her something fancy then .... off to Ishgard ..... After 7:45 hours wandering around ughh nothing seem fancy as what she wants .... looks in his clock Oh no 15 minutes what to do ,what to do...... Oh a Deep eye thats a good hunt its tears sells good she will love it .. And soo he runs shouting for my beloved master ....... What .. wait ...... WHERE IS MY SWORD .......... Ugh whatever ill just grab a window from the houses in the mist there is many none will notice *grin* and then shake head and say sorry she will forgive me she always dose .... Wait whats that a vampire plant that looks pretty am sure she will love it ....... Later that day *ring ring* soo my beloved show me what you got *hopes for a minion* ........ *blank expression * "What the... This plant ... Why This only sells for like 100gil come on its useless brings something better next time sigh.... Your being useless lately " and there i thought you will like it mumbling to him self next time ill be sure to bring you a rock ... And that what actually happened on the next venture....