“Meow! What now?”

“Chill Madam Pouncer, I’m just lookin’ to get some Yak Milk. You know, same old, same old. Gotta keep the static fed.”

Madam arches her brows, silently cleans herself as cats are prone to, never breaking eye-contact. Leaf Penguin’herder, Warrior of Light, Bard, crafter, seasoned Elezen adventurer—he’s not going to let her win yet another stare off…

“What you never saw a cat clean herself?”

“It’s not going to work. I need the Yak Milk.”

“Go ahead, stare into my cat-eyes. You’re getting sleepy Warrior of Light. Sleeeeepyyyyyy…”

“And I’m used to you licking yourself in public. I’m not going to get embarrassed and leave you alone this time.”

“Meow fine! But I’m boooored to DEATH of Yak Milk! I want to go on an adventure!”

Leaf sighs and shakes his head, “We’ve been through this. Yak Milk is important. In the time it would take me to gather Yak Milk I could die at least a dozen times in Alexander Savage. Besides, last time I sent you on an 18 hour adventure you brought back a hide. It wasn’t even a high quality hide. I have to be honest I didn’t even try to sell it I just tossed it.”

“Meow! You what! I worked hard for that hide.”

A moment of silence.

“Well I worked kind of hard.”

The Warrior of Light arches his brow.

“Okay, okay I was going to get something better I swear but then I took a catnap and I woke up and before I knew it I only had a couple hours left and it’s not like I have my own Chocobo here! So I shot the first thing I saw with this nifty bow and brought it back to you!”

“Huh, nifty bow you say let me see that thing.”

“Oh yeah, I love this bow… it’s big and powerful and fun to use…”

“And ilvl 190 I see. Nice. You know how many times I had to kill Ravana so you could use this nice bow?”

“Meow. I know where this is going and I don’t like it…”

“Yep, a lot of hours in Ravana just so you could have nicer things. You know who else would like nicer things?”

“Listen, I promise this time is going to be different. I’ll put the bow to good use! That or my sneaky cat skills—one way or another you won’t be sorry. I just need 18 hours. Oh please please please please please please…”

“Okay, okay. But this is your last chance Madam. I really need something cool. I really want to be WOW’ed this time!”

“You bet! Meow!”

*enter this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqPV_vEQAPk but pretend that says Madam Pouncer instead of the four Warriors of Light*

** Dramatic Announcer Voice** “And so Madam Pouncer’s quest began. As the retainer of the Warrior of Light, she felt overwhelmed by the great task destiny had placed before her. She did not know the true significance of the four crystals (in fact four crystals have nothing to do with retainers) but she did know she didn’t want to be stuck bringing back Yak Milk for the rest of her days… etc. etc.”

--Back to Madam Pouncer’s adventure—

“Hm, what could I bring back the Warrior of Light? Ooh! I know! Bahamut’s heart! I’ll shoot that mean old Bahamut right in the butt! Then I’ll claw him! Then I’ll scratch his Bahamut eyes out! Warrior of Light will be so impressed I’ll never have to get Yak Milk again! As a matter of fact he’ll probably promote me to adventurer! Yeah, meow! That’s what’ll happen!”

And so Madam Pouncer, with all of the enthusiasm and optimism of a young cat adventurer, set off all by herself to Bahamut’s layer…

“WHO GOES THERE!”

“Meow! I’ve been caught!” Pouncer’s fur sticks up and she scrambles around the arena like… well like a cat running away from Bahamut.

“HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! MUHAHAHA!” Explosions ensue, general terror, in the confusion she hears a small voice, “kookooroo?” Just outside the arena, a small opening. “kookooroo!” No time to analyze the source of the voice she dives through and escapes Bahamut’s clutches.

“Woo! That was close. Hey pal, thanks for showing me that opening. Now scram fur ball, I’m on important Warrior of Light business. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Kookooroo!”

“No seriously this is dangerous stuff. You don’t want to get involved… Okay fine, listen I need to bring the Warrior of Light something really cool or he’s just going to keep sending me to get Yak Milk. I thought Bahamut would be a good idea but then I changed my mind… no I wasn’t in danger I just decided I didn’t want… listen who are you to judge fur ball? I don’t have time for this. Something from Shiva. Yeah that’s more the Warrior of Light’s style.”

And so Madam Pouncer journeyed far north, to Shiva’s layer. “Hey fur ball, why are you still here? Ugh, this is way too cold. You’re not cold? You’re used to it? Yeah I have fur too but… whatever you know what this cold business is for the birds… birds. Yeah! Garuda! That’s who I’ll defeat!

But Garuda’s layer proved too windy for the little cat. Ifrit’s too hot. Titan’s too shaky. Leviathan’s too wet…

“Oh what am I going to do? I only have a couple hours left. Oh well a hide it is I guess. *Pew, Pew, Pew* Oh neat look, another raptor skin. *Sigh* I guess I’m just going to be stuck getting Yak Milk forever. Maybe I’m not cut out for this adventuring business…”

--A couple hours later—

“Oh, hey Leaf, what’s up?”

“Madam. No witty banter today?”

“I’m just not feeling up to it.”

“Uh oh, don’t tell me…”

Madam Pouncer holds up an NQ Raptor Skin. “It’s not as bad as it looks I swear! I didn’t even take a catnap! I saw Bahamut, and Shiva, and Garuda and… besides you could make something nice with this right? Raptor Skins. You used to use them all the time!”

“Kookooroo!”

Leaf is scratching his chin, looking at his retainer, her average ilvl of over 180, and is wondering where he went wrong, when a tinkle, a glimmer of hope, enters his conscious, “Madam, what was that noise?”

“Oh that? That’s just fur ball. He’s annoying. Been following me around all day. I can’t get him to leave. Shoo! You dumb fur ball no one knows what kookooroo means!”

“Madam! You know what that is?”

“Yeah I just said, it’s annoying…”

“No! That’s Littlefoot! That’s the best thing you’ve ever brought me!”

“This guy? …or I mean… YEAH! THIS GUY! See here you go Leaf! Just like I said!”

“Madam, you did really great this time. Maybe I’ll start sending you on more adventures.”

Madam Pouncer remembers the terror of Bahamut’s layer, the cold of Shiva, all the wind in Garuda… “Well, adventuring is nice and all, but I don’t mind bringing Yak Milk now and then I guess.”

“No way Madam. You’re officially promoted to Field Explorer! I mean, I’ll need Yak Milk and Dragon Blood now and then, but there is definitely more adventuring in your future!”

“Meow. Haha.” She laughs nervously, “That sounds great.”

To Be Continued Someday Far From Now…

-Leaf Penguin’herder, Faerie, Scarf of Wondrous Wit

Edit Bah humbug. EU only. I saw it on reddit and just clicked over. Oh well better than working I guess.