The Sheperd's Notebook

Well here it is, a brand new thread for all the little essays, anecdotes and other assorted scrawlings by yours truly.

When will you understand that ripping off Tolkien isn't going to make you the next Tolkien?

5.3 MSQ

Compared to someone like Takeru, Ardbert was nothing more than a peabrain who could only think with his Fell Cleave. He used to be a pretty cool guy but then 5.0 gave him the Lyse treatment and turned him into a mouthpiece of a writer that expects the audience to like their cardboard cutouts on the basis of how nice they are to the self-insert MC. Escapist fiction is comfort food designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator so the new direction wasn't surprising, just disappointing.

The title has nothing to do with Kierkegaard because I've never believed in any of that crap. I picked it because it sounds cool and requires some effort to acquire.

As for the Epitaph of Twilight, I guess you could say that I ”solved” it when I figured out what the choice at the start of the game that determines the type of ring that the merchant gives you was referencing, but I didn't get any definitive proof that there's something fishy going on until I remembered where I had heard Holminster's theme before. Some little simian must be really proud of that pun.

Though it bears mentioning that it wasn't until much later that I could see you had been snooping around and dragged that old thing all the way here. I started reading that novel during the pre-expansion slump to work on my reading backlog and took a break somewhere between the ladder and the bench when early access started to level DNC and GNB. I continued where I left off after I had finished the 5.0 MSQ in its entirety and when I got to the chapter where Devil Summoner Ivan Karamazov has a nice glass of lucid dreaming... Well, suffice to say that while it's one the funniest pieces of prose that I've ever read, I didn't find it all that amusing at the time.

Brother No.2 was in training to become an EMT at one point but he gave up halfway through. He came to the conclusion that he doesn't have the nerves for the kind of work where your mistakes might get people killed, so now he makes a living by moving around some less fragile cargo.

Not being late to school is important but so is good dental hygiene. The outer corner of tooth number 8 snapped off for forgetting that. And I didn't eat grass, the old trotter threw me off her back at the start of the spring semester. The fracture right below the left shoulder didn't heal quite as well as it could have so that arm is bent out of shape, but only so slightly that it's not visible without X-ray.

The Wyrmstalker armor is Cataclysm vintage from the laptop gaming days, exactly as it was. Cataloging was more sporadic back then so it took me a moment to put it back together. The switch to lamellar happened sometime in late MoP.

What Doesn't Kill

The first time I got sick was before I was old enough to form permanent memories, I've only been told that it was serious enough that a trip to the hospital was in order. The second time at the age of four was mild enough that I could stay at home but it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.

They use Arkonor for baking in Sharlayan? And here I was thinking they just occasionally snacked on paint chips and crayons.

Icepick lobotomy isn't going to make those eyesores feel more human, your time would be better spent on reading about the effects that extrinsic rewards have on intrinsic motivation.

Father's father worked in the postal service but he had to retire a bit earlier than planned after a cerebral infarction left his left arm and leg paralyzed. He could still walk with a cane after that but the range of motion he could exert on his bad leg left him unable to climb stairs.

The Paragon Of Pastlessness

Fictional characters aren't real people, their lives don't have any kind of innate value beyond what the individual reader is willing to give them.

There are things adjacent to Minfilia that I have issues with but Minfilia herself didn't bother me that much. Having her at the helm made the Scions feel a bit less like some secret Sharlayan policlub that only exists because those silly Eorzeans are too damn stupid to solve their own problems and the only one who can do that for them is Big Mother's little snowflake.

The Crystal Braves were another one of those ”you're supposed to hate these people because we say so” moments and the Steppe arc left the impression that the Xaela are mindless murderhobos that don't need a reason kill, they'll go after anything that the king of all murderhobos says is a viable target. But all those lingering ghosts of a failed game talking about the future belonging to the next generation as if they belonged in that category too takes the cake as the most disgusting moment in the entire game.

All the endings to Seeking Mr. Eaten's Name have been leaked.

I've got no pocket watches to pawn but I have two of Mrs. Doctor's rings, one with an amethyst and another with a grey stone speckled with black. They're too gaudy to be of any real use to me except as good luck charms. And I missed out on Infinity, it's all thanks to those other folks that Kono could fund his next Flanker simulator.

The Hero Of Justice And The Whip Of God

I picked ACN as my starting class because I wanted to try a caster and stat sticks are boring. That's all that there is to it. But I take it that you'll be wanting a report on some more recent escapades to use as source material for your next cashgrab.

Ghimlyt is the worst dungeon in the game. 4.5 MSQ was so nonsensical that I refuse to believe it was written by actual human beings. The whole damn thing was outsourced to an AI and there's nothing you can do to convince me otherwise.

The first birthday gift I got was a stuffed white bunny from the new capital aunt. I still have it but the tail fell off and got lost when I was a little kid.

Santa's Drunk As A Skunk And Humanity Has No Tomorrow

The DRG was a Namazu in a golden pig suit, the other six were boring people with boring glams.

Brother No.1 was born on Saint Lucia's Day, No.2 on the second mundus patet of the year, No.3 on the fourth three months before me and my sister on the fourth six months after me.

”There must always be a Reply-Code Alpha.” Do you copycats have no shame?

I'm Only Going To Say This Once

Why do you insist on insulting me like this? I hate these nothingburgers with every fiber of my being, stop pretending that I'm ever going to give a hoot about any them. This sick obsession with the idea that you have to be friends with your coworkers is the reason why the MSQ is such godawful garbage.

And if that worthless piece of trash is going to be the narrator of the next expansion, you can expect to get some fan mail written with Greek coal in the near future.

The Gazing Abyss On The Day Of Repentance

Monsters don't exist, who claims otherwise is a liar and a hypocritical coward.

Sae's looking as lively as ever. Or was it Kirie? And Zenos is still the same pathetic wannabe he's always been.

What New Atonements Will You Murderers Invent?

All that nonsense about 1.0 players getting flung five years into the future was nothing more than a scheme to increase player retention. It's okay to kill tons of cannon fodder for shock value in a PR stunt but to kill off the characters of paying customers? Preposterous! They might stop playing like the pansies they are!

If you had cared about writing a good story you would have put everyone on the same starting line.

And One More Thing

Warrior of Light incarnate is pretty funny, but it's no fun to laugh alone.

All in all 5.3 was awful. The personality that that hack insists on imposing on to the player character disgusts me so much that I don't even want to log in anymore. If this pile of turd is the best you could do after I told you to get your act together, then I don't care to find out what new ways to embarrass yourselves you're going to invent in the future.

Beast Tribe Quests – Watts's Anvil

Dwarves Und Panzer

Drake is best boat. Not because it's pretty but because it was one of my trusty workhorses in the land of the learning cliff. Kestrel and the Ravens are tied for second place for similar reasons, but based on looks alone I'd say that my favorite hull would be either Vagabond or Apotheosis.

The Lora I used to know was a redhead too but not as grumpy as this one.

Tanks with treads all look so similar to me and so do cars, about the only one I can recognize by sight is the first-generation Saab 900 because my father's parents used to have one in red. It wasn't any faster than your average Saab.

It's been so long since I read the books that the details are starting to slip from my mind. It took me a while to notice that those bells aren't just any random bells.

Alpacas are cute too, but those stupid frogs in the runway were anything but.

I Drink, Therefore I Am

I don't have a driver's licence, if I need ID papers for something I'll use my passport for that. I've never had the need to use a car for commuting or doing grocery shopping so learning to drive hasn't felt like a necessary thing to do.

The old Bosch I got from Mrs. Doctor when I moved away from home isn't built to brew anything fancier than regular coffee. Medium roast with just enough milk to cool it down to a more agreeable temperature, no sugar. Tea is fine too, I just consume it less often because it lacks that certain kind of oomph. But I don't really care to indulge in alcohol outside of big parties and other social gatherings so I can't comment on the taste of Ranin's swills and grogs.

Moonfire Faire 2020

I Am Amazed That You Have Not Already Collapsed In Ruin

I picked Mudkip in Sapphire and Bulbasaur in LeafGreen.

The second one was white with brown spots and the rabbits were both albinoes. As for my extended family... one of my great-aunts used to have a grey tabby cat but the rest are dog people. My father's parents had a black Newfoundland, the Doctor and Mrs. Doctor had an orange and white Brittany and my uncle has had spitzes and Irish Setters.

Mrs. Doctor's parents weren't originally from that part of the country but they used to live over there for work-related reasons until the friends who fought for freedom concluded that they'd need more farmland to meet the five-year plan's bread basket quota. Though perhaps a better real-life counterpart to the mountainside lady would be one of Mrs. Doctor's aunts. She was young and recently married when the ruckus started and when it died down for a moment, she was young and recently widowed. She made it past ninety, as did one of her sisters and the Doctor's father, and she never remarried.

Grade School Roll Call

In the first grade I lived in Ermine City. The teacher of Class 1C was an old lady with a long career behind her and the one I remember best from my classmates is the girl whose mother made me a Pikachu doll as a birtday gift. They weren't Emmerichs.

In the second grade I lived in the town of Sweethammers far down south. The teacher of Class 2A was another old lady and the only one I still remember from this class is the orange-haired girl whose parents were atheists. The school in Solna wasn't named after her.

The school I went to in the third grade was located in the same town, it was an old wooden building without a cafeteria and only one class per each grade. Three kids who lived in the same street as I did also went to the same school. The tallest girl in our class who had no TV show awards to distribute and the friend of a giant-slayer with five or six sisters were both third-graders like me and the third one, a girl with copper red hair, was in the fourth grade. Our teacher was much, much younger than the previous two but not a fresh graduate.

The school I went to in fourth grade in the Heath of the Pension Institute was even smaller, all the students in the third and fourth grades combined could fit in one classroom. The teacher in charge of holding classes for both grades was another younger woman and the girl who sat next to me in class was a short third-grader with glasses who lived in the same block of row houses as I did. She was a mellower soul than the saintly Kievan.

From fifth grade onwards I've been living in my hometown.
The teacher of Class 5A was an old man with greying hair and thick-rimmed glasses and he had a laudatur in Latin.
The girl with twintails played cello and piano, seems like she picked up the musical disposition from her mother who plays violin in the City Orchestra. Blue as the sky but only in name, not in the face.
The girl with fluffy blond hair and tiny feet had the kind of nice, sweet personality that's near impossible to get mad at and her mother had some sort of an editorial job in the regional newspaper. She must have been a Golden Retriever in her previous life. Despite her name I doubt she would have been able to do the work of three people for the price of one at the House of Splendors.
The girl with reddish brown hair was an ocean too and had a bit of an absent-minded aura about her.
The girl with black hair was the renaissaince woman of athletics. She had the same kind of spunk as those mountaineers who try to scale the highest peaks simply because they're there and she was a bit more mature than the witch with the name of a virtuous maiden.
The girl with ashen blond hair had a really demure and ladylike demeanor and she usually wore skirts like the Amakura with a limp.
And the girl with dark blond hair was a really sociable popular gal and a smooth operator. Like the first new student of the year to be sorted, she would have made for a good innkeeper.

The junior high homeroom teacher was in charge of health education and boys' PE. He must have been at least in his mid-thirties but he had the kind of youthful and energetic presence that could have easily made you think he was much younger than that. Conversely, the girls' PE class teacher was a curmudgeonly old lady with the kind of air about her that she might kick your butt with Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique if you got on her bad side. The physics teacher had glasses and blond hair too but she was a bit older than the major. And the history teacher had a real penchant for being fashionably late, but that could be partially chalked up to the fact that her classroom was located the furthest away from the teachers' lounge.

The girls from the fifth grade were also in Class 7B with the exception of the skirt girl who ended up in Class 7A. From the new kids there are two that stand out. A boy who played chess on a competitive level and made short work of anyone who was foolish enough to challenge him into a match and a girl with tan brown skin who did... ballet? I think it was ballet. She had the same last name as one of our former presidents.

The Puppet's Bunker

Houston, We Have A Problem

I haven't played Sakura Taisen but the Troupe's got a catchy theme song. And I haven't been to Hive 08 but I've visited the zoo south of it.

Jack and Rose look a bit different from what I remember and so does the Sword of Mars.

Dr. Freud, I Presume?

If it's mother figures we're talking about then I'd say that my father's mother, one of the retired nurses, has been about as influental as the real deal. Not because of neglect or anything like that but because I used to spend a lot of time over at my father's parents' old house in the Ermine City at the end of the gulf and their cottage near Urushibara when I was younger. She's the only one of my grandparents who's still living but what with the Alzheimer's having advanced so far it doesn't really feel like she's around anymore.

And mom's got the MS too but it's still at an early stage so the symptoms are pretty mild. Debilitating enough to prevent her from working full-time but you wouldn't be able to tell she's got a chronic condition like that unless she told you about it. Sure, it sucks, but it kind of makes you appreciate what you have when you know just how bad things can really get.

Where Do They Come From?

If the periodical discharge of uterine lining is any indication it's all working as nature intended even if I have no use for the feature. Four younger half-siblings is more than enough parenting by proxy for one lifetime. And then there are people like one of my mother's friends who had to go through years of treatments until things worked out.

And no, my mother never tried to pretend that new life doesn't arrive to the world through the pelvic bone though the finer details about the developmental stages of fetuses were reserved for later.

Anime Was A Mistake

”Second chance” was the wrong choice of words, I came back to solve the mystery of why the writing in ARR was so off-putting that I couldn't even finish the 2.0 MSQ. And now that I have the answer I don't have a reason to keep playing. I'm just... done with this game. After that commercial break I took in the summer I had to force myself to start the launcher again.

Rising 2020

It's Not About Money Or Sending A Message

The arc about abolishing the monarchy in Ul'dah is a prime example of disingenuous drivel designed to appeal to an audience with progressive 21st century values that destroys the verisimilitude of the setting. A plotline about someone trying to put a more pliable puppet in place when it's becoming clear that Nanamo isn't such a gullible little girl anymore and has her own ideas on what policies to pursue doesn't need some hamfisted pro-democracy propaganda shoved into it. If you're writing a story about political intrigue in a fictional oligarchy then go about it without such diabetes inducing sugarcoating or don't bother at all.

Not Like In One Of Your Visual Novels

Venat as the head honcho of the anti-Zodiark faction makes a lot more sense now that I've finished the lacrosse match with the BETA. No wonder you were thinking that I had read the whole thing already.

So this one happened back when I was in kindergarten in the new capital. I took a seat that was already taken and one of the boys gave me an excessively forceful shove to get me off it. I fell off the chair and hit the floor right hand first in the kind of angle that made the first proximal phalanx or the metacarpal fracture, I forget which one. The boy got chewed out and I got a plaster. It's the oldest hands-on demonstration on how actions can have unintended consequences that I still remember. Sure, the kid should have asked me to move somewhere else before using physical force but it's not like he meant to break my bones on purpose, he was just annoyed about losing the spot he had picked.

Those Two Cities

Father's sister, the old capital aunt, used to live in London. I went to see her with the nurse and the postman in the autumn way, way before the blue whale replaced Dippy in the Hintze Hall. We visited the Natural History Museum and went to see the West End production of Beauty and the Beast. And mother's sister, the old capital aunt, used to live in Paris. Me, Mrs. Doctor and my aunt's mother-in-law paid her a visit in the summer way, way before the roof of Notre-Dame burned. We checked out all the usual Parisian landmarks, Disneyland and Claude Monet's gardens.

Sapphire Weapon

The Leading Warmachina Of The Generation

The God Warrior's new coat of paint is certainly a striking contrast to my GTX 750 Strix, which isn't the only piece of hardware I've had to procure on a short notice. My desktop's old monitor broke right near the end of 2017 and I had to ask No.3 to lend me his monitor for a few days so I wouldn't miss out on the Starlight Celebration quests.

Tournament matches are fun to watch and the theory is interesting to read about but I'm not that big on fighting games myself. I'll leave the burst predicting to the real pros.

I haven't had the time to take a closer look at the travelogue, the notes about the cliffs or the book about the bandits. Only the stone caught my eye.

No.1 took the job in the Mediterranean so he could move to a place with a climate that's more to his liking, the easy money was a distant second on the list of motivations.

The Sound Of Scientific Triumph

Sure, it's an interesting film on it's own right, but I'd be lying if I said that those YouTube clips with the fake subtitles weren't the reason why I bothered to watch it.

No.1 got an exemption from service for reasons he's yet to disclose, No.2 got discharged some time after basic training when an old hip injury started acting up so much that he couldn't walk and No.3 isn't old enough to worry about any of that yet. The Doctor's father made it back home in one piece but he passed away when I was pretty young so all I can say about that is that there's no snow in any of the black-and-white photos I've seen.

So what exactly is the deal with the lower half of the Palace of the Dead? Did the Gelmorrans just happen to build their city right next to one of those things? Or did they keep digging deeper to take a look at what's inside the core of the planet like the Sharlayan's did with the Antitower? Or is it just one of those kinds of mysteries that lesser mortals shouldn't think too hard about?

Well, I can't think of anything too scathing to say about how you've handled Gaius so far. Just do whatever you want with him as long as you can spin an interesting story out of it.

Viili is good but I don't really care about buttermilk.

Ehll Tou Custom Deliveries

From The Fields And From The Vineyards

Chanterelles aplenty but no sightings of matsutake. I guess there's not much point to put something like that for sale over here when you can export it overseas for bigger bucks.

If there aren't any interesting items on the menu that are only going to be available for a limited time I'll order a cheeseburger or chicken nuggets and since they don't serve Hartwall's apple lemonade at McDonald's the classic coke is the next best thing to have for a drink.

The Part Where I Talk About My Current Working Conditions

Right now I really hate this game. The latest MSQ left a bad taste in my mouth and I'm suffering from MMO burnout. In other words, I'm not exactly in the mood to take another look at 5.0. Ghostbusting will have to wait until I've pulled myself together.

And for the love of all that is good stop asking me to humor the goats with small talk. If they can't learn to see on their own, then there's nothing I can do to help them understand.

... I'm sorry. Who are you and what is this?

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Originally Posted by Alleluia

... I'm sorry. Who are you and what is this?

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This person shows up every so often; whatever they leave rarely makes much sense and what little does make sense is rather inflammatory (intentionally or otherwise). Don't hold you breath waiting for a straight answer.

It's Lutefisk. They relate how the story events make them feel by telling us what seems to be rather personal information about themselves, though never in enough detail that we couldn't assume that it was all made up.

On the one hand, sometimes reading her posts makes my head hurt. Other times I get a good chuckle and a genuine curiosity, "Like, why are you telling us all about you, when you know most people won't relate?"

From this batch of posting, seems like she doesn't like G'raha Tia. Doesn't like the story or game... but is afraid to miss out? Refers to her younger siblings by number, much like Charlie Chan. Has a big family with intermarrying across continents? She likes Pokemon. Seems to have gone to elementary and middle school across Kentucky and Georgia perhaps? But I honestly couldn't place it.

Really likes to reference other fiction. I saw some Kill Bill 2 in there, among other things. It's hard to get all of the references, because it really seems like stream of consciousness writing to me, and I sure as hell don't really know what makes Lutefisk tick.

Killed about 45 minutes of this shift though, so there's that.

Lutefisk, every character has a blog available on the lodestone, you know. Your's is here: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodes.../4066171/blog/ You could keep a journal there instead of having to keep track of forum threads.

...this is kinda disappointing - going from the thread title, I was hoping someone had found some lore-bits titled "The Sheperd's Notebook" (my mind placed it in a little hut in the Azim Steppe, maybe as a book of some sort) and wanted to discuss some sheep-lore now... Things like "How does a Karakul look after you shave it?" or "How much of a Karakul is fluffy wool?" (I reckon its at least 80% of the whole animal!)

Clinical Diagnosis: Saint Allene's Fire

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Originally Posted by Anonymoose

Clinical Diagnosis: Saint Allene's Fire

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Now, the question is: Could Saint Allene's Fire be contracted by eating sheep-meat after that sheep ate some tainted grains?

I'm sure there was a cross-section of a sheep/Karakul in Lorebook II, but I don't have it at hand right now... very little skeleton from.what I remember.

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Originally Posted by RicaRuin

I'm sure there was a cross-section of a sheep/Karakul in Lorebook II, but I don't have it at hand right now... very little skeleton from.what I remember.

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That was an excellent point! I just went to grab my lorebook and there are even drawings of the sheeps skeleton! The whole things is to be found on page 292/293, for anyone who cares to look it up themself, but to quote (in order to answer some of my own questions):

"As its shape with the wool attached would indicate, a shorn sheep remains round; however, its body is significantly smaller without the coat. Unlike their much leaner and more graceful ancestors, modern sheep are fairly plump owing to their being bred for food aswell as wool, but their skeleton provides a glimps of the elegant beast they once were"

aswell as this intresting bit:

"Sheep are raised in abundance in La Noscea and Coerthas. A near-identical breed, brought over at one time via Near Eastern trade routes, is also found in the Far East."

And from the first lorebook (page 275):

"Sheep were domesticated by the Highlanders during the Age of Endless Frost. They spent countless years breeding the beastkin in an effort to produce animals that yieled a greater quantity of wool. The result is a species which now seems more fleece than flesh. Wild sheep can be seen grazing the grassy regions of La Noscea and Coerthas."

So it seems my 80% fluff guess was a bit off, but not by to much!

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 1

The Syrcus Trench

The DNC and GNB job quests were pretty fun and the prospect of hopping into another dimension to deal with the world-ending threat of the week felt like a welcome respite from all the awfulness of the latest developments in the MSQ. An entire expansion's worth of something else than this half-cooked gruel of... whatever Stormblood's story was supposed to be? Sign me up already! In short, when I started working my way through the 5.0 Main Scenario I was almost excited to see how the story would turn out. The reminder about the existence of that creature kind of soured my mood a bit but that unfortunate little detail aside I really liked the introduction to Shadowbrigers when I was playing through the story for the first time. On the second time through, when I could see where you lazy bums had stolen it from, it was much less impressive.

The first trip through the rift is made by picking up a round metallic object after a boat ride. As subtle as a sledgehammer.

The left side of the road that led to the door of the old house was lined with lilacs and on the right side that followed the northwestern wall of the house was a row of ferns.

A green stone loosening arrows in the shadow of a lighthouse. How many times have we done this song and dance already?

Companions. One of those words again. Seven years later I still have no idea what makes you think that the Scions are characters worth caring about.

The Crystarium's theme really ticks me off.

City of the First

Ah, the customary tour of the main hub city of the expansion, attune to the aetheryte and go take a look at all the important points of interest to get your bearings in this strange new land.

Apparently the Crystarium wasn't just built on top of the remnants of an old BETA hive, it's an active hive with an intact monument, the Sadogashima to Eulmore's Yokohama.

Travelers of Norvrandt

So you're telling me that the worst character in the entire game is going to die? That's the best news I've ever heard! Yuuko would have never tried to appeal to my ego like that nor tried to imply that I have anything in common with those disgusting creatures.

The words that poured from the mouth of that smirking... thing did not belong to a person who was trying to enlist the aid of a reputably selfless hero, they were the words of a cheap prostitute that was trying to coax an egotistical little manchild to eat their veggies. All those countless other people that are going to die? Spare no thought for them, they don't matter at all! We, the great wonderful people that the writers of this game have arbitrarily decided that you really, really, really care about, are only concerned about the lamest Mary Sue to ever exist.

Look, the player character hates tome farming too, just like all the smelly nerds and sweaty neckbeards who play this game! Please laugh at this incredibly self-aware and super funny joke!

Making a pact with a pixie is a bit more creative metaphor for blindness than the ones you usually see.

Actually, I have an old hardcover copy of The History of Macondo lying around somewhere but I haven't had the time to read it just yet.

In Search of Alphinaud

Staving off the inevitable Alisaie shilling for even a short while is the lesser of two evils. To Sand Island!

I took my horsebird's name from a med school textbook with a grey and red cover, I figured it would be a good fit for a pocket healer.

A Still Tide

Let's turn back thyme a bit. Those dream flowers were just Althyk lavenders.

Rats aren't furniture, they're rats.

Alphinaud isn't that bad when he's not trying to wax philosophical. I just don't understand why I'm supposed to care about him.

My personal beef with the ongoing war with Garlemald is that there's no satisfying Watsonian explanation for why it started. The Doylist reason is that without the war breaking out and Black Rose triggering the next calamity the ”bad future” timeline wouldn't exist but... I don't get what the casus belli is supposed to be. Or perhaps it would be better to say that the one that the story provided doesn't make a lick of sense to me.

Open Arms, Closed Gate

Fish and earthly bread. Cannibalism and rebellious children. Small bombs. What a lovely family dinner that was.

A Fickle Existence

I've been to the house of the von Wrights once on a field trip, but whether it took place when I was in fifth or sixth grade I can't say for sure.

Shoebill! But where in the world are and Ptarmigan, Hornbill and Stork? Still on the way to Farbanti?

Alphinaud might not be able to draw a bow but he certainly knows how to make use of an artist's arrows.

City of Final Pleasures

I hadn't made it to the champagne bottles yet when I took a break from reading.

The paperwork is another repetition of checking in at the Adventurer's Guild for the first time but the pesticide shower is a new addition.

Credit where it's due, the Chais feel like actual people.

Free to Sightsee

Yellow Thirteen's body vanished into the blue skies, never to return to the earth.

A Taste of Honey

A hive where you have to prove that you can beat the odds in a game of chance. When you really think about it, Vauthry is a 00 Unit too after a fashion.

Do you know why all those people were applauding? They were thanking you for spreading your legs.

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 2

Emergent Splendor

Alphinaud, stop bullying Richard and go bugger yourself with a rusty pipe.

In Search of Alisaie

Amh Araeng's daytime theme is a really chill tune, it wouldn't sound out of place in New Eden.

City of the Mord

When in Mord Souq do as the Mord do. I could probably take a bite or two but I don't think I could eat an entire jar of wrigglers.

Working Off the Meal

Let's see what's on the shopping list... a cactus flower, an iron stone and an antique hairpin.

Following in Her Footprints

Alisaie is a total noncharacter to me. Gating character development and potentially important story beats behind content that isn't accessible to casual players is not a very smart thing to do.

A Purchase of Fruit

Do dragon eyes taste like nectarines?

The Time Left to Us

When I got to the part in Alternative where Takeru and the Valkyries help out Mrs. Kyozuka I wanted to scream. The quest near the end of 2.0 where you prepare some soup at Camp Bluefog, the one that all the manchildren always complain about, is a reference to that scene, isn't it?

Holminster Switch - The Final Overture to a New War

Unpopular opinion: Ace Combat 7 has a better final boss theme than Ace Combat Zero.

The Oracle of Light - Stier Castle, 1611hrs.

Imho the Crystarium uniform looks better without the pauldrons, I was pretty bummed to find out that you don't get to use the pauldronless version for glamming.

I don't mind Thancred.

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 3

Il Mheg, the Faerie Kingdom - The Land of Illusion

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen beaver?

The walls of the old house were painted yellow and there was a pretty sizeable garden on its backyard. In the northern corner were redcurrants and gooseberries and in the eastern corner were rhubarbs, artichokes and some leafy green herbs. In the middle, next to the pelargoniums, was a small wooden patio and a garden swing and on the southeastern edge of the plot was a bird cherry tree with a good branch layout for climbing.

Unto the Truth

Like the Bookman's Shelves the cottage was also located on the western shore of a lake, the front door and porch facing east. Besides the mosquitoes the only wildlife of note around those parts were the Siberian jays.

Urianger is a plot device.

Does it count as pulling a Belka if you're not using nukes?

The Key to the Castle

Fuath are good civilization.

A Visit to the Nu Mou

Flying pigs and dogs, how charming!

A Resounding Roar

All three options are equally awful.

Memento of a Friend

Von Braun would have been able to retrieve the medallion on his own.

The Wheel Turns

Seldom the moon shines in a cloudless sky,
And days of brightness all too soon pass by.
Just knowing one half of the solution is more than enough to crack a riddle this easy.

Another entitled creep who thinks that I'm obligated to like him because he bought me a drink with his dad's money? Miss me with that. It would have been easier to throw the sandwiches out of the window if they had turned back to stones first.

Into the Dark - To Kashgar and Back

What do you do when that certain someone finds out about your tabletop gaming hobby? You own up to it like an adult.

Y'shtola is a waifubait plot device.

A Helping Hand

These plants are a bit too green to be fairy flowers.

Lost but Not Forgotten

Why traverse countless mountains,
Searching for your friend?
Follow me and laugh to see
Your journey at an end!

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 4

A Beeautiful Plan

How many armies is one Rosetta Stone worth?

Put to the Proof

The Great Serpent is very good civilization.

Seems like the Ronkans were also supporters of the idea that harmony is preferable to truth.

The Burden of Knowledge - The Death of a Million Is a Necessity

What does it feel like to walk on knives?

Everything about Hydaelyn is so goddamn corny that I've never been able to take her seriously as a character and the cognitive dissonance isn't doing her any favors either. Her only purpose to exist is to break things apart and yet she has the gall to claim that she's ”all made one”? That's some Olympic-level mental gymnastics right there.

The Best Way Out - A Wizard Is Never Late

That reptile sure loves to talk about himself in the second person.

Truth becomes fiction when the fiction's true;
Real becomes not-real where the unreal's real.
A silly little reference to a silly little story. Even if the goats were to hear it from the horse's mouth they'd still try to argue that his talk about deception being indistinguishable from truth is actually meant to be some sort of hard confirmation from the writers that you can't take anything he says at face value.

The Trolley Problem

I haven't read about happy and unhappy families yet but many, many moons ago I pored over the pages of that other book. The only thing I can remember from it is the commentary on Napoleon.

We're not thieves, we're a band of wandering marauders.

A Dirty Job

How many semiconductors does it take to repair a shattered sky?

Have a Heart

A furniture's wit cannot defy the decrees of fate and a mechanical nightingale is no substitue for the real thing.

More Than a Hunch

It's causality, I ain't gotta explain it!

Return to Eulmore - Mr. Raskolnikov's Extracurricular Lesson

Would you shut up already you stupid hag, you're such a noncharacter that you don't even feel like a person.

Ahem. It's eleven times rejoined now, not seven. Eleven.

The siren has sounded and soon the seas will run red again.

A Feast of Lies

Well, Datatsushi was a mermaid of the sunless sea so it makes sense that eating its flesh would be some seriously bad mojo.

The Ladder - It's an Abstract Kind of Feel

Mathematical devil's proof? I'd rather have some pudding instead.

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 5

The View from Above - Ceres Ocean, 1744hrs.

It's pretty hard to forget something that you read just a few weeks ago. That aside, the world of old was a... different kind of place than this safe space echo chamber. Harsh and unforgiving, but fun in a way that a theme park MMO can never be.

Minari was a tad more livelier place than Minakami.

In Mt. Gulg's Shadow

As above, so below.

A Gigantic Undertaking

Chai-Nuzz gushing about the Scions is the kind of superfluous audience indulgement that feels really fake.

That None Shall Ever Again

And now we have enough soul juice to summon Zodiark again.

A Breath of Respite - Greensickness Peak

That thing is what you get when you combine the worst parts of Lyse and Haurchefant. It's not a person or even a character, it's a marketable waifubait to end all waifubaits. I want nothing more than to kill it in the most painful manner imaginable over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Extinguishing the Last Light

Men cannot live without scapegoats. That's why ”bad guys” exist.

I made it past the duel in June but not much further than that.

In His Garden

This is the point where I stopped caring about the story. I can't put myself into the shoes of a person who gives a damn about that worthless piece of waifubait.

The Unbroken Thread

The third Tale from the Shadows is the most disgusting piece of literature that I have ever read.

If I could will it I'd have these things kill themselves. I can't sense even one iota of that je ne sais quoi that makes a fictional character feel like a person in any of them. They're just bad imitations of people that exist to make the nerds and neckbeards that these kinds of stories are written for feel good about themselves.

To Storm-tossed Seas

The walls are ti- Er, I mean... Gunkanjima is Bismarck!

Zone of the Enders 3 never ever. ;_;

Waiting in the Depths

All lanterns must be lit before Her Grace arrives.

Let's Replay Shadowbringers: Episode 6

A City of the Ancients

Actually, I'm still working on Umineko but I can see Virgilia's Fallen Tower now.

The Light of Inspiration

The role quests were pretty good.

The Illuminated Land

Time for some more tunnel running.

Based on Amaurot's architectural style it's probably safe to say that bowerbirds are to Ascians what monkeys are to humans.

The End of a World - A World Engulfed in Truth

You can't preach against censorship when you're practicing it yourselves.

A Greater Purpose - So Use Your Imagination, My Fellow Submariners

Let's see. The shade of Hythlodaeus isn't Hythlodaeus, it's a Hythlodaeus-shaped sockpuppet that Hades is using to talk about himself in the third person. I could infer that much even before I got to the part where Mitya tells Alyosha about the sound that's coming from under the ground. The stray thought was probably something along the lines of ”I wish I would have been Hythlodaeus so I wouldn't have been stuck in this bind” and the sacrifices to fuel Zodiark are an allusion to the borrowed money.

Speaking of money, I didn't tell you to buy good conscience with indulgences. I told you to stop whoring.

Grand Inquisitor Disenchantment's Judgment

Haurchefant's death wasn't tragic because he died, it was tragic because the big bad meanies broke one of the special snowflake chosen one's best ego stroking machines.

The Legend of the Quadrillion Kilometres - Welcome to Lakeview Hotel

Beyond some superficial similarities Hades and Mihaily Dumitru Margareta Corneliu Leopold Blanca Karol Aeon Ignatius Raphael Maria Niketas A. Shilage don't have all that much in common with each other as characters. If anything, Mihaily is Zenos done right.

Look at me! I'm quoting a better writer than the hack who penned this garbage will ever be!

I can't relate to the sentiment of wanting to preserve the reflections as they are because most of the characters in this game feel so fake to me that I can't feel any kind of emotional investment in them. As far as I'm concerned, Zodiark can eat every last one of those crimes against good writing for breakfast.

The Stage of Apocalypse - Westerland, 1450hrs.

Narcissism isn't love.

This game's ”story,” if it can even be called such, is nothing more than a vulgar power fantasy void of any meaningful narrative. It's mere existence is a gigantic insult to every single writer whose works you greedy swines and cheap cows have dared to plagiarize.

April 30, 2009

Thanks to a pair of stingy healers I spent more time tanking the floor than dishing out damage when I was playing through 5.0 for the first time. It's kind of hard to feel any sense of accomplishment when you get carried like that.

December 31, 2010

It. Was. The. Most. Hideous. Sunrise. Ever.

I can't be bothered to come up with a witty paraphrasing of AM's speech so I'll just settle for saying that I hate that thing more than anything else in this game. Hate. Hate.

Final verdict: this garbage is beyond salvaging. Just do the world a favor and return yourselves to dust, you hacks will never be able to write anything worth reading.

Horror is actually my one true love (it's just that so much of it is bad that it's safer to spend time with fantasy), so I recognize some of these non-sequitur free-associations as references to Keiichiro Toyama's SIREN...

Hmm, so Lutefisk knows enough about Alisaie to know she has character development in Binding Coil, but either hasn't seen that development or doesn't care about it at this point, beyond the point of mentioning it. Hmm...

Also, I'll have you know that most of my beard grows from my sideburns. If I shaved just my chin, I could rock some really sick mutton chops, Lutefisk!

Ah.

I always wanted to know what a Lobotomy looks like in written form.

5.35 Skysteel Tools

In Everyone's Best Interests

Tell that obscene furniture

Ever Skyward

to get rid of her schlonger gobbling self-insert for good

The Tools of Tomorrow

and make sure that there are no translation errors this time.

This makes my head hurt trying to make sense of it.

So much for asking for anything that you might need.

5.4 MSQ - Alisaie's Quest

Just fuck off with this Sharlayan wank already, you don't get to preach about how racism is bad when you keep pushing this patronizing Co-Prosperity Sphere bullshit. The entire top brass of the Scions is made up of foreigners sans Thancred who reeks of Sharlayan and Tataru who gets to be in the spotlight thanks to being one of the holdovers from 1.0. The rest of the native Eorzeans that are part of an organization that supposedly exists to safeguard the future of Eorzea have no say in its management, they're just second-class citizens that are there to serve the Archon overlords.

Fake Aegon in a stolen dress, with nonexistent tits, without any of the qualities that make the original an interesting character and whose exploits only exist on the pages of propaganda pamphlets.

How's Ardashir doing?

5.4 MSQ - The Wisdom of Allag

Yes, The Root of Evil was up when I came to pick up the Wolbachia. No, it doesn't make me hate that thing any less.

I don't browse the forums because there's nothing worth reading here. I only come here when I have something to post and leave when I've made sure the spoiler boxes aren't broken.

5.4 MSQ - Reviving the Legacy

[REDACTED]

All this talk about memory transference and Koh Rabntah gets sidelined again. Can't have someone else stealing the thunder from the lead writer's pet, eh? Or maybe you'd just like to forget that she even exists?

MCH was some preachy shit alright but at least it didn't make me want to blow my brains out. AST was good. Jannequinard's antics are funny because he's not trying to get into my pants.

Why did Aymeric have to be appointed as the lord speaker again? Why couldn't he just have been the guy who represents Ishgard at the Alliance meetings and other such occasions? Was being the commander of the Temple Knights not prestigious enough for that greedy bastard? Oh right, I forgot. He got the job because it would be below the station of the Smelly Nerd of Light to socialize with anyone lesser than the effective head of the state.

But the Kusabi still had his arm, it just wasn't intact.

5.4 MSQ - Like Master, Like Pupil

You can mold that piece of clay all you want, at the end of the day it will still be just a pile of lifeless dirt.

5.4 MSQ - Forget Us Not

[REDACTED]

5.4 MSQ - The Admiral's Resolve

Where's Turstin? And why are you heaping praise into the lap of the Smelly Nerd of Light again for rolling their face on the keyboard?

5.4 MSQ - The Search for Sicard

The wimps who whine about getting udercut by 1 gil don't know how good they have it.

5.4 MSQ - On Rough Seas

Project Wingman is looking good but I'm not keen on trying to steer with a keyboard and mouse.

5.4 MSQ - The Great Ship Vylbrand

Just what exactly is your problem? Why can't you write like normal people? You had everything that you would have needed to make a good story, to write something that's actually good and instead of that you sick fucks turned this game into the most expensive porno in the history of mankind.

5.4 MSQ - Futures Rewritten

I didn't spot any bushshrikes in Angola-Zaire.

So why'd the Amalj'aa go rummaging through Jhal's tomb anyways?

How many times do I have to repeat it until you believe it? I hate that piece of filth, those Hydaelyn apologists and the vapid narcissistic cunt that looks like my character but isn't so much that I don't care to play this shitty porn game. I don't care to do roulettes, I don't care to do frontlines, I don't care to craft, gather or even fish. What's so hard about that for you boneheads to grasp?

Eden's Promise

Festival? As in the harvest festival? I've got nothing to say about that fake and forced fanservice episode that I haven't already covered somewhere else.

I liked Ryne in 5.0 because she (and Thancred) didn't spout any of that self-righteous bullshit about how ”MoRtAL LifE iS vAluABle.” Now I just want to choke that bitch.

Werlyt - Blood of Emerald

[REDACTED]

Zenos is not a character, he's just another object that exists to stroke the player's ego. He'd be infinitely more palatable if he just shut his trap forever.

Emerald Weapon Extreme

So Jade Weapon's off the table then. Well, handing Emerald those extra manipulators is good enough of a compromise to get that reference in.

Eden's Promise - Part 2

Clio has had enough of this shit. She's put her pen down until further notice. Sea slugs may be gastropods but they ain't no snails.

Werlyt - In Memory

[REDACTED]

YoRHa - To Make Amends - Part 2

I you aren't just full of hot air, then tell those dipshits to stop playing deafmutes. I have nothing to say to anyone who isn't part of this game's writing team because they can't tell me anything that I wan't to know.

So. What am I going to get out of this? What exactly is that name worth to you?

Yeah, it would be cool if they had, "That Thing" talk to Koh Rabntah aka Noah, cause like, that plot thread got dropped pretty hard. It was relevant to Allag's ancient knowledge that we went seeking too. Shucky darn, that.

You know, I'm not really tempted to take anything you say seriously even if it had good points because you're just outright insulting every player and assuming things about us.

But by any means, the gist I get from your latest posts is that there is a personal problem with a certain someone. I don't want to know who it is, I don't want to know details, I have no right to meddle there. Just a heads up that the Forums probably aren't a good place for the drama.