Not sure where to start gearing.

[JonBigwood]

I just hit capped myself the other night for the first time ever as well in an mmo and am having the same worry as you. Hope things folks on the Adamantoise server aren't as harsh.

Most people are nice, I wouldn't worry too much. You find the same problems in easy places than in difficult ones.
Occasionally some rude player will appear, it's best to not give it much importance if you can. Also, listen to what people say, because you can learn from it, if many people say the same things, probably there's something you can improve. There are helpful people who give good tips. Other people don't make that effort (maybe because not everybody receives the unasked for tips with good attitude, on the other hand.)

Tanks need thicker skin because their mistakes are very visible and they are many times blamed when it's not their fault or not only their fault.