The Many Deaths of Final Fantasy XIV

[Mercutial]

Ummmmmmmmm..... wow?

[DarkStar]

That's another dead lalafell.

[Bunsen]

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

[MageBlack]

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

[Violyre]

Ya... I definitely spoke too soon and really didn't first think this may have been a sarcastic post. My mistake. Apologies to OP.. I take it back ;x

I think you're the first person to ever actually apologize! Thank you!

[ClaireAbigail]

*chuckles* I love a good satire but I'm quite suprised no one is crying about carboncoat/twine from hunts and carboncoat as a weekly.

[Violyre]

Having just recently seen a certain thread reappear, with people clapping for the return of a certain asset from 1.0, I've just added several puns and lyrics in the form of the lost clan of bootylicious Miqo'te:

40. Sir Mix-a-Lot is Disappointed: During the era of Legacy, players were astounded that they had many, many options for character making. While some were removed during the transition to 2.0, there was one particular thing removed that Miqo'te everywhere were outraged out. "Give us back our butt slider!" they demanded. Some of the male playerbase also joined this bandwagon, stating that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, and a round thing in your face, we get sprung." Other players didn't care, as they realized Miqo'te were the most beautiful race in the game and should be worshipped despite their assets. SE proceeded to state that addition of a butt slider would require too many twerks and they had bigger things to work on, but the catgirls continued to request it. Many players quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

[Arkenne]

it was a long read, but was a good read, keep up the good job >=D!

[Violyre]

Let's take a look at a topic that's becoming a daily occurrence, the near-permanent closure of Balmung to new characters!

41. I Just Need One More Hit, Balmang!: One day, SE realized that at different points in the day, people would be logging in at an alarming rate. In order to ease the burden to the login servers, every server does a check at specific hours to see what is being hammered the most, and closes them to new characters for a bit of time. While there are other servers that are frequently closed, one started to become very prominent in their requests. "Please open Balmung! I need more characters!" cried the RPers, despite somehow making 20 characters there already. People from other servers just shook their heads, wondering exactly why Balmung was so popular to be the only server anyone complained about. "It's the main RP server!" they stated, some of them having come from a previous "RP server." The truth eventually became unveiled as people reported "cybersex." Then everyone wanted to get a piece of that Balmung. Many players switched servers at this point, causing SE to take every server except Balmung offline so that they could make all of the servers be Balmung.

Note: I actually am an RPer and know the strains of not getting to use every character idea. This is purely satire!

[Violyre]

In this update, I prove I have WAY too much time and imagination on my hands, with the addition of the Casual vs. Hardcore Wars, and renamed "Addendums" to "How It Would Happen," and relocated it to be beneath the section that I tell people to chill out. The section still takes the the player complaints and takes them to the ludicrous level we all know and love SE for. To celebrate, have two new additions to reflect what would happen if SE decided to officially take the Casual or Hardcore side to their (il)logical extremes.

Many Deaths of FFXIV:
42. The game is too hard! Quit making it easy!: One day, someone was looking at the Coil of Bahamut and sighing that they would never get to experience it because every DF party has at least three people who can't avoid divebombs. This fellow decided that Youtube was not the answer to seeing the storyline that's built into the game. They suggested that a story mode version of the raid be created, with an easier time clearing and no loot to make it fair, but the overgeared elitists bellowed out their warcrys. "We have earned our right to skip the stupid cutscenes that happen! If you want to actually see them, lrn2play or go to Youtube! It would be better if there was no story in OUR raids!" The arguments against both sides of the discussion were fierce, with the casual scene wondering why the hardcore team even played a Final Fantasy game, and the rebuttals of "go play Candy Crush n00bs, MMOs are for serious gamers." Catering to either side of the discussion was impossible for SE, and many players quit the game at this point, causing them to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.

How It Would Happen

2. Making the Game Harder: SE eventually determined that the hardcore players were correct in their statements, and made A Realm Reborn: Prepare to Freddie, a complete revamp to the A Realm Reborn system and the gaming as a whole. After months of research and labor into what players thought was a challenge, all character levels were reset, and players were tasked with getting through the game once more. In ARR: PtDE, players leveled up in much the same way, but there was no enemy that did not aggro. If your character dies at any point, it will be permanently deleted from the system using FBI-level data scrubbing technology. There are also monsters that will surprise you with a jump scare if you are not keeping a careful eye on their positions, and you will instantly die. Chocobos from the porter were also susceptible to aggro. If you are struck while mounted, you will instantly dismount, and stare at the mount's corpse as it is scrubbed from your file. If you were using a chocobo porter's mount, you must pay 100,000 gil to pay for them to train a new bird, which will take several days, as well as having your mount privileges revoked until they are finished raising the new chocobo. As players finally reached the endgame, strategies were scarce as wipes deleted all players of your party or alliance. Auto-attack was removed from the game once more. As players struggled to get through this new difficulty, endgame eventually became worthless due to the amount of time it would take to invest in your character to reach maximum level and become adequately equipped. All but 1% of the players (with generous rounding up) quit the game at this point, causing SE to take the servers offline, because each data center maybe had five characters in total.

3. Making the Game Easier: SE eventually determined, based on feedback, that the game was too hard for the casual players. It was decided to once again rebuild the game from the ground up, and with careful research dedicated to what a casual player truly desires, released A Realm Call of Scrolls: Farmville Crush. The game was now Free-to-Play. Players were delighted to once again have many character customizations added back in, including the ever-popular butt slider, along with many new features, including a full pallete of 64-bit colors for every feature. Upon entering the game, you are placed in a permanent first-person view, and your weapon is shown on screen as if you're holding it. The moment that you attack the non-aggroing monsters of the game, you are brought to a screen where you are presented with a puzzle grid, which you must successfully win within a set amount of turns. You must match three symbols together. If you are unable to clear it within the set amount of time, you will be given the option to return to your home point, or purchase one additional attack for $0.99, five additional attacks for $3.99, 50 additional attacks for $149.50. Additionally, special events will come, allowing you to purchase an item to permanently double the total amount of attacks for $299.99. You must tend to your chocobo every twelve hours, else it will become sick and unable to aid you. More special events will come that will allow you to purchase a permanent chocobo health kit that keeps your chocobo in perfect health for $99.99. There are no experience points, so you can access every dungeon and raid as soon as you are able to access them. You can purchase access early for $0.99-$29.99. To win against these fierce foes, you must gather a team of adventurers to journey into the dungeon, with 4-man dungeons requiring 3/4 players, 5/8 players, or 18/24 players to successfully complete their puzzle. Upon winning, everyone receives a piece of armor suited to their class from a list presented. Stats will determine how much damage each type of puzzle tile is worth. When the game was released, many people who screamed at the idea of a "cash shop" in ARR would soon be joined by the people who hate pay-to-win games. Many players quit the game at this point, with SE confused on how the majority of ARR players were casual but didn't like this version, causing them to take the servers offline because the game will be no longer profitable.