The Faerie News Service

[Kuronya]

Hello! Kuronya here. This thread will contain all of the (made up) news stories I've shouted in game.

Today in the news - In what the Immortal Flames are calling the "Final Fantasy II" killings, another man was killed when he jumped in with bathers at the Forgotten Springs and made suggestive gestures. The Flames believe this to be a copy-cat of the original "Final Fantasy" killing in Gridania.

Additionally, a sculpter was arrested in Ul'dah today for breaking the nose off the Sultana's statue. When we questioned the sculpter, he claimed it was due to a pair of riders on a magic carpet flying by that startled him into accidentally chiseling the nose off. The Immortal Flames are requesting any sightings of this magic carpet ride be reported immediately.

And finally, in a recent survey, 6 out of 10 adventurers like to dance in front of the Ultima Weapon while waiting for fellow party members to load.

[Kuronya]

Today's top story - a local warrior was found dead in his home after commenting in King Behemoth's face, "It couldn't get any worse than this." Subsequently, a preliminary investigation has shown that the warrior was murdered by a large, fiery beast. Anyone with information should notify a Wood Wailer immediately.

In other news, Wood Wailers are thinking of a name change for various reasons. However, one of them did anonymously state, "Wha' the hell kind of name is Wood Wailer, anyhow? Makes us all sound like a buncha honry, cryin' bastards, it does!"

[Kuronya]

BREAKING NEWS: At 10:47 EST today, a combined force of Adventurers from Faerie laid Odin(Lv. 59) low in East Shroud today.

[Kuronya]

In today's news - Thancred's pickup lines voted more painful than stepping on a cluster of Legos barefoot in a darkened room while surrounded on all sides by priceless vases.

Additionally, the Eorzeans for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters recently unleashed a horde of Water Sprites on Gridania to undo the damage done by their Morbol protest a few weeks ago. Residents still have not yet fully recovered from the stench that is Morbol breath. One particular resident took this as inspiration and has come out with a new brand of cigarrettes, creatively named "Morbolos."

[Kuronya]

In today's news, the new cigarette brand "Morbolos" have reached surprisingly high popularity with citizens all over Eorzea, despite their birth from the recent unleashing of Morbols in Gridania by the EETM. Public opinion is divided on these new cigarettes however, as a record-breaking amount of adventurers loathe them due to their tendency to bequeath the smoker with the ability to breathe Morbol's bad breath out.

Some believe this might result in a new rash of crimes whereby adventurers are assaulted with bad breath. Adventurers, make sure you travel with new Shiva Breath Mints - it'll chill you to the core. Coming soon to a store near you!

And in more sillier news, a local free company leader recently mispelled the name of their brand new guild hall and was subsequently beaten by a number of female members for inadvertently making it sound far dirtier than it actually is. Seriously, don't add an "A" when spelling Camelot.

[Kuronya]

Today's top story - new information has arisen regarding the magic carpet joyride in Ul'dah that resulted in the giant stone nose of the Sultana's statue to fall off. The Immortal Flames are asking all residents and adventurers for information regarding a male with a pet carbuncle. Be advised that this man is a known grifter. The Flames are advising to take their words with a grain of salt.

In other news, the fight between Morlboros and Shiva brand Breath Mints have hit an all time high after a nasty conflict in the Black Shroud. This "conflict" originated from a new game created using the Morlboros "Bad Breath" and the refreshing, icy chill of Shiva Breath mints, whereby one person is designated "it" and breathes on a group of players, who then have to try and find the hidden breath mints in a playing area.

Authorities believe this is the first time bad breath killed en masse.

[Kuronya]

This just in - Eorzeans everywhere are panicking in what some scholars are calling the next "Rapture" scare. The scholars ask all Eorzeans to keep calm and carry on.

http://youtu.be/JkK8g6FMEXE

[Kuronya]

This just in - Shinra Inc.'s rebranded Shiva EXTREEEME Icy Cool Breath Mints still freeze people. This however, has only increased the number of people who have deliberately taken two or more to freeze themselves.

To counteract the rising acts of self-freezing, Shinra Inc is now offering a promotion - Buy one pack Shiva EXTREEEME Icy Cool Breath Mints and you get a pack of edible Fire Rock Materia Candy!

Some environmentalists claim that mining for the Fire Rock Candy is harming Eorzea's flora and fauna, but the head of Shinra INC had this to say: "Nobody uses elemental materia anyway, so we decided to use them for something that will, at the very least, give people some enjoyment from a relatively worthless piece of rock. Stay tuned for our next invention - Lightning Bolt Candy!"

[Kuronya]

Today's top story - local anchor forgets to check inventory space before fighting Odin.

And now, a PSA from the Faerie News Service:

Before entering a major battle with the possibility of rare loot, always ALWAYS *ALWAYS* check your inventory and ensure you have sufficient space.

[Kuronya]

Today's news - earlier in Limsa, a group of high spirited adventurers were participating in what appeared to be a dance party. However, the dance was confirmed to be the Manderville Dance, something which is a secret except to members of the Mandverille family. Could this party possibly be the unveiling of never before seen members of the Manderville family? Find out more, tomorrow at whenever! (Thanks to Jarl'Of Shwarma for telling us about it!)