Listen, people don't want parsers. They just want to get carried, die a bunch, do poor dps, blame you for everything, then lot on all the things. It's YOUR JOB to carry them, and NOT to COMPLAIN.

Ok? Just get those terribad players their ponies. THEY DESERVE THEM. And be sure to Raise them when they die, or they'll complain about why you're not raising them. They're just here to have fun. Don't tell them not to suck. You suck. Carry harder.