Unable to Launch FINAL FANTASY XIV Updater. [11035][30425][30415][5]19900][5]

Hi, I just tried launching today and am constantly getting this and similar errors. Was working fine before update yesterday on Windows 10, non-steam version.
I've been at this for over an hour now, and am at my wits end here. I have tried:

Running program from start as administrator
Running "ffxivboot" as administrator
editing ffxiv_boot.cfg so that BootVersionCheckMode is on 1 or 0
Updating My Games\FINAL FANTASY XIV - A Realm Reborn and all containing files are no longer read only
Deleting all files from that folder after doing so, cutting and pasting them back in when that didn't work
Disabled antivirus/firewall
Tried these steps: https://www.reddit.com/r/ffxiv/comme...y_xiv_updater/ including reboot with no other applications open

Someone
Please
Help

Good afternoon and thank you for posting on the Final Fantasy XIV Technical Support Forums.

Do you recall anything changing/updating on your PC when you started experiencing this? Does this happen when you first open the launcher, or after you sign in and select 'Play'?

There are a few things I'd suggest since you haven't mentioned them:

The game will use the Internet Explorer web browser to connect to the internet. Open Internet Explorer, then open the "Tools" setting, go to "Internet Options" and adjust the following settings:
- Under the "General" tab, please delete ALL browser history.
- Under the "Security" tab, please move the slider to the lowest possible settings or no higher than "Medium"
- Under the "Privacy" tab, click “Advanced” and select ‘Accept’ under both First Party and Third Party Cookies.
- Under the "Advanced" tab, please make sure that "Allow software to run or install even if signature is invalid" is CHECKED.
- Make sure that all SSL and TLS (EXCEPT SSL 3.0) are CHECKED. [SSL 3.0 should be UNCHECKED]
- Hit "Apply" to save the settings, and then "OK, to close the Internet Options menu.

Check the following Port Ranges on your router/modem to ensure that they have been opened:
▼TCP
54992 through 54994,
55006 through 55007,
55021 through 55040
Your ISP can open these ports for you.

Additionally, if you are using a wireless connection, try using a wired Ethernet connection.

We hope we can be of assistance in helping you enjoy the exciting world of Final Fantasy XIV!

I've played this game for maybe a week, and this is the first time it updated. The only thing that's changed on my computer is the game.
I've tried resetting IE already. I'm in the middle of a reinstall to see if that will work.