Spoke with a very nice customer service agent from SE on the 27th. He told me the ping test from him in CA was timing out in Virginia. Called my ISP, which has been bought and re-bought a trillion times. Chatted with another nice rep from them that sent a guy out who checked the lines and ordered us a new, free router/modem. It's better than my older one (which was only seven months old at this point) slightly. The internet is back up and everything is the same, maybe a little faster. However, I am still receiving Error 90000 and 90002 in the game. The ping test to the IP address passes now, however.

Uhhh, I even entered the useless ports into the new router. Don't even get me started on how stupid I feel pretending like port forwarding would solve this issue.

So, still at a loss. Guess back to my ISP and SE customer service for another round of exciting business-hours-only support. Yeah.