Retainer Ad-Venture Contest (EU) - Entry Thread

[Sissyfox]

“You see, Master’s special day is coming up“, the lalafell girl said with a grin. She wore a dress made out of silk from distant Thavnair, it was a gift from her Master. The two retainers had made their way through a secret path, known only because the lalafell had once trailed her Master here on important mission.

“I know Kokoke!” said a pouting Miqo’te girl in simple servant garb.

“Be quiet”, scolded the senior retainer. “I was his first. I’ve been with him ever since he first drove the Serpent Reavers from Sastaha and made a name for himself.”

“We have all heard that tale to death!” Jezah and the rest of the junior retainers had indeed heard the tale quite a few times. Kokoke was a domineering lady and only allowed to very best retainers to help out on ventures. Part of the indoctrination was the heroic tale of how Master had swooped into the caves of Sastasha, killing the pirates and freeing all prisoners. One of those prisoners had been Kokoke.

“As well you should as to better understand the greatness of our Master!” Kokoke stomped the floor and glared at Jezah, “fail at this and I shall see that Master finds a suitable replacement!”

“As you have seen, Master has been hard at practice with this new contraption. It whirs and it fumes with smoke!”

“Yes, it’s called a firear-“

“Do not interrupt me!” Kokoke’s face was red and she shook her head, frustrated with this upstart retainer! “In any case, I’ve been hard at work. You see, a lot of retainers have been crossing the bridge to Ishgard. Some of them are fat with the spoils of war, Allagan artifacts and tokens from the Primals themselves weighing them down.”

“Do you want me to steal a firearm for Master?” stammered Jezah.

“Steal? Oh, no dear Jezay. I figured if there are so many adventurers out there, some are bound to have failed, no? Actually, I know this for a fact. See, there is this particular spot that unwary adventurers end up after tackling the Lord of Crags. Someone who lands on her feet should have no trouble getting there, the floor should be littered with objects that might make for worthy gifts!”

“So that’s why you took me here… to the Navel.” Jezay looked around, thankful there wasn’t any kobolds nearby. “But why can’t you do it?”

“Me?” Kokoke extended a fishing rod with nimble hands and smiled, “I have chubs to catch!”

Character name: Sissy Nyx
World name: Odin
Prize: Scarf of Wondrous Wit

[ArmchairTitan]

Character: Clipper Bee
World: Siren
Prize: Bluebird Earring


Diary Entry #194 - 18th Sun, 2nd Moon, 9:38pm.

She makes me dress like her.

That's creepy, right? We even have the same hair!

I mean, what are the odds that she just happened to find me, her Lalafell doppelganger, by random chance? Gods-damned zero percent, that's what. I'll tell you what I think.

I think she was stalking me.

I must sound crazy, but it's the only explaination! She specifically asked for me by name. I don't know what sort of twisted plan she has for me, but I won't be sticking around to find out.

She thinks I'm out on one of her crazy ventures right now. She hands me two pitiful coins and expects me to go out on some eighteen hour treasure hunt to the middle of Northern Thanalan, all to bring back another pointless trinket to add to her pointless bloody collection.

Well not this time.

I've been taking a cut of her market board sales. Just a little bit of gil each time. "Oh, taxes are up today master!" "Oh, bids have been low lately master!"

Adjusting the ledger was easy. That's my job, right? She's too rich to notice. Probably sleeps on vanya silk sheets.

Anyway, I used that gil to buy a ticket for the ferry from Aleport to the Isles of Umbra. She’d never think to look for me there. I’m going to hide out for a while until she thinks I’m dead, then I’ll use the rest of my savings to start a new life. Maybe I’ll be a Weaver.

But for now, I wait.

The creatures out here are weird. Huge insects, spectral wisps, reanimated skeletons. I even saw a bug wearing a black helmet. What’s with that?

I would be more creeped out but it’s surprisingly bright out here thanks to the light from Pharos Sirius. It’s actually kind of pretty. I also met a group of travellers near the shore so I haven’t been short of company. They’re all drunk as sailors. Maybe they’re actually sailors.

Anyway, I should get some sleep. I bet master is already beside herself with worry. Well good! That’ll teach her not to be such a weirdo. I’ll pray to The Twelve for her next retainer, but that’s not my business now.

It’s a bright new day tomorrow. On to new horizons!


The preceding is an extract from a diary found buried in the sand on the Isles of Umbra by a travelling Hyur fisherman. There are no further entries.

[LeafElksthorne]

“Meow! What now?”

“Chill Madam Pouncer, I’m just lookin’ to get some Yak Milk. You know, same old, same old. Gotta keep the static fed.”

Madam arches her brows, silently cleans herself as cats are prone to, never breaking eye-contact. Leaf Penguin’herder, Warrior of Light, Bard, crafter, seasoned Elezen adventurer—he’s not going to let her win yet another stare off…

“What you never saw a cat clean herself?”

“It’s not going to work. I need the Yak Milk.”

“Go ahead, stare into my cat-eyes. You’re getting sleepy Warrior of Light. Sleeeeepyyyyyy…”

“And I’m used to you licking yourself in public. I’m not going to get embarrassed and leave you alone this time.”

“Meow fine! But I’m boooored to DEATH of Yak Milk! I want to go on an adventure!”

Leaf sighs and shakes his head, “We’ve been through this. Yak Milk is important. In the time it would take me to gather Yak Milk I could die at least a dozen times in Alexander Savage. Besides, last time I sent you on an 18 hour adventure you brought back a hide. It wasn’t even a high quality hide. I have to be honest I didn’t even try to sell it I just tossed it.”

“Meow! You what! I worked hard for that hide.”

A moment of silence.

“Well I worked kind of hard.”

The Warrior of Light arches his brow.

“Okay, okay I was going to get something better I swear but then I took a catnap and I woke up and before I knew it I only had a couple hours left and it’s not like I have my own Chocobo here! So I shot the first thing I saw with this nifty bow and brought it back to you!”

“Huh, nifty bow you say let me see that thing.”

“Oh yeah, I love this bow… it’s big and powerful and fun to use…”

“And ilvl 190 I see. Nice. You know how many times I had to kill Ravana so you could use this nice bow?”

“Meow. I know where this is going and I don’t like it…”

“Yep, a lot of hours in Ravana just so you could have nicer things. You know who else would like nicer things?”

“Listen, I promise this time is going to be different. I’ll put the bow to good use! That or my sneaky cat skills—one way or another you won’t be sorry. I just need 18 hours. Oh please please please please please please…”

“Okay, okay. But this is your last chance Madam. I really need something cool. I really want to be WOW’ed this time!”

“You bet! Meow!”

*enter this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqPV_vEQAPk but pretend that says Madam Pouncer instead of the four Warriors of Light*

** Dramatic Announcer Voice** “And so Madam Pouncer’s quest began. As the retainer of the Warrior of Light, she felt overwhelmed by the great task destiny had placed before her. She did not know the true significance of the four crystals (in fact four crystals have nothing to do with retainers) but she did know she didn’t want to be stuck bringing back Yak Milk for the rest of her days… etc. etc.”

--Back to Madam Pouncer’s adventure—

“Hm, what could I bring back the Warrior of Light? Ooh! I know! Bahamut’s heart! I’ll shoot that mean old Bahamut right in the butt! Then I’ll claw him! Then I’ll scratch his Bahamut eyes out! Warrior of Light will be so impressed I’ll never have to get Yak Milk again! As a matter of fact he’ll probably promote me to adventurer! Yeah, meow! That’s what’ll happen!”

And so Madam Pouncer, with all of the enthusiasm and optimism of a young cat adventurer, set off all by herself to Bahamut’s layer…

“WHO GOES THERE!”

“Meow! I’ve been caught!” Pouncer’s fur sticks up and she scrambles around the arena like… well like a cat running away from Bahamut.

“HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! MUHAHAHA!” Explosions ensue, general terror, in the confusion she hears a small voice, “kookooroo?” Just outside the arena, a small opening. “kookooroo!” No time to analyze the source of the voice she dives through and escapes Bahamut’s clutches.

“Woo! That was close. Hey pal, thanks for showing me that opening. Now scram fur ball, I’m on important Warrior of Light business. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Kookooroo!”

“No seriously this is dangerous stuff. You don’t want to get involved… Okay fine, listen I need to bring the Warrior of Light something really cool or he’s just going to keep sending me to get Yak Milk. I thought Bahamut would be a good idea but then I changed my mind… no I wasn’t in danger I just decided I didn’t want… listen who are you to judge fur ball? I don’t have time for this. Something from Shiva. Yeah that’s more the Warrior of Light’s style.”

And so Madam Pouncer journeyed far north, to Shiva’s layer. “Hey fur ball, why are you still here? Ugh, this is way too cold. You’re not cold? You’re used to it? Yeah I have fur too but… whatever you know what this cold business is for the birds… birds. Yeah! Garuda! That’s who I’ll defeat!

But Garuda’s layer proved too windy for the little cat. Ifrit’s too hot. Titan’s too shaky. Leviathan’s too wet…

“Oh what am I going to do? I only have a couple hours left. Oh well a hide it is I guess. *Pew, Pew, Pew* Oh neat look, another raptor skin. *Sigh* I guess I’m just going to be stuck getting Yak Milk forever. Maybe I’m not cut out for this adventuring business…”

--A couple hours later—

“Oh, hey Leaf, what’s up?”

“Madam. No witty banter today?”

“I’m just not feeling up to it.”

“Uh oh, don’t tell me…”

Madam Pouncer holds up an NQ Raptor Skin. “It’s not as bad as it looks I swear! I didn’t even take a catnap! I saw Bahamut, and Shiva, and Garuda and… besides you could make something nice with this right? Raptor Skins. You used to use them all the time!”

“Kookooroo!”

Leaf is scratching his chin, looking at his retainer, her average ilvl of over 180, and is wondering where he went wrong, when a tinkle, a glimmer of hope, enters his conscious, “Madam, what was that noise?”

“Oh that? That’s just fur ball. He’s annoying. Been following me around all day. I can’t get him to leave. Shoo! You dumb fur ball no one knows what kookooroo means!”

“Madam! You know what that is?”

“Yeah I just said, it’s annoying…”

“No! That’s Littlefoot! That’s the best thing you’ve ever brought me!”

“This guy? …or I mean… YEAH! THIS GUY! See here you go Leaf! Just like I said!”

“Madam, you did really great this time. Maybe I’ll start sending you on more adventures.”

Madam Pouncer remembers the terror of Bahamut’s layer, the cold of Shiva, all the wind in Garuda… “Well, adventuring is nice and all, but I don’t mind bringing Yak Milk now and then I guess.”

“No way Madam. You’re officially promoted to Field Explorer! I mean, I’ll need Yak Milk and Dragon Blood now and then, but there is definitely more adventuring in your future!”

“Meow. Haha.” She laughs nervously, “That sounds great.”

To Be Continued Someday Far From Now…

-Leaf Penguin’herder, Faerie, Scarf of Wondrous Wit

Edit Bah humbug. EU only. I saw it on reddit and just clicked over. Oh well better than working I guess.

[OllieWoods]

"Kojinela?"

"NYAAAAAAH! TWISTER YOU'RE BACK!" Exclaimed the unruly Miqo'te as she bounded toward him. With Coeurl like speed and precision she leapt and flung her arms around him, ensnaring him in her awkward embrace.

"Well hello to you! Do you have the ink and quill i paid you for?" He asked while he staggered, trying to keep himself grounded as he lifted her off of him.

"Um, no... Not exactly, but trust me, i got you something even better! Wanna see?" She searched her person, and found what she was looking for... "Close your eyes, and hold out your hands silly!"

He anxiously obeyed, typically the Miqo'te brought him back one thing, and one thing only... he felt something touch his hands...

"I brought you a..."

He opened his eyes, although the stench was a clear indication as to what it was long before any of his other senses were involved...

"Lominsan Anchovy." His smile somewhat forced.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S MY FAVOURITE! LOOK AT IT, IT'S BIGGER THAN THE OTHER ONES, IT LOOKS TASTIER THAN THE OTHERS TOO, OH MY OH MY!" Koji's eyes widened as did her smile, as if in a state of pure ecstasy.

"It... sure is something! This is certainly a high quality anchovy." He weakly smiled again, perplexed by the woman's child like fascination with the fish.

"I'm glad you like it, i had to make room in my bag for it, it's hard carrying around all of your clutter! I wouldn't have been able to carry it if i didn't get rid of that whisker i found earlier!" She explained, still looking at the fish, drooling like a patron of the Drowning Wench after hours.

"Whisker..."

Suddenly the gil dropped...


Character: Twister Phase
Server: Cerberus
Choice: Scarf of Wonderous Wit

[Kaylie]

Handed to Missmewmew was a pair of venture coins, happily and carefree Missmewmew accepted and began to explore.
This time around she decided to search the mountains of coerthus. High and low she searched for whatever piqued her curiosity, but eventually it got dark and Missmewmew had set a tent and camp fire with a warm bowel of broth.
Still a bit hungry Missmewmew prepares a 2nd bowel but she heard a rustling in the bushes. Hastily and frightened she picked up the hatchet her master Kaylie gave her and approached. She poked around and found a frightened young yeti starving and alone. Feeling sorry for the poor thing she lured it out with her broth and sat it by the warm fire.
Later that night while resting Missmewmew heard movement outside the tent, the young yeti hid under the blankets scared and Missmewmew grabbed her master’s hatchet and slowly exits to check. Upon peeking out Missmewmew noticed 2 men a hyur and a roegaydn sneaking around suspiciously. Missmewmew crept out quietly to get closer.
Hiding behind a tree Missmewmew overheard them talk
Hyur: the tracks lead here, that tiny beast’s here
Roegaydn: it better be or the boss will have our arse for losing the million gil runt
Realising they were poachers after the young yeti Missmewmew held her hatchet ready to fend them off but things took a turn for the worst when she heard a yawn behind her by the baby yeti giving away their position. Desperately Missmewmew picked up the yeti and ran.
Barely escaping the poachers, Missmewmew discovered the poacher’s camp seeing many wildlife caged and tortured. Not long after the poachers from before spotted them and called for backup.
With the baby in her arms Missmewmew ran but was soon cornered bellow some cliffs
Roegaydn: boss we found this adventurer nearby in a campsite, she gave us a little trouble when reclaiming runt
A lalafel stepped forwards
Lalafel: this girly here gave you trouble? She’s no adventurer she’s just a lackey and you’re a buffoon for letting her get away with the prize
Roegaydn: sorry boss….
Lalafel: kill her
Missmewmew backed against the wall as the poachers with weapons in hand walked closer.
A growling howl echoed loudly and was getting closer. From the distance a yeti covered in blood and arrows charged with pure rage and fought the poachers off. The poachers were massacred and the yeti breathed heavy falling to the ground, out of Missmewmew’s arms leapt the baby and ran to it. The yetis eyes slowly closed as mother and child had a teary goodbye.
Traveling back to complete her venture Missmewmew took a break to eat broth with the child. She thought where she would take it, staring at the venture coins in her hand a thought came to mind who better than both the slayer of primals and leader of an FC, and so traveling back she handed the child to her master to protect and said farewell.

character: Kaylie Smith
server: shiva
prize: scarf of wondrous wit