Retainer Ad-Venture Contest (EU) - Entry Thread

[LeafElksthorne]

“Meow! What now?”

“Chill Madam Pouncer, I’m just lookin’ to get some Yak Milk. You know, same old, same old. Gotta keep the static fed.”

Madam arches her brows, silently cleans herself as cats are prone to, never breaking eye-contact. Leaf Penguin’herder, Warrior of Light, Bard, crafter, seasoned Elezen adventurer—he’s not going to let her win yet another stare off…

“What you never saw a cat clean herself?”

“It’s not going to work. I need the Yak Milk.”

“Go ahead, stare into my cat-eyes. You’re getting sleepy Warrior of Light. Sleeeeepyyyyyy…”

“And I’m used to you licking yourself in public. I’m not going to get embarrassed and leave you alone this time.”

“Meow fine! But I’m boooored to DEATH of Yak Milk! I want to go on an adventure!”

Leaf sighs and shakes his head, “We’ve been through this. Yak Milk is important. In the time it would take me to gather Yak Milk I could die at least a dozen times in Alexander Savage. Besides, last time I sent you on an 18 hour adventure you brought back a hide. It wasn’t even a high quality hide. I have to be honest I didn’t even try to sell it I just tossed it.”

“Meow! You what! I worked hard for that hide.”

A moment of silence.

“Well I worked kind of hard.”

The Warrior of Light arches his brow.

“Okay, okay I was going to get something better I swear but then I took a catnap and I woke up and before I knew it I only had a couple hours left and it’s not like I have my own Chocobo here! So I shot the first thing I saw with this nifty bow and brought it back to you!”

“Huh, nifty bow you say let me see that thing.”

“Oh yeah, I love this bow… it’s big and powerful and fun to use…”

“And ilvl 190 I see. Nice. You know how many times I had to kill Ravana so you could use this nice bow?”

“Meow. I know where this is going and I don’t like it…”

“Yep, a lot of hours in Ravana just so you could have nicer things. You know who else would like nicer things?”

“Listen, I promise this time is going to be different. I’ll put the bow to good use! That or my sneaky cat skills—one way or another you won’t be sorry. I just need 18 hours. Oh please please please please please please…”

“Okay, okay. But this is your last chance Madam. I really need something cool. I really want to be WOW’ed this time!”

“You bet! Meow!”

*enter this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqPV_vEQAPk but pretend that says Madam Pouncer instead of the four Warriors of Light*

** Dramatic Announcer Voice** “And so Madam Pouncer’s quest began. As the retainer of the Warrior of Light, she felt overwhelmed by the great task destiny had placed before her. She did not know the true significance of the four crystals (in fact four crystals have nothing to do with retainers) but she did know she didn’t want to be stuck bringing back Yak Milk for the rest of her days… etc. etc.”

--Back to Madam Pouncer’s adventure—

“Hm, what could I bring back the Warrior of Light? Ooh! I know! Bahamut’s heart! I’ll shoot that mean old Bahamut right in the butt! Then I’ll claw him! Then I’ll scratch his Bahamut eyes out! Warrior of Light will be so impressed I’ll never have to get Yak Milk again! As a matter of fact he’ll probably promote me to adventurer! Yeah, meow! That’s what’ll happen!”

And so Madam Pouncer, with all of the enthusiasm and optimism of a young cat adventurer, set off all by herself to Bahamut’s layer…

“WHO GOES THERE!”

“Meow! I’ve been caught!” Pouncer’s fur sticks up and she scrambles around the arena like… well like a cat running away from Bahamut.

“HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! MUHAHAHA!” Explosions ensue, general terror, in the confusion she hears a small voice, “kookooroo?” Just outside the arena, a small opening. “kookooroo!” No time to analyze the source of the voice she dives through and escapes Bahamut’s clutches.

“Woo! That was close. Hey pal, thanks for showing me that opening. Now scram fur ball, I’m on important Warrior of Light business. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Kookooroo!”

“No seriously this is dangerous stuff. You don’t want to get involved… Okay fine, listen I need to bring the Warrior of Light something really cool or he’s just going to keep sending me to get Yak Milk. I thought Bahamut would be a good idea but then I changed my mind… no I wasn’t in danger I just decided I didn’t want… listen who are you to judge fur ball? I don’t have time for this. Something from Shiva. Yeah that’s more the Warrior of Light’s style.”

And so Madam Pouncer journeyed far north, to Shiva’s layer. “Hey fur ball, why are you still here? Ugh, this is way too cold. You’re not cold? You’re used to it? Yeah I have fur too but… whatever you know what this cold business is for the birds… birds. Yeah! Garuda! That’s who I’ll defeat!

But Garuda’s layer proved too windy for the little cat. Ifrit’s too hot. Titan’s too shaky. Leviathan’s too wet…

“Oh what am I going to do? I only have a couple hours left. Oh well a hide it is I guess. *Pew, Pew, Pew* Oh neat look, another raptor skin. *Sigh* I guess I’m just going to be stuck getting Yak Milk forever. Maybe I’m not cut out for this adventuring business…”

--A couple hours later—

“Oh, hey Leaf, what’s up?”

“Madam. No witty banter today?”

“I’m just not feeling up to it.”

“Uh oh, don’t tell me…”

Madam Pouncer holds up an NQ Raptor Skin. “It’s not as bad as it looks I swear! I didn’t even take a catnap! I saw Bahamut, and Shiva, and Garuda and… besides you could make something nice with this right? Raptor Skins. You used to use them all the time!”

“Kookooroo!”

Leaf is scratching his chin, looking at his retainer, her average ilvl of over 180, and is wondering where he went wrong, when a tinkle, a glimmer of hope, enters his conscious, “Madam, what was that noise?”

“Oh that? That’s just fur ball. He’s annoying. Been following me around all day. I can’t get him to leave. Shoo! You dumb fur ball no one knows what kookooroo means!”

“Madam! You know what that is?”

“Yeah I just said, it’s annoying…”

“No! That’s Littlefoot! That’s the best thing you’ve ever brought me!”

“This guy? …or I mean… YEAH! THIS GUY! See here you go Leaf! Just like I said!”

“Madam, you did really great this time. Maybe I’ll start sending you on more adventures.”

Madam Pouncer remembers the terror of Bahamut’s layer, the cold of Shiva, all the wind in Garuda… “Well, adventuring is nice and all, but I don’t mind bringing Yak Milk now and then I guess.”

“No way Madam. You’re officially promoted to Field Explorer! I mean, I’ll need Yak Milk and Dragon Blood now and then, but there is definitely more adventuring in your future!”

“Meow. Haha.” She laughs nervously, “That sounds great.”

To Be Continued Someday Far From Now…

-Leaf Penguin’herder, Faerie, Scarf of Wondrous Wit

Edit Bah humbug. EU only. I saw it on reddit and just clicked over. Oh well better than working I guess.

[OllieWoods]

"Kojinela?"

"NYAAAAAAH! TWISTER YOU'RE BACK!" Exclaimed the unruly Miqo'te as she bounded toward him. With Coeurl like speed and precision she leapt and flung her arms around him, ensnaring him in her awkward embrace.

"Well hello to you! Do you have the ink and quill i paid you for?" He asked while he staggered, trying to keep himself grounded as he lifted her off of him.

"Um, no... Not exactly, but trust me, i got you something even better! Wanna see?" She searched her person, and found what she was looking for... "Close your eyes, and hold out your hands silly!"

He anxiously obeyed, typically the Miqo'te brought him back one thing, and one thing only... he felt something touch his hands...

"I brought you a..."

He opened his eyes, although the stench was a clear indication as to what it was long before any of his other senses were involved...

"Lominsan Anchovy." His smile somewhat forced.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S MY FAVOURITE! LOOK AT IT, IT'S BIGGER THAN THE OTHER ONES, IT LOOKS TASTIER THAN THE OTHERS TOO, OH MY OH MY!" Koji's eyes widened as did her smile, as if in a state of pure ecstasy.

"It... sure is something! This is certainly a high quality anchovy." He weakly smiled again, perplexed by the woman's child like fascination with the fish.

"I'm glad you like it, i had to make room in my bag for it, it's hard carrying around all of your clutter! I wouldn't have been able to carry it if i didn't get rid of that whisker i found earlier!" She explained, still looking at the fish, drooling like a patron of the Drowning Wench after hours.

"Whisker..."

Suddenly the gil dropped...


Character: Twister Phase
Server: Cerberus
Choice: Scarf of Wonderous Wit

[Kaylie]

Handed to Missmewmew was a pair of venture coins, happily and carefree Missmewmew accepted and began to explore.
This time around she decided to search the mountains of coerthus. High and low she searched for whatever piqued her curiosity, but eventually it got dark and Missmewmew had set a tent and camp fire with a warm bowel of broth.
Still a bit hungry Missmewmew prepares a 2nd bowel but she heard a rustling in the bushes. Hastily and frightened she picked up the hatchet her master Kaylie gave her and approached. She poked around and found a frightened young yeti starving and alone. Feeling sorry for the poor thing she lured it out with her broth and sat it by the warm fire.
Later that night while resting Missmewmew heard movement outside the tent, the young yeti hid under the blankets scared and Missmewmew grabbed her master’s hatchet and slowly exits to check. Upon peeking out Missmewmew noticed 2 men a hyur and a roegaydn sneaking around suspiciously. Missmewmew crept out quietly to get closer.
Hiding behind a tree Missmewmew overheard them talk
Hyur: the tracks lead here, that tiny beast’s here
Roegaydn: it better be or the boss will have our arse for losing the million gil runt
Realising they were poachers after the young yeti Missmewmew held her hatchet ready to fend them off but things took a turn for the worst when she heard a yawn behind her by the baby yeti giving away their position. Desperately Missmewmew picked up the yeti and ran.
Barely escaping the poachers, Missmewmew discovered the poacher’s camp seeing many wildlife caged and tortured. Not long after the poachers from before spotted them and called for backup.
With the baby in her arms Missmewmew ran but was soon cornered bellow some cliffs
Roegaydn: boss we found this adventurer nearby in a campsite, she gave us a little trouble when reclaiming runt
A lalafel stepped forwards
Lalafel: this girly here gave you trouble? She’s no adventurer she’s just a lackey and you’re a buffoon for letting her get away with the prize
Roegaydn: sorry boss….
Lalafel: kill her
Missmewmew backed against the wall as the poachers with weapons in hand walked closer.
A growling howl echoed loudly and was getting closer. From the distance a yeti covered in blood and arrows charged with pure rage and fought the poachers off. The poachers were massacred and the yeti breathed heavy falling to the ground, out of Missmewmew’s arms leapt the baby and ran to it. The yetis eyes slowly closed as mother and child had a teary goodbye.
Traveling back to complete her venture Missmewmew took a break to eat broth with the child. She thought where she would take it, staring at the venture coins in her hand a thought came to mind who better than both the slayer of primals and leader of an FC, and so traveling back she handed the child to her master to protect and said farewell.

character: Kaylie Smith
server: shiva
prize: scarf of wondrous wit

[JenniLeFur]

Character Name: Jenn Apollo
World: Zodiark, Chaos Datacenter
Choice: Ahriman Choker

Dear Mom,

I've found work in Limsa Lominsa, so I haven't had as much time to write. I know you're worried about me, but I'm fulfilling my dream. The job I found is as a retainer to experienced adventurers, so I get to earn a living and learn more about being an Arcanist at the same time! It has a very fancy uniform too, so I've included a photo! I blinked went the flash went off, so it looks a bit silly..

So far, most of my work has been limited to managing the sale of items my boss, Jenn, returns from her travels. It's quite interesting, I've sold a few very exotic items recently. Though some of them aren't exotic so much as yucky!

Anyway, I'm really writing to tell you about my very first adventure. See, part of being a retainer is that your boss will sometimes send you out to do chores outside city gates. Havelock, my co-worker, has already been on many missions and told me lots of stories, so I was terribly excited when Jenn told me it was time for my first mission!

One of the shepherds had fallen ill, so Jenn suggested I take over and watch over his flock of sheep. It was supposed to be just one night, the replacement shepherd would be there in the morning. It started off fine! Every hour I would count the flock to make sure I didn't lose one of the sheep. At some point, I must've fallen asleep, because the next thing I know the sheep are bleating loudly and panicking! They're heading for the Zephyr Gate!

I run to head them off as fast as I can, with Emma, my trusty carbuncle, following on my heels. They were so fast! I didn't know sheep could be that fast! Thankfully, the city guards formed a semi-circle and stopped them from running into the city. We couldn't get the sheep calmed down but we couldn't leave them all panicked either! After a while the guards yelled a call to arms and people came to help put the sheep out of their misery. It made me really sad, but the guards just took it all in stride and made jokes about eating mutton for a week. Havelock just told me to get over it and sell the animal hides I'd gotten in the process.

Later on, one of the shepherds told me he found a rabid bat near his flock and he thought it might've attacked my flock as well. If only I'd have been awake, maybe I could've chased the bat away and prevented the flock going on the lamb...

Lots of love,

Kelpie

P:S: I think I'll be a vegetarian from now on.

[JenniLeFur]

Character Name: Jenn Apollo
World: Zodiark, Chaos Datacenter
Choice: Ahriman Choker

Dear Mom,

I've found work in Limsa Lominsa, so I haven't had as much time to write. I know you're worried about me, but I'm fulfilling my dream. The job I found is as a retainer to experienced adventurers, so I get to earn a living and learn more about being an Arcanist at the same time! It has a very fancy uniform too, so I've included a photo! I blinked as the the flash went off, so it looks a bit silly..

So far, most of my work has been limited to managing the sale of items my boss, Jenn, returns from her travels. It's quite interesting, I've sold a few very exotic items recently. Though some of them aren't exotic so much as yucky!

Anyway, I'm really writing to tell you about my very first adventure. See, part of being a retainer is that your boss will sometimes send you out to do chores outside city gates. Havelock, my co-worker, has already been on many missions and told me lots of stories, so I was terribly excited when Jenn told me it was time for my first mission!

One of the shepherds had fallen ill, so Jenn suggested I take over and watch over his flock of sheep. It was supposed to be just one night, the replacement shepherd would be there in the morning. It started off fine! Every hour I would count the flock to make sure I didn't lose one of the sheep. At some point, I must've fallen asleep, because the next thing I know the sheep are bleating loudly and panicking! They're heading for the Zephyr Gate!

I run to head them off as fast as I can, with Emma, my trusty carbuncle, following on my heels. They were so fast! I didn't know sheep could be that fast! Thankfully, the city guards formed a semi-circle and stopped them from running into the city. We couldn't get the sheep calmed down but we couldn't leave them all panicked either! After a while the guards yelled a call to arms and people came to help put the sheep out of their misery. It made me really sad, but the guards just took it all in stride and made jokes about eating mutton for a week. Havelock just told me to get over it and sell the animal hides I'd gotten in the process.

Later on, one of the shepherds told me he found a rabid bat near his flock and he thought it might've attacked my flock as well. If only I'd have been awake, maybe I could've chased the bat away and prevented the flock going on the lamb...

Lots of love,

Kelpie

P:S: I think I'll be a vegetarian from now on.

Derped on words, can't find the edit post button so this is the next best thing. Forgive, literally my first & second post ever!

[KayailSong]

When I applied to be a retainer, I knew I was getting into tough work. Adventurers sending me off without so much as a word of praise. My current employer is just as you'd expect, she just hands me stuff and tell me what to do with it. Can't say I blame Kaya'il, her tales are often regaled to me at the tavern, and it certainly seems like my work pales in comparison.

Sorry what was that? You wanted to hear about my work? Of course you wouldn't want to hear about me, my mistake.
*Muttering* No bloody recognition around here *Muttering*.

Currently my employer has me running off looking for nothing in particular, just telling me to "bring back what I can find". You should see the look on her face when I bring back a fully-intact cottage roof. No of course I didn't steal it from her neighbours! Though that would certainly be an easier solution... Anyroad, how do I find a cottage roof you ask? I just wander around places that adventurers frequently frequent, as they seem to love discarding bits and bobs that they don't want. Occasionally I find a roof, and I take it.

Oh, sorry, must run, she's calling me again; can't disappoint the Warrior of Light now can I? *Sigh* The things I do for coin...

[KayailSong]

Woops, forgot to write details.

Character name: Kaya'il Song
World name: Shiva
Prize: Bluebird Earrings

[TomoGlaciertear]

Character Name: Tomo Glaciertear
World Name: Excalibur, Primal
Choice: Bluebird Earring

----------------------------------

One day, I sent Kounosuke out on a venture. He decided, with his spear in hand, that he wasn't going to let me down cause ya know, I was about to fire him for all the fish and stolen furniture he brought me. One hour later, I go to see what he brings me for his venture...and he hands me, I kid you not, a White Raven Fragment. He just stood there...smiling...tail wagging in hopes of the good job he did. I want to ask how he obtained this but I fear for my life now. Help.

[zoe_bug71]

Jusn was just sitting down to drink his tea when he heard the sound of that god awful bell. Sighing, he accepted his summons and went to his master's side. "Yes <sigh> I hope this doesn't take long he complained to his master. His master glared at him until he produced the fruits of his labour....Jet Black Dye. His master smiled at him, pleased with his work. Thank God, Jusn thought, she will let me take a break now. But no, his master produced 2 measly venture coins and gestured for him to go out again. Jusn was very annoyed by this. He'd already done 5 ventures today and here was his master, forcing him to go out yet again. Sigh. So off he went. As he was walking along the road leading out of the Ul'dah town centre, he saw something glint out of the corner of his eye....quickly he rushed over to investigate. Digging carefully through the dirt, he discovered a treasure chest over flowing with Allagan pieces and Gems. What a find, he thought to himself. My master will be very pleased. But Jusn frowned at that last thought. Why should his master get all this gold? Here he was, doing all the hard work and what did he have to show for it? 2 venture coins. Well, Jusn thought to himself....my master will never know what I actually found. So he grabbed his find and returned to his room to await his next summons. A hour later, he heard the ring of the bell. Grinning to himself he accepted the summons and went to his master's side. "Well, that was exhausting..." he said to her. She ignored him and held out her hand. Reaching into his inventory Jusn produced his prize from the venture. A single piece of Allagan Tin. He smiled to himself as he watched her face fill with disappointment. Just another day in the life of a retainer he thought to himself!



Character: Lalasa Bell
World: Tonberry
Prize: Bluebird Earring

[Klokwerk]

Character name: Klokwerk Heart
World name: Malboro
In-game Prize: Scarf of Wondrous Wit

"All over Eorzea, Free Company houses and personal homes alike have had their roofs taken in the night. Sources claim to have seen bright lights and saucer shaped objects above the Goblet. Could this be the fabled Pupu of legend?"
Kimera stares blankly at the news article before crumpling it up and tossing it into a nearby bin. She doesn't care for supernatural fairy tails of aliens stealing peoples roof tops in the night. She hasn't the time for such fancies, not if shes going to earn enough ventures for a house of her own. And with that she returns to the Goblet where her employer would be waiting with a handful of shiny ventures.