I feel guilty and must confess.

So I was playing the story line quests and i meet someone who is on the same quest as me now. He's very friendly and wants to help and i stay in a party with him. But i'm a lonewolf. I don't like being friends with people because i dont want to disappoint people, and with having friends there are some expectations and i dont want those expectations because i dont want to fail them and disappoint people. So I always keep to myself. Well ten minutes in the group my laptop crashed as its prone to crashing and happens quite a lot when i play this game.

So I thought to myself well this is an excuse not to log on and he'll lose interest in me and i get to keep to myself when i log in later. But I feel guilty because I do this with everyone. I would like friends and be like a normal person but it just seems like i'm not. Family blames my aspergers but i dont like that defining me or used as a clutch to give anything an excuse in what i do. Has anyone gone through this in life and have any solutions as of right now all i feel like i should do is be alone as that would be the best for everyone.

Welcome to FFXIV

I would suggest seeing a therapist. They will most likely be able to help you find ways to address this and find solutions for you.

Sounds like social anxiety. You could just tell them you're going to go solo for a while since you'll disconnect on and off and you don't want to slow them down. Why not add them and do some small talk occasionally? Maybe you'll warm up to the idea of chatting a little.

its not that chatting is an issue. I've been known to be quite the chatter box and talk peoples ears off when i get to know someone. But its that step in getting to know someone. I wasn't always like this though. I don't know if i need therapy like someone suggested or a poor history when it comes with having friends or people i knew but I don't like it :/.

I can be very flaky individual, so I generally play alone nowadays, or every now and again play something with someone I know. Not really out of social anxiety though. Part of the problem is I like playing things my way specifically, and I don't want to be a burden on them, nor them be a burden on me. Actually, probably in the last year I don't really talk to or do anything with a friend of mine much anymore because of this.. It's also probably the cause of many of the disagreements I've had with the majority of guilds/clans I've played in.

In FFXIV I haven't bothered looking for an FC, nor do I actively play it with anyone. I play this game entirely solo as well, and only group with people when it's more efficient to, or I have to (DF). "PUGS" really. I don't like the commitment of a static, so I haven't bothered with that either, even though I think I am probably capable enough to do high tier PvE, if I really wanted to.

Here, sit down on the couch while I grab my pen and pad.

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Originally Posted by Zachia

I wasn't always like this though.

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A good reason to talk to a therapist. They can help you figure out what might have caused the change and get you back on track.

I wish I had been that lucky. If I make an alt and open a party while doing things with it absolutely no one joins.
MSQ and Quest sharing would be a dream come true to me. I hate how anti-party that content is.

nearly anyone with aspergers (technically ASD now) has probably had a very similar experience. I have ASD. occasionally people add me as a friend. usually they go offline after a few years and I never see them online.


I'm in an FC I was invited to long ago. i almost never do anything with them. sometimes I comment in FC chat, most of the time I ignore it.


knowing that you have ASD isn't a crutch, it's the first step to finding out how to get OFF the crutches. most of us don't know what a crutch looks like to be able to know we are using one.

The levelling game is *meant* to be played solo; so don't feel guilty that you've doomed him to be a level 14 archer (or whatever) forever, and he's pining away waiting for you.

Chances are, he just told himself "oh, that sucks, my buddy got disconnected. Oh well." And moved on.

It sounds like you have bigger issues than an MMO, though. Finding a therapist might be a good idea.
If you have the same type of ASD I do - what actually helped me the most was finding a textbook on it, the type a doctor would use to learn about it. Not one trying to explain what 'feelings' are to a neurotypical 4-year-old, like, a med-school intro-level thing.
That's just me though. Whatever helps you interact with people; and be okay with taking alone time when you aren't, is good.

No worries. I am also a lone wolf type, but it’s more because of family and sudden needs to stop the game in the middle of whatever. Fortunately this game is very kind about time commitments as almost any content can be done in very reasonable bites.

For your case, I would also recommend talking it out, either with a professional, friends or even here on the forum. We may not all agree here, but I would guess the general majority of us are rather friendly and at the very least are willing to hear you out.

Hmm... sounds like the beginning of a love story to me. You got this OP!

Pretty normal OP. At least how I feel. I rarely want to play with someone if ever really. When it's just me and the stranger, worst feeling.

Especially people who want to help you even when you don't really need or want their help. But when you are too nice to say no... Just uncomfortable feeling. Asking them are they sure they don't mind following you (hoping that they say they need to go) and they reply sadly often, no its not a problem :(

If you don't face your fears and overcome them, they will always overcome you. That is a lonely prison to waste away in.
https://youtu.be/31Qnoo-giv0


Try to find friends...or at least a friend who understands and doesn't care what you feel you lack, one to stand by you through anything. They can help bring you out of that shell of doubt and fear, so you can enjoy life. ...and the game.
https://static0.srcdn.com/wordpress/...and-Rocket.jpg
^once made, these types are inseparable and enjoy what adventures they get into. No matter what others think of them.

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ten minutes in the group my laptop crashed as its prone to crashing and happens quite a lot when i play this game.

So I thought to myself well this is an excuse not to log on and he'll lose interest in me and i get to keep to myself when i log in later. But I feel guilty because I do this with everyone. I would like friends and be like a normal person but it just seems like i'm not.

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Alternatives: Give people a heads up that your laptop is prone to crashing, or log back in and explain the situation. (Or invest in a better computer if possible to prevent the crashing from enabling your excuse.) If your idea is to change it's good to think of alternatives to your instincts then act based on your goal. Say I want to be healthy but I had a bad day and I want to eat an entire gallon of ice cream, I'll feel good immediately but regret it later, so alternatives: Calm down with some music or a book, burn off energy exercising - oh hey that works with the goal. Bam, improvement.

Btw normalcy is lame, people are people and everyone's different. It's the differences that matter, honestly. The world wouldn't be a very interesting place if everyone was exactly the same. So screw "normal" and just own yourself.

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I don't like being friends with people because i dont want to disappoint people, and with having friends there are some expectations and i dont want those expectations because i dont want to fail them and disappoint people.

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I'm not sure what sort of expectations you have but chances are you have higher expectations for yourself than anyone else would have for you. It's a good thing to have expectations for yourself in order to improve so long as you don't let them control you. A silly and probably not good example: Say you want to raid in FFXIV but some of those bosses are really hard, you may be worried about joining a group because if you die everyone may be disappointed in you, but here's the thing: lots of people struggle with those mechanics, then they practice and get better. You can't expect to be perfect at everything from the start, it's all about trying and screwing up and learning and trying again. Whether it's a video game, work, relationships, playing an instrument, studying in school, it all follows the same pattern. Every failure is a learning experience to make yourself a better person. Unless that failure kills you. Then you're just dead. Try to not do that.

It may be helpful to turn things around - of the expectations you hold for yourself, do you also hold those for others? Do you think it realistic to do so? Nobody's perfect, everyone's just trying to get through their own life. Friendship isn't based around doing things for the other person, it's more about simply getting along and enjoying their company. Neither is obligated to help the other though they may wish to do so if they genuinely care about the person. Just because someone's your friend doesn't mean you owe them your life - they certainly don't owe you theirs.

At the end of the day you're living your own life, not anyone else's, so you should try and do what would make you happy rather than living your life based on what other people may or may not think.

But I'm not a therapist, if you really want help I suggest seeking that of a professional who knows what they're talking about.

Is that why you disconnected on me? And here I thought I did something wrong by telling you to git gud. I forgive you for that.